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First time posting- cant stop once started

Old 07-16-2018, 01:23 AM
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First time posting- cant stop once started

Hi,

First time posting here, long time lurker, have been reading lots of post here recently.

Im 26, seemingly normal young man, independent with collage degree, stable job and a relationship, starting school again in following autumn.

But I have a "darker" side in me, which I am afraid to confess or talk about to people close of me, because of the fear or judgement or rejection- I guess thats the reason for me to post here- to get some thing off my heart. Ive been this way since I had my first drink when I was around 15-16 years of age. I stole a few bottles of beer from my dad and we polished them off behind a corner with my child hood friend. Since then ive been somewhat "ruined".

Alcohol for me is not something I would have for the taste experience. I drink to get drunk. Every time I drink I end up drunk. I dont stop until Im completely smashed. Even when I start drinking with the intention to moderate- have a few with friends. After I have the few I get the strange urge or feeling in my stomach to get more in me. I think thats the feeling that makes a difference between "normal" people and alcoholics right?

After a night of heavy drinking It is hard for me to get sober, I usually drink so much that I am still drunk when I wake up the following morning. The urge I talked about before, is really strong within me then, as alcohol slowly leaves my system. Its hard for me to get sober from a party the day after. Sometimes (often) I start drinking the day after too....and then for the sake of keeping my job I manage to sober up by monday morning, only to repeat it the next weekend. Sounds like a problem, right?

My girlfriend is quite angry with me usually when I arrive home early in the morning, drunk and smelly. Its makes me sad, feels like Im doing her wrong, but yet I love her so much. Im afraid to talk to her about it in the fear of judgment and rejection. But im quite sure she knows whats going on because she has started to ask all sorts of questions like- why do you have to drink so much, why you never drink with me?- Because I never drink at home when she is home, for the reasons I mentioned before. I know its wrong, all this deception, but Im pretty sure only one I am fooling in this relationship is me. Fooling my self to think that Im fooling everyone, while everybody knows once I have one, ill have a ton.

Thinking about quitting for the sake of my future life and the relationship, need to quit before I do any reversable damage to my self. I dont wanna be the deceptionist anymore. I wanna be the best I cant potentially be for my loved ones and I feel that my drinking is hindering that.
Illerios is offline  
Old 07-16-2018, 02:21 AM
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How did you guys first found the courage to bury your ego and confess to loved ones about the matter of your drinking problem and desicion to quit? How did they react? Were they like "We are glad, we knew for a long time you had a problem" or were they shoked? I get that the decision to quit is a positive thing but confessing to be powerless in front of alcohol is a big deal in my mind.

Thank you.
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Old 07-16-2018, 03:06 AM
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Hello and welcome to SR. Thanks too for your story, it's a tough thing to write about.

You say you are 'thinking about quitting for the sake of my future and the relationship'. Does this mean you are undecided?
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Old 07-16-2018, 03:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Illerios View Post
How did you guys first found the courage to bury your ego and confess to loved ones about the matter of your drinking problem and desicion to quit? How did they react? Were they like "We are glad, we knew for a long time you had a problem" or were they shoked? I get that the decision to quit is a positive thing but confessing to be powerless in front of alcohol is a big deal in my mind.

Thank you.
The last person to know I had a problem was me. Or perhaps I should say the last one to accept I had a problem was me. There was no ego left. After the mess I used to make whilst drinking there was nothing left to hold my head high for. Now in recovery I have something to be proud of myself for.
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Old 07-16-2018, 03:20 AM
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Hi and welcome!

It took a while for my husband to support my decision to quit drinking. We had always been drinking buddies. Everyone else was shocked because I hid a lot of my drinking but they are 100% supportive.
I did have to become very humble in regards to my drinking and I joined AA and met lots of friends who have helped me with my journey.
Good luck to you!
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