Quake84

I’m 33. I’m actively using. But life with alcohol is becoming unbearable. Nearly every time I go out to have drinks, I blackout. I drink too fast. I drink too much. Even if I’m out with a friend “just for a couple”, after the first two, I can’t stop. I always end up blacking out. The worst is when I go out with coworkers, or people I don’t know very well, people I’ve just met... I have so much social anxiety that I just drink excessively. Even though I’m telling myself not to. Even sometimes I don’t realize how fast and how much I’m drinking. The next thing I know I’m waking up at home with the kitchen a disaster, empty bottles of wine that were full before I went out. No idea how I got home. And the sinking feeling in my stomach that I have to face these strangers again. I’ve left AND lost jobs because of bad blackouts. I recently met all my boyfriends friends he grew up with, who mean a lot to him. What did I do the first night I met them? Blacked out. I then had to spend 3 more days on vacation with them and had such bad anxiety I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I can’t even count how many times over the years I’ve blacked out. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is the same as me. Except when he blacks out, he gets funny and is still charming and doesn’t scare people away. I, on the other hand, act like a weirdo. People have said that it seems like I’m on drugs/another planet when I black out. My anxiety after blackouts is so bad that sometimes I’ll avoid people or places for weeks or months. Sometimes I’ll call in sick to work so I have an extra day to hope people forgot about me embarrassing myself. The other problem is that I work in the restaurant/bar industry. It’s the only thing I’ve ever done. I don’t have a college degree. It’s the only thing I’m good at. But it means I am constantly surrounded by alcohol and people going out. It means even at work I can drink (basically the only place I can drink with moderation). I mean I can hang out at home with my boyfriend and have a couple glasses of wine and be fine. It’s when I go out with the intentions of getting drunk or go out with people I don’t know that well... that’s when I lose all control. I’ve been blacking out now for 10 years. And it’s getting progressively worse. Is ther anyone who can relate? Does anyone struggle with anxiety normally, that alcohol/blacking out just makes 100x worse? I live in a city with such a huge drinking culture. I work in a culture of drinking. Is it possible to learn moderation?

2muchpain

It doesn't sound like moderation is in your future. You are in a tough spot and I can emphasize with you. The problem with your drinking is that it will only get worse. There's just no way around it. I too struggle with incredible anxiety. I'd drink to feel comfortable in social situations and it does work for a while, but unfortunately the drinking gets out of control. I would drink to get comfortable, then drink to get drunk. Made a fool of myself many times. Blackouts were common. Would start drinking on a Friday night and wake up on Sunday or Mo nday. Terrible way to live if that's what you call living. My advice is to quit drinking, stay close to SR and get as much support as you can get. It's really hard but it can be done. Bear down and be determined. In all honesty, it's a real pain to quit, but it can be done. Do whatever it takes to not drink TODAY. Take a shower, drink lots of water, eat sweets, lay in bed, watch utube music videos, anything to keep you busy. Good luck. John

Gabe1980

I totally relate. Actually I could have written your post.

I'm in early recovery after a black out where it was only by the grace of god that I didn't kill myself, be really badly harmed or have lost job/relationship etc. I know how horrible and terrifying the postion you are in is. The only thing I can share is that I managed to get past my social anxiety in my mid-thirties (I'm 37 now) but the blackouts don't stop. The get worse and more dangerous. My only option is to be sober. I hope you come to that conclusion too.

You are certainly not alone. Lots of support here. Please be safe. Gabe x

Distorted Me

Quake84 thank you for your raw honesty and telling your story. You are on the right path because you are so self-aware. You are very intelligent and I don't think you are going to accept being this way forever. You'll stop when you finally get so sick of being this way there is no other option.

I worked in the restaurant industry for many years. I'll probably be returning to it soon. I definitely understand how difficult that environment is. I think the answer is the same as what it takes for any alcoholic to stop drinking and never, ever have another drink again. You have to completely change how you think and how you think and feel about alcohol. It cannot be pleasurable in any way. I mean, is really fun right now? Change your relationship with alcohol completely. Train yourself to be disgusted with it whenever you see it or think about it.

