Alone and scared, I don't want to drink anymore
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 504
The monster came back for awhile. I'm back to square one. Day 2. Blood pressure high and feeling pretty sick....dizzy. Trying to hydrate, but I'm bloated. Feeling defeated. Not sure what possessed me to crack the bottle again. Praying for health.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 504
My job was killing me with the perfume and cologne. I'm very sensitive to chemicals. HR was useless and began a mission to get me out of there. I decided to look for a job in CA to be closer to my family, and I actually Skyped and got an offer....was supposed to move back last month on the 10th. I decided to stick it out with this lame company here and it ended up that I'm not there any longer. I quickly got my resume out and got another job here in town the following week. I'm regretting not taking the job in CA....I think I was stressing out about driving back alone with the cats in the Uhaul. I felt...and still do, LOST. I don't know what I am doing in TX. Taking things day by day. What I am going to do different? I'll need a few days on that, but for now I'm giving myself a break on my past, my failures,....things that have bogged me down. I've had so much change so many times in my life it was driving me to really stress out and panic. I'll have to accept all the change that is in the future and go with it. I've had a divorce, lost all of our friends from that, had to move 9 times since 2015 due to 5 different jobs. My mother went psycho on me, my bothers and sister never call me anymore since the divorce, don't know why I drove out to TX alone leaving my home state. Here now and lost 2 jobs already from the perfume and cologne smells in the office. I haven't dated for 4 years...the list can go on. But I really do not want to die from this poison. I've mellowed out quite a bit and just need to stay focused and chill out. I'm very fortunate I got a job so quickly. I actually could choose to collect unemployment for the next 26 weeks and move back to CA and look for a job there....the UE would at least pay the rent and utilities. I do not know what to do. Decision making on my own is difficult at times, and sometimes I question why I do some of the things I do....and that has to stop.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi Lulu.
Sorry things have got complicated and messy for you right now. I know exactly what you mean about finding it hard to make decisions. I didn't realize in the past just how fear based my decision making had been. I'd get all determined and excited about whatever it was, then I'd get a waft of anxiety breeze in, and before I knew it that waft of anxiety had turned into a full blown smoke-screen of fear. Not that I recognised it as such at the time. Because the fear brought along loads of rationalisation (read excuses) for why I couldn't do what I'd origionally intended, and I believed my own rationalisation about it and got angry about all the stuff stopping me doing what I planned to do. This would happen with career changes etc. but also with smaller things like meeting friends for lunch.
Anyway. I hope you don't mind me saying this - it is in NO way a criticism - but your post feels full of anxiety and fear. Sending you a hug from across the world.
I don't really understand how the travelling across states works (it only takes a day to drive from the top of the UK to the bottom, so it's pretty hard for me to imagine). Maybe you could take advice from a vet about transporting your pets. Is it possible to sedate them for the journey? That's if you decide that you want to move to your home state.
Have you written a list of reasons for living in each place. Looking to the long term of living there rather than focussing on the difficulties of arranging that move. Moving is always going to be stressful, but you don't really want to live somewhere out of fear of moving.
It sounds like you are pretty isolated where you are at the moment. Could you perhaps get to some meetings, if only so you can talk through your ideas out loud. It can make big difference to voice things to someone. Or perhaps a life counsellor (if such a thing exists) to try to get to the bottom of what you really hope for your future, and ways of moving forward.
Take care LuluB.
BB
Sorry things have got complicated and messy for you right now. I know exactly what you mean about finding it hard to make decisions. I didn't realize in the past just how fear based my decision making had been. I'd get all determined and excited about whatever it was, then I'd get a waft of anxiety breeze in, and before I knew it that waft of anxiety had turned into a full blown smoke-screen of fear. Not that I recognised it as such at the time. Because the fear brought along loads of rationalisation (read excuses) for why I couldn't do what I'd origionally intended, and I believed my own rationalisation about it and got angry about all the stuff stopping me doing what I planned to do. This would happen with career changes etc. but also with smaller things like meeting friends for lunch.
Anyway. I hope you don't mind me saying this - it is in NO way a criticism - but your post feels full of anxiety and fear. Sending you a hug from across the world.
I don't really understand how the travelling across states works (it only takes a day to drive from the top of the UK to the bottom, so it's pretty hard for me to imagine). Maybe you could take advice from a vet about transporting your pets. Is it possible to sedate them for the journey? That's if you decide that you want to move to your home state.
Have you written a list of reasons for living in each place. Looking to the long term of living there rather than focussing on the difficulties of arranging that move. Moving is always going to be stressful, but you don't really want to live somewhere out of fear of moving.
It sounds like you are pretty isolated where you are at the moment. Could you perhaps get to some meetings, if only so you can talk through your ideas out loud. It can make big difference to voice things to someone. Or perhaps a life counsellor (if such a thing exists) to try to get to the bottom of what you really hope for your future, and ways of moving forward.
Take care LuluB.
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 504
Originally Posted by Berrybean 
Hi Lulu.
Sorry things have got complicated and messy for you right now. I know exactly what you mean about finding it hard to make decisions. I didn't realize in the past just how fear based my decision making had been. I'd get all determined and excited about whatever it was, then I'd get a waft of anxiety breeze in, and before I knew it that waft of anxiety had turned into a full blown smoke-screen of fear. Not that I recognised it as such at the time. Because the fear brought along loads of rationalisation (read excuses) for why I couldn't do what I'd origionally intended, and I believed my own rationalisation about it and got angry about all the stuff stopping me doing what I planned to do. This would happen with career changes etc. but also with smaller things like meeting friends for lunch.
