herculana

Thanks folks. I am actually very much aware (on the broader level, despite moments of fear about the future) of how fortunate i am. I am truly wealthy in some really ridiculously abundant ways that do not involve money. And I had to, early in my life, develop the proper spiritual perspective to be able to soar through life the way I do. Had I not developed that spiritual perspective and that open hopeful mindest, I would be dead by now. I would have ended my life. Thats not a joke. I was very close to doing that as a teenager.
I grew up in an unconventional, amazingly loving, and wildly dysfunctional family. I wont get into my whole history here, but suffice it to say, I got strength, talent and zany magic from them, as well as a lot of very severe wounds (this goes not just for me, but my siblings were also terribly wounded, too).

I am FREE. And I know I chose this freedom, and I chose it over security. Over and over. I could never settle down with a guy because the conditions I felt placed on me were too restricting for my free spirit. That, and I was attracted to other alcoholics, or people who ALSO had issues with the inner fight between Freedom and Commitment (this isnt about cheating, either, thats not what I mean when i say FREEDOM)... So the relationships never lasted over 5 years, and they each became increasingly dysfunctional.

I have always made the best of things, and even now I see my situation as incredibly fortunate. I happen to live in an incredibly beautiful victorian apartment in one of the more desirable areas of one of the most expensive cities to live in in the world. And.... on a tiny income, Ive been making this work through my own resourcefulness and outside the box thinking for 7 years.

Ive traveled, Ive loved a-plenty, Ive rock climbed, hiked in beautiful places, I taught myself how to be an incredible chef, I am loving, and I can be funny and make my friends laugh, and I am often the shoulder others cry on. And I have been published, I am a great writer, and I did that ALL BY MYSELF (I dropped out of school at 15, and have no other formal education to speak of).

In certain areas of my life I have a CAN DO ATTITUDE that is unmatched.

In other areas, I need to learn to have that same can-do attitude. And I am trying to work on those areas RIGHT NOW by getting sober.

And lastly, while I DO sometimes get really acute fear and sorrow over not having figured out how to have a family of four little kids and a loving husband... I actually am truly not that interested anymore in finding a partner (for now). Its too much work, and I have come to realize I absolutely ADORE my solitude and my freedom.

Being alone feels down right luxorious these days.

My reason for being upset is an old reason that dates WAY back to my sad elementry school years. Being a perceived as a weirdo, as different, as strange, and being judged and shoved in a box for it.

The feeling of others judgment has been a really tough one my whole life and I was probably spoiled by my family in this regard. I was the youngest by 10 years (my siblings are all much older than me... over 10 years older) and so no one ever judged or competed with me, I was just totally adored, loved and accepted exactly as I was (and also neglected often, lol).

Anyway, I deeply appreciate the replies and the efforts youve all made to set my thinking straight.
I AM super sensitive right now. Only on day 3 and the AV is definitely getting very loud.

Group hug, and thank you again.

teatreeoil007

Thanks for your post, OP. Sounds like you've got a lot figured out and have done some awesome, enriching things. Getting married and having a passle of kids hasn't happened, but maybe you wouldn't have been happy that way anyway. Unfortunately, sadly, a lot of mothers out there are truly NOT fulfilled...and I find that sad. Or they live their lives vicariously through their children or become very controlling and pushy of their children and don't see them as separate beings.

We ran into a couple of ladies from our church to other night at a restaurant and spontaneously decided to eat with them. They are both single, never been married, never had kids. Yet they seem happy and have peace. Had a nice time with them.

On the drive home my husband said, "I wonder why they never got married? But, they seem happy, so I guess that's all that matters, huh?". Well, the one I had known since I was a teenager and she was never big on men in general. She never found the right one and did not try hard to....she's always valued her independence and freedom and solitude and simplicity. At the end of "day" I think most people crave solitude.

When the "empty nest" hit me someone made a comment once like, "How are you going to deal with the empty nest?" (like it was going to be a 'problem'). I was like, "Are you frickin' kidding me? It's going to be a lot more quiet and the house will stay clean longer." I hope that doesn't sound like I'm a bad mother or anything. But for myself the empty nest has definitely not been empty. (smile)

teatreeoil007

The feeling of others judgment has been a really tough one my whole life and I was probably spoiled by my family in this regard. I was the youngest by 10 years (my siblings are all much older than me... over 10 years older) and so no one ever judged or competed with me, I was just totally adored, loved and accepted exactly as I was (and also neglected often, lol).

Ah! Birth order is a big deal. You remind me a bit of my youngest sibling. She was doted on more than any of us. She was adorable from babyhood up, etc, etc. But she was the youngest by a lot and she missed out on that commraderie closeness in age brings. She ended up feeling a loneliness. She ended up feeling like she missed out on a lot and felt left out too....And, people misunderstood that because many of them just viewed her as the spoiled baby.

I was the middle child. My oldest sibling who loves to analyze everyone to death told me once I was the "lost child". of the family; the one people sort of left alone? (but at least they didn't put me in a box, either).Oh, really? This was news to me, if it was even true.....Was that such a bad thing? No, I don't think it really ended up being bad. The lost child in some ways is less shackled. So, I became a free spirit too. I fit in at school, but I didn't fit in either, if that makes sense. I didn't really care a whole helluva lot what other people thought. Maybe I got that attitude from my dad, who truly was bullied until he WASN'T bullied any longer and didn't seem to give a rat's arse what people thought of him...well, he cared a little bit...