daredevil

I'm almost at 60 days (this weekend) and I feel afflicted--- almost daily-- despite implementing a comprehensive plan -- with this malady of the mind. I started going to the gym over a month ago -- regularly. I picked up a hobby that I makes me feel good, psychologically and physically. I go to AA meetings, SMART -- sometimes even Refuge Recovery. I journal. I write. A lot. And it is indeed cathartic. I watch comedies. And dramas. And I read quite a bit-- not only recovery-related books, but self-help books, fiction, non-fiction, etc. Lately my go-to book is a DBT essential skills manual: it's nearly 300 pages, filled with great exercises. I spend quite a bit of time in that workbook.
I recognize that these compulsions are just that: transient urges. And they pass, since succumbing to them is not an option. I guess succumbing to them is an option, but not a good one. In active addiction, I was existing, not living. I was enveloped in fear and self-loathing, constantly apprehensive and knew it had me. No reason to go back, as every day sober, even the ok ones, has been exponentially better than any day drunk. I am confounded how an inanimate object can create such mental strain. But in the end, I'm not going to drink. Not today at least; and I'll repeat that tomorrow. Nevertheless, I do not know what else I can do as far as a recovery plan. Even after a good workout, when a drink is the last thing that sounds good, it sounds good. I would say that I wish I could go back to being a normal drinker. I
know a pickle can never revert to a cucumber. But being a pickle isn't so bad. Not when I have no other choice. I like pickles. I also get that 2 months is relatively a drop in the bucket given the years imbibing. I hope that time mitigates these compulsions. They're psychological in nature but have physical manifestations. Whenever the thought of drinking has crossed my mind (before I nipped it in the bud) I feel my heart rate go up, I've felt excited to get a fix -- and this is just the thought of consuming. Potent and pernicious.

I have a SMART meeting tonight; I may air this notion out there.

lessgravity

Hit me right in the chest, this post.

Beautifully written. This ****is tough. Please keep posting, your insight and strength just gave me the same tonight. And I kind of needed it.

J50

I think it's important to keep in mind that everyone's recovery timeline is different depending on what/how much/how often you drank.

When you start reading about alcohol's effect on the brain, it puts into perspective the physiological changes that take place when you take it away.

In the meantime, it sounds like you are doing all the right things!

Babescake

I'm not quite at 2 months, but feel you. I still crave every day, which is weird because I never drank every day and when I didn't drink I didn't crave. Probably my mind knowing I'm not doing something it wants so it gets extra resistant. It sucks. It ******** SUCKS. But I hear it gets better in time. I will wait and see. I sure hope so.

Ihadmyfill

I have a year....it does get better, but it will never go completely away. My disease is waiting for any crack in my armor! Best wishes

least

I have over 8 yrs and tho the danger is always there, I have no desire at all to drink. The very idea makes me feel sick.

Two months is still early in recovery so don't expect to always feel this way. Things change and get better.

One thing I did to strengthen my recovery in the early days was to practice gratitude every day. Being grateful really saved my life.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0

Gottalife

Well, you could work the steps. Going to AA and not doing that is like joining a Gym and not working out. Meetings are not the AA program of recovery.

Nonsensical

That's because it doesn't.
My maladaptive appetite for alcohol came from me, not the alcohol.
The good news is that if I was causing it, then I could stop causing it.
I just had to learn how.

60 days is awesome.

shortstop81

I've been through early recovery more than once, and I remember often feeling like I'd "failed" if I had a craving to drink. I had some expectation that my cravings would go away as long as I was working a recovery program.

But honestly, the recovery program is what gives me the tools to handle cravings when they come. I get cravings still - but recognize them for what they are, and do the things I need to do to ride them out.

The awesome news is that you won't always feel like this.

Lindajean68

Oh man, I can just feel your struggle. I just want to say I'm thinking of you.

Ok and one more thing... Prayer has helped me tremendously. Mind you - when I started, I had no flippin' idea what or who I was praying to, what concept of a higher power I had, whether I even believed in a higher power. Truly. My prayers sometimes started with "I don't even know if I believe in you..." But my sense of connection with something bigger than me has developed over time....and has helped with the obsession more than I could ever have imagined.