That's what I'm trying to do right now. I know it can work. It has to or I will drink again and if I drink ever again, I lose to alcohol. People who relapse never change their perception of alcohol and always feel like they're losing something by not drinking. You know, or you wouldn't have admitted so much, that you will absolutely regain your self respect when you quit letting alcohol control you. That is a very powerful thing. How powerful would you feel if you could serve drinks all night and never desired one because they made you physically sick? It's possible.

And your problem is at least two-fold. I am certain that you need to see someone about your anxiety. Please see a professional and start getting real help with it. I have recently done so and it's been amazing. There's so much power in finding out so much about yourself. I recently was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and social anxiety (and probably PTSD) mostly from my f--ked up childhood. I hate those labels but I respect myself now so much more. It all explains so much about me and my life.

You sound like a very intelligent person who just has some serious anxiety issues but there might be more and there's nothing wrong about that. There is so much power in really finding out what's really going on with you. I think this is the first step to your sobriety.

You may not be able to keep working in restaurants and be successful but you can clearly be good at something else. You're very smart you just need to start getting experience at something else and keep building on that. You'll figure it out.

least

Based on what you said, I'd say that moderation is just not possible. I tried and failed many times. It was easier for me to stop drinking completely.

I hope our support can help you get sober for good. If you continue drinking, something awful could happen.

Hevyn

Hi Quake. It's good to meet you.

I was in the same situation when I came to SR - only I was much older. I didn't take action in my 30's the way you are. It does sound like all bets are off once it's in your system. As Least said, it's easier to stop all together than to moderate. In fact, it was impossible for me to ever control the amounts I drank. One drink always led to too many - then blackout. It's a dangerous & destructive way to live. I hope you'll consider stopping all together. We're here to help - glad you joined us.

Hevyn

luvSOBERlife - It's good to have you with us, too. You're never alone.

doggonecarl

Quitting is long overdue. I hope you will give it serious thought.

Quake84

All these replies made me feel so supported. I haven’t felt that way in a long, long time. Probably because I haven’t been honest about my problem... ever. I make jokes about it usually. I never say how I actually feel about it. I never share the shame. I never share (and haven’t yet here) the worst of the worst stories. Maybe it’s because this is anonymous. Maybe it’s because it’s others I know have dealt with the same and probably more. But I feel part of a community within the first hours of joining. I feel like you’re my friends. Thank you. Thank you. I can’t wait to grow, learn, and make my own steps toward recovery and a better life for myself. You’re all wonderful people. Thank you.

dcg

I blacked or browned out every day. 4 months clean, and I still have brownouts, just not quite to the same degree as when waking up after drinking. You can't abuse alcohol for a decade and then moderate. It's not possible. Time to quit. Good luck.

Berrybean

Oh Quake. So many similarities!

No, we cannot learn moderation.

But we can learn to be comfortable in our own skin sober. That is something that can be achieved by working on our recovery in sobriety. We then get to learn what we actually do enjoy and feel comfortable doing without needing to drink. I always thought of myself as a party girl / woman. Not sure when that change occurred as I hated parties and large groups as a child. Then I discovered alcohol and wooohooo. I was Miss Party herself. Probably a complete pain in the arse to be honest. And it put me in pain, all that shame and hating myself, and worrying about what I'd done and said. Getting my integrity back in sobriety has been a massive gift.

I thought my life was over when I stopped drinking. But actually it was the start of a new, more beautiful life.

Stick around and keep reading and posting. You don't need to keep doing this.

BB

Dee74

Great advice here Quake

I'm really glad you've joined us - Welcome

D

AAPJ

Hi Quake and welcome. Since you work in the restaurant industry and have a boyfriend who is also a blackout drinker I would guess that you are going to have to think very hard about changing your lifestyle in order to stop drinking. I have seen folks who are in AA that are successfully sober despite staying in the restaurant industry. But having a BF who is also a heavy drinker and being in the restaurant industry while trying to get sober? That is going to be tough.

