Fourfiftyeight

Well I've managed to get to 28 days sober today. I'm quite surprised actually. I've got an app on my phone that reminds me, and when I looked at it today I thought wow! How the hell did I do that?!

It's been ok so far, but very lonely. I'm being a bit reclusive and not going out much. I live in a small village where everything revolves around the pubs and the only way I can cope is to just stay away from it all.

The last time I drank I really frightened myself and I think it's shocked me so much that I'm too scared to go anywhere near alcohol again. I cheated on my husband with a virtual stranger after drinking a crazy amount of wine. I don't even know how it happened as I sort of came to in the middle of a blackout and found myself with this guy. I'm so ashamed. When I sobered up I completely freaked out and couldn't believe what I'd done. I still can't believe it. The guilt is eating away at me every single day and I'm terrified that I might bump into him again. That's the trouble with living in a small village.

I couldn't feel any worse about what I did and I don't really know how to move on from it. I can't tell my husband because that would mean the end of my marriage and I'm terrified of losing him. All I'm focusing on is the fact that I've been sober for 28 days and I've just got to keep going. I wonder if I will ever be able to live with myself and the guilt of what I did?

Zanna

Well done on the 28 days
Not really sure what to suggest regarding your husband - if you live in a small village and that's where you were with this guy, the chances are pretty high, that someone is going to tell him. Might be better coming from you? It's a tough one.
We've all done things 'in drink', that we wouldn't have done otherwise, so try not to beat yourself up too much. The sober you, wouldn't have done that right?
It's a lesson hopefully learned though - damage limitation, seems to be the key here, but for everyone's sake, keep off the booze.

Good luck

DangerZone

Congrats on 28-days sober! Keep it up!

About the husband, I'd tell him. I know if I was the husband I'd want to know and I am sure if the situation was reversed you'd want to know.

If you explain what happened and that you are now quitting drinking chances are he will forgive you eventually. You made a terrible mistake but it was not like you were having an affair.

You don't want to live your marriage with a secret like that in the back of your head all the time. If you don't tell him you might get away with it but it really is not fair to him and that is something that is probably going to lead to a lot of guilt. You see him probably everyday which could make the guilt worse eventually lead to drinking again.

That said I totally get why you wouldn't tell him and I would not judge you for that. I've done worse things in my life when I was drunk believe me but I'm just giving my 2-cents.

Anyway congrats again on 28-days sober!

AshleyB

Congrats on 28 days!

Hats

Congrats on 28 days
Just a thought and I'm by no means suggesting what you should or should not do but
Having all that guilt and shame on your shoulders and is heavy load to carry, it might cause you to drink again.

Gabe1980

28 days sober is awesome. I'm a blackout binge drinker and I've done some pretty horrendous things. I decided to quit after a serious blackout where I came to lying in a ditch at the side of the road. No idea where I'd been or how I got there. Or more importantly what I did. I get how you are feeling. You have a great start and the best of ammunition to fight your AV, just remember what you are capable of when drinking. I do think guilt can eat you up inside and make you vulnerable to all kinds of things. It's a big secret to carry. Maybe too big. Love and support to you. And be kind to yourself. We really all do make mistakes. Especially us folks on this forum!

Zanna

I agree! Also, if you do drink again, you could either do something even worse OR blurt out a confession. If you're going to confess, better to do it sober and with meaning x

Fourfiftyeight

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm feeling pretty clear headed today which is quite unusual for me. I've decided that I'm not going to confess. I'm going to move on, concentrate on staying sober and get my life back on an even keel.

I'm really determined to leave the past behind and focus on the present. I don't know why but my gut feeling is telling me that confessing all is a really bad idea. The friends I've confided in have agreed with me. By telling them I feel like I've lifted a bit of a weight off my shoulders. I've also had some phone counselling with Relate and that was really helpful.

I feel like it would help to join one of the "class of..." threads on here. This is quite a lonely journey and I could do with all the support I can get.