Gilmer

Have you considered totally leveling with your husband about the depth and extent of your problem and asking him for his support in helping you overcome it?

If you are both sincere in a desire to restore you to your true self, a shared confidence and a common goal for which to fight together may well knit you closer than you’ve been in awhile.

Katzen

My husband refuses to talk or listen to me and I’m actually not sure if I want to continue our marriage. We both said mean things to each other, we’ve never done that before, and I know we both were trying to hurt each other’s feelings but I believe we both really meant what we said just kept it bottled up before. I did try to apologize and told him he really is the best thing in my life besides my kids (not his kids, I met him after I split with their father). He really is a good man and I told him I didn’t deserve someone like him and he looked me straight in the eye and said “your don’t deserve me you disgusting drunk”. And it wasn’t so much that I drank that last time, it was that I lied about it and then finally threw it in his face that I’ve been sneaking booze for years he was such a fool for not noticing... while he was at work all day making money so I can stay home and get drunk. It was probably worse than if I had confessed to cheating on him (I never have).

I don’t deserve him and I don’t know if this marriage can or should be saved. Just feeling really down today but determined to stay sober now that I wouldn’t even have to hide booze if I bought some.

Gilmer

Sleep on it and be patient.

Give him time to recover from feeling like the world’s biggest moron. It’s understandable that he might not be in the mood to be approached.

But don’t give up hope:

“If a ruler’s anger rises against you, do not leave your post; calmness can lay great errors to rest.” — Ecclesiastes 10:4

ProfessorD

Aw, I'm sorry you are feeling down. I'm sure you are still beautiful, and I know you can still find love. Plus, you'll never be as young again as you are RIGHT NOW

MissPerfumado

I've never been married but I've read often that when people are betrayed by cheating spouses, they usually say it's not the cheating that hurts so much, it's the lying. I can see why they'd say that. It's the thought that you've been going about your life, sharing it with this person, and all the while, they were not who you believed they were. The cheating spouse usually has a ton of work to do to restore trust. There is a lot the betrayed spouse has to process: the shock, the feeling of being thrown off balance, going through all those times they had assumed one thing but it was completely not what they thought etc.

Your situation may be a lot more like an affair situation than you realise. It might help to read through some of the advice that affair recovery websites give to cheating spouses. It's possible to repair a marriage damaged by fundamental dishonesty but it does take time and commitment and WORK.

It also is often expressed as resulting in a new marriage - your old marriage is over, effectively.

I'm sorry you're going through this but you've also said that maybe some of this bitterness had to come out. Maybe it did for you to rebuild (if you want to rebuild it).

Take care.

Katzen

I think that’s why I’m struggling today to stay sober... I’m not sure if I want this marriage to continue, it terrifies me to think if we divorce I’ll be alone every night, one reason I started drinking in excess is I’m alone all day the 3-4 days a week my husband works and I get terrified someone’s going to break into our home, happened to a neighbor and my car got broken into last year.

What will my family think if we divorce... they have no idea I became an alcoholic I always wanted to be a good role model to my kids, they think I have the perfect marriage, nice house, great life why should I be a secret alcoholic?

I still struggle with pain from endometriosis, which gets so bad I had to stop working when I’d have to stay home for weeks at a time, how can I manage without my husband’s income, how will my life change, who will take care of our two spoiled dogs if we divorce and I have to go back to work? I can’t give them up I love them too much, they alert me to any noises they hear so I feel safer, they helped me stop drinking too much when I adopted them last year I have to be able to care for them, they give me unconditional love and are always thrilled to see me even if I just go outside to my car for one minute to get a bottle of booze I had stashed in the trunk and I would feel ashamed of myself and promise them it would be the last bottle....

Hoping my last bottle really was MY LAST. Thanks to everyone in these forums for your kind words, I don’t feel like I’m alone in my struggle anymore.