Boyfriend chooses friends and drinking over me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 1
Boyfriend chooses friends and drinking over me.
Hello there!
I was just reading the previous posts and replies and encouraged me to write a little about myself.
My significant other is a high functioning alcoholic, him and I have been together for almost 7 years. We met when I was 20 and he was 32. He has 2 kids; one is 17 now and the other 10, when i met him his little boy was 3 1/2 years old, he was the most adorable little thing I've ever seen, his oldest was 10 but a very wise well spoken kid. My BF and his ex wife share custody of the kids and they come over his house on Friday and leave Sunday night.
When we met he treated me well, opening the car door for me, taking me out to eat, taking me and the kids to places, going out on dates, cooking for me, watching movies at home, etc, etc. He was very good in the start and as we started getting more comfortable with each other i noticed that he ditched me more and more every time. sometimes we were supposed to meet up and he'll cancel because he was with his friends, or we were watching a movie at home and his friends texted him and he will tell them to come over to have a few beers and when they arrived he will tell me that we will continue the movie later and just open the garage and spend from 4 to 12 hours drinking. At times he also said we were going to eat, and he'll say I'll be home at 7pm and he will end up being home until 9pm or 10pm expecting me to be ok with us going out that late. I didn't know how much he drank when we met, I started realizing it until he did it more and more and more at his house or friend's houses.
The kids and I had grown closer, i liked them and they liked me, we played, we talked, i cooked for them, wiped the 3 1/2 years old boy and showered him, i literally took care of them like a real mom would; when he saw that I started becoming closer to them instead of joining in and try to become a family he excluded himself out of his kids responsibility and used that time to drink with his friends, go out late at night and come back until about 3 or 4 in the morning. A few months into the relationship I was already tired of the situation, i wanted to walk away and never come back, but as that thought crossed my mind I came to realize that this 2 children have been dealing with this situation since they were born and they needed me there, i was the only one who could understand what they were feeling, they told me they hated to see their dad drink and that they wanted him to spend time with them, that they couldn't understand why he couldn't be more involved when they were over, they wanted to understand why he couldn't just drink the days that they were at his mom's house and dedicate his time to them when they had to be at home with him.
When I told him how his kids felt about his drinking he got upset, he told me not to get involved and that they had to suck it up because that's the life he had to offer them.
We had arguments multiple times over me telling him that he should stop drinking that much for his kids and for me, he told me I should just leave, that i was too good for him, that i made him upset with anything I said, that everything that came out of my mouth was always so rude, if I cried he told me to stop acting like a victim, he always used anything i said as an excuse to be upset with me and be able to leave the house, leave me with his kids and go enjoy his drinking with his friends, he usually said that I am with him because i want to, that i can leave any time and he'll not stop me. We grew apart, he barely ever kissed me or hugged me, we had sex about every 2 weeks or once a month. I told him Ifelt insecure that he didn't even look at me when I was naked in front of him, that I felt unwanted because he didn't even want to have sex with me, that i didn't like him going to bars or restaurants where i knew the waitresses flirted with man and gave their numbers to customers, but instead of understanding he got angry and told me that he would not stop going anywhere just because i felt insecure, that my insecurities were my problem and not his. If I asked where he was he used to reply with "non of your business" "if i don't give explanations or details to my mom why should i give you any" "i don't have to tell you anything" and many more mean and disgusting things. He became a very possessive man, he often told me that i had to cook, clean, do laundry, iron clothes, apart from me having a full time job and got upset if i even tried to go anywhere with a friend once in a while.
Things got better within the last 2 years, he wasn't out of the house every single day, he only went to his friends house's about 2 to 3 times a week, he wanted to spend more time with us, i was even surprised because we never went out and he finally made an effort to take us out more often, he seemed to like me more and enjoy my company more. As this past year ended i noticed that he is started to grow apart again, and that his interest for his friends is growing more AGAIN!!!! He argued with me because i asked where he was going and he refused to reply, he just said "i don't have to explain myself to you" "non of your business" "one of this days I'm going to a boys night out and you can't ask where I'm going" etc, etc, etc.
Lately I've been thinking that he is already 39, he is a grown man, he has 2 kids and if he made the choice to have a relationship with me was because he already knew that he had to be committed, there's no relationship where you don't want to commit to anything. I'm 26 now and I crave love, i need love, support, someone that looks at me like I'm their everything, i want to be priority, i want to not feel insecure, i want someone to kiss me more than 2 seconds, i want to feel wanted. I've lost my self esteem, I'm usually depressed, i feel lonely, I've developed anxiety and have panic attacks multiple times a week, i used to cut myself not for attention but i was hurting myself so i wouldn't hurt anyone else, i took it out on me, i feel like i lost my interest in anything, i had so many dreams and goals and now i can't find inspiration, i gained weight and feel sick and gross most of the time, and i feel like I'm not worth much and that i should just don't open my mouth so he will not get upset, he knows that i feel this way and i just can't understand why he doesn't care.
