herculana

I am reposting something I posted in my other sobriety group. I am also posting my response to another person about spiritual growth while we are actively drinking, and if its possible. I am NO EXPERT on sobriety, and I do know that. I am a babe in the woods in this journey.

But my actual work in my public life is as a spiritual writer (I just did a radio interview, in fact, on my writing). It is my passion and it is how I process.

Its interesting to be on the path I am, and to have been on that path while I was actively drinking. It will take much time for me to understand all the whys and hows of that.

But I thought this might be a good share here, nontheless.... If only as a way to stay connected here for the sake of my sobriety... and to possibly help another who reads this.

Starts Here:


An important insight, which Ive never put into words till now, and which I saw in my own NDE (something that happened to me as a teen)...

It is this, and its the absolute truth...

You are already all that you ever wanted to be. This isnt some nice self-help phrase, it is the CONCRETE truth. It is the eternal, unchanging truth.

You are TRULY allowed (if you can give yourself permission, thats the kicker, you need to accept it YOURSELF)... You are TRULY ALLOWED to experience this profound truth right now. And forever more.

Its yours by birthright... these things are yours: Your worthiness, your completeness, your astonishing very REAL beauty, your riches, the love that is YOURS, all of time is yours, freedom is yours. Intelligence. Genius. Eternity is yours. Eternal LOVE is yours.

YOU ARE INNOCENT... and...

It all belongs to you.

BELONGS. TO. YOU.

What you WANT to BE, you already ARE.

You are a child of the omnipotent cosmos.

So... You will likely read this, and you may agree on a very deep level, and if you do, you will experience a moment or two of bliss. Or you may fight this truth, wanting to believe it, but not seeing any evidence in your own heart or life, and so it may cause you to grieve and agonize. Or, you might be one of the ones who flat out disagree... point blank.

But none of those thoughts about whether it is true or not matter one bit to what is REAL.

Its true whether or not you believe it, or feel it, right now.

But I suggest only that you allow the IDEA (as a seed) to plant itself in your mind. Leave it alone.

It will grow all on its own.

Thats FAITH. That is exactly what faith is.
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After I posted that, I felt insecure about sharing it here, wondering if my post had anything good in it that applied to the purpose of this site, which is sobriety and support.

But it does. Because one of the biggest problems we each have (and we are not alone, all humans have this) is not FEELING WORTHY. Not feeling like we are enough. Not feeling that we are OKAY just as we are.

But in my own spiritual experience (a near death experience that occurred in my teens) I saw the total hogwash of all of that.

I was and will always be under the spell of fear when i submit to the belief that I am not beautiful as I am, worthy, as I am, powerful, as I am, innocent, good, as I am, capable as I am, or that my path is THE WRONG PATH.

No matter where I am in my life, drunk or not.... I am dearly worthy to God, and I should KNOW THIS and operate from that place of utter self acceptance.

Or, at the very least, i should try always to remember this.

It is a life long struggle to remember these truths, and it is so for every single human I know. Drunk or not.
But drunks often feel as if on some deep and secret level, that they are evil... They worry dreadfully that they are BAD on the inside.

We are all afraid that we are not good enough. But its simply not true. We are good enough.

The belief/fear that we are NOT good enough is one of the huge reasons we ever drank. So it makes sense to work on that one root issue. To remember that WE ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

If we always felt "good enough" ... We never would drink. Because drink would feel like the poison it is... with every sip we took.

It would not feel like an improvement... to be drunk. It would feel gross to someone who was not already in pain on some level.

I do not reserve my spiritual growth only for times when i was sober. During every hangover, I prayed to God like my life depended on it, and while God did not immediately answer my prayer and make me magically embrace sobriety the first time, nor the 200th time I was hungover (God did not magically make me quit drinking overnight, is what I mean)...
God DID work in my life, over and over, through it all.

I still had spiritual communion with God. I still learned things from God while I was drinking.

God is with us when we are "messing up" or going in "the wrong direction" ... and we are often WITH GOD even MORE closely through our individual sorrows, our dark secrets and struggles... Because WE NEED GOD so obviously through those times.

One could even say that when life is GRAND and EASY, many of us forget God totally... that is... until times get hard again.

So yes, I spiritually grew while drinking. Spiritual growth often happens while we are sick and struggling.

But I am now feeling courageous enough, with the help from my groups, and with God, to walk without that crutch (the crutch, that, with each step, maimed me more and more, weakened me more and more.)

I do not yet know what sober life will look like spiritually. I expect it will be profoundly better and far more balanced... (already is, although sometimes my AV tells me it will be better with a drink! Such an adept liar it is.)

But God is certainly with us as we are drinking, and knowing this might help someone who is feeling stuck in their addiction. I know I would have committed suicide LONG AGO if I did not have God walking beside me in the thick of my addiction.

Thanks for reading. Thoughts or (gently, please) pointing out my blind spots welcome.

2ndhandrose

I am not pointing out your "blind spots" but I will share a bit of my own experience.

In my experience, I became born again many, many years ago. And, I drank for many, many years. I believe that God was with me for all of that time. He performed outright miracles in my life during that time. God never moved from me but I moved from God. My addiction was a very effective wall between us.

In my experience, I don't believe I had any spiritual growth, per se, while I drank. I never forgot God, but my spirit was drowning in my addiction. Once I removed the alcohol (and I believe God removed the addiction, once I invited Him to do so) my spirit started to wake up and come alive again. It didn't happen immediately, it has been a process. My hunger for God grows by the day now. While I still drank, all I felt was fear and doubt.

I am beyond grateful that God never left me and He never gave up on me.

tealily

Herculana,

Thank you for sharing this deeply personal and insightful post. I am so happy that you are feeling more courageous, as you say, and absolutely "worthy" .. worthy to live without the crutch of alcohol.

God's grace is an awesome thing. Available to all of us. Recently I was reminded of the parable of the farmer throwing seeds, on rocky soil, rich soil, weak soil.. It's not so much about what kind of "soil" we are, making ourselves "worthy".. but that God is extravagant and generous in his grace. We are worthy. He meets all of us wherever we are.

I"m so excited for you and what lies ahead!

BixBees505

Herculana, it did take courage to share this. I appreciate it deeply, and it speaks to me. I feel that actively drinking postponed my participating in the work of grace, not that it prevented grace visiting good things on me. The perspective you expressed recalls an idea that stayed with me from a very brief church life as a teen. (Thank you, Dr. Gordon Fee.) That idea is that we live in the "already" and the "not yet". "Even NOW are we the children of God...and it does NOT YET appear what we shall be."

PS. I also LOVE your tagline by Lamott.