PaigeMasters

It’s hard enough to get sober but now I am faced with losing most of my friends. I have told a few of them I am sober now and won’t be using anymore. One of my best friends is a male and he smokes weed daily. I told him what was going on a few days ago and he checked in today. His ex-wife is also one of my best friends. She is “sober” but smokes weed daily also. I did say to him that I don’t consider that sober.

I mentioned to him that I need sober friends now. I never said we cannot be friends anymore and he jumped all over my case about how awful it was for me to say I cannot be friends with someone who uses. I explained that I cannot be around any substances now. And I said that I need sober friends. He actually told me I remind him of a religious zealot that cannot see any other perspective??!!! Huh? I was just telling him I cannot be around people who are using in front of me or talking about it and that I need sober friends.

I am so upset right now. I am not going to pick up, but I am really shaken. Decided to post here instead.

teatreeoil007

Aww, Paige, honey. That bites, doesn't it? Many of us have been where you are....not wanting to be around drinking/using. A lot of folks just don't understand and may never understand...they can't imagine a world without substances!! I've got friends/family who are like that. It seems like they can't do any event or get together without drinking. I really don't like to be around it, not so much because I'm tempted to drink but because I just find it SAD. It hurts to see them being destructive.

Just remember: You know within yourself what's right and what's WRONG for you and you have to do whatever you have to do not to drink or use...stay strong. All of us here get it and support you!!

PaigeMasters

I cannot tell you how much I needed to hear that! Thank you so much.

Grungehead

Him getting defensive about his using says something about him, not you. I lost several friends when I first got sober (most by choice) including my best friend of over a decade. After a short time though I realized that the only thing me and most of my friends had in common was drinking/using.

It hurt losing my best friend because we did a lot of fun stuff together, but unfortunately most of those things still had a drinking/using element to them (golfing, fishing, etc). I ended up making new friends that didn't have to get drunk/high to participate in life. It sucked in the short-term but everything turned out for the best in the long-run.

least

True friends will want you to do what is best for you. Let it go. Make new friends.

Fearlessat50

I feel lonely too! We live in a world where it seems everyone is drinking. For those of us who no longer drink, it can feel isolating and like we don’t fit in. I am realizing I am responsible for that feeling. While some others might feel awkward around my not drinking, I realize that is their issue and them being uncomfortable with their own drinking. It is not my issue or problem. The folks I am no longer friends with weren’t good for my ongoing sobriety anyway. The friends I still have from my past drinking life, even those who still drink, are supportive of my lifestyle and we have found other common interests and things to do together besides drink. It has taken a while, but I’ve made some new friends as well. Keep following your own truth and be patient with the process.

PaigeMasters

Fortunately I do have a few friends without substance abuse problems. And I have been going to AA (although Rational Recovery makes the most sense to me). I was just floored when he got so defensive. Then he said “And this one also got me.

“This is the way I see it, and I support you and your choice, it would be like me saying, I can’t be friends with anyone that doesn’t work out as much as I do, or juice for that matter. Not everyone can or wants to do it. Some physically can’t, some mentally can’t. But I still value them and need and want their friendship. I don’t want friends that are just like me. What’s the point.
I am sorry that it sounds like we cannot be friends. Based on your last two texts. I will miss your point of view and input. However, we all need to do what we think is right.

I guess I don’t understand your idea of sober. To me if you take an anti-depressant, it alters you, positively or negatively, to me that is not sober. However, I don’t take anti-depressants, but I can still be friends with someone who does.

Maybe it is because I have never struggled with true addiction.

Either way, I wish you the best on your path. We are each on one. We are all a work in progress.”

Taking antidepressants means one isn’t sober?? Huh??!!

bringmeback7693

It's hard to let go of some of those friendships but I think you did the right thing for now. I think just try hanging around sober people even if it means going to meetings early and chatting with 1-2 people. I think in time maybe you can be friends again if it's meant to be but you did yourself a favor.

You have to put sobriety above anything else. Even if it feels lonely. I feel really lonely too. Hang in there.

PaigeMasters

Thanks, bringmeback! The sick part is alcohol made me feel temporarily less lonely. But ultimately it’s the loneliest existence possible.

