Not only me
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Not only me
My mom is staying with us for another 20 days. She is a practicing alcoholic. She hides her booze, switched to vodka thinking I would smell it, well there are mannerisms of a drunk, which are evident. I am so annoyed with her. Just 2 nights ago I poured out her liter of booze, now tonight, she's drinking vodka. Don't worry, I have no desire, today. She knows I'm done drinking, she just doesn't respect me, well... The alcoholic brain doesn't respect anyone, it's a selfish brain controlled by a liquid.
So, I was thinking about putting an AA big book in her luggage along with a note before she Flys away. Good idea? Bad idea??
A month ago, I asked her to either stop drinking in my home or stay elsewhere as she was driving my neighborhood wasted 3 nights a week, she agreed but still snuck booze.
At a loss with her. Our relationship only started 2 years ago when I had my child. She is still the same alcoholic I've always known and disliked.
So, I was thinking about putting an AA big book in her luggage along with a note before she Flys away. Good idea? Bad idea??
A month ago, I asked her to either stop drinking in my home or stay elsewhere as she was driving my neighborhood wasted 3 nights a week, she agreed but still snuck booze.
At a loss with her. Our relationship only started 2 years ago when I had my child. She is still the same alcoholic I've always known and disliked.
Last edited by DreamCatcher17; 10-02-2017 at 05:31 PM. Reason: Spelling
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Hi DreamCatcher
I think if you make ultimatums you need to carry them through - seeing as you asked her not to drink in your home, sending your mom to a hotel doesn't sound like the worst idea in the world.
That will probably have a greater impact than a Big Book stuffed in her luggage which is IMO kinda passive aggressive..
I think if you make ultimatums you need to carry them through - seeing as you asked her not to drink in your home, sending your mom to a hotel doesn't sound like the worst idea in the world.
That will probably have a greater impact than a Big Book stuffed in her luggage which is IMO kinda passive aggressive..
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Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi DreamCatcher
I think if you make ultimatums you need to carry them through - seeing as you asked her not to drink in your home, sending your mom to a hotel doesn't sound like the worst idea in the world.
That will probably have a greater impact than a Big Book stuffed in her luggage which is IMO kinda passive aggressive..
I think if you make ultimatums you need to carry them through - seeing as you asked her not to drink in your home, sending your mom to a hotel doesn't sound like the worst idea in the world.
That will probably have a greater impact than a Big Book stuffed in her luggage which is IMO kinda passive aggressive..
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How can wanting to help be passive aggressive? One of the methods suggested in the big book chapter of working with others is to leave some AA literature where the alcoholic might find it. Maybe one of those 20 questions pamphlets would be more effective that a big book at this stage. It is a reasonably sure bet that the alcoholic will read it if they think no one is watching. It might plant a seed.
It is very difficult with family. Direct approaches, pleading, threatening don't seem to work. My mothers drinking got worse when I sobered up. We brought the best of AA to her, she went through two rehabs, she had the best help available but just does not want to be sober. She was still drinking 30 years later. I have no idea how she has lived so long. They say only the lucky ones get to die. She was very hateful. I cut her out of my life about twenty years ago. In reality, there was nothing of my mother left, just a ball of resentment.
I think anything is preferable to that. If you don't try something, you may regret it, and who knows, it may do some good.
It is very difficult with family. Direct approaches, pleading, threatening don't seem to work. My mothers drinking got worse when I sobered up. We brought the best of AA to her, she went through two rehabs, she had the best help available but just does not want to be sober. She was still drinking 30 years later. I have no idea how she has lived so long. They say only the lucky ones get to die. She was very hateful. I cut her out of my life about twenty years ago. In reality, there was nothing of my mother left, just a ball of resentment.
I think anything is preferable to that. If you don't try something, you may regret it, and who knows, it may do some good.
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It's pretty much the dictionary definition of passive aggressive Mike - avoiding direct confrontation.
I don't think passive aggressive was a thing when the book was written tho - and the suggestion must be there in the BB cos it worked a few times, I guess.
Thinking back to me as an active alcoholic though... it would have made me drink harder in sheer spite - but I recognize my experience is not universal.
D
I don't think passive aggressive was a thing when the book was written tho - and the suggestion must be there in the BB cos it worked a few times, I guess.
Thinking back to me as an active alcoholic though... it would have made me drink harder in sheer spite - but I recognize my experience is not universal.
D
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Family is tough. Are you practicing AA yourself? What does your sponsor say?
This is just me, but I know when I am very upset about something, especially with respect to family, it is important for me to pause. Sort of the mental equivalent to stop, drop and roll
Resentments are poison to me. And in early recovery (I actually don't know if you are in early recovery...heck you could have years....but I'm guessing not?) I need to watch my mood and reactions carefully.
Boundaries are also extremely important. If you set this boundary clearly with your Mom, then maintaining it and asking her to leave is not only survival but it is completely logical.
Whether or not you leave her literature? I guess that depends on motivation. I know that if my motivation is spite and resentment, the only person that hurts is me....and it generally helps no one. If my motivation is love and compassion, that generally works out pretty well. Maybe meditate on what you believe your motivation is. Third step prayer is a good one.
