dixon99

hi everyone. I am new to this site. I'm not sure how or where to post. I'm looking for support and someone who can relate to me. I have been sober for 14 months, but it wasnt my choice. I've been drinking alcohol for over 20 years (in moderation and binge drinking...I also had a 2 year period where I didnt drink but was addicted to oxycodone and on suboxone). I enjoyed drinking and miss it. I had a medical scare (I'm fine) happen in my life and it lead to a serious of events that stopped me from drinking and smoking. And to be honest my life hasnt been the same since. I'm doing ok...but I was happy before. I was living life fully before. Ever since I "quit" my previous life...I just never have returned to that same level of motivation and happiness...I've delt with a lot of anxiety and some depression. Is there somewhere I can post to talk about this? I'm finding it very difficult to be motivated and interested in doing the things I did before, minus the drinking.

Fly N Buy

Welcome

Are you contemplating drinking again ? Do you believe you have a problem with alcohol?

These ran through my head over the years of start, stop rinse repeat. Yes and yes were the truthful answers. When I decided that the answer to the second question was alcoholic, it meant I really had to work on the first question.

You can post wherever you'd like. Glad you're here

dixon99

Hi and thank you for the welcome!

Yes I am strongly thinking about drinking again. I really have no health reason not to drink, my doctor cleared me. I was put on a medication last year that I'm not supposed to drink on...but I'm almost off that now (I've been weaning off for a few months). I dont think I'm an alcoholic but I dont really know. I could be...I binge drank 2 days a week and have been binge drinking for 22 years or so. I have some anxiety going back to drinking.

I guess I just dont know if I want to go back to that lifestyle again after 14 months. I have a wife and family, I dont want to lose that. My wife quit drinking so there's that also.

I just dont feel like myself not drinking. I dont know what it is. I struggle to find motivation to do things I used to enjoy. Or anything really. I'm going through the motions. Some of that is the drug I was put on...but not all of it I dont think.

tealily

Hi and welcome. We are glad you are here!

Have you ever spoken to your doctor about your emotional state and feelings? I know that, looking back, a lot of my drinking was actually self-medicating, for anxiety and depression. I thought that it "helped" me, but alcohol actually just makes both depression and anxiety far worse in the long run.

I guess I am suggesting that maybe you are not missing the alcohol as much as the "treatment" that it gave you, as unhealthy and unproductive and dangerous as it was. BUT There are far better ways to climb out of this and feel better.

In my opinion, starting drinking again will NOT help. It will just make everything worse. You may "forget your troubles" while you drink, feel euphoric (briefly) while you drink, but when the morning comes, literally and metaphorically, the anxiety and sadness will be exponentially worse.

Everything you 'think' you get from alcohol you can get in far more healthier ways. Throw yourself into an adventure. Create something. Start something new. Exercise vigorously. Rediscover old talents and joys.

Think about looking back on your life.. Would you ever imagine saying.. "Yes, I went through a rough time, when life felt empty, hopeless and sad, but I started drinking again, and that made all the difference!" It is not the route to fulfillment and happiness.

Maybe consider talking to your doctor or a therapist? There are medications that can help too.

Please keep posting. We'd like to help!

dixon99

Yes I have spoken with my doctor and therapist. Many times. Ive tried a few medications...last year I was put on an antipsychotic for some reason. The drug has been nothing but a problem and caused me anxiety and depression. Its taken me months to wean off it. I did try a couple other meds, but they didnt help at all. I'm currently taking a few natural supplements, suggested by my doctor, that help some. I'm not sure if there is a medication that helps. Its another thing that pushes me back towards alcohol - because that was affective in relieving any anxiety I had. I actually didnt have many issues with anxiety or depression in my life prior to quitting drinking/last year.

What you are saying is exactly what I want. I want to go back to the life I was living...minus the alcohol. I would like to have an occasional beer, maybe cut loose twice a year or something. But not go back to how I was living. I was living a fun fearless life for a long time...lots of adventures...live life to the fullest. I had my medical scare, quit drinking, got put on this horrible drug and its like my life stopped. Its frustrating ya know?

Maybe I will feel better when Im fully off this drug - but I'm on a super low dose now and have been for awhile so I dont think it is effecting me. I guess after 14 months, I thought I'd feel better/happier. Ive been kinda stuck in this rut.

I really do appreciate the help - thats why I decided to come here and post.

Dee74

Hi Dixon

Binge drinking is abnormal drinking - at best unhealthy and at worst self destructive and life threatening.

If you go back to that pattern there are no guarantees your health will continue to be excellent.

If you believe you won;t go back to that pattern, fair enough - just make sure you're not confusing abstinence (enforced abstinence in your case) with control.

They are not the same thing. I believe completely that if I drank again now, after 10 years sobriety, I wouldn't have any more control over my drinking than I had in 2007

I have a great life without alcohol.
What do you feel alcohol will give you that you don't have now?

D

dixon99

I don't know Dee. I've been asking myself that question a lot. I know my life is different now...Im trying to figure out how and what s different. I hate just going through the motions. I never lived my life this way.

I want to believe the medication I'm on had been causing the flat feelings and depression. it could be. but I am almost off of it. so I'm not sure if it would still be affecting me that way.

drinking has been apart of my life so long...and when I was drinking, I functioned fine. my life was fun.

what you say is true...if I go back, my health could and likely will take a turn. I don't want that. I guess I just figured after 14 months sober...my life would be in a different place. I wouldnt lack the motivation and passion for life. the truth is I really don't want to go back to binge drinking and I don't know that I wouldn't. I'd like to think I wouldn't. I want the life back that I had without the drinking but I can't seem to find the motivation to do that without being completely free to drink and do whatever I wanted. it sucks.

Dee74

I think there's a difference bewtween recovery and enforceD sobnroety quite honestly.

I was emotionally flat for about 3 months after I quit. I was just about to resign myself to that as the price I had to pay for not drinking...but things got a lot better after 90 days.

I started to build a sober life I loved..a life I didn't want to escape from.

Maybe thats a starting point? think about where you want to be and how you might get there without returning to drinking?

D

dixon99

I am going to think about that...thats a good question! Where I want to be and how I'm going to get there. Basically picture what I want to be without drinking. Make it a "real" image in my mind.

I'm going to try that. I'm always picturing myself as I used to be - the whole picture including drinking. Never seeing a new image.