Young lawyer struggling for over a decade now
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 2
Young lawyer struggling for over a decade now
So I'm not really sure where to start. I've read this site off and on over the years but this is the first time I had the guts to register and post. I've always felt like I was different from anyone who has ever had a problem and I'm sure that hasn't helped the situation. I apologize for the long post but I feel like it's relevant and hope someone out there has been through something similar and can offer some useful words.
I am now 29 years old, single and a lawyer living in my hometown. I first started struggling with alcohol when I was 17 years old. I never hung with the outrageous partying crowd in high school but I was always the type to have a spiked drink getting messed up while I hung out with my sober friends. It was funny for awhile but I felt hopeless. My friends laughed it off and my parents had no idea but I had dozens of empty liquour bottles hidden throughout my room. The summer after graduation I finally reached a point where I felt like things were out of control and reached out to a priest who helped get me into a detox/ rehab. My parents were devastated but were very supportive as I attempted to "get help". I stayed in the inpatient program for a total of 5 days before I called my parents and convinced them to pick me up and take me home because "I was better". For the next 30 days I went to AA meetings and was amazingly able to stay sober. I later lost all faith in AA after one of my friends asked me about it after his dad heard I was attending from someone he knew who saw me at a meeting. I stayed sober for those 30 days before I went to college orientation and blacked out repeatedly. For the next 4 years I struggled with alcohol and eventually managed to be kicked out of my fraternity for my behavior.
Somehow getting kicked out of my fraternity my junior year was a wake-up call and I managed to improve my grades and get into law school. My first semester of law school was no different than my years of undergrad. I partied 6 nights out of every week while my classmates studied like never before. My first semester grades were the lowest I'd ever seen but I managed to stay above the line of those who wouldn't make it.
The next semester, the second semester of law school I met someone who changed everything. For once I felt like I was worth something and I was happier than I'd ever been. I had never been happier and thought I had met the one. The next year was one of the most sober of the last decade. We'd go out and have fun but for once I was drinking in a social setting on the weekend and not by myself in large amounts during the week. (I would later learn that while I thought I was on my best behavior my drinking was still taking a toll on the relationship and years later caused her to give up on everything. )A year into the relationship she entered her own depression as her father was slowly passing away and I stayed by her side through the months until he passed away and the year after as she withdrew more and more. I finally passed the Bar exam and took a job about 50 miles away. She pulled more and more away and eventually stopped talking to me. I can't blame her. She tried for years after her father's death but I became harder and harder to deal with.
A couple years ago I returned to my hometown for a job. I was hoping this would right the ship but it hasn't. I'm drinking as much as I ever have and usually drink 2 handles of scotch each week. My law school friends all live at least 8 hours away and while I often call them way too intoxicated they have all begun their own lives, all married and most have had children. I still have not progressed to this point. Some have expressed concern and I've sworn them to secrecy as it would ruin everything. A couple of months ago a beautiful woman I'd met when I first moved back to my hometown agreed to go out with me and things have been going wonderful but I can't help thinking I will ruin everything and sabotage the relationship with my drinking. I've acted like a drunk idiot on a couple of outings and I'm sure it's only a matter of time before she gives up on me too.
People often toss around the term "high-functioning alcoholic" and I feel like it perfectly describes me but I'm just wondering as someone disillusioned with the privacy of AA and someone who can't get treatment in a non-private setting if anyone has any advice on how to proceed forward. I'm only 29 and am what alot of people see as successful but I feel like things are spiraling out of control. It's definitely time to do something!
I am now 29 years old, single and a lawyer living in my hometown. I first started struggling with alcohol when I was 17 years old. I never hung with the outrageous partying crowd in high school but I was always the type to have a spiked drink getting messed up while I hung out with my sober friends. It was funny for awhile but I felt hopeless. My friends laughed it off and my parents had no idea but I had dozens of empty liquour bottles hidden throughout my room. The summer after graduation I finally reached a point where I felt like things were out of control and reached out to a priest who helped get me into a detox/ rehab. My parents were devastated but were very supportive as I attempted to "get help". I stayed in the inpatient program for a total of 5 days before I called my parents and convinced them to pick me up and take me home because "I was better". For the next 30 days I went to AA meetings and was amazingly able to stay sober. I later lost all faith in AA after one of my friends asked me about it after his dad heard I was attending from someone he knew who saw me at a meeting. I stayed sober for those 30 days before I went to college orientation and blacked out repeatedly. For the next 4 years I struggled with alcohol and eventually managed to be kicked out of my fraternity for my behavior.
