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Old 07-07-2017, 05:09 AM
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Newcomer Looking for Advice

Hello everyone. I don't have any friends that I can confide in or burden with my problems, so I thought I'd seek help here.

My girlfriend's relationship with alcohol is affecting our relationship and I don't know what to do.

Whenever she's had a couple of drinks, her mood changes, she becomes difficult to get along with and she'll get argumentative and upset, saying things like 'I know you don't love me', or 'promise you'll never leave me', etc.

On the occasions she drinks more than this, she heads off to pubs on her own until closing time under the guise of 'I'm writing my book' or 'doing some extra work' and drinks until closing time. Sometimes she texts nonsense and can barely speak on the phone, at which point I know she's wasted. Unfortunately, there have been times when she's been walked home by a stranger, or woken up in an unknown house (thankfully, these were good people). Often she's unable to talk and can't remember how she got home.

She drinks 'socially' most days either after work or with friends, and often when I'm out doing my after-work hobby, but on the days when she drinks to excess I become anxious about her safety and it causes me great stress.

In the morning she'll normally be apologetic, and make all these promises about what she's going to do to fix it, but they're soon broken, and she starts to claim it's not a big problem again. She must have started five journals/logs about drinking, and then stopped after a few days.

We just go around in circles.

I'm so drained by all of it that I've suggested a one-week trial separation, which is tricky considering 1. we live in the same flat and 2. I still love her very much.

But... I don't know what to do.

Can anyone give me any advice?
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Old 07-07-2017, 05:13 AM
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SHE has to want sobriety.
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Old 07-07-2017, 05:56 AM
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Originally Posted by DiscoNova View Post
I still love her very much.
Yet her problem with alcohol remains.

And it only gets worse. Alcoholism is progressive. Time to start thinking about your best interests and well being. And removing the alcoholic from your life seems to be the solution.
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Old 07-07-2017, 06:17 AM
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Hi, DiscoNova. Welcome.
As Carl said, she has a problem with alcohol, which will only get worse over time.
Unless she embraces sobriety, which isn't sounding likely just now..
What do you want your life to look like in 5 years' time?
In a relationship that, by your admission, stresses you out?
Because, if she is bad now, in five years she will be worse.
There is a saying around here: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
It really is up to her to decide she wants to stop drinking.
Have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings? Could be a great source of support.
Good luck.
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Old 07-07-2017, 06:26 AM
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Make a list of the things you love about her. Then make a list of the things drinking has done to your relationship.
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Old 07-07-2017, 06:27 AM
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Well... you're still supporting her, she sees no problem with her behavior because you're validating it.
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Old 07-07-2017, 06:31 AM
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Pains me to say it, but the above posters are all correct. It will not get better until she wants to stop drinking for herself. Not for you, or your relationship, or her job, or anything else. Alcoholism is lord and master of its victim. Nothing else even comes close in importance. And unfortunately, that includes love. You can't fix her or make her want to fix herself. Focus on doing what's best for you right now. Best wishes.
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Old 07-07-2017, 07:06 AM
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I know you love her but you need to love yourself more at this time. Her behaviors will continue to affect you as long as you remain invested in the situation.

Your GF has to want to get sober for herself. No one can make this happen but her. She may have to get worse before she gets better.

I am sorry that your relationship and life are suffering from alcoholism. You do have choices and it would be a positive if you made choices that revolve around what you need and what is healthy for you.

The friends and family section of this website deals with these scenarios and they may have words of wisdom to offer.
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Old 07-07-2017, 07:39 AM
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At this point you may just have to decide whether or not you are willing to live with this behavior. As it appears, if she drinks, she is going to drink as she has been or worse. Can you live with that? I don't know that a 1 week "trial separation" is going to help one way or the other. There has to be a point to it. If you can't live with this behavior, one of two things will have to happen; she will either commit to abstinence and stay that way or you will have to move on. It is pretty much that simple, though I understand not that easy. Wish you both the best.
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Old 07-07-2017, 12:38 PM
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What do you want out of this relationship? You're probably not going to get it while she's still drinking. It may be time to move on and save yourself. Things will only get worse if she continues to drink. I'd also suggest AlAnon and/or the friends and family forum on here for support for you.
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Old 08-28-2017, 04:33 AM
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Hi. I just wanted to thank everyone for your replies and give a quick update, if only so it can be of use to anyone else suffering similar problems.

