whatsgoingon

Hi guys and gals.

I’ve been visiting this forum for a few years. I’ve given up drinking twice before and last six months and eight months respectively. Thing is I always go back and think I am cured.

I have no control.

If I don’t change my ways I may end up with a big problem. My last two drinking sessions have shown me that I do not have an off switch when I’m drinking. It’s getting to the point where it is not enjoyable at all. I had a party last week and I was embarrassing. I organised it as well and I can’t remember anything about it but apparently I was doing press ups in the bar. I can’t remember settling the bill. I don’t know who paid me and who didn’t. I am a fool. This drinking is ruining my life. This week I have to go to London with work for a Christmas party. Inevitably it will end up the same way or worse. Then i have the office party which im pleading with myself that I must drive to it just so I don’t have to drink. I cannot allow myself to lose control at that one. My work life is out of control. I have not paid a tax bill that is due. My health is deteriorating, I’m over weight, my anxiety is getting worse.

I have to tell someone. That is the only way I will stop. Thing is once I do there is no going back. That scares me. But to be honest right now in my hungover state I really don’t want to drink again. I’m getting into dangerous territory now. It used to be just wine and beer but now it’s gin and rum. At least with wine and beer I would control it to a level because I was conscious of the empty bottles. With spirits I don’t have that problem and this makes me drink more. When I drink I’m like a man possessed. I just can’t stop. When I drink I’m a different person. I make bad choices. I almost feel like I’m two people, does that sound weird? The bad me just wants to drink and it try’s to convince the good me that it’s ok to drink and that I don’t have a problem. I am scared this may get out of control and then the bad me will be in total charge of what I do.

Help

theVman31

Hello.
Make today Day 1 for real.
Post often and make other plans.
Read loads here. You sound like your on a slippery slope already. Dont let it get slippier.

We are alcoholics. So no we have no control. Full stop. Good thing is we know what the problem is. Trying to stay on top of it is not easy.
Dont know what to say besides just stop because rock bottom just doesn’t exist.
Stay strong today.
V.

FreeOwl

Firstly - you don't have to stop. You can keep right on going, and ruining your life more and more and more and possibly even drink yourself to death or kill yourself in the process. That's an option. You can certainly do that. There's nothing saying you HAVE to stop.

SO ---- do you WANT to stop? Start WANTING to stop. Better yet, start WANTING SOBRIETY - and things will go a lot better for you, I promise.

If you don't change your ways you may end up with a big problem? No. You already have a big problem. In fact, from what you've shared it strikes me you have a LOT of big problems; work, taxes, health, finances, behavior, reputation to name a few. If you continue on - all of these will turn into much bigger problems and you'll add many new ones. It's all YOUR CHOICE.

You HAVE to go to London for a work party and to an office party?

No. You don't. I truly doubt that the terms of your employment require you to attend these. That is a great lie. You're lying to yourself. It's nonsense. I know it because I did it for years. Work was a fantastic excuse to keep on drinking like a fool. "oh, I HAVE to go to the bar, the dinner, the party, the office function, the happy hours....". Wrong. I stopped doing all that nonsense and started getting promoted.

Because my integrity was restored. My reputation rose. My brain was functional. My performance improved. My reliability was sound. My vision was clear. My value improved. My leadership saw me as a leader.... not a clown. Stop lying to yourself about what you HAVE to do and recognize that you're MAKING CHOICES. Then - create a new vision for what you want in life and make CHOICES about that.

You have to tell someone - do it. NOW. Today. Read these words, pick up the phone. Call someone. Then go to an AA meeting and tell them, too. You've stuffed up your life long enough, don't you think?

Your health is suffering. You have one life. Do you want to spend it gradually eroding yourself and struggling and suffering consequences? Go to the gym. Go for a walk. Do it NOW. TODAY. RIght after you call someone and tell them.

Help?

HELP YOURSELF.

We are here to help support, encourage, share, give our experience, strength and hope. But - YOU need to help yourself. YOU need to make new choices. YOU need to pick up the tools of sobriety and change your life for the better or this is just going to continue on and on and on and on until it gets bad enough that you finally do - or until you're dead.

FreeOwl

also there aren't two YOU's. There's one YOU. And there's an addictive part of your brain that speaks to you and tries to manipulate you.... but that's not YOU.

YOU are the cherished life who was blessed with this opportunity to live. YOU are the soul embodied in the physical being that has maybe 80-100 years if you're fortunate, to experience this plane.

YOU are the person who comes here, reads here, longs to have what we have, who reached out and asked for help.

YOU need only choose. When that part of your brain fires up its chatter - recognize that is NOT YOU. That is your addictive brain. It's chemical neurotransmitters firing away and manipulating YOU. It's a biological, emotional, psychological process that you've wired up over time by making CHOICES. NOW YOU CAN MAKE NEW CHOICES.

That voice will fade. The more YOU honor YOU and make choices for a better YOU - the more it will drop off into the past.

YOU CAN

tomls

Most people at SR could probably write close to the same story, I know I could. I didn't think I was ever going to stop drinking. I just thought it was going to kill me and then I wouldn't have to do it anymore. But look at me now! I'm living proof that this can be done! It's not easy, especially in the first few days but once you get started and have something to build on... won't you join me? It is truly awesome to be free from that $hit!

Donnyb

SO Well said Free owl and Vman!! WGO, it’s your life man, time to start taking control of it. Good luck friend and believe me when I tell you that you can do this and it is amazing how quickly life starts getting better

FreeOwl

Absolutely... I felt the same way after almost 25 years of ruination and despair with alcohol and drugs.

I also tried - and failed - multiple times.

Finally, I CHOSE.... REALLY. CHOSE.

And nearly 4 years of sobriety has shown me I wouldn't choose anything else. It has been freedom. Gratitude. Joy. Abundance. Sure - it was hard. Especially the first year or so. Worth every single moment.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Whatsgoingon. Lots of good advice here already, many of us have been in the same situation and it does not feel very good at all.

It's a pretty simple equation really...if you truly want to quit you can - but you need to be the agent of change. When you were sober for those other stretches, were you following any kind of treatment or self help?

Fly N Buy

No, it's a common denominator. So much so, they wrote a book about it. Here's an excerpt;

"Here is the fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control. He does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking. He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is seldom mildly intoxicated. He is always more or less insanely drunk. His disposition while drinking resembles his normal nature but little. He may be one of the finest fellows in the world. Yet let him drink for a day, and he frequently becomes disgustingly, and even dangerously anti-social. He has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision must be made or engagement kept. He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish. He often possesses special abilities, skills, and aptitudes, and has a promising career ahead of him."
pg 21
Alcoholics Anonymous

When I kept doing the same thing, I got the same results. Over time things get worse never better was my experience.

doggonecarl

You already have a big problem.

Dee74

Hi whatsgoingon - welcome back

I think if you want change, you really need to make changes, however scary, it's the only way forward.

Have you considered making an action plan?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)

D

JustTony

Wow what an interesting post for me to read. So much of it relates to my situation.

Today I cancelled two Christmas parties. In addition I told both organisers (both people I respect and know very well in business) that I couldn't attend as I am an alcoholic. I felt ashamed to give myself that label knowing that they will always think of me as that from here on in. But now it's out there - no going back. And I guess I feel kind of relieved.

Best of luck from a fellow UK resident.