Somehow getting kicked out of my fraternity my junior year was a wake-up call and I managed to improve my grades and get into law school. My first semester of law school was no different than my years of undergrad. I partied 6 nights out of every week while my classmates studied like never before. My first semester grades were the lowest I'd ever seen but I managed to stay above the line of those who wouldn't make it.
The next semester, the second semester of law school I met someone who changed everything. For once I felt like I was worth something and I was happier than I'd ever been. I had never been happier and thought I had met the one. The next year was one of the most sober of the last decade. We'd go out and have fun but for once I was drinking in a social setting on the weekend and not by myself in large amounts during the week. (I would later learn that while I thought I was on my best behavior my drinking was still taking a toll on the relationship and years later caused her to give up on everything. )A year into the relationship she entered her own depression as her father was slowly passing away and I stayed by her side through the months until he passed away and the year after as she withdrew more and more. I finally passed the Bar exam and took a job about 50 miles away. She pulled more and more away and eventually stopped talking to me. I can't blame her. She tried for years after her father's death but I became harder and harder to deal with.
A couple years ago I returned to my hometown for a job. I was hoping this would right the ship but it hasn't. I'm drinking as much as I ever have and usually drink 2 handles of scotch each week. My law school friends all live at least 8 hours away and while I often call them way too intoxicated they have all begun their own lives, all married and most have had children. I still have not progressed to this point. Some have expressed concern and I've sworn them to secrecy as it would ruin everything. A couple of months ago a beautiful woman I'd met when I first moved back to my hometown agreed to go out with me and things have been going wonderful but I can't help thinking I will ruin everything and sabotage the relationship with my drinking. I've acted like a drunk idiot on a couple of outings and I'm sure it's only a matter of time before she gives up on me too.
People often toss around the term "high-functioning alcoholic" and I feel like it perfectly describes me but I'm just wondering as someone disillusioned with the privacy of AA and someone who can't get treatment in a non-private setting if anyone has any advice on how to proceed forward. I'm only 29 and am what alot of people see as successful but I feel like things are spiraling out of control. It's definitely time to do something!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,597
Hi JD -- welcome to the posting side! There are a number of ways to approach this besides AA -- read around and post questions and you'll find a wealth of good info. A better life without alcohol is just ahead, yours for the taking.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,590
Welcome AddictedJD1989 - I'm glad you posted 
you'll find a lot of support here. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with AA - I'm not in AA but I think it's fair to say that experience is not the norm.
The goods news is there are a lot of other methods around - some meeting based and some not.
There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players, including but not limited to AA:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.
The main thing tho - whatever you decide to do - is do something.
D
you'll find a lot of support here. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with AA - I'm not in AA but I think it's fair to say that experience is not the norm.
The goods news is there are a lot of other methods around - some meeting based and some not.
There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players, including but not limited to AA:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.
The main thing tho - whatever you decide to do - is do something.
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,834
Welcome! There are lots of methods/programs to treat addiction. Here are some.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...at-we-did.html (Recovery Programs & What to Expect (What We Did))
My recovery program was counseling once a week and daily visits to SR. I'm 8.5 yrs sober and haven't been in counseling for three years but still come here every day to read and post. I get a lot of inspiration here.
I hope our support can help you achieve your goal of lasting sobriety.
There are lots of methods/programs to treat addiction. Here are some.https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...at-we-did.html (Recovery Programs & What to Expect (What We Did))
My recovery program was counseling once a week and daily visits to SR. I'm 8.5 yrs sober and haven't been in counseling for three years but still come here every day to read and post. I get a lot of inspiration here.
I hope our support can help you achieve your goal of lasting sobriety.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I was high functioning as well. No hard bottom. Just a run of the mill, progressively worsening drunk but had all the creature comforts.
After decades of drinking and the continuing destruction of relationships coupled with the guilt, shame and disgust that goes with the bottle I finally decided to work the program of AA. I had drank enough Glenfiddich.
I said to my wife - if I go to AA others will know I'm a drunk. She retorted - they already know. When we declare ourselves alcoholic, it becomes unanimous. We may think we are hiding, but the reality is much different. Alcohol permeates every fiber of our being and all we touch in the universe. It is not a moral issue however, it is a sickness. I needed to get well.