I want this situation to change for the better i don't want to deal with this anymore, i feel so done with everything, i feel so exhausted, I'm in physical and emotional pain, i don't have great communication with my mom or brother so i can't count on them and so far they are the only family i have, i don't really have anyone else to count on so he and his kids are all i have.
Sometimes the thought of just dying makes me happy because that means all this ends there, but then i come to my senses and start thinking there is more to it than just dying. Everyday i put a happy face on and pretend that everything is perfect, but when the night comes and I'm all alone everything hurts and i just feel like trash.
I don't want to leave him, i know I'm such a coward i do love him and feel deeply for him and i also think of the kids, I'm the only one that really gives them time and attention, their dad is an alcoholic that won't accept he is and his mom has 2 more kids with other man and doesn't really care about them. They have said i give them a warm family feeling and that they love me like i was their mom.
I apologize if i made any spelling mistakes. So sorry if this turned out more like a book rather than a post but i feel like i needed to let all this out with someone, i have no friends and can't share this with anyone else.
I was just reading the previous posts and replies and encouraged me to write a little about myself.
My significant other is a high functioning alcoholic, him and I have been together for almost 7 years. We met when I was 20 and he was 32. He has 2 kids; one is 17 now and the other 10, when i met him his little boy was 3 1/2 years old, he was the most adorable little thing I've ever seen, his oldest was 10 but a very wise well spoken kid. My BF and his ex wife share custody of the kids and they come over his house on Friday and leave Sunday night.
When we met he treated me well, opening the car door for me, taking me out to eat, taking me and the kids to places, going out on dates, cooking for me, watching movies at home, etc, etc. He was very good in the start and as we started getting more comfortable with each other i noticed that he ditched me more and more every time. sometimes we were supposed to meet up and he'll cancel because he was with his friends, or we were watching a movie at home and his friends texted him and he will tell them to come over to have a few beers and when they arrived he will tell me that we will continue the movie later and just open the garage and spend from 4 to 12 hours drinking. At times he also said we were going to eat, and he'll say I'll be home at 7pm and he will end up being home until 9pm or 10pm expecting me to be ok with us going out that late. I didn't know how much he drank when we met, I started realizing it until he did it more and more and more at his house or friend's houses.
The kids and I had grown closer, i liked them and they liked me, we played, we talked, i cooked for them, wiped the 3 1/2 years old boy and showered him, i literally took care of them like a real mom would; when he saw that I started becoming closer to them instead of joining in and try to become a family he excluded himself out of his kids responsibility and used that time to drink with his friends, go out late at night and come back until about 3 or 4 in the morning. A few months into the relationship I was already tired of the situation, i wanted to walk away and never come back, but as that thought crossed my mind I came to realize that this 2 children have been dealing with this situation since they were born and they needed me there, i was the only one who could understand what they were feeling, they told me they hated to see their dad drink and that they wanted him to spend time with them, that they couldn't understand why he couldn't be more involved when they were over, they wanted to understand why he couldn't just drink the days that they were at his mom's house and dedicate his time to them when they had to be at home with him.
When I told him how his kids felt about his drinking he got upset, he told me not to get involved and that they had to suck it up because that's the life he had to offer them.
We had arguments multiple times over me telling him that he should stop drinking that much for his kids and for me, he told me I should just leave, that i was too good for him, that i made him upset with anything I said, that everything that came out of my mouth was always so rude, if I cried he told me to stop acting like a victim, he always used anything i said as an excuse to be upset with me and be able to leave the house, leave me with his kids and go enjoy his drinking with his friends, he usually said that I am with him because i want to, that i can leave any time and he'll not stop me. We grew apart, he barely ever kissed me or hugged me, we had sex about every 2 weeks or once a month. I told him Ifelt insecure that he didn't even look at me when I was naked in front of him, that I felt unwanted because he didn't even want to have sex with me, that i didn't like him going to bars or restaurants where i knew the waitresses flirted with man and gave their numbers to customers, but instead of understanding he got angry and told me that he would not stop going anywhere just because i felt insecure, that my insecurities were my problem and not his. If I asked where he was he used to reply with "non of your business" "if i don't give explanations or details to my mom why should i give you any" "i don't have to tell you anything" and many more mean and disgusting things. He became a very possessive man, he often told me that i had to cook, clean, do laundry, iron clothes, apart from me having a full time job and got upset if i even tried to go anywhere with a friend once in a while.
