Need advice from experience
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Need advice from experience
Hi all.
Today was an interesting day for me. First off I hit my 9 day which I never actually thought I could do, I sincerely thank you guys (and ladies) for that, you have been a tremendous help in the couple days I have been here.
Anyway, as I stated in earlier threads, I took this week off to kind of detox, rest, and deal with my WD insomnia which is still pretty bad.
So last night I get a call from a friend asking me to go on a fishing trip on the river this morning with a few of the guys, hesitantly I said yes due to the fact that fishing trips for me and my pals are an excuse to party. So as the day went on, they were putting some beers down, nothing major just a few here and there. Inevitably it became noticed by a friend that I hadn't had a beer. Yep here it comes I thought.
So friend 1 says: hey why aren't ya having any beers ya hungover? I replied, no man I quit drinking. B.S. says my brother in law no way you of all people quit drinking. I said yep, its that time.
Another friend says in a very sarcastic manner: must be his old lady making him quit, and from there the laughs began at my expense. More of this went on but I wont bore you all with that.
This went on for awhile with the heckling and disbelief, then things got pretty quiet as reality set in for them. Next thing I know they were drinking much heavier and disassociating me from the group bigtime! Nobody really spoke to me as I was in a clear mind and they were buzzed pretty good.
Lastly, the end of the fishing trip comes. They are ready to hit the bar to celebrate the day planning among themselves. Friend 1 says: I guess Johnny isn't coming hes gotta go home and hold his girls purse. Well, I almost blackened his eye for him but I just laughed it off. But deep inside I felt anger, rage, and quite honestly, I did wanna drink by this point.
With all this being said, how the hell do I deal with this? Anyone have similar experiences? Do I just avoid my friends? Everybody I know drinks. This was my first experience with this type of situation and now my anxiety has me fearful for the next social event. I dont wanna live in seclusion but I also can't handle that feeling of being the "outsider". Any help or advice is appreciated.
Brighten
Today was an interesting day for me. First off I hit my 9 day which I never actually thought I could do, I sincerely thank you guys (and ladies) for that, you have been a tremendous help in the couple days I have been here.
Anyway, as I stated in earlier threads, I took this week off to kind of detox, rest, and deal with my WD insomnia which is still pretty bad.
So last night I get a call from a friend asking me to go on a fishing trip on the river this morning with a few of the guys, hesitantly I said yes due to the fact that fishing trips for me and my pals are an excuse to party. So as the day went on, they were putting some beers down, nothing major just a few here and there. Inevitably it became noticed by a friend that I hadn't had a beer. Yep here it comes I thought.
So friend 1 says: hey why aren't ya having any beers ya hungover? I replied, no man I quit drinking. B.S. says my brother in law no way you of all people quit drinking. I said yep, its that time.
Another friend says in a very sarcastic manner: must be his old lady making him quit, and from there the laughs began at my expense. More of this went on but I wont bore you all with that.
This went on for awhile with the heckling and disbelief, then things got pretty quiet as reality set in for them. Next thing I know they were drinking much heavier and disassociating me from the group bigtime! Nobody really spoke to me as I was in a clear mind and they were buzzed pretty good.
Lastly, the end of the fishing trip comes. They are ready to hit the bar to celebrate the day planning among themselves. Friend 1 says: I guess Johnny isn't coming hes gotta go home and hold his girls purse. Well, I almost blackened his eye for him but I just laughed it off. But deep inside I felt anger, rage, and quite honestly, I did wanna drink by this point.
With all this being said, how the hell do I deal with this? Anyone have similar experiences? Do I just avoid my friends? Everybody I know drinks. This was my first experience with this type of situation and now my anxiety has me fearful for the next social event. I dont wanna live in seclusion but I also can't handle that feeling of being the "outsider". Any help or advice is appreciated.
Brighten
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Hi,
It sounds like it was a pretty miserable day. I didn't tell anyone that I stopped drinking because I was quite sure I wouldn't have been able to listen to feedback such as you experienced. You might think about staying away from activities that are entered around alcohol. It might mean stepping back from your friends for awhile, until you feel you are ready. I think that one of the hardest things of early recovery are the lifestyle changes that we have to make.
Congratulations on Day 9!
It sounds like it was a pretty miserable day. I didn't tell anyone that I stopped drinking because I was quite sure I wouldn't have been able to listen to feedback such as you experienced. You might think about staying away from activities that are entered around alcohol. It might mean stepping back from your friends for awhile, until you feel you are ready. I think that one of the hardest things of early recovery are the lifestyle changes that we have to make.