I know doctors, judges, lawyers and politicians)though I don't claim many of them) who are friends in AA. I live in pretty small community as well. Most of us had some misgivings at first. But the reality is the other outcome - jails, institutions and death.
If stopping on ones own is an issue as it was with me, turning to a program that has helped millions was the best decision I made. At first I thought it was the path of weakness. Nothing is farther from the truth. It a path of strength, awakening, fellowship and revival of life.
Welcome
After decades of drinking and the continuing destruction of relationships coupled with the guilt, shame and disgust that goes with the bottle I finally decided to work the program of AA. I had drank enough Glenfiddich.
I said to my wife - if I go to AA others will know I'm a drunk. She retorted - they already know. When we declare ourselves alcoholic, it becomes unanimous. We may think we are hiding, but the reality is much different. Alcohol permeates every fiber of our being and all we touch in the universe. It is not a moral issue however, it is a sickness. I needed to get well.
I know doctors, judges, lawyers and politicians)though I don't claim many of them) who are friends in AA. I live in pretty small community as well. Most of us had some misgivings at first. But the reality is the other outcome - jails, institutions and death.
If stopping on ones own is an issue as it was with me, turning to a program that has helped millions was the best decision I made. At first I thought it was the path of weakness. Nothing is farther from the truth. It a path of strength, awakening, fellowship and revival of life.
Welcome
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Hi JD. You can absolutely change the trajectory right now. It's great that you recognise it's time to do something.
You have referenced that you're a lawyer in the title of your thread and the way you introduced yourself. It's clearly a key part of your identity. I'm guessing you're afraid of losing that part of your identity to booze, along with the stable career path, reliable income and social respect it brings. That's perfectly understandable. They're a big part of what motivated me to quit too.
I did not quit with AA. Here's a summary of what I did:
1. Seeing my doctor: I went to see my GP on Day 1 of stopping and came clean that I had a problem with alcohol. She advised me to stop immediately, and we worked out a program that involved meds to stop if I needed them, blood testing, and a counsellor.
2. Counselling: I saw my counsellor once a week for six months. She was not ultimately a big part of my recovery but I did that religiously, because I was determined to fulfil every part of the program I'd established and leave nothing to chance.
3. Accountability to loved ones: I told all the people who were important to me that I was quitting because I was abusing alcohol. They were: my parents, my siblings and a couple of close friends. Every one of them was supportive, so I was lucky. More importantly, it gave me accountability.
4. Recovery plan: I drew up a recovery plan that neatly listed all my triggers (like travelling, being home alone after work and so on) and my strategies for dealing with them (exercise, reading books on recovery, coming on SR, drinking herbal teas, calling a family member). I revisited the plan every so often and updated as needed, after 1 month, 2 months and 3 months.
5. SR daily: I came onto SR everyday and joined a class thread. I posted on the class thread everyday and that became my recovery diary.
6. Exercise: I found another pursuit that soaked up my time and energy. In this case, running and fitness. I have become a mad long distance runner as a result. Fitness and sobriety have become a vital positive feedback loop for me. The longer sober time I had, the fitter I became. The fitter I became, the less I had the urge to drink.
7.Self-education: I read lots of books on recovery, including books on the physiological reasons for alcoholism. This helped stripped away my denial and made me realise just one drink would be enough to set me back down that terrible road.
I treated my recovery like the most important exam I have ever sat for, plus the most important work project I've ever executed, plus the most important promise I've ever made to someone I love. It's a life's work but the results have been more than worth it. I'm so much more fulfilled in my personal and professional lives.
All the best and welcome!
You have referenced that you're a lawyer in the title of your thread and the way you introduced yourself. It's clearly a key part of your identity. I'm guessing you're afraid of losing that part of your identity to booze, along with the stable career path, reliable income and social respect it brings. That's perfectly understandable. They're a big part of what motivated me to quit too.
I did not quit with AA. Here's a summary of what I did:
1. Seeing my doctor: I went to see my GP on Day 1 of stopping and came clean that I had a problem with alcohol. She advised me to stop immediately, and we worked out a program that involved meds to stop if I needed them, blood testing, and a counsellor.
2. Counselling: I saw my counsellor once a week for six months. She was not ultimately a big part of my recovery but I did that religiously, because I was determined to fulfil every part of the program I'd established and leave nothing to chance.
3. Accountability to loved ones: I told all the people who were important to me that I was quitting because I was abusing alcohol. They were: my parents, my siblings and a couple of close friends. Every one of them was supportive, so I was lucky. More importantly, it gave me accountability.
