bunchie

I was just wondering when my self loathing will go away? I was at the point in my drinking where I woke up at a typical 3 day binge and hated myself. I would reflect on things I never accomplished and get really guilty. It's been 16 days now and this feeling although not all encompassing like the day after the binge , it is still present.For example , I missed a funeral for an old time friend today, I work night shift so it was hard to get there because of the proximity and timing, and I feel terrible, I don't think it's normal. I was a heavy binge drinker for 35 years, I never drank daily but I drank alcoholically, my brother drinks everyday but he doesn't get the self loathing and dread, I have a good job, two great kids, nice house , I should be happy but often times especially after a binge I am not. However I have done long stunts sober and I did feel better , I just have to give it time I guess.

Gerard52

Seems to me feeling bad about missing funeral is quite normal and that you must be a pretty decent person to care about it. It is quite valid to choose not go. May be you are being too hard on yourself.

biminiblue

I guess maybe examine why you feel guilty for missing this funeral?

I mean, you said it was timing.

I don't go to every party/funeral/wedding etc. that comes up. I would make myself nuts if I did.

Self-loathing is complicated, I'd say take it one issue at a time.

What are you worried will happen because you didn't go to the funeral? That people won't like you? That they will think less of you? That you are important enough that you have to be there? That you aren't a "good enough" person? I know in my past I have pretty much felt all of those things.

It's exhausting and self-centered.

I doubt anyone is talking about me. If they are, oh well. Life goes on regardless of what other people think.

DreamCatcher17

I found when I would forgive myself, life became much better!
I no longer "self Loathe", I don't get depressed or have anxiety like I did the night after a blackout.
I choose what I do in my life if someone else is upset, that is not my problem.

You had to go to work and could not make the funeral, they still had the funeral, and no one else died because you were not there? Right?
I get you may feel bad, but does feeling bad pay the bills?

Life goes on with or with us.

Not trying to sound harsh, but rather right to the point

I no longer attend family holidays, I dont like being around most of my family so I do what I want to do, what is going to make me happy is much better for my mental state and my son's happiness

bunchie

Thanks for the replies everyone, I guess I am too hard on myself, the timing was difficult I just worked a 12 hour shift on the overnight and went home to nap and woke up too late to make it it is a 90 minute ride, and that's without traffic cutting through a major city. But I was actually looking for answers on when does the self hatred stop, there are so many dumb, shameful stories from drinking , I feel I wasted my life, no one's fault but my own, sometimes I wake up and look in mirror and just call myself a loser and it's because of the drinking, I am just wondering when these feelings will go away. I checked out some websites and some suggest therapy to stop the inner voice in my head from berating me .

bunchie

When does the inner voice of self loathing stop? Does it stop?

biminiblue

Or - you could go to the mirror and say instead, "I love you. Forgive me. I'm sorry. Thank you."

Mirror work is helpful.

Never underestimate the power of looking into your own eyes and saying, "I love you."

The longer I go without doing anything I regret, the more I love me.

I just don't let that other voice speak. If it does try to pipe up, I have an answer for it. It takes practice.

I have to replace that negative voice with a positive one. Actively and purposefully.

lessgravity

I have experienced and wondered the same thing.

I think part of the loathing is that there is a part of the self, perhaps the whole self, that is so frustrated with being injured, denied and stifled with our drinking that it turns against us. This, for my layman understanding, is part of the 'divided self' - at least when we are not focusing our actions on what we truly desire and need and want. The addiction to booze did not allow me to grow - sure, professionally and personally I have a career and a family etc, but the real growth, the growth of the soul/self/psyche, CANNOT be done while we are slaves to alcohol.

That self loathing I think is in fact your true self demanding to finally be actualized, to be let free, to be given peace.

doggonecarl

If you can't combat the negative thoughts on your own, then yes, seek therapy.

But I would add....YOU ARE 16 DAYS SOBER. It takes time for the brain to heal. Though it is a trait that alcoholics often lack, be patient.

VigilanceNow

I don't think anyone can answer the question "does it [self-loathing] stop?" for you. Everyone goes through some degree of this, but I believe we drinkers experience it at a heightened level for a number of reasons.

For one, it's useful to acknowledge the fact that as binge drinkers (the type of drinker I am), a viable solution in our minds was completely numbing out the world with booze. I feel nothing when I am drunk and think about little else other than securing my next drink. This cycle renders us unable to deal with the reality once we sober up and it hits us. I've experienced extreme self-loathing in attempting to reconcile the person I am when sober and the person (creature would be a more accurate term) I am when drinking. I hate myself for making the decision to take the first drink, and then hate myself for being such a terrible uncontrollable lush.

But what does all this self-loathing accomplish? Nothing, not for you or anyone else. Not to sound cliche, but if you really feel that there is no end in sight, I would strongly suggest seeking the help of a therapist. You probably have some things you need to talk through, and an objective 3rd party is the best way to get everything out.

