SiameseDream

Hello,

Could somebody here objectively tell me whether I have a problem with alcohol or not? My husband thinks I do. The rest of my family and friends do not. I am very conflicted.
I do not drink daily, or even weekly. Most of the time I am able to stick to a reasonable amount of alcohol and stop. I can go months (up to a year in many cases) without having an episode. When I have an episode I begin drinking and can’t seen to stop. I get completely drunk.
The last time was Monday. I got so drunk that I vomited all over myself in public. The time before that was a few weeks before Christmas. The time before that was about 10 months ago.
Whenever these episodes have happened in the past I have promised my husband faithfully that I would stick to 2-3 drinks but that invariably goes out the window when this happens. It’s not that I set out to get drunk at all. I don’t know what changes it’s like a switch is triggered in my brain and I just can’t stop.

My husband has now pretty much given me an ultimatum, stop drinking all together or he divorces me. My father and friends think he’s making way too much of this and everybody gets drunk and makes an idiot of themselves sometimes. My husband does not get drunk. He drinks everyday (2-3 beers) but never gets out of hand. He does not like it when anybody else gets drunk. I am very conflicted, obviously if it’s a choice between giving up alcohol for good and getting a divorce then I will choose the former. I just don’t know if it’s reasonable for him to ask that of me considering the circumstances. I don’t crave alcohol and can’t quite happily go without it for a long time.
I am not looking for anybody to make these episodes ok. They’re not. I just want an outside perspective.

Thank You.

tomsteve

welcome.
Do I really have a problem?
i think you answered that for yourself at the end:
I am not looking for anybody to make these episodes ok. They’re not

dwtbd

Your father and friends are wrong. Billions of people on the planet do not get drunk, let alone make fools of themselves while doing it.

There is a way for you to guarantee that you never do that to yourself again, don't drink.

Luckily you do not crave alcohol and you can be happy without it.

Learning about AVRT ( great threads on these ideas here on SR in the Secular Connections forum) helped me to understand it is more than possible to be abstinent and comfortable with residual desire.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR SiameseDream. You'll really need to answer this question for yourself, but by most definitions - the loss of control of your drinking = alcoholism/addiction. The frequency isn't really all that important - but it sounds like when you drink it causes you a lot of problems. It sounds like it's causing a lot of problems for people around you too.

I think this statement you made pretty much says it all to be honest.

"When I have an episode I begin drinking and can’t seen to stop. I get completely drunk."

biminiblue

The "switch flip" thing you describe is pretty textbook for addiction.

That is the reason why I quit drinking completely. I could never be sure just how much I was going to drink after that first one and I feared something bad would happen if I continued on that way.

In your deepest quietest moments, do you think it's a problem? It won't just go away and there is no controlling it. If you are one of us, it's going to get worse. Those episodes will become more frequent.

Not only that, sobriety is beautiful. I hope you'll try it.

doggonecarl

What are the circumstances that make his request unreasonable?

Anna

I think it's important to know that alcoholism is not about how often you drink or even how much. It's about what happens to you when you drink. As you said, once you start drinking, you can't stop.

DreamCatcher17

Welcome,
Alcoholism is self-diagnosis, so I am unable to answer that for you. It can also be progressive, as the episodes can happen more frequently.

From what you wrote, it sounds like possibly your husband is embarrassed by your actions. I don't like to speculate, but that is what I gathered from your thread.

If you think alcohol is an issue for you and you don't like the fact that you can't stop when you start drinking, maybe back off.

I know people who are not alcoholics and sometimes black out for bits of the evening. This is a rare occasion for them. - I would not say they are an alcoholic nor would they. I don't think because someone blacks out it makes them an alcoholic either. -I have to edit to say, if someone is blacking out all the time, yes there is more than likely a problem. If someone rarely blacks out then I don't see that as alcoholism... IN MY OPINION

I think you need to make the decision for yourself. I will say I tried to stop drinking for other people, and it didn't work. I had resentments towards that person for putting the ultimatum out there for me, so I continued to drink until I no longer wanted to drink because I wasn't liking who I was becoming. So, I stopped for myself #1 my son was # 2 and the person who asked me to stop years ago was #3 as I didn't do this for him.

Best of luck on your soul searching,
DC

AnvilheadII

The last time was Monday. I got so drunk that I vomited all over myself in public.

seems like this alone would be a good reason to stop??? taking alcohol out of the equation assures incidents like this NEVER happen again.

if the thought of never drinking again causes you distress and angst, it's likely your "relationship" with alcohol is skewed.

BlownOne

What you're experiencing when you drink some refer to as 'the phenomenon of craving'. In other words, once the alcohol enters your body, you have great difficulty stopping until your gage says full. There are plenty of people like me in the world who didn't drink every day, but when they did drink, simply could not stop until they were as drunk as their bodies would allow. Or, if they were forced to stop before they were as drunk as they wanted to get, would be irritable and cranky and resentful. It's not about how often you drink, as much as it is what happens when you do.

LBrain

This is not a realistic similarity, but there are known serial killers who killed only once a year.

Aside from the absurdity of what I just wrote, if some random stranger had written this (your post) and you read it, how would you respond?

Call it denial, delusional, or however else you wish to say it, failure to see ourselves as we really are is the biggest roadblock to taking corrective action.

noturningback2

hmmm well, i know of alot people that don't drink often and then binge drink and wake up the next day feeling terrible and not remembering it all etc. My social media is pretty much filled with this every weekend, i wouldn't say they all have a problem with alcohol, especially in the UK as this seems to be commonplace. But after quitting drinking and your blinkers are off to the damage of alcohol, you do realise this isn't exactly normal either. i really don't know anyone that drinks responsibly at all times, and that's not just the company i kept, that's across the board including family. But should we rate and define our behaviour as ok just because someone else is 'worse'?