Congratulations on Day 9!
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Originally Posted by Anna 
Hi,
It sounds like it was a pretty miserable day. I didn't tell anyone that I stopped drinking because I was quite sure I wouldn't have been able to listen to feedback such as you experienced. You might think about staying away from activities that are entered around alcohol. It might mean stepping back from your friends for awhile, until you feel you are ready. I think that one of the hardest things of early recovery are the lifestyle changes that we have to make.
Congratulations on Day 9!
It sounds like it was a pretty miserable day. I didn't tell anyone that I stopped drinking because I was quite sure I wouldn't have been able to listen to feedback such as you experienced. You might think about staying away from activities that are entered around alcohol. It might mean stepping back from your friends for awhile, until you feel you are ready. I think that one of the hardest things of early recovery are the lifestyle changes that we have to make.
Congratulations on Day 9!
Unfortunately for me, everything my friends and fam do is centered around alcohol. I didnt even have any intention of telling anyone, but its just the norm in my life that if im not drinkin I stick out like a sore thumb. Ugh
Steppin back is probably my only choice.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: West Wales
Posts: 1,630
Congrats on 9 days Brighten, you did really well there, it must have been hard for you.
I had a similar experience on a family do and it was tough to say no so I understand. But luckily they all got used to it and today no-one blinks the eye.
I had a similar experience on a family do and it was tough to say no so I understand. But luckily they all got used to it and today no-one blinks the eye.
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Originally Posted by Elke516
Congrats on 9 days Brighten, you did really well there, it must have been hard for you.
I had a similar experience on a family do and it was tough to say no so I understand. But luckily they all got used to it and today no-one blinks the eye.
I had a similar experience on a family do and it was tough to say no so I understand. But luckily they all got used to it and today no-one blinks the eye.
Yes it was super tough. I'm hoping like you said that they all get used to the new me.
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Location: Norfolk, VA
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Originally Posted by BrightenMeUp
With all this being said, how the hell do I deal with this?
I know you said in a later post that everything your friends and family do is centered around alcohol. Well, you drank. So of course everything revolved around drinking. But that is going to have to change.
You may resist the changes you have to make, you will probably resent them. But if you want to get sober and stay sober you will have to figure out that it is difficult to stay sober while trying to live your old drinking life. I just hope it doesn't take a relapse to convince you.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 67
Oh I can definitely relate.
I have had all types of comments from my friends of years in the past when I sobered up. It is difficult to know how to handle.
Since this is all or nothing some relationships are gonna naturally end for me. I'm not willing to die drunk to make someone else 'happy' or comfortable. But I have been there.
My family I do worry about though. Cannot really avoid them and they center pretty much everything around drinking. I have stopped for months before and they are ok but will try to nudge me towards having a drink. And it worries me because I am sure the party is not as fun when I am not on that level.
Looks like I will be eating at the kids table. Fine with me I cant do it anymore.
It does drive me a bit nuts though to see them drink all the time and seem to get away with it and seem to not be alcoholic, but I cant pull that off.
Oh well
I have had all types of comments from my friends of years in the past when I sobered up. It is difficult to know how to handle.
Since this is all or nothing some relationships are gonna naturally end for me. I'm not willing to die drunk to make someone else 'happy' or comfortable. But I have been there.
My family I do worry about though. Cannot really avoid them and they center pretty much everything around drinking. I have stopped for months before and they are ok but will try to nudge me towards having a drink. And it worries me because I am sure the party is not as fun when I am not on that level.
Looks like I will be eating at the kids table. Fine with me I cant do it anymore.
It does drive me a bit nuts though to see them drink all the time and seem to get away with it and seem to not be alcoholic, but I cant pull that off.
Oh well
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by LastDrop
Oh I can definitely relate.
I have had all types of comments from my friends of years in the past when I sobered up. It is difficult to know how to handle.
Since this is all or nothing some relationships are gonna naturally end for me. I'm not willing to die drunk to make someone else 'happy' or comfortable. But I have been there.
My family I do worry about though. Cannot really avoid them and they center pretty much everything around drinking. I have stopped for months before and they are ok but will try to nudge me towards having a drink. And it worries me because I am sure the party is not as fun when I am not on that level.
Looks like I will be eating at the kids table. Fine with me I cant do it anymore.
It does drive me a bit nuts though to see them drink all the time and seem to get away with it and seem to not be alcoholic, but I cant pull that off.
Oh well
I have had all types of comments from my friends of years in the past when I sobered up. It is difficult to know how to handle.
