The Judgement. How should I feel and react?
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Originally Posted by Nonsensical 
What did he say when you asked him?
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Originally Posted by Kdon853
Hi Fikes,
I get it , I have the bar in the backyard and my house was sort of the daily hangout place besides our regular bar. Would have at least 5 guys here drinking for 3 to 4 hours.
7 1/2 months sober , in the beginning people would still come by then it started falling off. I don’t know guess I was boring. I’ve known these guys for 40 yrs . I was angry at first but after a while I accepted it. They still are my friends but I’m doing my own thing. I wasted a lot of time out there. This is better.
I get it , I have the bar in the backyard and my house was sort of the daily hangout place besides our regular bar. Would have at least 5 guys here drinking for 3 to 4 hours.
7 1/2 months sober , in the beginning people would still come by then it started falling off. I don’t know guess I was boring. I’ve known these guys for 40 yrs . I was angry at first but after a while I accepted it. They still are my friends but I’m doing my own thing. I wasted a lot of time out there. This is better.
Yea, I see how that could happen. I still have booze in my house, my partner buys them because he still drinks and I can handle that. He told me he prefers not to drink around me because he feels like I judge him silently...I’m just annoyed because I didn’t think this was his journey.
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl
With all the emphasis on partying and "good times" I would have guess younger. Those are the priorities of someone in their 20s.
When I quit, at 53, my drinking was no longer social. I drank alone, hiding it from my wife. I didn't even to to bars anymore. My situation is difference than yours, having to deal with friends and family that only know you has a drinker.
But one thing is common. If we are going to succeed in our recovery, we are going to have to massively change who we are, what we do, and who we do it with. It's probably time to distance yourself from activities that revolve around alcohol. That includes the "boys trip" that you have coming up. Time to be the person you are and who you want to be, not governed by what others think or expect.
When I quit, at 53, my drinking was no longer social. I drank alone, hiding it from my wife. I didn't even to to bars anymore. My situation is difference than yours, having to deal with friends and family that only know you has a drinker.
But one thing is common. If we are going to succeed in our recovery, we are going to have to massively change who we are, what we do, and who we do it with. It's probably time to distance yourself from activities that revolve around alcohol. That includes the "boys trip" that you have coming up. Time to be the person you are and who you want to be, not governed by what others think or expect.
I’m an entertainer so I’m always “on” so I don’t mean party goer in the sense of the word of crazy stuff kids do, I mean party goer as in I am a social butterfly and I love being social.
The boys trip that’s coming up I’m going to take it for sure. It’s the only time me and my best friends meet up and the youngest is turning 30. I can’t miss that. I’m just feeling anxiety about what people “preceive” my sobriety to look like and the extra energy it takes to show them I’m still me. Does that makes sense?
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Originally Posted by Primativo
Personally I wouldn't go on that boys trip. 2 and a half months is too early in my opinion for a weekend away with the boys who will all be pretty much permanently drunk.
Your sobriety is more important than a weekend away. I'm at a similar stage and age (35) at nearly two months sober and I wouldn't go. I'd wait until I have at least a year of sobriety under my belt before going on such a trip. But then I'd ask if I really wanted to go on such a trip which just involves getting completely drunk for days on end.
Your sobriety is more important than a weekend away. I'm at a similar stage and age (35) at nearly two months sober and I wouldn't go. I'd wait until I have at least a year of sobriety under my belt before going on such a trip. But then I'd ask if I really wanted to go on such a trip which just involves getting completely drunk for days on end.
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Originally Posted by ElizaD
It's like friends egging someone on to walk a tightrope when they know the person has no balance. Someone who drinks till they blackout or throws up and then pours themselves another drink is someone who should be encouraged to maintain their sobriety. It sounds like it makes your friends feel uncomfortable about their own drinking. Put yourself and what's best for you first.