This clearly is something your husband isn't willing to tolerate, no matter how infrequent, and it does sound like he finds it embarrassing. My husband referred to seeing me in a drunk state as 'digusting'. Luckily it was always in private, so i didn't embarrass him anywhere, otherwise i think he would have left me there and then without question.

I also promised to never overdo it, but i always did, the times i could control it got fewer and fewer, until i had no control at all ever, and then i became angry at him for trying to control me and telling me to stop drinking. What i actually meant was, 'leave me and my booze alone'. So i guess I'm saying i started out as what you are saying right here today.

So do you have a problem? Only you can answer that, but i would say if you drinking is now unacceptable to your husband, then there is an issue no matter what, perhaps he is seeing something you cannot? If i could go back and stop when i was first told that i couldn't control my drinking, i would have spared myself an awful lot of heartache and mental health issues. Some people just aren't designed to drink, i am one of them, maybe you are too?

Perhaps your husband is sensitive regarding the drinking, but if i was to vomit all over myself in public infront of our friends, he would be giving me an ultimatum too. He also asked me, would i accept that behaviour of him?? Worth thinking about.

2ndhandrose

"I don’t know what changes it’s like a switch is triggered in my brain and I just can’t stop."

It was like this for me every time I drank. My off switch is broke.

Maybe this doesn't happen to you every time you drink - yet.

IMHO, a faulty off switch doesn't fix itself, it just ends up broken.

I hope you stick around and do some reading.

SiameseDream

Thank you for your replies. I think my main area of confusion was that I can quite happy drink in moderation most of the time. The ‘switch’ that gets flipped when I get completely drunk doesn’t happen very often. I figured that if I truly was a binge drinker it would happen every time, surely?
I don’t know why I can be ok most of the time but still have these episodes. If I can control it then, why not all the time?
My only hesitation as far as stopping drinking is the fact that I’m very shy in social situations, honestly I’m am introvert and come off as totally awkward and boring (in my opinion) unless I’ve had a drink. Only then does my personality come out I’m able to be ‘me’ in front of strangers.
As far as drinking at home, I have no issue with not doing that at all. I really don’t care. The other thing is I don’t really think my husband WANTS me to quit drinking all together, because he wants somebody to drink with and me not drinking makes him feel bad about the fact he drinks every day. There have been times in the past when I’ve had long periods of not drinking for no real reason than for health reasons, or weight loss etc and he’s actively encouraged me to drink.
After he gave me this ultimatum he said ‘or maybe you’ll just have to stick to one.’ So I don’t really think he wants me to quit completely at all. He just wants me to not have the episodes, but it would appear I’m not able to, so the only answer IS abstinence, in that case.
What an idiot I am. I’m so depressed and upset. I am 39 years old and act like a 19 year old when I do this. 😪

FreeOwl

Nobody will be able to tell you whether you have a problem with alcohol but you.

If you think you do, then you do.

Maybe a more important question is:

"Do YOU believe that your relationship with alcohol is serving your best interest and supportive of the life you most truly wish to live?"

Problem or not - if the answer is no.... then maybe it's not a relationship you wish to continue.

biminiblue

You have to make the decision YOURSELF about YOUR drinking.

Your husband will adjust.

This is the bottom line:

You're not an idiot, it's just something that happens with some people and alcohol. Quit and all this goes away.

Mizzuno

Only you can decide if you are alcoholic.

Getting honest with yourself in this situation and coming to terms with what alcohol does to you is going to make or break this situation. Your husband may see something that you may not be able to see at this point in time.

noturningback2

i would say i would be getting very mixed and confusing messages from your husband, with him being ok, then not, then wanting you to drink, then angry when you go too far. when actually, it seems like he is more likely to be using alcohol as a crux for something, if he cant give up his beers of a night and wants you to drink so he is not drinking alone. i would have found that confusing.

ljc267

Like others have said, No one can tell you whether or not you are an alcoholic.

Alcoholics come in all shapes and sizes. I, for example, drank a 12 pack a day, and never made an ass out of myself. I never threw up from drinking, but I had a pretty severe addiction to alcohol. I can't drink normally.

You, on the other hand, are a binge drinker. I personally don't understand this type of drinking, because it was not how I drank.

To me, if alcohol is causing problems in your life it does not matter if you define yourself as an alcoholic or not.

If every time you drank milk, you threw up and did things you were ashamed of, would you continue to drink milk?

ScottFromWI

That's the eternal/holy grail question we've all asked ourselves - why we can't control our drinking.

I remember one time about 8 or 9 years ago when I was a daily drinker, but still hadn't crossed over into everyday full on binge drinking. I went out with some friends from a previous job for "a few drinks". Of course that ended up very poorly - I'll spare the details but it was a very, very bad night. As a result, the next day I actually called our work employee assistance hotline and asked to speak so someone about alcohol issues. A few days later I had a phone conference with our in-house contracted counselor. His suggestion to me was that take the next 30 days and drink every day - but only drink one drink. I was actually pretty happy about that suggestion and I made it through no problem - but of course by the next week I was back up to 3/4/5 per day on a regular day and lots and lots on other days.

The thing I have learned from personal experience, as well as the vast majority of what I read about others in recovery, is that once the "switch" gets flipped - you can never go back. It may not happen every time you drink, but as things progress it starts happening more and more often, with worse and worse consequences each time.