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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: NH
Posts: 1
I am new here!
I’m not sure if I am posting in the right place. I am searching for advise on what I can do to help my partner of 10 years get through his cocaine addiction.
We have 4 kids together. He owns two restaurants. We have yet to marry because we wanted to wait until all of our kids were old enough to be apart of our big day. But, now I’m not sure if we should make that commitment.
When we first got together he NEVER drank, or did drugs (besides marijuana). After a few years a mutual friend introduced him to Molly. He used it recreationally for a bit and then became addicted to it after about a year of using it once in a while. He then stopped that. But about a year later he opened a second restaurant and he picked up doing coke. He finally came clean to me after about 7 months of using it that he knows he has a problem and is addicted to cocaine.
He is fully aware of his addiction, although he thinks that I think it’s worse then it really is. He says he is going to stop once both restaurants are running smoothly and don’t need his full attention. He has excuse after excuse that he needs to do coke in order to stay focused on the businesses.
I am a stay at home mom and I take care of our kids. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but what if he doesn’t stop? What do I do to help him to stop?
My mother became an addict for 3 years and is now 11 years sober. So I know sobriety can happen. But he has an extremely addictive personality. Anything he picks up he gets addicted to. Baseball cards, scratch tickets, collecting Old coins.
He says when he’s “ready” he will stop. And if he can’t do it on his own he will seek help. But what if when he’s “ready” it’s too late?
We have 4 kids together. He owns two restaurants. We have yet to marry because we wanted to wait until all of our kids were old enough to be apart of our big day. But, now I’m not sure if we should make that commitment.
When we first got together he NEVER drank, or did drugs (besides marijuana). After a few years a mutual friend introduced him to Molly. He used it recreationally for a bit and then became addicted to it after about a year of using it once in a while. He then stopped that. But about a year later he opened a second restaurant and he picked up doing coke. He finally came clean to me after about 7 months of using it that he knows he has a problem and is addicted to cocaine.
He is fully aware of his addiction, although he thinks that I think it’s worse then it really is. He says he is going to stop once both restaurants are running smoothly and don’t need his full attention. He has excuse after excuse that he needs to do coke in order to stay focused on the businesses.
I am a stay at home mom and I take care of our kids. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but what if he doesn’t stop? What do I do to help him to stop?
My mother became an addict for 3 years and is now 11 years sober. So I know sobriety can happen. But he has an extremely addictive personality. Anything he picks up he gets addicted to. Baseball cards, scratch tickets, collecting Old coins.
He says when he’s “ready” he will stop. And if he can’t do it on his own he will seek help. But what if when he’s “ready” it’s too late?
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Hi and welcome to SR. I'm sorry you are suffering. unfortunately, your partner will only stop if and when he wants to stop. If he doesn't think he has a problem and doesn't want to stop then he won't.
All you can do is decide what is best for you and your children and decide whether you want to stay with him.
All you can do is decide what is best for you and your children and decide whether you want to stay with him.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR jmc! Glad you have decided to reach out for help. You are always welcome to post here in the Newcomer's forum, and also know that we have forums dedicated specifically to friends and family of substance abusers - take a look about halfway down the main forums page.
Regarding your husband, as ReadAtLast mentions, there's not a lot you can really do to make him quit. It's also very common for addicts to try and put the blame back on others by saying they don't think it's as bad as you do.
The fact that he realizes and admits he has a problem is definitely a positive sign, but he's going to need to be the one that makes the effort to change. You can't do that for him, although you can offer your support if he asks. You also need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he won't ever seek help. As discouraging as it sounds, that is a real possibility - so you need to prepare yourself to get the support you need if that happens. You'll find a lot of that here so I'm glad you've joined us.
Regarding your husband, as ReadAtLast mentions, there's not a lot you can really do to make him quit. It's also very common for addicts to try and put the blame back on others by saying they don't think it's as bad as you do.
The fact that he realizes and admits he has a problem is definitely a positive sign, but he's going to need to be the one that makes the effort to change. You can't do that for him, although you can offer your support if he asks. You also need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he won't ever seek help. As discouraging as it sounds, that is a real possibility - so you need to prepare yourself to get the support you need if that happens. You'll find a lot of that here so I'm glad you've joined us.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
I'm sorry for your situation and I hope that your husband decides to seek support for his addiction. It's good that he recognizes his addiction, but he will still need to make the decision to live a sober life.
You might like to check out AlAnon in your area for support for yourself. As well, we have a forum for Friends & Families of Substance Abusers.
You might like to check out AlAnon in your area for support for yourself. As well, we have a forum for Friends & Families of Substance Abusers.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
The fact that he says he's not ready, means it's too late, you see that yeah ? I don't think it's ever too early to stop doing blow.
And he will have to do it on his own with or without help.
An addictive personality just means one has impulse control problems/issues and needs to rein them in . Having them isn't a free pass on exhibiting them and being freed of the consequences.
If you don't want a partner who is a cocaine user , you have to tell them to stop , give them an ultimatum, they can either be a cocaine user or your partner.
Or learn to live with it, and it won't get better with out being gone, but you know that right , yeah ?
People can have 'addictive personalities ' and not do drugs, happens all the time and especially for people with 'addictive personalities'
good luck , wish you well
And he will have to do it on his own with or without help.
An addictive personality just means one has impulse control problems/issues and needs to rein them in . Having them isn't a free pass on exhibiting them and being freed of the consequences.
If you don't want a partner who is a cocaine user , you have to tell them to stop , give them an ultimatum, they can either be a cocaine user or your partner.
Or learn to live with it, and it won't get better with out being gone, but you know that right , yeah ?
People can have 'addictive personalities ' and not do drugs, happens all the time and especially for people with 'addictive personalities'
good luck , wish you well
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