Things got better within the last 2 years, he wasn't out of the house every single day, he only went to his friends house's about 2 to 3 times a week, he wanted to spend more time with us, i was even surprised because we never went out and he finally made an effort to take us out more often, he seemed to like me more and enjoy my company more. As this past year ended i noticed that he is started to grow apart again, and that his interest for his friends is growing more AGAIN!!!! He argued with me because i asked where he was going and he refused to reply, he just said "i don't have to explain myself to you" "non of your business" "one of this days I'm going to a boys night out and you can't ask where I'm going" etc, etc, etc.
Lately I've been thinking that he is already 39, he is a grown man, he has 2 kids and if he made the choice to have a relationship with me was because he already knew that he had to be committed, there's no relationship where you don't want to commit to anything. I'm 26 now and I crave love, i need love, support, someone that looks at me like I'm their everything, i want to be priority, i want to not feel insecure, i want someone to kiss me more than 2 seconds, i want to feel wanted. I've lost my self esteem, I'm usually depressed, i feel lonely, I've developed anxiety and have panic attacks multiple times a week, i used to cut myself not for attention but i was hurting myself so i wouldn't hurt anyone else, i took it out on me, i feel like i lost my interest in anything, i had so many dreams and goals and now i can't find inspiration, i gained weight and feel sick and gross most of the time, and i feel like I'm not worth much and that i should just don't open my mouth so he will not get upset, he knows that i feel this way and i just can't understand why he doesn't care.
I want this situation to change for the better i don't want to deal with this anymore, i feel so done with everything, i feel so exhausted, I'm in physical and emotional pain, i don't have great communication with my mom or brother so i can't count on them and so far they are the only family i have, i don't really have anyone else to count on so he and his kids are all i have.
Sometimes the thought of just dying makes me happy because that means all this ends there, but then i come to my senses and start thinking there is more to it than just dying. Everyday i put a happy face on and pretend that everything is perfect, but when the night comes and I'm all alone everything hurts and i just feel like trash.
I don't want to leave him, i know I'm such a coward i do love him and feel deeply for him and i also think of the kids, I'm the only one that really gives them time and attention, their dad is an alcoholic that won't accept he is and his mom has 2 more kids with other man and doesn't really care about them. They have said i give them a warm family feeling and that they love me like i was their mom.
I apologize if i made any spelling mistakes. So sorry if this turned out more like a book rather than a post but i feel like i needed to let all this out with someone, i have no friends and can't share this with anyone else.
Last edited by Estefania; 01-06-2018 at 10:05 AM. Reason: Spell check
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
He's controlling. Strike one. He's not supportive. Strike two. He's insulting... You have options, and I've seen situations where the "stepmom" is able to continue the relationship with children even after the "marriage" ends. I suggest talking with a counselor for some problem solving and to start rebuilding your sense of self-esteem and personal power. Sorry to hear you're going through this, but my opinion is that sometimes the most loving thing you could tell a guy is you're no longer going to put up with his ****. Just my two cents, and I'm a guy.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Est,
I sympathize with your feelings of low self esteem etc.
The internet helped remind me of my self worth.
I google stuff all the time and then come here and elsewhere and bounce my ideas off people.
It is hard to discuss these issues, for me, with people f2f...awkward.... plus it takes a long time.
You sound like a great girlfriend and your boyfriend will miss you if you go.
If he can't change his ways and make the relationship tolerable...nothing's perfect...he will lose you.
When dealing with drunks and alky's I tend to stay away.
Anyone that has abused me mentally in the past, lost me.
There really is no going back for me.
I forgive and forget. I try to move on.
Easier said than done.
Thanks.
I sympathize with your feelings of low self esteem etc.
The internet helped remind me of my self worth.
I google stuff all the time and then come here and elsewhere and bounce my ideas off people.
It is hard to discuss these issues, for me, with people f2f...awkward.... plus it takes a long time.
You sound like a great girlfriend and your boyfriend will miss you if you go.
If he can't change his ways and make the relationship tolerable...nothing's perfect...he will lose you.
When dealing with drunks and alky's I tend to stay away.
Anyone that has abused me mentally in the past, lost me.
There really is no going back for me.
I forgive and forget. I try to move on.
Easier said than done.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 634
I'm afraid he in alcoholic & he is selfish, booze comes first, above everything & everyone.
My father-in-law was an alcoholic. From stories my husband & mother-in-law have told me, he was a very selfish, rude alcoholic. He even went to the pub at Christmas instead of being with is family. My mother-in-law stayed with him "for the sake of the kids", that was not a good idea for her or anyone else really.
I agree that you could still keep a relationship with his kids if you did leave. Is it worth looking into this just so you know you have options?
Personally I think you are way too young to settle for being treated like this, but that really is only a decision you can make.