4. Recovery plan: I drew up a recovery plan that neatly listed all my triggers (like travelling, being home alone after work and so on) and my strategies for dealing with them (exercise, reading books on recovery, coming on SR, drinking herbal teas, calling a family member). I revisited the plan every so often and updated as needed, after 1 month, 2 months and 3 months.
5. SR daily: I came onto SR everyday and joined a class thread. I posted on the class thread everyday and that became my recovery diary.
6. Exercise: I found another pursuit that soaked up my time and energy. In this case, running and fitness. I have become a mad long distance runner as a result. Fitness and sobriety have become a vital positive feedback loop for me. The longer sober time I had, the fitter I became. The fitter I became, the less I had the urge to drink.
7.Self-education: I read lots of books on recovery, including books on the physiological reasons for alcoholism. This helped stripped away my denial and made me realise just one drink would be enough to set me back down that terrible road.
I treated my recovery like the most important exam I have ever sat for, plus the most important work project I've ever executed, plus the most important promise I've ever made to someone I love. It's a life's work but the results have been more than worth it. I'm so much more fulfilled in my personal and professional lives.
All the best and welcome!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 80
Welcome!
Shame and embarrassment is certainly something we all can relate to.
I’m around your age and a law enforcement officer. I was pretty “high functioning, although I don’t like that term. I don’t believe any alcoholic is truly “functioning”. It’s definetely more dysfunctional than anything else.
I figured drinking the way I did at my age wouldn’t impact my body. I deal with alcoholics on the job all day every day. The older guys, who have cirrhosis and more health problems than one can count. Yet, I have been to many death calls with people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. All of them were heavy abusers of alcohol.
I started developing health problems. High blood pressure, high cholesterol, high triglycerides, and my blood sugar was out of whack. I’m 6’3 and 200 pounds. I’m not obese, and I lied to my doctor when he was baffled by my blood work. It was my alcohol abuse. Plain and simple.
I could have been married several times with children. Most of my peers are, but alcoholism ruined every relationship I had. It tore all my good attributes out of me, and replaced them with bad ones. Jealousy, stupidity, and I just didn’t give a crap about anyone but myself.
You sir...are an alcoholic. I’m glad you have reached out, and now it’s time to do something about it! If you don’t, your life with certainly spiral out of control. Mine did, and now I’m living a happy, healthy, and worthy life. It can be done...
Shame and embarrassment is certainly something we all can relate to.
I’m around your age and a law enforcement officer. I was pretty “high functioning, although I don’t like that term. I don’t believe any alcoholic is truly “functioning”. It’s definetely more dysfunctional than anything else.
I figured drinking the way I did at my age wouldn’t impact my body. I deal with alcoholics on the job all day every day. The older guys, who have cirrhosis and more health problems than one can count. Yet, I have been to many death calls with people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. All of them were heavy abusers of alcohol.
I started developing health problems. High blood pressure, high cholesterol, high triglycerides, and my blood sugar was out of whack. I’m 6’3 and 200 pounds. I’m not obese, and I lied to my doctor when he was baffled by my blood work. It was my alcohol abuse. Plain and simple.
I could have been married several times with children. Most of my peers are, but alcoholism ruined every relationship I had. It tore all my good attributes out of me, and replaced them with bad ones. Jealousy, stupidity, and I just didn’t give a crap about anyone but myself.
You sir...are an alcoholic. I’m glad you have reached out, and now it’s time to do something about it! If you don’t, your life with certainly spiral out of control. Mine did, and now I’m living a happy, healthy, and worthy life. It can be done...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,929
I’m a lawyer too. Not sure what state you are in but the state bar here has a truly confidential support program for those who are struggling. In addition to all the other good suggestions you may want to at least see what you’ve got and if it’s helpful.
I guess I would also say I have found it helpful to try and keep in mind that whether my drinking problem was as far advanced as that of others, in other words this idea of high functioning, it was still a problem and I don’t have to live that way anymore.
Welcome and hope to see you keep posting and benefiting from the awesome support on this site.
I guess I would also say I have found it helpful to try and keep in mind that whether my drinking problem was as far advanced as that of others, in other words this idea of high functioning, it was still a problem and I don’t have to live that way anymore.
Welcome and hope to see you keep posting and benefiting from the awesome support on this site.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,253
I was 30 yrs old when I entered rehab
where I began my recovery journey
listening, learning, absorbing and applying
a program of recovery 27 yrs ago. A
continuous recovery program that I
incorporate in my daily life to achieve,
health, happiness, honesty and many
of life's amazing gifts.
