lessgravity

Survived a wedding weekend in New Orleans.

Been sober now for 36 days.

Something about pushing through this weekend, not drinking, watching everyone imbibe, at airports, on swamp cruises, in taxis, at dinner on and on, must have stuck in my brain.

Feeling low. Craving a dink.

I'm not going to drink. But tired and annoyed with life - sick of thinking about drinking and alcohol all the f'ing time.

Will ride this out, but feeling pretty low.

Carry on sober friends.

No one is coming to save me.

REM700

I found this on another site and hope it's okay to share here:

Conversation with the Urge

*KNOCK – KNOCK*

ME: Who’s there?

VOICE: It’s me, your urge.

ME: Oh hai, Urge. C’mon in.

*Urge comes in and takes of its boots*

ME: What brings you to this part of the neighbourhood?

URGE: You’re stressed. I could sense it. So, I came to help you out.

ME: Oh yeah? How so?

URGE: I have a sales pitch for you.

ME: Oh great-

URGE: Hear me out now. I can help you relax, feel good, uninhibited, socialable and just an all-around better person.

ME: I’m listening. How can you do that?

URGE: All you have to do is come have a drink.

ME: But I’m trying to live up to a standard. And not using is part of that standard.

URGE: Just one drink man. It’s no big deal.

ME: That’s what you said last time.

URGE: It’ll be different this time. What are you? Some sort of kid? You can’t handle a single drink without going overboard? Of course you’re not. You’re completely in control of it. You can do it. I know you can. You’ve changed. Just do it to prove that you can do it. This way you’ll almost be like,helping your sobriety, you know what I mean?

ME: The best way to help my sobriety would be to not drink in the first place. Don’t you agree? I mean, you say I’ve changed, isn’t the whole reason I’ve been able to change because I’ve quit using? Wouldn’t having a drink be going backwards?

URGE: No it wouldn’t be going backwards because you’re not like that anymore. Don’t you see that? Don’t you realize that when someone changes for the better, that it’s written in stone, and there is no possible way they can go back?

ME: Don’t you realize that it’s very possible to go back, and every time I decide to use again, I put everything I’ve worked for at risk?

URGE: Oh that’s wishy-wash man. It’s true for them, but it’s not true for you. You’re a tough guy, you can handle it. You know you can. You’re not like the rest. You’re special.

ME: Well, I am a pretty tough dude.

URGE: Exactly! And a couple beers, just to relax, is no big deal. Not for a guy like you. I bet if you went out tonight you’d be the life of the party. There’s a pretty bartender just waiting for your attention.

ME: But what if I end up having more than I planned.

URGE: You won’t. One drink. One single drink.

ME: Ummm, I don’t know dude.

URGE: You can do it. And this will prove that you can.

ME: Promise?

URGE: I promise.

ME: Alright. I’ll do it. Just let me get my boots.

URGE: Nice! You’re back! Back and ready to have a good time. No more of this struggling bullcrap. No more of this stopping yourself from doing what you want to do. It’s time to let loose for once.

ME: Just one question though.

URGE: Sure ol’ pal. Go ahead.

ME: Well, you said you had a sales pitch right?

URGE: Right.

ME: And that you can offer me relaxation, uninhibitedness, socialness, etc. etc.

URGE: Some of those aren't actual words, but you betcha. You’ll get those by the barrel full.

ME: OK, but, since you’re giving that to me, what do I have to give to you?

URGE: Uh, whatcha mean friend?

ME: Well for every benefit there’s a cost. So what are the costs here?

URGE: Why don’t you let future-self worry about the costs?

ME: Because that’s not what a responsible adult does.

URGE: Did I mention that it’ll relax you?

ME: You did. But you forgot to mention that in order to relax for a few minutes I’ll have to either give up or put at risk my health, family, looks, reputation, money, time, productivity, goals, safety, sensibility, standards, belief in myself-

*urge checks its watch*

ME: -and I’ll end up feeling shame, guilt, hung-over, sick, tired, embarrassment and just generally like a bag-o-crap. Not to mention, everything you’re offering to me I can get without putting all those good things at risk, and without feeling shame, guilt, hung-over, sick, tired and embarrassed.