Sending you good vibes.

entropy1964

I would say that I wish I could go back to being a normal drinker. I
know a pickle can never revert to a cucumber. But being a pickle isn't so bad. Not when I have no other choice. I like pickles.

This. This is a reservation....all nestled in your post about your plan. These reservations burrow like a tick. And they fester. And the more you entertain them, the larger they grow.

If my addiction is in large part a condition of perception and thought, then my thinking is at the center of my recovery. Any thought of drinking, of wishful thinking, need to be ferreted out and reversed, systematically. There is no normal drinking for me. Drinking destroys me and everything I love. That will never change.

AnvilheadII

I would say that I wish I could go back to being a normal drinker.
I feel my heart rate go up, I've felt excited to get a fix

IF you were magically transformed into a "normal" drinker, you would not get that rush, alcohol would not represent a FIX. it would be 6-8 ounces of a beverage that you may or may not finish during the course of a meal.

lessgravity

Exactly Anvil. And this is where so many of us trip up pretending we wish we could be "normal" drinkers. No we don't. If my AV wishes anything it's that I could be the most wasted piece of trash on skid row, feeding the emptiness with more and more booze. My AV doesn't want to leave a half finished glass of wine on the restaurant table - he wants to snatch every bottle from behind the bar, fill up a bathtub and drink till my eyes bleed.

SnazzyDresser

Hang in there, daredevil. I liked your original post, very expressive and right on the money. It's really tough at first, it felt like it took all I had in me and wanted more. But the desire to drink quieted down after awhile, for me at least. I was absolutely certain I was on the right track, that helped.

Zenna

I have only 17 days but I hear ya. The siren call of alcohol... luring us to get dashed to pieces on the rocks. I'm really struggling with this, although I'm not going to give in to it.

For me, alcohol is like a spell. I know it's of my own making, but it's like some sort of dark magic I got myself tangled up in.

As each day goes by and I feel the desire, the more I feel owned by alcohol. I wish I didn't have the desire, but at the same time it strengthens my resolve to never drink again. More and more, it's opening my eyes to the reality of what I've got myself into - and need to get myself out of.

It sounds like you have an awesome recovery plan. I don't know whether you can do more in terms of adding to it, but personally I think you - we - can do more in terms of doing it for longer. Staying with it and riding this out, however long it takes.

Congratulations on 60 days this weekend.

DontRemember

I was the same way at 60days.. It took me 3-5 months the 'level out' my mindset. In all honesty, at around the 8-9mo mark, I went out to a 'moving party' with the sole intention of getting trashed and that's exactly what I did. It's in my thread history here,as I came right back the next morning hating myself,again and posted about it. I'm over a year now(minus the one night) and hardly ever think about a drink anymore. If anything it's a fleeting 'thought' while eating out and think "damn..that ice cold beer that just walked by would taste great with this steak."...I know where that one beer takes me. It might not happen that night,but within a matter of weeks/months, my 'happy ass' will be holed up at home with some cheap ass vodka in my glass. I stick with waking up everyday,sober and doing actual FUN things with my life. Keep going! It gets better and easier.

daredevil

NS, that's perspicacious, Conn Smythe-worthy insight. I guess it isn't the bottle that causing the mental strain, it's an internal belief/thought/pattern of thinking that I need to rectify.

Gottalife, useful metaphor. Never occurred to me. I'm inclined to start reading the BB; I appreciate the reply.

pocketpanda

Thanks for posting this, Daredevil. At three days in it scares me, I wont lie about that. But it's helpful. I can be prepared for this if my journey takes a similar turn.

So thanks again.

DontRemember

Yeah..read the big book and then start writing books. I had to google that word. Hope you're feeling a bit better,but if you dive into and study the bigbook,I'm positive that'll give you a 'leg up' on your addiction. Take the steps and you'll knock it outta the park! I see you're kinda doing what I do with using all forms of recovery. Doing that really helped me finally get locked into sobriety. I always don't agree with one certain way of doing/thinking things and using smart,AA,here,ect.. have been HUGE in me getting 13-14 months behind me.