Since this is all or nothing some relationships are gonna naturally end for me. I'm not willing to die drunk to make someone else 'happy' or comfortable. But I have been there.
My family I do worry about though. Cannot really avoid them and they center pretty much everything around drinking. I have stopped for months before and they are ok but will try to nudge me towards having a drink. And it worries me because I am sure the party is not as fun when I am not on that level.
Looks like I will be eating at the kids table. Fine with me I cant do it anymore.
It does drive me a bit nuts though to see them drink all the time and seem to get away with it and seem to not be alcoholic, but I cant pull that off.
Oh well
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Oh, uck.
What a day.
Well, good for you for not drinking.
I don’t have a lot of experiences like yours. I was much older when I decided to stop drinking. We were part of a small circle of couples who weren't big drinkers.
So, my telling them I wasn’t drinking anymore was met with, “really? Were you drinking a lot?”
It sounds like your day was different. You were with a bunch of guys for whom drinking was embedded in the day.
I won’t say they kinda sound like d***ks, as that would be rude and not at all appropriate to say in this forum.
I will say that they exhibited a marked amount of, shall we say, insensitivity?
I think many people who quit find themselves changing up a lot about their lives and friends over time.
Not saying you need to cut your friends out, but you may find over time that they are drinking buddies, not friends.
For now, I would put sobriety first, and, as Anna recommended, avoid activities that are centered around alcohol.
Congrats on 9 nine days.
What a day.
Well, good for you for not drinking.
I don’t have a lot of experiences like yours. I was much older when I decided to stop drinking. We were part of a small circle of couples who weren't big drinkers.
So, my telling them I wasn’t drinking anymore was met with, “really? Were you drinking a lot?”
It sounds like your day was different. You were with a bunch of guys for whom drinking was embedded in the day.
I won’t say they kinda sound like d***ks, as that would be rude and not at all appropriate to say in this forum.
I will say that they exhibited a marked amount of, shall we say, insensitivity?
I think many people who quit find themselves changing up a lot about their lives and friends over time.
Not saying you need to cut your friends out, but you may find over time that they are drinking buddies, not friends.
For now, I would put sobriety first, and, as Anna recommended, avoid activities that are centered around alcohol.
Congrats on 9 nine days.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Oh, uck.
What a day.
Well, good for you for not drinking.
I don’t have a lot of experiences like yours. I was much older when I decided to stop drinking. We were part of a small circle of couples who weren't big drinkers.
So, my telling them I wasn’t drinking anymore was met with, “really? Were you drinking a lot?”
It sounds like your day was different. You were with a bunch of guys for whom drinking was embedded in the day.
I won’t say they kinda sound like d***ks, as that would be rude and not at all appropriate to say in this forum.
I will say that they exhibited a marked amount of, shall we say, insensitivity?
I think many people who quit find themselves changing up a lot about their lives and friends over time.
Not saying you need to cut your friends out, but you may find over time that they are drinking buddies, not friends.
For now, I would put sobriety first, and, as Anna recommended, avoid activities that are centered around alcohol.
Congrats on 9 nine days.
What a day.
Well, good for you for not drinking.
I don’t have a lot of experiences like yours. I was much older when I decided to stop drinking. We were part of a small circle of couples who weren't big drinkers.
So, my telling them I wasn’t drinking anymore was met with, “really? Were you drinking a lot?”
It sounds like your day was different. You were with a bunch of guys for whom drinking was embedded in the day.
I won’t say they kinda sound like d***ks, as that would be rude and not at all appropriate to say in this forum.
I will say that they exhibited a marked amount of, shall we say, insensitivity?
I think many people who quit find themselves changing up a lot about their lives and friends over time.
Not saying you need to cut your friends out, but you may find over time that they are drinking buddies, not friends.
For now, I would put sobriety first, and, as Anna recommended, avoid activities that are centered around alcohol.
Congrats on 9 nine days.
You are absolutely right!! Insensitive isnt the word. Haha. And you're right, they are (were) my drinking buddies. I guess the tough part is Ive known them all my life. But it's my life and my sobriety. I'm not sure many people care about that. It's a tough choice but I know what I gotta do.
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Location: SF Bay area, CA
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I had to avoid situations like that until I was firmly committed to being sober. I'd stay away from social events that are focused on drinking. And yes, they were quite rude about your not drinking. 
That's not how true friends behave.
That's not how true friends behave.
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Originally Posted by least
I had to avoid situations like that until I was firmly committed to being sober. I'd stay away from social events that are focused on drinking. And yes, they were quite rude about your not drinking. That's not how true friends behave.