I expect to lose some friends along the way. I am prepared for that. I will gain a lotttt more staying sober ultimately.

I am sorry you feel lonely, too. This site helps me sometimes because I know others are navigating the same path.

teatreeoil007

"To thine own self be true", Paige. Regardless of what anyone else does or thinks, "To thine own self be true."

Porcetta

That's their insecurities....

agree, its a very lonely existence.

I'm 20 weeks today but still lonely as hell

Porcetta

If something makes more sense to you, go for that - you need any advantage you can get

entropy1964

When I am in a situation where either I, or someone else, or both of us are over reacting, I try to take a deep breath. I am a reactive, emotional and at times highly sensitive person. Sometimes just taking a step back, pause when agitated, is the best thing to do. My addiction is so reactive too......impulsive. Learning to change that thought process is a very effective life coping skill. At least for me. Just thought I'd share that.

And friends, you'll make new ones. And maybe even grown and change with old ones. Hang in there

PaigeMasters

Yep- teatree. This is true indeed. Thank you for that.

Grungehead, it does kinda hurt. But I know my recovery has to come first. So- I am keeping that in mind.

Agree Porcetta! The main reason I go to AA at night is because it provides a safe place for me to be where I know I won’t drink. I go during the times I would normally drink. But RR techniques help me the most, honestly. I know because I gave AA a shot for years.

And Frickaflip- I agree. This is why I went for a walk when I was upset earlier. It helped me to calm down and take a step back. Thanks for that! Work in progress to be sure

teatreeoil007

Some people at work go out to the bars drinking after our shift is over. They have never invited me to go along and I'm fine by that. It doesn't make me feel left out or anything. We still get along fine at work and have a great working relationship. They respect me. I don't look down on them for going out. I know it's something I did once in a great while many years ago. I'm just not into the bar scene and haven't been for a long time. When folks use the word "wasted" to describe getting drunk, I think that's a very fitting word. Why waste your precious brain and health by drinking?

Anna

I'm sorry that your friend reacted the way he did. I hope that you can step back from that and move on. Early recovery involves a lot of tough decisions. But, I think you know what you need to do to take care of yourself.

PaigeMasters

Thanks to everyone for your feedback. My friend actually apologized to me last night. And this morning he told me he DID NOT get high last night after thinking about our conversation. And he noticed his anxiety was better... Maybe I can have a positive influence on him.

Eddiebuckle

It would seem that your friend doesn't understand what it takes to stay sober, but that's not his job - it's yours. Early sobriety is difficult, and to give ourselves the best odds of staying sober we need to limit our interaction with potential trigger situations. Increasing your circle of friends to include people who don't drink or use need not be a repudiation of existing or prior friends, and in time it will be easier to be in situations which in early sobriety are simply asking for trouble.

I avoided the bread aisle in the grocery store for maybe a year after getting sober... the opposite shelves are where they keep the beer. It was like touching a live electrical circuit - seems crazy, and perhaps it was... but in time I became comfortable with my new normal - and it wasn't a struggle to go to parties where people happened to also be drinking. All of these things take time - and in truth, that's all you're asking of your friend... time to get your "sobriety feet" under you and get more solid in your recovery.

This is a hard but necessary part of early sobriety: figuring out what you need to stay sober, and where your sober comfort zone is. If you need to avoid the bread aisle, it may seem stupid to some folks and that's ok. The truth is - staying out of that aisle can be a life or death thing for you.

Good luck - you're doing great!

PaigeMasters

Thanks, Eddie! What you said about the bread aisle made me laugh because this is EXACTLY what I do. I literally close my eyes if I have to walk anywhere near that dreadful aisle of poison. And I say in my head “No, no, no, no, no!!!”

I will do whatever it takes to stay sober. I have committed to this. Whatever it takes and then some.

Thanks so much for the encouragement.

thomas11

Good job on posting first. Sobriety is a major life change in my opinion and your life will be different. And as you can see, others may view you differently. But always remember you are ultimately doing this for yourself to have a better more fulfilling life, and its worth it.