Please look after yourself, take care. X
My father-in-law was an alcoholic. From stories my husband & mother-in-law have told me, he was a very selfish, rude alcoholic. He even went to the pub at Christmas instead of being with is family. My mother-in-law stayed with him "for the sake of the kids", that was not a good idea for her or anyone else really.
I agree that you could still keep a relationship with his kids if you did leave. Is it worth looking into this just so you know you have options?
Personally I think you are way too young to settle for being treated like this, but that really is only a decision you can make.
Please look after yourself, take care. X
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Find the strength to fulfil your potential and to fill your life with people that love you.
Try to stay in touch with the children if possible.
And assuming your description is an accurate portrayal of how you're being treated? - Leave him
Regards,
JT
Try to stay in touch with the children if possible.
And assuming your description is an accurate portrayal of how you're being treated? - Leave him
Regards,
JT
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Your responsibility is to yourself not to him or his kids. You know deep down what you need to do. I would suggest trying Al-anon meetings. An active alcoholic will always choose booze. That's a characteristic of alcoholics.
good luck
good luck
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Welcome and, I'm sorry for your situation. You are in an abusive relationship, and I hope you make use of the following information to take care of you. I think, before you can hope for someone else to love you, you must love yourself.
Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:
Tells you that you can never do anything right
Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
Controls every penny spent in the household
Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
Prevents you from making your own decisions
Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
Prevents you from working or attending school
Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Abuse information and support for every woman and every girl on Earth
Home « HotPeachPages International
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)
The National Domestic Violence Hotline ? The Hotline
Canada
Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis center
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
800-655-Hope
Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:
Tells you that you can never do anything right
Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
Controls every penny spent in the household
Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
Prevents you from making your own decisions
Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
Prevents you from working or attending school
Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Abuse information and support for every woman and every girl on Earth
Home « HotPeachPages International
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)
The National Domestic Violence Hotline ? The Hotline
Canada
Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis center
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
800-655-Hope
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Sometimes the thought of just dying makes me happy because that means all this ends there, but then i come to my senses and start thinking there is more to it than just dying
a less permanent option would be to end the relationship - then you can truly begin a journey back to YOU.
a less permanent option would be to end the relationship - then you can truly begin a journey back to YOU.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Plymouth, MI
Posts: 147
Okay......number 1. He's damn near 40....party times over.
2. He has two children....party times over.
People that age with kids and a wife or serious girlfriend..do not hang out with their buddies 4 times a week. Teens in highschool do that. This guy may love you and his kids...but right now,...he's blind to it. Right now he loves his alcohol.....and his friends=drinking. He's acting like a child. And...an alcoholic. Plain and simple..... I am praying for you....
2. He has two children....party times over.
People that age with kids and a wife or serious girlfriend..do not hang out with their buddies 4 times a week. Teens in highschool do that. This guy may love you and his kids...but right now,...he's blind to it. Right now he loves his alcohol.....and his friends=drinking. He's acting like a child. And...an alcoholic. Plain and simple..... I am praying for you....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Plymouth, MI
Posts: 147
Oh.....and saying (about his 17 and 10 yr olds )....saying "they just need to suck it up"...... F**king sickens me.... What a horrific thing to say of your own kids..... Why would you WANT to be with someone that would say something like that about their kids ???
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Guuurrrrrlllllll.................
Okay.
what would I do if I were in your shoes?
I would pack my belongings up and move myself out of that situation immediately.
Even though I would feel guilt over leaving the children the fact of the matter is that these children are not mine and I am not responsible for them.
I would seek out a therapist to help with my emotional state and my self esteem.
You have so much life and are so young. You do not deserve to be in a relationship that is not supporting of you and loving you.
Pack those bags and don't look back. You have a responsibility to live the best life you can live. You have a responsibility to take care of yourself first not his children and not him. Put on the breathing mask first.
Okay.
what would I do if I were in your shoes?
I would pack my belongings up and move myself out of that situation immediately.
Even though I would feel guilt over leaving the children the fact of the matter is that these children are not mine and I am not responsible for them.
I would seek out a therapist to help with my emotional state and my self esteem.
You have so much life and are so young. You do not deserve to be in a relationship that is not supporting of you and loving you.
Pack those bags and don't look back. You have a responsibility to live the best life you can live. You have a responsibility to take care of yourself first not his children and not him. Put on the breathing mask first.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Plymouth, MI
Posts: 147
Cubs..... I DO hope you are reading these posts. It sucks to have to leave those children behind. But the fact is you are not their mother. This guy is an addict....an abuser.....a gaslighter....a narcissist....and a horrible father. I honestly don't think you love him. I think you love the IDEA of having a loving family situation. BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE IT ONE. A loving relationship only happens when two people are in love with each other and those two people show it ....on a regular basis .....this is not happening in your case.... he is all one-sided and he will be ...until he seeks help which I don't foresee happening in the near future....
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