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Day 3 - Resentment

Old 01-10-2018, 06:19 AM
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Day 3 - Resentment

Hi,

Even though last night was really tough I made it and didn't drink. I am so angry today though and it makes me want to drink. Not about drinking but I am pissed at my husband and my work situation. Today I have meetings at 9, 10, 11, 12, 1, 2 and 3. I asked my husband if he could pick our daughter up at 3:30 from school and he said he can't because he has a 1 hr meeting at 2. My job is incredibly busy. I can't even take a lunch at all because there is so much on my plate at work and I have been here 27 years,

I think I often drink out of anger and resentment. I wish I could get a divorce sometimes. But my reaction is to want to drink and escape.

I'd like to be done with my job but I am in a niche where jobs are difficult to find, especially right now because I work in an area that is underfunded and jobs are scarce, especially in the USA.

I'd like to be done with my husband but the thought of divorce is exhausting and overwhelming.

I am sorry to vent. I know other people have it FAR worse than I do.
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Old 01-10-2018, 06:32 AM
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Sorry to hear you are having to deal with this chowchow! If he has a meeting at 2:00 maybe if it ends at 3:00 he could be there to get her. Is there anyway she can stay after school for a bit? Like an after school program that could help out for the day?
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Old 01-10-2018, 06:44 AM
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I could see peace instead of this
 
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My feelings were all over the place in early sobriety, and at times it seemed like everything was going wrong all at once. I just wanted to run away from it all and drinking was the easiest way I had to do just that.

Since that wasn't an option anymore, creating more misery than it was worth, I often just had to ride those feelings out and do whatever else I could to try and ease the stress. The longer I stayed sober, (and for me, using the AA program in my life), the better I became at coping as I learned new ways to take care of me.

For me, in working my recovery plan, this stage eventually passed and my feelings generally smoothed out for the most part.
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Old 01-10-2018, 07:41 AM
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Vent away! It helps!

There are days I want to throat punch my husband - figuratively and literally, there are days I know for an absolute fact, I couldn't be me, do my life without his help.

My life training, if you will is to always answer quickly and decisively, my husband is an engineer, he thinks twice, answers once. I have an answer in seconds, he takes minutes, I have no patience or time for minutes, LOL.

My drinking became an issue between my husband and I and at first, there was resentment, because now I was facing things sober, that I had previously drank to forget. I felt like he asked too much of me. Then I really thought about it, could he do my life? Could he live that regimented, with every second of the day planned, manage three kids schedules, run my companies, run my charity, look after my animals, no he couldn't and I doubt he has any idea what it takes, or how tired I was, or how I just didn't feel right at first, I had stomach problems, I was emotionally drained, there were times in early sobriety, one more thing, one more minute of the day wasted and I would lose my freaking mind. Still it was better than when I was drinking

His schedule, could I live it, probably, it would be a freaking vacation LOL, except I'd have to wear steel toed boots and they don't make them in heels - at least that I can find and I get tired wearing them, even if they are not steel anymore but some sort of light composite. How that man does not go mad with my narcissism, my insulated vortex that only I know what is going on and everyone else is expected to fall into line with - no I couldn't do his life.

The longer I have stayed sober, the more sorry I feel for what I put him through. The walls had to come down, conversations had to be had, like I have this, this, this, this week, I need to accomplish these additional things, I need help. Here is what I can do, here is what I need help with. Those were the hardest conversations to have, you see, my husband is/was afraid of me and with good reason, the joke was, once his parents stayed with us and brought in the mail, they handed it to him. I laughed, WTF is he going to do with that, I took it from him, laughing, probably emasculated him a bit, but the truth was, he never opened any mail, I did. I knew when bills were due, I knew what things cost, I bought the cars, I bought the houses, I did all the investing, he was along for a ride. Sober me needs him as a partner and he has a lot of catching up to do, a decades worth to be honest. I don't know how I did it all drinking, it got done, but not as well as I do it sober and not nearly as well, as once I asked for help. He's learning, I will probably have to tell him what colour bodysuit and skirt the girls need for ballet on Saturday, or how much money goes in the church envelope.

He is the reason I get to live my life the way I do, but I had to let him in. I had to let him know, I could be vulnerable, that I was capable of feeling emotions, and most important, that I needed help. We'll work on the questions that take more than a minute to answer, the vortex is slowing down, the walls are coming down.

Man, I despised him at first, I resented his lack of responsibilities compared to mine, I hated he couldn't do something as simple as know the date the phone bill came out, or the hydro bill - but I never told him. Now he knows, he also knows that for some strange reason I paid the hydro bill 3 times in December LOL - A credit never hurt anyone... We have insulated ourselves for so long, it is hard at first to ask for help, I figured as long as I kept all my responsibilities going, kept working my arse off, that I could keep drinking. I was so wrong. We haven't fought about my time management in 11 weeks, nothing has changed as far as demands, but being sober and present, asking for help - that sure has!
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Old 01-10-2018, 08:23 AM
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Mylittleyhorsie - those are all good points. We also have a lot of animals, including horses, and that's a lot of work too but that's one thing I truly love and to give them up is something I can't even consider even though my husband complains about them incessantly.
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Old 01-10-2018, 08:50 AM
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Originally Posted by chowchow View Post
Mylittleyhorsie - those are all good points. We also have a lot of animals, including horses, and that's a lot of work too but that's one thing I truly love and to give them up is something I can't even consider even though my husband complains about them incessantly.
I get sent to the barn when I get too cranky LOL. I have a beautiful little pinto gelding, who was gelded way too late I go hug him when I am upset or overwhelmed. Funny thing, we bought three new horses in December, a herd disbursement. The youngest mare is a little fireball, red head, she kicked me once, she took off once and I chased her around the manure pile, after that, her and I had a fight in the barn and then I lunged her until she dropped - I find the longer I get sober, the better she behaves. She has become almost like a mirror for me. She was actually giving kisses last night! We have horses that work in therapy, I have joked she won't make it until about 40, but she has really surprised me lately. The day we had our come to Jesus, I was alone with the horses, about 6 weeks sober and made a stupid mistake with a new, green horse (her), I let my hand slip leading her to a paddock. It was one of those, poor me, nobody understands days. Which after you have dealt with the panic of a loose horse, no help and getting kicked is just made so much better... I had a good cry when all was said and done, alone. I wouldn't give my horses or dogs or cat up for the world, they do something good for my soul
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