I’ve never thrown up in front of anyone but I did often but they never saw my alcoholism so they don’t know the magnitude of my struggle so I guess that’s why they don’t understand. However, I will just have to show them I am still me without the booze.
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Originally Posted by MindfulMan
I pretty much do whatever I used to do. Without drinking.
But within reason. The last bachelor party in Vegas (a few years before I got sober) involved a roomful of booze, a mountain of cocaine, and some oxys. I wouldn't put myself in that situation now. Not because I'd be tempted, but because I'd be bored watching everyone else get completely obliterated.
I wouldn't put myself on a "boys trip" where partying was a central activity at 2.5 months sober.
Other than that my social life has pretty much been what it was. I have gone wine smelling with friends. Since I can't ingest it I can only get the nose. My friends now love it, because they have a designated driver.
The party house that Kdon described above was my house from about 2003 - 2010. Everyone came over to drink, smoke, barbecue and hang out...it was a beach community. There were four of us who were the core partiers.
I'm sober, but I almost didn't make it.
My roommate died at 49 in 2012.
A constant attendee is in AA and has 5 years now. He got sober not long after I broke up the party in 2010.
The last guy is 18 years younger than me. His wife is an alcoholic and he's a total pothead, but since they had a baby they rarely indulge. Let's hope it stays that way.
But within reason. The last bachelor party in Vegas (a few years before I got sober) involved a roomful of booze, a mountain of cocaine, and some oxys. I wouldn't put myself in that situation now. Not because I'd be tempted, but because I'd be bored watching everyone else get completely obliterated.
I wouldn't put myself on a "boys trip" where partying was a central activity at 2.5 months sober.
Other than that my social life has pretty much been what it was. I have gone wine smelling with friends. Since I can't ingest it I can only get the nose. My friends now love it, because they have a designated driver.
The party house that Kdon described above was my house from about 2003 - 2010. Everyone came over to drink, smoke, barbecue and hang out...it was a beach community. There were four of us who were the core partiers.
I'm sober, but I almost didn't make it.
My roommate died at 49 in 2012.
A constant attendee is in AA and has 5 years now. He got sober not long after I broke up the party in 2010.
The last guy is 18 years younger than me. His wife is an alcoholic and he's a total pothead, but since they had a baby they rarely indulge. Let's hope it stays that way.
Funny thing is I live in Vegas and I entertain here so sometimes I find myself in rooms with a lot of things I shouldn’t put in my body. In the past 2.5 months I’ve gotten a gym membership and started body building again so I trust my mindset right now. All of our best mates haven’t seen my new transformer me they just know I’m not drinking but not knowing why I stopped.
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Originally Posted by Lizajane
Hi Fikes! Congratulations on 2.5 months sober. This is a big deal to your partner because excessive drinkers feel comfortable with excessive drinkers. This is going to be a big transition for both of you. My husband had a really hard time with his friends understanding that he had to QUIT drinking, not just cut down when he went on golfing weekends. There was a lot of pressure to just loosen up and have a couple. Even though these friends knew he had drinking issues. They did not understand the extent to which they were destroying his life. My advice would be to not go on these weekends for now. Until your friends begin to accept your sobriety, spending a long period of time with them in a situation where going home when you felt ready is not an option might not be the best plan. Good luck with this! You are definitely making a good life improving choice. It will just take time to sort out what else might need to change along with this.
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It sounds like your mind is made up regarding the trip. That worries me for you- I totally agree with the others who said "don't put yourself in such situations" - this early, especially.
Apart from that - worrying about what others think could kill me. Literally, it I let that into my mind as a primary thought process.
And, last, since I'm being succinct though have LOTS more to say on the above comments:
A dynamic develops between a couple, even a family, when someone is an alcoholic. When actively drinking, that person has to be adjusted for (whether others drink or not). When getting sober and COMPLETELY changing one's life- which is the "radical" notion I believe in firmly for successful and ongoing recovery- that dynamic changes. People don't like change. Less, for sure, if the dynamic involved both people drinking and one quits.
