soberandhonest

Babescake:

FreeOwl's post is spot on. Read it closely.

As others have stated, your own recovery is the most important issue you are facing. None of the other stuff - even custody of your children - matters much if you don't recover.

Now, with respect to your upcoming legal fight, my advice is to prepare yourself to fight! I completely agree with FreeOwl that you should not accept supervised visitation as a fair or good compromise.

While your addiction may have negatively impacted your parenting, it is a medical issue. You were and are sick. If you had cancer and it impacted your ability to parent your kids, you most certainly wouldn't allow your husband to take custody on that basis, so don't allow him to do it based upon this disease - at least not without a fight. Also, you seem to be quite adept at taking on lots of guilt about things that you've done; seems to me like you have plenty to dish back towards him. Like his refusal to spend marital funds on medical treatment for you! I would think that a good lawyer could turn this on him and make it look really, really bad. If he was willing to manipulate you on this issue, what else was he willing to do? My point is not really to vilify your husband; I understand you still love him. But I want you to change your perspective a bit. You have a medical issue that you are treating. By the time this goes to court, you will (you will!) have months of sobriety under your belt. You'll be on a road to recovery. You don't deserve to lose custody of your kids over a medical issue, especially one that you have pro-actively treated despite your husband's efforts to stop you from treating! In terms of your own failures, you aren't a perfect parent, so what? Neither am I. We try hard. And no matter how perfect your spouse might think he is, I am quite sure that he has his own issues. Meet with your lawyer and don't be afraid to fight.

Again, though, none of this matters unless you get the treatment that you need and deserve. The divorce and custody stuff will take many months to sort out. Right now, your focus needs to be on you. Good luck. I'm rooting hard for you!

Hawkeye13

Great advice Free Owl

I've seen the "staggered approach" on F and Family forum several times--
I like it because it gives opportunity for the drinking parent to recover and
gain back access and decision-making, yet protects the children in the initial stages which is needed.
Everyone wins if the drinking parent makes a full, life-long recovery--
hold that thought BC, and make it happen

How are you today?

Hawkeye13

Hi again BC;
Thought I'd check in again as you were so upset yesterday.

I hope you haven't fallen prey to the "last chance to drink before rehab" scenario.
That's not uncommon, but sets you back on your treatment since you've
been sober for some days now.

Hope you are well and that you give your 30 day stay your maximum effort.

Babescake

Nope, home with my son enjoying the last few days. Been busy today getting stuff ready and treated myself to a haircut/highlight to look halfway decent. Was on earlier today but on my phone and not logged in.

I'd have moments of panic, but I'm proceeding forward. I asked my husband to stay at a family member's house and my mom is staying with my son and me at our house the next few days to avoid the tension. I want to concentrate on my son rather than tiptoe around and worry about fighting/obsessing with my husband. I check in Friday at 3 PM.

I am definitely overpacking. I do get to bring an ipod and a kindle, both of which will be saving graces for me. Also going to journal during my time (I'm a writer by trade) and write letters to my son. And including a picture of him of course.

Hawkeye13

Wishing you the best--I never was able to go to rehab,
but I have heard it can be the most amazing, life-changing experience
depending on what you put into and if you go with an open, ready mind.

It sounds like you are ready and willing to me

Cappy76

Ive been through all this long ago. Court orders can always get changed. Just get better.

Babescake

Of course getting better is paramount. But I'm not just going to roll over. I know my situation. While alcoholism isn't unique or make the abuser unique (I see this quoted a lot), each past, future and familial situation IS unique. After talking to the lawyer today, I know it is still an uphill battle, but I finally have hope again. That is a great step forward. After rehab, I'm sure I can think even more positively, despite the dire consequences I face. And off I go.