thomas11

I don't why other alcoholics self loathe, but I know why I did. I expect good things from myself. Responsibility, proper conduct, and a positive contributor to society. When actively drinking I was none of those things.

allishope73

I just noticed this post but its so late at night i give a proper read tom as i identified ... i was always too hard on myself x D

KarltheheretiK

Man, I can relate on self-loathing over a funeral or death. The last time I saw my aunt was in the hospital on a Tuesday afternoon about this time last year. I remember kissing her on the forehead and telling her I'd be back later that day. I went home and got so tanked, I couldn't make it back later, even though my brother was driving! She passed away early Wednesday morning... that **** will stay with me until I die.

But anecdotes aside, if you exist with the trappings of a happy life and you're not happy, you may have an underlying emotional issue. Let's not forget 2 important things...

1) Alcoholism is a symptom, not a cause. Sure, alcohol can cause you a whole host of other problems, but it's always a good idea to dig deep and figure out the real "why" of your alcoholism.

2) In many cases, underlying issues that lead to alcoholism may just be a matter of unbalanced, brain chemistry. You seem to have a decent life (although I didn't hear you mention an SO), so you may just have brain chemistry imbalance. Personally, I know I have my social triggers for depression and anxiety, but I can tell you my depression is greatly reduced by taking Wellbutrin (which I take for Irritable Bowel Syndrome, not depression), so my brain chemistry is also a suspect in my alcohol issues.

3) Dabbling in regret is tough. I'm in that rut, too. But when you mention in one sentence that you have regret and mention your good life in the next, I wonder if there's issues dealing with regret from things you dreamed of doing vs having a family.

Assuming you don't have any serious health conditions like diabetes, hypertension, liver problems, etc., I'd say see a therapist first. If you don't get any mental relief from a few months of therapy, see a psychiatrist. If you have physiological issues coming from brain-chemistry imbalances, a psychiatrist can prescribe meds to help you with that.

Good luck!

bunchie

Thank you ,
All the responses were so thoughtful and helpful, I will stay sober and do the things said here, practice patience which comes easier sober, and keep attending AA and start the steps, and start rewiring my brain.

Gerard52

Sounds like a solid plan.

I enjoy your thoughts and questions on things.

August252015

Sounds like a great plan Bunchie! You can do it.

PeaceInSilence

Hi Bunchie,

I can't describe how much I hated myself when I first got sober, I struggled to even look at myself in the mirror through shame of years and drinking and then shame at what I had become. When I finally got sober that self hatred turned to pride with each day I got in the bank.

I used AA as a source of my recovery but whatever it is you use work it, by freeing youself of your truth I was able to move on so, I faced the ugly truth about myself and put it to bed. I'm a different person now and I have today to make the best of that.

I wish you well on your journey.

Fearlessat50

Hi Bunchie, I can relate to this. I think self loathing is very common and prominent in early recovery. 16 days is awesome! But at that time for me I was still on a wild rollercoaster ride, still physically and mentally rebalancing from years of abusing a chemical. It took me at least 3 months, probably more like 6 to start to feel more even and normal, and a longer period of therapy to work on myself. I like what others have said here about consciously replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, “love bombing”, mirror work. If you regular practice these things, you will start to feel better about yourself. I definitely reco,,end therapy too, especially if you can find a therapist who has experience with alcohol recovery. The first one I went to did not, and was trying to teach me moderation. Ugh! Anyway, even though I’m over a year sober, I still have times when I’m super hard on myself and I have to put myself in check over this. If I objectively evaluate the situation and really did so,thing wrong, I just try to learn from it and move on. Other times, I see I really did nothing wrong and it’s just that perfectionist voice tearing me down. I try not to think about what others think. I’m not sure this ever really goes away because emotional sobriety continues for a life time. But I promise it gets better.