Illerios

Hi,

First time posting here, long time lurker, have been reading lots of post here recently.

Im 26, seemingly normal young man, independent with collage degree, stable job and a relationship, starting school again in following autumn.

But I have a "darker" side in me, which I am afraid to confess or talk about to people close of me, because of the fear or judgement or rejection- I guess thats the reason for me to post here- to get some thing off my heart. Ive been this way since I had my first drink when I was around 15-16 years of age. I stole a few bottles of beer from my dad and we polished them off behind a corner with my child hood friend. Since then ive been somewhat "ruined".

Alcohol for me is not something I would have for the taste experience. I drink to get drunk. Every time I drink I end up drunk. I dont stop until Im completely smashed. Even when I start drinking with the intention to moderate- have a few with friends. After I have the few I get the strange urge or feeling in my stomach to get more in me. I think thats the feeling that makes a difference between "normal" people and alcoholics right?

After a night of heavy drinking It is hard for me to get sober, I usually drink so much that I am still drunk when I wake up the following morning. The urge I talked about before, is really strong within me then, as alcohol slowly leaves my system. Its hard for me to get sober from a party the day after. Sometimes (often) I start drinking the day after too....and then for the sake of keeping my job I manage to sober up by monday morning, only to repeat it the next weekend. Sounds like a problem, right?

My girlfriend is quite angry with me usually when I arrive home early in the morning, drunk and smelly. Its makes me sad, feels like Im doing her wrong, but yet I love her so much. Im afraid to talk to her about it in the fear of judgment and rejection. But im quite sure she knows whats going on because she has started to ask all sorts of questions like- why do you have to drink so much, why you never drink with me?- Because I never drink at home when she is home, for the reasons I mentioned before. I know its wrong, all this deception, but Im pretty sure only one I am fooling in this relationship is me. Fooling my self to think that Im fooling everyone, while everybody knows once I have one, ill have a ton.

Thinking about quitting for the sake of my future life and the relationship, need to quit before I do any reversable damage to my self. I dont wanna be the deceptionist anymore. I wanna be the best I cant potentially be for my loved ones and I feel that my drinking is hindering that.