URGE: You don’t know that though. You don’t know that it’ll happen this time.

ME: But I know it happened almost every other time. And if I was a betting man, I would bet on the team that has a 99% chance of winning. Wouldn’t you?

URGE: Dude, that’s not you. That’s your inhibitions talking. You know what will fix that right?

ME: That’s OK! My inhibitions are a good thing. My inhibition comes from good judgement! What you want is for me to lose my good judgement!

URGE: That’s not what I sa-

ME: And you know what! It’s OK that I’m a lil’ stressed out right now. It’s OK that I’m not the most socialable person in the world at all times. It’s OK that I’m not the best person. I don’t need to be. I’m an adult, and I can handle it. I’m a real human being feeling real human feelings. And running from those emotions is childish response. It’s the definition of maladaptive.

URGE: Dude, you only live once. Live in the moment why don’t cha.

ME: You don’t want me to live in the moment. You want me to run from the moment.

*urge is stumped*

URGE: So uh… how’s Derek?

ME: Why?

URGE: Just wondering. You haven’t seen him in a while, eh? You should give ‘em a call. See if he wants to hang out. I’m sure he could use a friend.

ME: No I haven’t seen him for a while. But I hear he’s not doing too well.

URGE: Why not?

ME: Because he gives into his urges.

URGE: Boy is there egg on my face.

ME: What are you still doing here?

URGE: Sheesh. Well I can see when I’m not wanted. I’m leaving now.

ME: Yeah. And don’t forget your boots.

*Urge puts on his boots and heads out the door.*

ME: And tell Derek I said “Hi!”

URGE: Will do! I’ll be back.

ME: I know. I’ll be ready!
THE END

Mummyto2

Brilliant REM700

DreamCatcher17

I am glad you remained sober on your vacation.

Seeing people drink to this day just annoys me. Not because I can't drink or because I want a drink and am an alcoholic, but because I see absolutely no enjoyment out of drinking, no enjoyment in events that revolve around drinking, or being around people who drink.
The smell of alcohol bothers me, I think it is gross.

I like my sober bubble!

Rar

Hi Less. Glad you're back safely. I understand how you're feeling. I'm feeling exactly the same, just plain sick of this. I'm at 63 days and also been surrounded by alcohol and drinkers. I've read that these feelings come every so often and last for a couple or a few days. Then it gets better again. We have to wait them out and struggle through them. Maybe it's PAWS - don't know. One of the first posts I read during my early days was something like, "Even if you a$$ falls off, don't drink!" I wish you strength, Less.

dwtbd

I brooded over it too, for a time, I think that is a 'normal' emotional response, but the brooding faded quickly when I really understood the idea that it was an emotional response, not something to be feared or alarmed by, annoying as hell , yeah, but it was what it was.
Believe it or not , the brooding itself becomes so boring you jettison it.
If you have quit , full stop , no emotional response is going to change the fact that you are a nondrinker.

Snowydelrico

Well done on 36 days, you’re bossing it and don’t even know.

It does get tiresome thinking about it and keeping your guard up all the time.
Get some rest regroup and weather the storm.

You don’t have to think about it forever.
It’s just a big hangover from a massive drink fuelled party.

Your mind body and soul are singing your praises every minute you don’t drink.
You will become mighty.
You are already strong and powerful.

Chin up less’ your a good man.

lessgravity

Yeah I am just sick of thinking about it. Like anything, it's a mood and will pass.

Will ride it out.

No fun though.

And yes I know - "but is it better to be in the depths of your garbage state, chugging a pint of cheap vodka in the hours before work..." no it's not better.

But what can I say. Shtttty day. Burning building and all.

warrens

It gets better. And better. But it gets better quicker when you involve yourself in activity and surround yourself with others in recovery. AA worked (and still works) for me.

What works in AA for me is the connection and the experience of sharing both pain and joy. I drank alone, was depressed alone, and that became a self-reinforcing vortex. Consider replacing thinking with *doing.* There are millions of us sharing our mutual recovery and joy at our liberation from alcohol.