Ladysadie

Please don't shame yourself if you didn't attend a funeral. The inner thoughts of self loathing only stop when you get on track with your life. It can be "all good" but it's up to you to know what that looks like. Show up, support, be present, listen. Get out of your own way. Just be your true sober self. This should lessen any of the self loathing thoughts. Put them in your background with your continued sobriety. Easy to say. Hard to do. But with time, it's going to get better the more you are sober.

August252015

More than two weeks in my case. I had anger and self loathing because of the increasingly low standards I had for myself when drinking, my terrible choices, hurting others, a lot stuff. I had to work through it and my path was AA and the steps.

Getting honest about all that, understanding what it means to make amends and learning to live in the present without inflicting harm on others like I did, and apologizing and such when I do, promptly....and for me, learning to compartmentalize my regrets and disappointments. It takes time and there are flashbacks for sure, but I cannot dwell on what I cannot change.

Some decisions like a funeral or other significant something are tough. Learning to make the best choice I can with all the factors I can identify at he time and not stewing over it later is another part of my recovery.

Early days- focusing on not drinking then everything else, especially complicated stuff like these big emotions. The voice of self loathing can stop but it requires effort and persistence to change it to a new voice.

Ladysadie

PS I just love it when I wake up in the mornings "sober" and having not drank the day before. For me, it's almost like getting that dream job you always wanted and wake with the anticipation that life will be good! Give yourself some days where you haven't had a drink and see for yourself the "gift" in that, for you. If you continue to wake up sober, you will gradually begin to see what (we) mean.

least

One thing I was told to do in early sobriety, was to practice gratitude every day. It really changed my life.

ScottFromWI

Time does help, and as others have mentioned 16 days is fantastic but it's very early in the healing process.

Time is not always going to fix everything though, and neither will quitting drinking. Sure it's a big help, but almost every single one of us had some kind of underlying issues we chose to try to drown out with alcohol - and of course it doesn't help at all. If you have long term lingering issues with self loathing then you may need to address it as a distinct and separate issue with the appropriate channel.

One of the things I learned from my therapist ( who I waited 2 years to stubbornly start seeing! ) is that things will stop happening when I start doing something else. In my case, i kept wanting to make all the anxiety go away - all the obsessive traits, the panic, etc. And anxiety itself is a perfectly normal reaction to fear - but some of us overreact to the point of it disrupting our lives. Self-loathing is a natural response too - but if it goes unchecked it can cause all kinds of problems. So rather than waiting for a natural response to "go away" ( which it never will of course ) i had to start doing positive things instead of waiting for the bad things to happen. Specifically, I had to start calming practices and lifestyle changes instead of obsessing about things on the internet, etc. It sounds really hard, and at first it is....but you really can make change. And the more you do, the more natural it becomes - my counselor calls it "rewiring" my neural pathways.

Gabe1980

Hey Bunchie. I'm with you. I really struggle with self-loathing, to the point where I've felt quite suicidal in the past. It has got better, with a lot of therapy but I cannot drink. Drinking triggers massive self-loathing and hatred for me. I think a big part of it is the depressive effect of the chemical. I feel horrendous after a binge.

Counselling works, love bombing (telling yourself you love yourself) feel ridiculous but also works. Try to forgive yourself. I still have big regrets and shame over things I have some when I was drinking and I'll have to face that for a while but it helps to try and be on your own side. Little kindnesses towards yourself go a long way in healing xx

Gerard52

My self loathing only seems to exist when I am drunk and hungover. I am quite liberal at forgiving myself when I am sober, well you got to be.

Also I am not building a new catalogue of new self loathing inducing incidents. Memories fade.

entropy1964

You've received a lot of good input.

16 days is great! Be patient. And remember, booze is a central nervous system depressant. And addiction to it causes profound brain changes. Sooo, alcohol abuse causes depression and anxiety. And it takes time, lots of it, to re-wire the addicted brain. Then top that physiological stuff off with the psychological implications of shame, guilt and just plain over thinking. That last bit being a huge contributor to self loathing. Too much self in the whole darn thing.

I don't know if you exercise or hike or cycle but those kinds of things are great ways to calm the busy/exhausted/over thinking brain.

DontRemember

If "i'm the biggest 'POS' I know...might as well drink..right?!?!?".. was my active/circular mindset. I eventually(2-3mo?) got over that untrue nonsense by doing the opposite and then the kicking of toxic people/places outta my life was a HUGE help as well.

Nonsensical

Not even once would I have said to someone else the things I shouted at myself daily.

The verbal assault stopped when I decided to stop it.

You've been sober 16 days. Go point at the guy in the mirror and say, "Hey, 16 poison free days. I did that for you, and it's just the start! From now on I am going to take good care of you, my friend!"

It's awkward as Hell at first, but you can do it.