I can't say enough that you need to be your top priority.
To close- I was told early that "NO" is a complete sentence. And I mean that to such extremes as missing a family holiday (did that my 2d sober Christmas because, well, the drama that popped up just doesn't fit into my life) - it would include such "big" things as my step-daughter's wedding some day, spending time with my globally acknowledged wayward stepson, and anything and everything that might threaten my emotional sobriety, which is my focus here in my 3d year. At 2.5 mo- I couldn't think that far ahead so I just had to trust that declining things was the sure way NOT to drink, or to re-open that door.
Best to you.
Apart from that - worrying about what others think could kill me. Literally, it I let that into my mind as a primary thought process.
And, last, since I'm being succinct though have LOTS more to say on the above comments:
A dynamic develops between a couple, even a family, when someone is an alcoholic. When actively drinking, that person has to be adjusted for (whether others drink or not). When getting sober and COMPLETELY changing one's life- which is the "radical" notion I believe in firmly for successful and ongoing recovery- that dynamic changes. People don't like change. Less, for sure, if the dynamic involved both people drinking and one quits.
I can't say enough that you need to be your top priority.
To close- I was told early that "NO" is a complete sentence. And I mean that to such extremes as missing a family holiday (did that my 2d sober Christmas because, well, the drama that popped up just doesn't fit into my life) - it would include such "big" things as my step-daughter's wedding some day, spending time with my globally acknowledged wayward stepson, and anything and everything that might threaten my emotional sobriety, which is my focus here in my 3d year. At 2.5 mo- I couldn't think that far ahead so I just had to trust that declining things was the sure way NOT to drink, or to re-open that door.
Best to you.
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August...NO is a complete sentence, I like that!
Fikes you have stopped drinking alcohol for good reasons. It is not good for anyone, but for some of us it is dangerous. Your partner's worry about this changing things for your future says to me the future planned in his mind was about the two of you as party partners. I understand that. My husband and I were amazing party partners until his alcohol progressed and it was clear he needed to stop. It changed a lot for both of us. Someone who really loves you would have what is best your health ahead of how this changes things for them.
Keep up the quit. One day at a time. Make decisions TODAY that help you stay sober and avoid thinking too far ahead. You can't stop future drinking, so just focus on what you need to do to not drink today.
Fikes you have stopped drinking alcohol for good reasons. It is not good for anyone, but for some of us it is dangerous. Your partner's worry about this changing things for your future says to me the future planned in his mind was about the two of you as party partners. I understand that. My husband and I were amazing party partners until his alcohol progressed and it was clear he needed to stop. It changed a lot for both of us. Someone who really loves you would have what is best your health ahead of how this changes things for them.
Keep up the quit. One day at a time. Make decisions TODAY that help you stay sober and avoid thinking too far ahead. You can't stop future drinking, so just focus on what you need to do to not drink today.
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Originally Posted by FikesM
I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I missed this trip. We only see each other once a year and one of my best friends is turning 30! I feel confident in my capability to remain sober it’s just the pressures of explaining I am still the Sam person drunk or sober. Like, i can still be fun.
It is all well and good to say you are confident you won't drink, but you are still at a very early stage where sobriety is not embedded into your life.
I am also confident I wouldn't drink on a weekend away with friends, but I'd still avoid going within at least the first year because it is an unnecessary risk to me. The fact you also talk about pressure to explain you are still the same person to your friends. That is alarming that you feel that way, what if the pressure overwhelms you or leads to stress and you find it easier just to drink when on this trip? How will you manage being around friends when they are heavily intoxicated and you are the only sober one? Trips away are different from parties when you can just drive home once everyone at the party becomes too intoxicated...on trips you are stuck there.
I wouldn't feel any pressure about proving to my friends that I am still the same person sober. If they are such good friends, they should already know the real you sober or otherwise....no?
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