Just found this site today......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 1
Just found this site today......
Today I found this site. I have struggled with alcohol my whole life and it has ruined a lot of things for me and especially my children. The shame of things I've done is what drives me back to booze - to forget. I need to change. I can feel my liver screaming at me. There's a dull ache in my abdomen where it is. I hope it's not too late for me.
I am overwhelmed by the thought of completely stopping drinking and am trying to convince myself I can drink normally if I really try even though I know historically this does not work. My life with my significant other of two years revolved around drinking, although he doesn't hide bottles of vodka around the house like I do. I love him but think I may have to finish with him in order to quit drinking as our relationship would completely change. I'm feeling overwhelmed and panicked but I have to stop. Why can't I just be like everybody else? I made a list today of all the bad things I've done drunk (that I can remember). It makes me want to die of shame. I'm rambling so will stop. I feel lost.
I am overwhelmed by the thought of completely stopping drinking and am trying to convince myself I can drink normally if I really try even though I know historically this does not work. My life with my significant other of two years revolved around drinking, although he doesn't hide bottles of vodka around the house like I do. I love him but think I may have to finish with him in order to quit drinking as our relationship would completely change. I'm feeling overwhelmed and panicked but I have to stop. Why can't I just be like everybody else? I made a list today of all the bad things I've done drunk (that I can remember). It makes me want to die of shame. I'm rambling so will stop. I feel lost.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Welcome, Julie! Sobriety is a paradoxical journey. They say don't make any big decisions, but change EVERYTHING to get sober i.e. stay alive. It will make sense eventually.
So glad you're here and posting. Don't worry about "rambling"; we get it 100% and appreciate what you share
So glad you're here and posting. Don't worry about "rambling"; we get it 100% and appreciate what you share
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
Welcome to SR, Julie; so very glad you found us.
I couldn't imagine a life without drinking, either.
I had reached the point, however, where a life with drinking had become more frightening than a life without drinking.
What I found on sobriety was an exponentially better life.
Stay close.
We are here for you.
I couldn't imagine a life without drinking, either.
I had reached the point, however, where a life with drinking had become more frightening than a life without drinking.
What I found on sobriety was an exponentially better life.
Stay close.
We are here for you.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR.
Such a list can serve a recovery purpose, but that purpose is not to kill you with shame.
You said that you can't quite grasp never drinking and you hold on to the hope that you can one day drink "normally" whatever that is. A list such as yours, rather than shame, should galvanize to accept that you have serious problem with alcohol and that the solution to that problem is never drinking again. Ever.
Your addiction is going to balk at such a thought. But I'm here to tell you, there is freedom and abounding blessings in not being enslaved to alcohol.
Originally Posted by Julie156 
I made a list today of all the bad things I've done drunk (that I can remember). It makes me want to die of shame.
You said that you can't quite grasp never drinking and you hold on to the hope that you can one day drink "normally" whatever that is. A list such as yours, rather than shame, should galvanize to accept that you have serious problem with alcohol and that the solution to that problem is never drinking again. Ever.
Your addiction is going to balk at such a thought. But I'm here to tell you, there is freedom and abounding blessings in not being enslaved to alcohol.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Welcome! I had feelings very much like yours when I stopped drinking, too. It's really hard to face the things we've done and not done, while drinking. But, we can do the hard stuff. You can do this.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Welcome, Julie 
Please don't beat yourself up. All we can do is move forward and do what we need to do to avoid repeating old mistakes.
There is a wonderful life on the other side of quitting alcohol.
It is not easy but it is so worth it ♥
I hope you stick around, there is lots of real, practical help on this site.
Please don't beat yourself up. All we can do is move forward and do what we need to do to avoid repeating old mistakes.
There is a wonderful life on the other side of quitting alcohol.
It is not easy but it is so worth it ♥
I hope you stick around, there is lots of real, practical help on this site.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Welcome Julie.
This site and AA combined is what has made it possible for me to stay sober and learn new ways to deal with life.
My partner (and oldest drinking buddy) is still out there, and admittedly my getting sober has changed things a lot. He misses me drinking with him, but not the screaming arguments in the street, or financial mayhem, or my inappropriate flirting or rages and jealousies. At the weekend evenings he does his thing and I make sure that I treat myself well, work on my recovery and spend time with some of my sober friends. That way I'm not resentful about him still drinking, and the time we do spend together is positive. I'm so glad that I decided not to chuck the baby out with the bathwater now, although it has been challenging at times and a real exercise in love and acceptance.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
This site and AA combined is what has made it possible for me to stay sober and learn new ways to deal with life.
My partner (and oldest drinking buddy) is still out there, and admittedly my getting sober has changed things a lot. He misses me drinking with him, but not the screaming arguments in the street, or financial mayhem, or my inappropriate flirting or rages and jealousies. At the weekend evenings he does his thing and I make sure that I treat myself well, work on my recovery and spend time with some of my sober friends. That way I'm not resentful about him still drinking, and the time we do spend together is positive. I'm so glad that I decided not to chuck the baby out with the bathwater now, although it has been challenging at times and a real exercise in love and acceptance.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Welcome Julie
I thought a life without booze would be dull grey and painful.
I imagined a life where I'd have to constantly deprive my essential nature.
In fact I found another me, a me I'd forgotten existed - and a life full of happiness and peace.
The initial transition phase is not much fun- but it passes and it's worth it
D
I hoep you decide to go for it.
I thought a life without booze would be dull grey and painful.
I imagined a life where I'd have to constantly deprive my essential nature.
In fact I found another me, a me I'd forgotten existed - and a life full of happiness and peace.
The initial transition phase is not much fun- but it passes and it's worth it
D
I hoep you decide to go for it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Writing down what you have done while drinking could help in recovery, as it gives a reminder to what has happened while under the influence. The list could also not be helpful so early on as it only will produce shame and embarrassment which emotionally and mentally only keeps a person down.
Focusing on these early days with nurture and self love can be very instrumental in your mindset towards sobriety.
I know what i did while under the influence. I feel those things for what they are and I move on from them. I forgive myself for these mistakes and know that if I was not under the influence, I would not have made the decisions I made or created the damage I did. Forgiveness towards one self is powerful on this road and it speaks volumes. Please be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself as you would a family member or friend.
Any major decisions should be given time to make. Time is a gift. You may be able to look at your life differently after you have gained sober time. Walking away from alcohol is a huge change. I would focus on that step solely. Let the rest take care of itself.
Focusing on these early days with nurture and self love can be very instrumental in your mindset towards sobriety.
I know what i did while under the influence. I feel those things for what they are and I move on from them. I forgive myself for these mistakes and know that if I was not under the influence, I would not have made the decisions I made or created the damage I did. Forgiveness towards one self is powerful on this road and it speaks volumes. Please be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself as you would a family member or friend.
Any major decisions should be given time to make. Time is a gift. You may be able to look at your life differently after you have gained sober time. Walking away from alcohol is a huge change. I would focus on that step solely. Let the rest take care of itself.
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