That's not how true friends behave.Member
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Originally Posted by AM100
I'm curious, aside from the heckling, do you feel like you would you have enjoyed the fishing without drinking?
I plan on going by myself tomorrow
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Here's my 2 cents. Take it for what it's worth...
I think part of the problem is that you were their drinking buddy, and all of a sudden you stopped drinking without any explanation or warning. I think their reaction is pretty normal for, let's just say, immature guys. I certainly wouldn't hold it against them quite yet.
I think if they are truly friends of yours they'd probably appreciate a little explanation or background. I know those on here will chime in and say you don't owe anyone anything, but this is real life. If you don't feel comfortable talking to all of them at once I'd at least talk to one of them and let him know you have a drinking problem and you're trying your best to stop. Let him know you don't appreciate the joking, etc., since it's a very serious issue with you. Hopefully this guy can pass on the message to everyone else.
As others have said, if it's a function that solely revolves around drinking then simply avoid the activity. I'd give the guys a little time to adjust to your new lifestyle. If they continue with the jokes, etc., then I'd start looking for new friends but give them a little time.
I think part of the problem is that you were their drinking buddy, and all of a sudden you stopped drinking without any explanation or warning. I think their reaction is pretty normal for, let's just say, immature guys. I certainly wouldn't hold it against them quite yet.
I think if they are truly friends of yours they'd probably appreciate a little explanation or background. I know those on here will chime in and say you don't owe anyone anything, but this is real life. If you don't feel comfortable talking to all of them at once I'd at least talk to one of them and let him know you have a drinking problem and you're trying your best to stop. Let him know you don't appreciate the joking, etc., since it's a very serious issue with you. Hopefully this guy can pass on the message to everyone else.
As others have said, if it's a function that solely revolves around drinking then simply avoid the activity. I'd give the guys a little time to adjust to your new lifestyle. If they continue with the jokes, etc., then I'd start looking for new friends but give them a little time.
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Originally Posted by Frank14
Here's my 2 cents. Take it for what it's worth...
I think part of the problem is that you were their drinking buddy, and all of a sudden you stopped drinking without any explanation or warning. I think their reaction is pretty normal for, let's just say, immature guys. I certainly wouldn't hold it against them quite yet.
I think if they are truly friends of yours they'd probably appreciate a little explanation or background. I know those on here will chime in and say you don't owe anyone anything, but this is real life. If you don't feel comfortable talking to all of them at once I'd at least talk to one of them and let him know you have a drinking problem and you're trying your best to stop. Let him know you don't appreciate the joking, etc., since it's a very serious issue with you. Hopefully this guy can pass on the message to everyone else.
As others have said, if it's a function that solely revolves around drinking then simply avoid the activity. I'd give the guys a little time to adjust to your new lifestyle. If they continue with the jokes, etc., then I'd start looking for new friends but give them a little time.
I think part of the problem is that you were their drinking buddy, and all of a sudden you stopped drinking without any explanation or warning. I think their reaction is pretty normal for, let's just say, immature guys. I certainly wouldn't hold it against them quite yet.
I think if they are truly friends of yours they'd probably appreciate a little explanation or background. I know those on here will chime in and say you don't owe anyone anything, but this is real life. If you don't feel comfortable talking to all of them at once I'd at least talk to one of them and let him know you have a drinking problem and you're trying your best to stop. Let him know you don't appreciate the joking, etc., since it's a very serious issue with you. Hopefully this guy can pass on the message to everyone else.
As others have said, if it's a function that solely revolves around drinking then simply avoid the activity. I'd give the guys a little time to adjust to your new lifestyle. If they continue with the jokes, etc., then I'd start looking for new friends but give them a little time.
Thanks very much!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I had a lot of drinking buddies by the end. Most of them weren't helpful to my recovery.
My real friends were the ones who saw I had a problem and supported me.
My advice is to avoid the drinking biddies and the alcohol centered trips.
You'll only make yourself miserable - and at 9 days thats not what you want.
It doesn't mean the only thing we can do is sit at home a\face pressed to the window watching the world go by.
You have an opportunity to build a new, sober life - go do it!
D
My real friends were the ones who saw I had a problem and supported me.
My advice is to avoid the drinking biddies and the alcohol centered trips.
You'll only make yourself miserable - and at 9 days thats not what you want.
It doesn't mean the only thing we can do is sit at home a\face pressed to the window watching the world go by.
You have an opportunity to build a new, sober life - go do it!
D
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