Stay the course...

warren

daredevil

glad you successfully got through the Big Easy (no small difficulty;-)

For what it's worth, I'm feeling the same existential malaise. Unlike what some others have said, I don't think it's got anything to do with recovery--or sobriety; the passing of time has got nothing to do with this (for me).

I've always had it--seems like you do too. I sympathize man.

entropy1964

Well huge kudos for making it through a very challenging situation. I have learned that I'm good at getting through known triggering situations (summer visits to my parents for example...the scene of all crimes in my childhood) and even big drinking situations. Its after the event is over. I'm home. Ironically that is when I fail. So I know I have to be vigilant. Good on you for posting how you are feeling.

The title of your thread made me think of how I often feel in recovery. Nobody gives a shlit that I'm sober. Nobody. They sure will notice when I'm not, however. And honestly? Sometimes that hurts. But I have to remind myself that just showing up sober for life is kind of a minimum expectation. Like wearing pants of something. So WE all know how huge it is. But THEY don't. Whatever.

It is huge. You did great. Your brain will change and grow and learn through this and it will get easier.

lessgravity

Elaborate why don't you DD.

I tend to agree. I think.

daredevil

I had this when I was teenager, had it in early adulthood, have it now, had it before and after being bit with alcoholism per se, and don't think time will make it any better. I can hit the punching bag, I can work out intensely, meditate all I want, practice mindfulness, watch movies, meet a friend--- all helps--just for a little bit; in the end, for me, banality and apathy are salient.

Stephan2018

Actually what you accomplished at a wedding weekend in New Orleans of all places is just AWESOME, and something to be really proud of. That must have been rough, but YOU DID IT! Hang in there right now. This will pass. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

lessgravity

Exactly my sentiments and exactly how I am.

I need to go FULL IN - so now that I'm back I need to get back into my ketosis diet, full on gym, hardcore at work, TM meditation etc.

Very similar to me - the wedding and all these wasted people trying to give me a drink was easy to power through.

It's the walk home tonight where I can sneak that 1/5 of vodka where I have to silent my beast.

golfreggie

Being abstinent, one day at a time, is but the beginning. To stay abstinent we must make progress on learning to live life on life's terms, sort of like "normal" people learn to do. We used to use alcohol or drugs, etc, as an escape, sometime we wrongly say "cope". Remove the substance, and the problems are still there for us. If we decide to go back to alcohol we must realize that our problems will still be there when we emerge from the effect of the booze. I advocate strongly for AA meetings, in person, face to face. Best wishes, I pray for your surrender.

wayforward

I'm glad you made it out alright, less. You seemed to know you'd be okay before you went, but you never know with these kinds of things.

I wonder if what's going on with your cravings/frustrations right now is part of some weird psychological reward system. You got through the "difficult" public event, so your subconscious craves a reward in private. Almost as if to "make up" for what you "lost." I don't know, the mind is an ever-elusive and occasionally self-sabotaging thing. The first few days after I relapsed, I thought "I don't think I've gotten the drinking out of my system yet." But it's like, what does that even mean? It's all psychological. You just stop and that's it. Pick it up and live your life.

I don't want sobriety to be my life's frame of reference, either. Just want to live life and have some strong tools developed whenever the urge arises.

lessgravity

Think you have something. But then again, if I was giving my self advice, I'd say not to analyze it at all. Just don't drink.

lessgravity

Could copy and paste that for myself.

I find though, that the urges are weaker and come less and I can objectify them more easily, when I am working out like a beast, training for something, cutting weight - it's an excuse not to drink in a way.

One of those days when my mind is mush and the urge is strong.

awuh1

Hi daredevil. You've gotten to one of the "causes and conditions" that afflicts so many of us with alcoholism. Some of us have found the the search for meaning to be an answer. That search is more difficult for some of us than it is for others but its a fundamental part of recovery for many.

Some have found relief from this sense of emptiness through what can only be described as a sense of the spiritual. I hope you are open to this possibility. It's been so essential to so many.

One thing is certain. There is nothing meaningful in a drink or a drug.