nileruns

This may end up being long but I want to get it off my chest. I've probably been an alcoholic since my teens, going by standard definitions of my behavior. I've only identified as an alcoholic for the past five years.

I started drinking in my teens, not due to alcohol cravings or genetic disposition, but because that was what the cool kids did. I called it partying back then. I led a normal life for the most part, but I'd party with my friends whenever that chance arose. I failed out of college on my first attempt, entirely due to my partying ways.

In my 20s, the partying continued with a small group of friends. Still I was leading a mostly normal life. I worked a steady job and when my friends were going out to party I'd join them. Eventually I married a woman from that group of friends and settled down. I stopped going out to party with friends, but this is where I believe the transition to "actual" alcoholic began. I'm not here to quibble about the definition of what an alcoholic is -- just explaining my own mindset as I went down this path.

We both enjoyed "partying" in the same way since we were already used to doing it in our social circle, and we continued the trend in our marriage. Basically, be mostly responsible during the week and then get blind drunk every weekend and some weeknights if either of us had a stressful day at work. Every non-work activity we did would involve alcohol and we enjoyed it together. I never saw a problem at the time because I didn't think I was an alcoholic, I was just someone who liked to drink. In my mind, alcoholics were the people who were physically dependent on alcohol. I was going to work every day, had gone back to college and was doing really well in every area of my life.

That marriage crumbled for reasons other than alcohol. That was probably when I began to medicate with alcohol. I still remained responsible in my career and I still denied there was a problem. I was bored, lonely and single so I'd go to the bar to get drunk and socialize.

I then met a wonderful woman about 5 years ago. We were a perfect match in every way, including our love of alcohol. However, neither of us identified as alcoholics, nor did either of us perceive it as a problem. We were two great drinking buddies. Throughout our years together, we began increasing the frequency of our drinking and the amount that we drink until we got to the point where we were quickly drinking every day and extremely heavily. For the first time in my life, I was able to view myself as an alcoholic, not just a guy who likes to drink.

We both realized we would need to make some changes and we kept setting dates for when we'd stop drinking. "We'll stop when the new year gets here" or "We'll stop after our vacation.". The reality has been that we've never had a reason to stop. My career has progressed to the point where we are extremely financially stable. I still somehow manage to perform well in my profession. There have been no obvious consequences to our alcoholism. Well, until this past weekend.

We went on a typical, major two-day bender. Basically, if we were awake, we were drunk. We barely ate anything the entire weekend. This was quite normal for us and was actually planned in advance. We even looked forward to our drunken weekend. Except this time was different. My wife suffered what could have been a serious medical issue as a direct result of 48 straight hours of drinking and not eating anything.

So, this brings me to today. I was sober all day yesterday and we both poured out all the booze in our house while my wife was recovering. We both agreed that this needs to be our wake-up call, but I'm worried because we've both known for years that we needed to stop drinking. We'd talk about it but never do it. We'd make plans to only drink on weekends or special occasions, but we'd never do it.

I don't know what to expect after today. What if my wife wants to start drinking again? What if I get cravings? How do I make sure I don't forget how this weekend scared the Hell out of me? Am I never going to have another drink ever? Will I eventually be able to enjoy a couple beers with a meal, or is that not who I am?

I realize nobody here can answer those questions for me. I know the answer already -- I have a serious problem with alcoholism and I am incapable of controlling it so I really need to never drink again. What I would like, however, is some guidance from someone who has been in my shoes.

Basically, what comes next?

Midwest1981

Hi!

welcome to SR! You will learn a lot on these forums. Read as much as you can. You should come up with a plan. Have you thought about AA? You could go to a meeting and see if you like it.

Hopefully this is your wake up call because things do progress and get worse as time goes on. Your body doesn't recover from those binges like it did when it was younger.

If your wife doesn't decide to get sober you still should do everything you can to gain your sobriety. It will be hard but eventually she will probably see how good you feel and want it too.

It will be a big adjustment but it does get easier. A big thing will be filling in your time with something else. I did that with the gym. I hope you come up with a good plan for next weekend. You should start planning now something to do that is different.

Bobbieka

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

This is a good place to start. Having a plan is important. Your story sounds a lot like mine and others here. It was okay until it wasn't.