Oh yeah and about moderation. Given your own description of your regular blackout drinking your highest probability path to success in life is quitting not moderating. There's real science behind it too. If we drink too much on a regular basis for a long period of time our brains re-wire themselves so that we are unable to become moderate drinkers going forward.

Regarding your worst of worst stories. I really don't care if you ever share them with us. Trust me we all have our share of horrible experiences with alcohol and nothing you say could surprise us. Why do you think we are here? That said, you may find it helpful to you to share them with someone for your own inner peace and sanity. In AA that's called the 4th and 5th steps.

This could take you a while to process and you may not be ready to quit today. I hope you are but I have seen many folks who show up on the SR forum with a problem, post for a few weeks and then just disappear. But if you do stop visiting this site and keep drinking don't forget this us because whenever you call out for help someone will respond. You are always welcome here. I wish you success in your journey of life.

aasharon90

I had to accept my addiction to alcohol,
then apply a program of recovery taught
to me on a continuous bases, one day at
a time for the past 27 yrs if I wanted to be
successful in achieving many of life's blessings.

There is no moderation.....period.

Verdantia

Hey, Quake--I'm so glad you are here. SR is an awesome place for advice, information, and support and has been a huge part of my getting and staying sober.
Moderation is not possible for me nor most other people here. I have no 'off' switch when it comes to alcohol. I think it's far better to just not drink. Trying to moderate is too difficult and futile if you have a drinking problem. I assure you--you will never regret cutting booze out of your life. You are young and have lots of living to do--please don't live it in the hell of alcoholism. From where you are now things can get much, much worse.
Wishing you all the best on this amazing sober journey.

trachemys

I have pictures developed from film of street scenes in Costa Rica that I have no memory of. I have blacked out EPICALLY.

Only way to stop it is stop drinking.

timm84

Hi there. I can tell you you're definitely not alone. I'm also 33 years old and over-drank for about 12 years for the exact same reasons.

I'm a socially anxious person - probably part to do with bullying as a kid. It is very difficult for me to sit still in a group of more than 3-4 people without doing something with my hands- usually that means a drink or two or 12. Talking just comes much more naturally with a little lubrication.

I think I was a fun drunk - I may have gotten a little loud of a little obnoxious but never boorish like some people get - but it's hard to tell how you're being perceived. For several years I wanted to quit because I was tired of embarrassing myself in front of other people and ruining relationships most of all.

It's been about 2 months now since I've had a drink. To be honest I stopped because I'm getting physical symptoms - constant pain in my right side, ridiculously frequent urination, and some weird itching with no rashes. My doctor says my liver can recover as long as I stay dry.

I don't know how to help you with the anxiety - if I did I wouldn't have come a binge-drinker in the first place. However, I can definitely say that the drinking is only going to make it worse over time. Hangover anxiety progressively gets worse - i don't know how many times the day after a big night out I thought my heart was going to stop or something. Eventually it becomes an every-day thing and you'll start day-drinking just to get over the anxiety from your hangover. Then if you start developing physical problems because your liver or other organs are suffering the anxiety gets really bad.

Have you considered anti-depressants? I just started taking Lexapro and Xanas this week and I already feel a lot better.

Social situations are always going to be rough for people like us but outside of that I can wind down for a while in a hot tub or a sauna if you have one at your gym.

Good luck!

lessgravity

Welcome here and thank you for your honesty. Moderation is a fool's game - one I played in for too many years of my life. Wishing you a quicker exit from the drinking cycle than I found, 33 is a great age to quit.

People without addiction, without a drinking problem don't need to "moderate" - they wouldn't even know what that means. For those of us with the demon inside, quitting is the only way.

Welcome again and thanks for posting.

Zebra1275

Is it possible to learn moderation?

Nope, not in my experience.

PinnacleOR

I’ve been in the hospital twice in the past year due to multiple day binges, most of which I don’t remember. It does get progressively worse if not dealt with. Good for you for having the courage to post here. You’ll not be judged and find lots of support.