SparkleKitty

The very best thing you can do for yourself and for her is to focus on your own recovery and let her focus on hers--wherever those paths may lead you both.

Nowsthetime

Hello:

Sorry that you are hurting.

I also see a lot of red flags as far as your daughter "making you happy".

Nobody is reponsible for how we feel and I agree that it is wrong to put this pressure on her.

How's your recovery going? I feel that this should be priority number 1 for you right now.

Everything will work out, one way or another.

Pouncer

I second the suggestion of reading "Codependent No More." From your post, it seems a lot of your mental efforts are being used to control the feelings of other people. That statement about your daughter made me feel really sad. Children have the right to be individuals, separate from the needs of their parents. Do your best to make sure your daughter is not in a care-taking role during this crisis.

Like many alcoholics, I have codependent tendencies too and behaviors which seem to grow from a deep fear of being misunderstood. Finding that trigger was important.

I am sure it is not easy to hear criticisms when you came here for empathy - but we do understand. I hope you find some peace during all of this.

Hang in there. Let your wife heal - give her time.

Usingthe12

Hi folks. Sorry to have been away so long. Let me give an update. Ex got out last week and true to form of a selfish alcoholic, after pouring my heart and soul out to her in letters while she was in rehab, and her thanking me and telling me how much they meant to her, she has decided to not care about any of the pain she has caused to anyone when she drank, and has taken on the definition and traits of the classic "dry drunk". She has completely shut us out and if she does say anything all she talks about is her time in rehab. Like it was summer camp. Pathetic. She has immersed herself in AA meetings and has not set any kind of time table as to if and when she will even see our daughter. Nice huh? The selfishness of a recovering alcoholic is 10x worse than when she was active. She knows the pain she caused and she ignores those she can help by simply talking to them.
I will never forgive her for this. My daughter reaches out to her and is ignored. We told her while she was in how proud we are of her and what we are doing to recover ourselves. She was so "happy". All lies. She's just a pathetic drunk who abused people for years and continues to do so.
As far as my daughter making me happy. What I mean by that is my daughter and I have very similar interests in movies and music so we share those likes and it helps take our minds off of her hurtful, selfish, self absorbed mother.
Sorry to rant but I am absolutely pissed. Go ahead everyone. Let me have it.

Dee74

I think having expectations of how your partner should be acting is causing you a lot of pain.

I assume you still want this person in you and your childs life?

Have you tried to open up a dialogue with her - an non accusatory, non judgmental, non resentment filled dialogue?

D

ps I'm not saying you're to blame here or that your wife is blameless.

But the only actions I can control are my own.

If you want to keep this person in your life you're going to have to try and deal with them even handedly, listen to what they say, and try not to drive any wedges between you, your daughter, and them.

It's a tough call, but it's a call you can only really ask of yourself, not someone else.

That may not be fair either but life often isn't fair.

If you ultimately decide it's not in your best interests to have this person in your or your daughters life, thats entirely your call - at least you can say you did everything humanly possible.

D

DontRemember

My ex wife was addicted to pills(might still be?). I took full custody of my daughter when she was 4 and never looked back. My daughter resents her mother and has very little to do with her. She also has some resentment towards me from my drinking. The only thing I can change is myself. EVERYTHING else is not mine to control. Look after yourself,live a good honest life and let the rest fall where it falls. What other choice is there?

Berrybean

She has come out of rehab and immersed herself in AA. Isn't that a GOOD thing?? Did you expact her to come out after a month and everything to be sorted?? I'm sorry - but it takes longer than that. It is more cmplicated and difficult than that.

You know - I really do suspect that you're only hearing what you want to hear from people here and at Al-Anon. Taking the bits that fit in with your proconceieved ideas, desires and expectations. It might be time to ditch those old ideas, lay your expectations aside, get a sponsor and do your own recovery work (12-step) so you have an understanding of what she's doing at AA. That recovery work continues. Alcoholics don't just have a month away, get better and come home to watch movies and clean the house. It's likely that at first she will continue to need daily meetings and phone calls with her sponsor, as well as quiet time to do reflection work, prayer, and perhaps meditation. This will no doubt lessen over the years, but she will ALWAYS be an alcoholic. The choice is to do the work or risk relapse.

You say she is acting like a 'dry drunk'. Thing is, at a month sober and just out of rehab she WILL be acting like a 'dry drunk' (a term that is accusatory by the way as it suggests she isn't doing any work, which she is clearly trying to do if she's immersing herself in AA) - it takes a while to learn the tools of sobriety and start applying them to daily life. Months. And although she's been physically recovering, the work on her her emotional and cognitive state has barely started. And it is unlikely to be about you, ever. This needs to be HER thing. Her alcoholism. Her recovery. Her work.

I'm sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear.

I wish both of you all the best for your respective recoveries.

BB