So can you with putting your addiction
to rest for good and moving forward
building a strong, solid recovery foundation
to live your life upon.
where I began my recovery journey
listening, learning, absorbing and applying
a program of recovery 27 yrs ago. A
continuous recovery program that I
incorporate in my daily life to achieve,
health, happiness, honesty and many
of life's amazing gifts.
So can you with putting your addiction
to rest for good and moving forward
building a strong, solid recovery foundation
to live your life upon.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 274
There are two lawyers in my AA home group. One is a prominent prosecutor. People probably know that they are in AA but it has not ruined their careers. But you may want to check out the numerous resources mentioned above.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 853
I agree 100% with Miss Perfumado about the identity instability. I think a lot of self-proclaimed "high-functioning" alcoholics (myself included) drink out of sense of professional and personal insecurity. A lot of white-collar professions, including the law, business, and my own field, academics, etc. normalize the "work hard, play hard" lifestyle. On this site, I've learned I'm not especially special.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I later lost all faith in AA after one of my friends asked me about it after his dad heard I was attending from someone he knew who saw me at a meeting.
I admit that I am a bit biased, but I side more with alcoholics in recovery than I do with active high functioning alcoholics. I will gladly stand in the corner of someone who is seeking help with an alcohol problem.
If the worst thing that someone can say about me is that I recognize that I have a problem and am seeking help, I would consider that a win!
Karate girl
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 109
Welcome! I was also high functioning. One day I just decided enough was enough and I quit drinking. Period. I am not in AA or any other program, but I have found healthier habits in life other than drinking - running, lifting weights, karate, etc. Wishing you the best
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
Almost every state has a lawyers assistance program that offers help with drinking and substance abuse. I watched a CLE last year and, no surprise, drinking is rampant in our profession, especially among lawyers within their first 10 years of practice. You don't want to get to the point where your drinking leads to ethical misconduct. This is support out there if you want it.
https://www.americanbar.org/groups/l..._by_state.html
https://www.americanbar.org/groups/l..._by_state.html
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,634
Great responses already - so I'll just add my good wishes. Thankfully, you're taking action & want to get free. We know you can! Please stay with us and keep posting - we care about you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,414
If you stay sober then who cares you’re in AA. I think the only people who worry about “being outed” are those who aren’t in AA. Where’s the problem? If you don’t drink again then there are no worries at all. Maybe that’s the problem? Have you totally accepted your alcoholism? There’s no stigma to being a sober person. There’s stigma to being a drunken embrassment though.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 274
When I was in rehab there was a special super confidential program for high profile people, mostly executives, doctors and lawyers. It had some additional features and part of the thought behind was not to be elitist but to be with one's peers. I was a professor then and it was recommended to me. But it was quite expensive and my insurance wouldn't pay for it. So I stayed two weeks in the regular part of the rehab. Was sober two years after that, then had a series of terrible relapses and hit rock bottom. There is an outpatient clinic here in the small town where I live that I have used, maybe there s one close to you? I go to AA, though. With lawyers and doctors and everybody else!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: ireland
Posts: 138
I know that lawyers have a high alcoholism rate for that profession maybe its the fact that dealing with law is always in a negative situation.I am still battling this addiction and have found mindfulness helpful but I know in the back of my mind that if I need to beat this illness I have to do what ever it takes AA, Rehab so I would advise that you do whatever it takes
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 274
I dated a lawyer for 15 years, he has had a new girlfriend for quite a while but I regret that my drinking spoiled our relationship. But while he is "functioning" and highly respected he has to have at least a bottle of wine EVERY evening plus two glasses for lunch on weekends and holidays. We went to counseling and the councelor suggested that he give up wine for two weeks in support of me trying to get sober, He would not even consider it, much less do it. He never was nearly as bad as I was, but I 'd say he has some kind of dependence.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
Originally Posted by icewater1961 
I dated a lawyer for 15 years, he has had a new girlfriend for quite a while but I regret that my drinking spoiled our relationship. But while he is "functioning" and highly respected he has to have at least a bottle of wine EVERY evening plus two glasses for lunch on weekends and holidays. We went to counseling and the councelor suggested that he give up wine for two weeks in support of me trying to get sober, He would not even consider it, much less do it. He never was nearly as bad as I was, but I 'd say he has some kind of dependence.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