Joining the current class has helped me tremendously. May 2017 for you. You will be with others at the same place in recovery helping each other out.

Seriously, read through the link, develop a plan.

Welcome to SR, nileruns.

least

Welcome to the family. I suggest you get sober for good, for yourself, no matter what your wife does. You might set an example for her to follow in your footsteps.

There's lots of support here. Take advantage of it.

nileruns

Thank you for the quick feedback. I definitely *want* to remain sober, but that's me talking after one day of sobriety. I'm just so used to alcohol being an integral part of my lifestyle I don't know where to even begin to change that. I actually did try to stop a couple times during the past 5 years. I even managed to go a few days at a time without drinking and it felt great. Every time, I'd quickly fall back into my old ways.

I guess there are two components of it for me:

1. I do get cravings, regardless of what's going on in my life. When I get those cravings (every day during my drive home from work) they make me want to drink for non-fun reasons.

2. I mentally associate alcohol with good times. How am I going to react when it's a beautiful Saturday, the sun is shining, I have no other responsibilities and I want to relax by the pool all day?

Mentally, I know that I need to stop drinking and I know that I want to stop drinking. At the same time, I can't imagine a life without drinking while doing the things that I enjoy. I feel confident after one day of sobriety at this moment. But I've managed to go a couple days in a row without getting drunk before. I feel like I want to quit but will continue to make excuses and justify things until my liver actually fails. Even then I could probably drum up an excuse.

Oh well. I will read the links you provided. I will attempt to update with tales of my success or lack thereof.

Thanks again for your votes of support.

JScatt

You are worrying about something that hasn't happened yet which causes anxiety which makes you want to drink, gotta take this one day at a time.
Every single one of us on here can relate to the alcohol running our lives thing, "how can I do that without drinking, its impossible!". But here we are, sober enjoying life without booze.
You are just going to have to skip the activities that are triggers, for awhile anyway.
You've already gotten through the dreaded day one, just keep it up.
After a 3 or 4 sober days you will start to feel better mentally and physically and that will keep you going!

MrPL

Hi nileruns,

My story is similar to yours, with ththe exception of having my wife as a drinking buddy.

What I had to realise is that recovery is not something you do half hearted. You either go for it full on or you go for it full on.

I also associate with your trouble in replacing you main source of entertainment, but this is perfectly possible, you just need a good plan and all your will power.

As for what you ll do on a sunny Saturday afternoon, well, beer is also beer and does the same to you on a rainy Tuesday evening, so surely most of the pleasure come from the weekend and the sun, not the alcohol? I promise you will find enjoyment in ways you can't imagine at the moment.

I ve been sober nearly 9.5 months now, and honestly can't understand how I didn't realise how much was missing by drinking as much as I did.

All the best.

P

PhoenixJ

YEP - LIKE BobbieKa said. She said something similar to me last year. She's the man. Welcome- good place this SR place.

Mizzuno

Sobriety is not a straight line into freedom. It has its ups and downs. I dont crave alcohol but in the beginning I had to adjust to the changes that I had made. Life is not boring without "partying" on the weekends. In fact, my life has become quite productive and healthy. What was "partying" now looks like an unhealthy behavior that I allowed to continue in my life.

There is so much more to do with the few hours one would spend drinking. Clear head in the morning. Remembering the night. Remembering the day. Energy.

It sounds like a serious change is in order with what happened to your wife. These situations only get worse if the drinking continues. Just an opinion.

This is coming from someone who drank despite knowing that they were an alcoholic.

nileruns

I began reading some of the material on this site and it's been very helpful. This is day two of being sober for both of us, and it's currently the evening which is when we'd normally be going full-tilt. We have both decided that we want to do this together. One thing we did this evening was to download a spending report from one of our credit cards to analyze our prior alcohol expenditures. Over the past year just on one credit card and not counting going out to bars, we spent $4900USD on alcohol. We spent at least $5K last year slowly killing ourselves.

HTown

You know the answers, but it seems you are not happy about it. You sound scared about never having a drink again. I was scared over the years I tried to moderate in every possible way. Scared I was never going to be able to drink again. You head says no, but in your heart, you want to drink. You do not want the reality. I get it. I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I do not think you personally are there yet. You do not have to go all the way down the road, we have all been down that road, some further than others. It always ends the same. A really bad road. A bad way to go. It just gets worse. Your health declines, the scare with your wife is just the tip of the iceberg.