I couldn't bring myself to abandon her, so I stuck with it and tried to do things that made her happy in the hope that it gave her less inclination to drown any sorrows, but it didn't work - it had become habitual and just got worse.

I did hit a breaking point though and now she's moved in with friends in order to have a change of scenery and reflect, as I don't think I was helping. I'm also hoping that she's able to get some outside advice and come up with some kind of battle plan. Or at least want to.

I'm going to give the relationship another go, and be open-minded, but if it continues in the same vein then I'm prepared to move on for both our sakes. I feel that I'm strong enough to cope - although it's never easy, as I'm sure many of you know.
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Old 08-28-2017, 04:50 AM
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you sound centered in the midst of this storm. as you saw, changing yourself to help her did not work. the problem here is the addiction, your actions do not feed her addiction regardless of what she might say. she cannot blame you for her drinking. i think you are wise to move on. it is her battle.
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Old 08-28-2017, 08:12 AM
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Hi, DN, and welcome to SR. You've gotten a lot of input already, and I only have one other suggestion. Have you checked out the Family and Friends section of the forum? Link to it is here: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

There is a lot of information you might find useful there, both in the regular threads and in the "stickies": http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html

Hope to see you over in F&F, and hope you keep reading and posting.
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Old 08-28-2017, 05:32 PM
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Your girlfriend sounds like the way I was 6 months ago, she put up with my crap for years, I'd stop for a few weeks promise the moon and the stars and start the whole cycle of drinking again, it got worse and worse, they told her to step away from me till I got to my rock bottom which didn't take long for me to reach the way I was going on, I got to treatment then and things are good between us now, I put work into this recovery too though, point is you might have to step away too let her get to her rock bottom, she needs to want to get sober for herself first, be patient and the right road will become clear for both of ye
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Old 09-01-2017, 03:43 PM
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Bit of a twist... she dumped me last night.

I'm devastated.

This experience has made me hate alcohol.
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Old 09-01-2017, 03:47 PM
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I am sorry Disco, hugs to you.
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Old 09-01-2017, 04:24 PM
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Originally Posted by DiscoNova View Post
Bit of a twist... she dumped me last night.

I'm devastated.

This experience has made me hate alcohol.
very understandable.
it may be hard to understand now, but hopefully you will get to a point you can understand she did you a favor-she tossed you a life jacked on a sinking ship.
now you can focus of you- time for you to fix you;time to learn how to love yourself.
lots of great support and advise on how to do that here from people that have been in your shoes, which i suggest heading over to the friends and family of alcoholics forum and do some reading. theres some great stickies at the top of that forum,too.
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Old 09-01-2017, 05:20 PM
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I'm sorry DN - as much as it hurts now, it sounds like there was another player in the relationship - addiction.

I hope you'll move on to something better and without a third wheel.

D
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Old 09-02-2017, 04:29 PM
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Thanks all. Biggest issue now is that we still have four months on our lease and I know the best thing for me right now is separation. Just the thought of her staying overnight with someone else makes me anxious.
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Old 01-01-2018, 09:30 AM
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Hey all. I thought I'd just say thank you for any comments and offer an update. I did indeed build up enough courage to end the relationship. We lived together for a further 2-3 months before moving out just before Christmas. Her binge drinking went up and down depending on her emotional state, but hopefully this most recent change will be beneficial for her. Watching someone you love destroy themselves with alcohol is one of the hardest things, but I'm glad that I have a little freedom now and can assist as a 'friend', rather than a partner who was unable to escape the situation. Witnessing someone first-hand struggle with alcohol is a gruelling experience that I wouldn't wish on any couple.
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