MysticSpiraling

This is not my first time in recovery, and I was sober for about 2 1/2 years. I started having the occasional binge drinking nights in secret shortly before I split with my ex over a year ago and then went balls to the wall with my drinking again.
I lost my dad March 31st, less than 12 hours before I'd be on a flight home to see him. I found all the opiates he hadn't been taking and spent 4 months strung out daily on those. I ran out of pills and went back to constant drinking. Shots at work to get through the day, drinking heavily at night, wake up and repeat. Had a week long bender with crystal - and I hadn't touched it in YEARS. I'm waking up with horrible anxiety, shaky with brain fog.
I want to quit, but I hate riding out this part of cold turkey quitting. I hate these cravings because all I can think of is having a drink, here at work, when I get home.
On top of the alcoholism, I struggle with bipolar and I know that's part of the reason I'm so up, down and irritable. I have so much going on in my life between handling my dad's estate, having a couple major injuries last year so crazy medical bills, and spending so much on alcohol means I'm drowning even more in debt. It just feels impossible right now.
I don't know what I'm looking for from this novel of a post, but I just had to vent. I'm only 14 hours in and I know it's 'one day at a time' but this one day feels like eternity.

julietUK

Hi Mystic. So sorry you feel like this, but as you know from experience it will pass. Can you try and focus on the 2 and half years you had sober. How good it was. I am only on day 6 and its lousy, I have also been here a number of times. Just keep posting on here and checking in every day. Take care. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Forward12

Welcome back. That does sound like a hell of a situation, but of course drugs and alcohol will do nothing but make it worse.
Google "Addiction treatment" and you will be surprised with how many centers are available for you to get in touch with. Even good ol' AA.
Dump the booze, flush the drugs, and do the right thing. We've got you

Dee74

Welcome mysticspiralling

As crappy as withdrawal is I think the only way to deal with it is get trough it. You'll feel much better on the other side. Support helps too and you'll find a lot of that here

D

Gottalife

Things sound hopeless right now. In my experience these were exactly the right circumstances in which to stage a full and permanent recovery.

I found myself sitting in a pile of wreckage. No friends, no money, no job, no home, no family, no prospects. All gone. No hope anywhere. Just stuck in a morass of self pity.

I called AA and spent an afternoon with one man, a recovered alcoholic. At last, someone who understood. That night he took me to a meeting. Over the next few weeks he looked after me until I found a sponsor and got solidly into the program.

From a hopeless almost ceritifiable lunatic (I never quite got the certificate) grew a man with a future, who felt good about the world, who recovered many of the lost opportunties and went on to lead a life so much better than anything he could have imagined. And someone with something to contribute to the world.

I agree time really drags in the early days. I relapsed after 3 weeks, and could see no way I could ever get 3 weeks sobriety again. That's 21 whole days! - One day at a time - and I didn't count the days because I didn't think it would work for me.

Now I can say the first 30 days seem longer than the first 30 years.

Maybe you have reached the same turning point. For me it came down to a simple choice. Carry on down the old path blotting out the intolerable nature of my situation as best I could, or accept spiritual help. "This we did because we honestly wanted to and were willing to make the effort"

I honestly wanted to and was willing to make the effort. How about you?

MysticSpiraling

No booze in the house, and the only pills left are the ones I take for my medication. Got rid of pipes too, so my clean and that makes it easier.

I do need to look into some sort of group. I've been to AA, and I may go just for some basic support, but I don't love be set up for what they expect of you and feel like for me it didn't help as much in my recovery as I wanted it to because it was more about drinking past, than recovery in the future. I know it works great for some though. I just want other options, and I think I'll look those up today.

MysticSpiraling

I think that the beginning is always the hardest.. I've done withdrawals for a couple substances and it's so different for every one. I hate the brain fog that comes with the alcohol and I'm so tired. But I know that having a drink won't help that.

MysticSpiraling

I'm broke because of my drinking ehich means I'm barely paying bills, and it's wrecking my relationship. I've pulled away from friends and worried my job will be in jeopardy. I know I have to quit. I've tried cutting back, moderation... I can't do those things. I know at this point it's continue killing myself or complete sobriety. Scares me but I see how necessary it is. I want my good life back.