I drank just like you, I realized I could not continue. Best thing I ever did was stop the cycle. I stopped drinking. I drank to get drunk. I do not want one beer. I want a lot of beer and I drink till I pass out. You do not see it, but you have been given a gift, a wake-up call.

I wish I had someone to partner with, to help me. You and your wife can be a strong team, but you have to want it. Read here. Post here. We have all had our ups and downs, but you will see that we are happier and healthier sober. It is just a year for me, but I feel so good. You can do this, if I can, anyone can.

Hevyn

Welcome nilruns! Congrats on your Day 2.

My former husband & I were drinking buddies too - it was part of everything we did. Weekend drinking eventually carried over into the rest of the week. I would be so shaky after a weekend binge that I'd have more to calm myself down. In the end, and just before I found SR, I was drinking 24/7 with a ruined life. This doesn't need to happen to you. It really helps to talk things over here. You can do this.

DesertDawg

Hi, Nile...since I got sober, one of the best tools I've learned is to basically reverse the mental association that you mentioned. I "play the tape forward." If I'm tempted to drink, I visualize the inevitable conclusion. I know that I won't stop after drinking a moderate amount...It'll be game on, and I will proceed to blackout.

I know how that will turn out: I'll wake up either with a horrible hangover that I need to keep drinking to keep in check, or if I need to go to work, I'll have to do it feeling like grim death, suffering withdrawal. At best it feels miserable -- at worst it can be fatal. I was hospitalized with seizures twice before I got help. But even without the seizures, I remember the days of trying to get ready for work with my head throbbing, heart pounding, nauseous, dripping with sweat, shaking like a leaf, unable to concentrate, face bloated, etc. I am so afraid of ever going through that again, and it automatically comes to the forefront of my mind if I consider drinking.

nileruns

This. Exactly this. This is something that I was attempting to verbalize but wasn't able to. Your words are exactly my thought process. Thank you for being able to put my thoughts and feelings into words.

HTown

I am glad I understood. Believe me, we all get it here. I read every single post here when I found this site. The stories are my stories. They are our stories.

For me, I had to want to be sober more than anything else. I stopped and started so many times. This last time, I was ready. I was done. What I realize now, what I want to tell you, is that I wasted so much time, money, health etc. by drinking.

I was wrong to be scared, to feel like I was giving up something good. Alcohol is a lie. It is not good, it is not my reward, it is a dead-end. Life, it is just so much better without that monkey on my back.

That shame, that guilt, that disappointment in myself when I fail to moderate. All of those empty promises I really really meant, but could not keep not to drink or to drink less. That worry, that stress, all gone. So happy now. So strong. It is hard at first, change up your routine. Go to a movie after work. Walk around the block. Rent a hotel and have fun times in bed. Do different things and break the habit.

Do not make drinking your main hobby. Someone posted that, it really resonated with me. Good luck

Kiwidub

Everything in moderation, except alcohol. I think that sums up the alcoholic and the sober person, it's just that the sentence means two completely different things to the same person, depending on where they are in their life. I know I can't moderate, so I don't drink. My life is much much richer and don't miss alcohol at all. If you want sobriety, it's there for the taking, but you have to work for it and you have to want it.

Good luck

Nowsthetime

Hi and welcome!!!

What comes next is that the work begins. You start educating yourself about alcoholism and recovery and start building a tailor-made plan that works for you. Participate here and commit. I was ready when I quit. You sound ready too. I'm so glad you found us because this place has really helped me help myself. Another thing I would like to mention is not to worry about the future and what ifs. Focus on today and on your plan not to drink.

Hope to see you around!

wesfreiderich

Nileruns, thank you. I want to tell you 3 simple things. Trace it, face it, erase it. If you can do that, you have a chance. Admit to yourself that you are alcoholic, that's the first step. Denial WILL kill you. Look at the origins of it. There are reasons for everything. Finally, erase it. You need to make new friends, a new network of people that will help you "party" the right way. No one knows how to party like people in recovery. You and your wife deserve to be happy. You can do this w/o alcohol. If you admit to yourself, that is the first step. Its a hard thing to know you can never have alcohol again, not even in foods. It gets easier with time