Girlfriend major alchohaulic, help!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 7
Girlfriend major alchohaulic, help!
I dont know where else to turn to right now so I will just get right in to it. Me and my girl are both 31, Three months ago a girl I have known for 18 years reached out to me after splitting with her husband of 5 years. What I did not know was she was a serious hard liquor drinking alchohaulic. We hit it off immediately bonding over every single thing and realizing we have been dancing around this all these years and now we finally took that step. Through the first month I nursed her and monitored any drinks she had, I always ended up staying up all night making sure she was ok, getting her water and food, making sure she took her medication(she has quite a few). until one day me and her family were able to convince her to go to detox, which she has been to twice before. When she got out it was like a new world opened up and everything was wonderful again, she was the girl I always knew, she was herself again and we had the most amazing month of our lives....until I realized her mother was also an addict and hid bottles around her house, my girlfriend suddenly asked to go home to get a few things from her moms which seemed strange at the time. Needless to say she went there to drink, I stupidly dropped her off and said I would be back, when I got back she was already drunk.
The next week or so was like that, her finding reasons to go to her moms alone to drink, until one day she got to a point where she told me and begged for drinks saying she started shaking again and needed just enough to stave them off. Yes what you assume at this point is right, she is now back to full addiction and I am not sleeping trying to look after her and keep her away from her mother for whom she is greatly codependent with. She has been in the na/aa world her whole life because of her mother's addiction so she is no stranger to recovery.
We are in the er right now because I refused to get her liquor and she had a panic attack and started vomiting which has happened before. This is the second time in three months we have been to the er. I am at my wits end cant sleep or eat. I love this girl so much and I cant seem to help her no matter what I do. I cant walk away but I feel like I'm doing more harm then good. Someone please help. Thank you.
The next week or so was like that, her finding reasons to go to her moms alone to drink, until one day she got to a point where she told me and begged for drinks saying she started shaking again and needed just enough to stave them off. Yes what you assume at this point is right, she is now back to full addiction and I am not sleeping trying to look after her and keep her away from her mother for whom she is greatly codependent with. She has been in the na/aa world her whole life because of her mother's addiction so she is no stranger to recovery.
We are in the er right now because I refused to get her liquor and she had a panic attack and started vomiting which has happened before. This is the second time in three months we have been to the er. I am at my wits end cant sleep or eat. I love this girl so much and I cant seem to help her no matter what I do. I cant walk away but I feel like I'm doing more harm then good. Someone please help. Thank you.
Last edited by Chrono105; 05-10-2018 at 03:43 PM. Reason: Add age
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welcome,chrono. im an ex drunk and can say on this:
I feel like I'm doing more harm then good.
you are absolutely right. youre helping dig her grave by being her nurse.
you say you cant walk away. im going to ask why but i have a feeling the answer will be something like
"she will die without me"
if thats the case, shes dieing WITH you.
it can be quite common to deny the red flags from the beginning, which is what im reading- allowing feelings/emotions to override the red flags.
there is probably some form of codependency issues on your part- people who are mentally and emotionally healthy and comfortable with who they are dont get into relationships like this. they turn and run.
there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to make her want to get and stay sober. the decision is hers to make and hers alone.
PLEASE visit the freinds and family forum here. its a great community with a LOT of people that have been in your shoes.
I feel like I'm doing more harm then good.
you are absolutely right. youre helping dig her grave by being her nurse.
you say you cant walk away. im going to ask why but i have a feeling the answer will be something like
"she will die without me"
if thats the case, shes dieing WITH you.
it can be quite common to deny the red flags from the beginning, which is what im reading- allowing feelings/emotions to override the red flags.
there is probably some form of codependency issues on your part- people who are mentally and emotionally healthy and comfortable with who they are dont get into relationships like this. they turn and run.
there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to make her want to get and stay sober. the decision is hers to make and hers alone.
PLEASE visit the freinds and family forum here. its a great community with a LOT of people that have been in your shoes.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
You can't control another's behavior, much as you might try. You'll wear yourself out for trying. 
Are you prepared for this to become your life? If you stay with her, it likely will be, and it will get worse.
You can't 'love her sober'. Are you willing to watch her destroy herself? That's what it comes down to.
Take a look at our friends and family forum. Lots of support there and lots of experience.
Are you prepared for this to become your life? If you stay with her, it likely will be, and it will get worse.
You can't 'love her sober'. Are you willing to watch her destroy herself?
That's what it comes down to.Take a look at our friends and family forum. Lots of support there and lots of experience.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Welcome to SR, Chrono; I am very sorry for what brings you here but am very glad you found us.
On thing that I have heard here when it comes to someone dealing with a ,over one on active addiction:
You didn't cause it, You can't fix it. You. You can't control it.
The addict MUST make the decision to be clean and sober for himself/herself.
Please think of yourself and the impact this could have on your life.
On thing that I have heard here when it comes to someone dealing with a ,over one on active addiction:
You didn't cause it, You can't fix it. You. You can't control it.
The addict MUST make the decision to be clean and sober for himself/herself.
Please think of yourself and the impact this could have on your life.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
I'm sorry for your situation.
Your girlfriend will have to make the decision to help herself. You cannot do that for her. For yourself, you might find support at AlAnon in your area. And, you will always find support here.
Your girlfriend will have to make the decision to help herself. You cannot do that for her. For yourself, you might find support at AlAnon in your area. And, you will always find support here.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
hi Chrono 
I'm sorry for what brings you here but you'll find a lot of support and wisdom here.
I'm not going to tell you to leave your gf - but if you stay you have to accept that, until she's ready to stop, she won't stop.
Unfortunately you can't love someone into recovery - many have tried.
Sometimes that love can be enabling to your loved one's addiction and might even be harming your gf in the long run - thats what TomSteve was alluding to.
https://www.verywellmind.com/enablin...-helping-63297
Sorry. I know it's a lot to take on board at once... but we're here to help you work through it all
welcome
D
I'm sorry for what brings you here but you'll find a lot of support and wisdom here.
I'm not going to tell you to leave your gf - but if you stay you have to accept that, until she's ready to stop, she won't stop.
Unfortunately you can't love someone into recovery - many have tried.
Sometimes that love can be enabling to your loved one's addiction and might even be harming your gf in the long run - thats what TomSteve was alluding to.
https://www.verywellmind.com/enablin...-helping-63297
Sorry. I know it's a lot to take on board at once... but we're here to help you work through it all
welcome
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Welcome to SR, Chrono; I am very sorry for what brings you here but am very glad you found us.
One thing that I have heard here when it comes to someone dealing with a loved one in active addiction:
You didn't cause it, You can't fix it. You. You can't control it.
The addict MUST make the decision to be clean and sober for himself/herself.
Please think of yourself and the impact this could have on your life.
******
Typos corrected. My apologies
One thing that I have heard here when it comes to someone dealing with a loved one in active addiction:
You didn't cause it, You can't fix it. You. You can't control it.
The addict MUST make the decision to be clean and sober for himself/herself.
Please think of yourself and the impact this could have on your life.
******
Typos corrected. My apologies
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Tough situation to see someone you love slowly dying. You must accept that you can't "fix" her. Only she can fix her. I would also go through the mental exercise of what life would be like without her, because you may have to walk away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by thomas11 
Tough situation to see someone you love slowly dying. You must accept that you can't "fix" her. Only she can fix her. I would also go through the mental exercise of what life would be like without her, because you may have to walk away.
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