4thegirls

Hello all. I'm a first monther, still having slip ups but making my way out of almost 18 years of trauma-related drinking. 10 years ago I stopped the drinking I had started years before when my marriage turned bad from my alcoholic husband. I started drinking again with the first man I dated after our divorce, a public official. Very long story short, after almost a year of happiness be began raping me and emotionally abusing me in the extreme. He also forced me to drink straight vodka before his assaults. I left him but he lied about having cancer to get me to return. This led to a violent sexual assault and physical battery which left me with bruises and lacerations all over my body. Police did nothing. He intimidated and threatened me, warning that my children and I would be harmed if I pressed charges. He also took a disposable camera containing photographs of my body. The rapes and batteries went on for five more months, with numerous police responses but no arrest. After I finally left I discovered he had maintained numerous "exclusive" relationships the entire time we were together and that his family all enabled him in this. Last year I realized that this situation had resulted in complex PTSD not only in myself but in my now fifteen year old daughter, who was not only rejected by this man at 8 years old, but this man also told his foster child to punch and kick her if he saw her at school. The school did nothing about it either. My daughter also began coming home sick from school at age 6, but I didnt know why. I only found out last year that she was telling the nurse "I have to go home and protect Mommy. ---hurts Mommy." I had to take her out of school last year indefinitely with severe anxiety and depression.

I decided to put my fear behind me and bring a lawsuit against this man and against the city and county and schools for failing to intervene. They all ignored my claims. I have tried to get an attorney but no one will represent me because of "conflict of interest." I have written to reporters, women's advocates etc but no one wants to touch the situation.

I now have an opportunity to speak at a press conference on Monday before a House hearing at our state capitol on sexual harassment and discrimination. I will have an opportunity to tell my story, all of it, names included, of his crimes and all the authorities who covered them up.

I'm going to do it. I'm terrified and scared he will sue me for defamation, but I have police reports, evidence, police photographs, and witnesses to back me up.

How do I perform an act of this kind of courage without drinking when I've needed a drink to give a history lecture, host a party or other totally mundane things? Any tips for getting through this?

On top of this I also discovered two weeks ago that my brother convinced my 90 year old mother to write me out of her trust and is going to sell her house, where my daughters and I were going to live after her passing and which is our longtime family home and very dear to us. So I really feel like on top of my half brother dying last month, when I never got a chance to know him, my brother and mom are not really my family anymore. It's a lot of emotion right now and I'm not sure how to get through.

miko67

Keep on here, take it a day at a time. Things will be the way they're suppose to be at the end if it.

Some rough stuff for sure, but a drink won't solve it.

Hope you keep the faith n stay strong.

Unsteady

I’m so sorry to hear that all this has happened to you. And I’m very proud that you have the courage to stand up to your abuser. Have faith and know that there are people here who want to see you succeed and stay happy healthy and sober. Good luck and god bless

Dee74

I'm proud of you too - this is a very brave thing you're doing.
Someone once said courage is feeling fear and doing it anyway.

However much the fear, drinking would be like beating yourself up . It would be like letting your abuser win.

You can do this - sober. We're all behind you

as for your brother - get a lawyer.
D

Anna

Of course you are afraid, but you are strong enough and brave enough to do this.

You have been through so much and this is an opportunity to speak your truth and to give courage to other women in abusive situations.

Gilmer

I am praying for your strength, calm, and fortitude in the tremendous challenges you are facing. I truly admire you.

GirlScreaming

Alcohol will only weaken you. It will not give you the courage you need to do this.
Write out a plan. Talk with a therapist. Practice what you're going to say. Don't let this man or alcohol steal another second of you or your daughter`s life.

I'm sorry to hear about the house. Perhaps talking more with your brother might help? One minute at a time. Stay on the boards here and stay sober. You'll be all the better for it.

VikingGF

I'm sorry for all you have been through. As hard as this is, know you are doing it for yourself and your daughter, and yes, you can do it sober. Sobriety gives us strength, clarity and validation.

We are all here for you.

ProfessorD

Wow, your story is so powerful. My hear goes out to you and you daughter. What courage and strength it must take to do all you have done and to agree to speak out on something so traumatizing.

Here's my two cents: You do not need alcohol to find the courage. The courage comes from inside of you. When your abuser made you drink vodka, he did so to make you small, passive, and weak. That's what alcohol does; it numbs you. The same reason he had to do that to you is the same reason that you do not have to do it to yourself. Treat yourself with love. Speak for yourself, your daughter, and any other women trapped in domestic violence. xoxo

scottynz

You are a person of such courage and strength and have been through so much. I believe you will find the strength and grace to tell your story sober and in doing so will be helping many others. You do not need alcohol to tell your truth, indeed it was part of the abuse you suffered and you are walking away from that.

Have some clear talking points written down, pause when you need to, have some water on hand to take a sip if you need a moment. It is ok to be nervous and to tell the people you are speaking to that you are, this isn’t a performance. You have been through so much - you’ve got this and we are here to listen and support you.

Do you have support from any domestic violence groups, it might really help to have a support person with you?

TYG2

I second the motion. Drinking now would be akin to that saying about taking the poison yourself in order to kill the intended victim. Does that make sense? I'm so praying hard for you.
P.S.my brother threatened me in the same way. he just wants his SOBER sister back, me thinks.

Meraviglioso

Your story is so tragic an horrible, no one should have to go through that. It moved me to my core. But one other feeling I felt while reading it was "good, God, this woman is STRONG and AMAZING" You have gone through so much yet you keep fighting for what is right. So many others would have given up long ago, I feel certain I would have. You have kept going and now is your moment. Who knows what will happen, but at least you DID it. You are amazingly strong and courageous and I tip my hat to you, seriously, major respect.
As for the drinking, oh god, that is so difficult because the truth is a lot of us here can understand that desire to have something to curb the nerves. But you are working for your sobriety for you. To be a better, healthier person and to be there for your daughter. Drinking would definitely be one more way to give in to this monster who has already harmed you enough. Even if you were able to drink just a little, to take the edge off, and not be drunk but speak clearly and well, it would be a personal loss of giving into him. You don't need alcohol to face this. Look at all you have already done. You can do anything.
I am so proud of you and I really hope you check back and and let us know how it goes. We are all rooting for you.

4thegirls

Wow. So many of you pointed out that drinking is really just letting him continue to abuse me, doing his job for him ! This has really helped me think clearly about this. Thank you all. I did slip up last night but i poured out the rest afywr i realozed hpw foolish I was being. But not before I drank enough to have a righteous hangover and no sleep. Now I have to go give a four hour bus tour in this condition. I'm better than this! I'm going to try take this my 6th and final first day for class of January 2018.