I sound so AA. I'm really not. Well maybe a little. But if I recommend a program to someone, I guess I'd better be walking the walk, ya know?
This is just me, but I know when I am very upset about something, especially with respect to family, it is important for me to pause. Sort of the mental equivalent to stop, drop and roll
Resentments are poison to me. And in early recovery (I actually don't know if you are in early recovery...heck you could have years....but I'm guessing not?) I need to watch my mood and reactions carefully. Boundaries are also extremely important. If you set this boundary clearly with your Mom, then maintaining it and asking her to leave is not only survival but it is completely logical.
Whether or not you leave her literature? I guess that depends on motivation. I know that if my motivation is spite and resentment, the only person that hurts is me....and it generally helps no one. If my motivation is love and compassion, that generally works out pretty well. Maybe meditate on what you believe your motivation is. Third step prayer is a good one.
I sound so AA. I'm really not. Well maybe a little. But if I recommend a program to someone, I guess I'd better be walking the walk, ya know?
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Originally Posted by Gottalife
How can wanting to help be passive aggressive? One of the methods suggested in the big book chapter of working with others is to leave some AA literature where the alcoholic might find it. Maybe one of those 20 questions pamphlets would be more effective that a big book at this stage. It is a reasonably sure bet that the alcoholic will read it if they think no one is watching. It might plant a seed.
It is very difficult with family. Direct approaches, pleading, threatening don't seem to work. My mothers drinking got worse when I sobered up. We brought the best of AA to her, she went through two rehabs, she had the best help available but just does not want to be sober. She was still drinking 30 years later. I have no idea how she has lived so long. They say only the lucky ones get to die. She was very hateful. I cut her out of my life about twenty years ago. In reality, there was nothing of my mother left, just a ball of resentment.
I think anything is preferable to that. If you don't try something, you may regret it, and who knows, it may do some good.
It is very difficult with family. Direct approaches, pleading, threatening don't seem to work. My mothers drinking got worse when I sobered up. We brought the best of AA to her, she went through two rehabs, she had the best help available but just does not want to be sober. She was still drinking 30 years later. I have no idea how she has lived so long. They say only the lucky ones get to die. She was very hateful. I cut her out of my life about twenty years ago. In reality, there was nothing of my mother left, just a ball of resentment.
I think anything is preferable to that. If you don't try something, you may regret it, and who knows, it may do some good.
Thank you! I totally agree with you, it seems like when I asked her over a month ago to stop drinking she hit the bottle harder. I understand the addict brain, I have one. If I were her, I would do the same thing, I have done the same thing. So, I am trying to tread lightly and with love and concern, not pointing the finger and blaming her for everything like I would love to do, as I feel that would help me get over my issues with her while growing up but I know that is most likely false, and the feelings won't go away for a long time, until I can actually forgive her. Which is hard when the cycle continues on repeat.
Thank you for sharing.
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
Family is tough. Are you practicing AA yourself? What does your sponsor say?
This is just me, but I know when I am very upset about something, especially with respect to family, it is important for me to pause. Sort of the mental equivalent to stop, drop and roll Resentments are poison to me. And in early recovery (I actually don't know if you are in early recovery...heck you could have years....but I'm guessing not?) I need to watch my mood and reactions carefully.
Boundaries are also extremely important. If you set this boundary clearly with your Mom, then maintaining it and asking her to leave is not only survival but it is completely logical.
Whether or not you leave her literature? I guess that depends on motivation. I know that if my motivation is spite and resentment, the only person that hurts is me....and it generally helps no one. If my motivation is love and compassion, that generally works out pretty well. Maybe meditate on what you believe your motivation is. Third step prayer is a good one.
I sound so AA. I'm really not. Well maybe a little. But if I recommend a program to someone, I guess I'd better be walking the walk, ya know?
This is just me, but I know when I am very upset about something, especially with respect to family, it is important for me to pause. Sort of the mental equivalent to stop, drop and roll
Resentments are poison to me. And in early recovery (I actually don't know if you are in early recovery...heck you could have years....but I'm guessing not?) I need to watch my mood and reactions carefully. Boundaries are also extremely important. If you set this boundary clearly with your Mom, then maintaining it and asking her to leave is not only survival but it is completely logical.
Whether or not you leave her literature? I guess that depends on motivation. I know that if my motivation is spite and resentment, the only person that hurts is me....and it generally helps no one. If my motivation is love and compassion, that generally works out pretty well. Maybe meditate on what you believe your motivation is. Third step prayer is a good one.
I sound so AA. I'm really not. Well maybe a little. But if I recommend a program to someone, I guess I'd better be walking the walk, ya know?
She is here for another 20 days, asking her to get a hotel room is hard, she cant afford it. I suppose, the nights she wants to drink I could ask her to leave, but then my life is being disrupted because Iw ould have to drive her.
I will be having a conversation with her tonight when I get home, if she isnt hiding in her room.
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