Anyway. I hope you don't mind me saying this - it is in NO way a criticism - but your post feels full of anxiety and fear. Sending you a hug from across the world.
I don't really understand how the travelling across states works (it only takes a day to drive from the top of the UK to the bottom, so it's pretty hard for me to imagine). Maybe you could take advice from a vet about transporting your pets. Is it possible to sedate them for the journey? That's if you decide that you want to move to your home state.
Have you written a list of reasons for living in each place. Looking to the long term of living there rather than focussing on the difficulties of arranging that move. Moving is always going to be stressful, but you don't really want to live somewhere out of fear of moving.
It sounds like you are pretty isolated where you are at the moment. Could you perhaps get to some meetings, if only so you can talk through your ideas out loud. It can make big difference to voice things to someone. Or perhaps a life counsellor (if such a thing exists) to try to get to the bottom of what you really hope for your future, and ways of moving forward.
Take care LuluB.
BB
Sorry things have got complicated and messy for you right now. I know exactly what you mean about finding it hard to make decisions. I didn't realize in the past just how fear based my decision making had been. I'd get all determined and excited about whatever it was, then I'd get a waft of anxiety breeze in, and before I knew it that waft of anxiety had turned into a full blown smoke-screen of fear. Not that I recognised it as such at the time. Because the fear brought along loads of rationalisation (read excuses) for why I couldn't do what I'd origionally intended, and I believed my own rationalisation about it and got angry about all the stuff stopping me doing what I planned to do. This would happen with career changes etc. but also with smaller things like meeting friends for lunch.
Anyway. I hope you don't mind me saying this - it is in NO way a criticism - but your post feels full of anxiety and fear. Sending you a hug from across the world.
I don't really understand how the travelling across states works (it only takes a day to drive from the top of the UK to the bottom, so it's pretty hard for me to imagine). Maybe you could take advice from a vet about transporting your pets. Is it possible to sedate them for the journey? That's if you decide that you want to move to your home state.
Have you written a list of reasons for living in each place. Looking to the long term of living there rather than focussing on the difficulties of arranging that move. Moving is always going to be stressful, but you don't really want to live somewhere out of fear of moving.
It sounds like you are pretty isolated where you are at the moment. Could you perhaps get to some meetings, if only so you can talk through your ideas out loud. It can make big difference to voice things to someone. Or perhaps a life counsellor (if such a thing exists) to try to get to the bottom of what you really hope for your future, and ways of moving forward.
Take care LuluB.
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Originally Posted by LuLuBovary
...the list can go on.
But gunny sacking your troubles and drinking over them...that's not helping.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1
I was right there with you seven days ago. I thought I overdid it for the last time, and I wasn't going to be given a second chance. I was terrified. Ive been holding on to that fear to help me get through every day since sober. You can too! We got this!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,298
Hey Lulu, thanks for sharing, I appreciate that. It always helps to get things outside our heads. Our stinking thinking can really put us in a spiral sometimes. When I read your comments, first I'm glad there are others here that are wiser than me, but it sounds like you are in search of something. I don't know if it is space, or independence, maybe you are trying to find the new you after a divorce, and so many relational changes. I live 1000 miles from my entire family and have for decades. I tried being close with them, but it never was comfortable. They are good people, just different from me. I feel lonely everyday even with a family of my own, but I have learned to change my expectations of life. Lonely is no longer my greatest fear.....it's just life.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by LuLuBovary
.
I actually could choose to collect unemployment for the next 26 weeks and move back to CA and look for a job there....the UE would at least pay the rent and utilities..
I actually could choose to collect unemployment for the next 26 weeks and move back to CA and look for a job there....the UE would at least pay the rent and utilities..
wherever you go, there you are.
i did the geographical relocation program to help me stop drinking and make my life better. unfortunatly, i took myself with me every time and i was the only problem i had. ended up drinking again in short order every time.
then i got sick and tired of being sick and tired and went to AA. started working the program- lookin inside me; learning what made me tick.
and learned how to change that.
havent drank since, not haunted by my past failures or anything in my past, and rather happy today.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 504
I have thought about "it" following me wherever I go. I don't know if coming to Texas was in haste and out of wanting to leave CA with all the devastation after divorce. There is that cycle and that is what is THE problem. Today I am sober and I don't want to go back to that horrible spiral any longer. I came here because my friend lives near by and now she tells me she has been applying for jobs in Dallas (where her daughter just moved to). I would like to visit my family and be close, especially my mother who is now 86. IDK! I quit this last job, I took the first one that came along. Should have kept it? Idk. Hauling my things back to California is a 3 days trip and I've done it 3 times now. Twice here, once back. I certainly will not be super close to my family, but I could drive once or twice a month to visit. IDK! I do know that while drinking, one cannot make good decisions. And so I just have to hunker down and stay away from it. I'm now dealing with a breast cancer scare. I had a 3D mammogram and they are wanting my last mammogram (I have NO clue where it was taken)....or they can do an ultrasound. Feeling defeated and worried about everything. I'm flying out in 4 hrs to California to have an interview tomorrow morning. I am questioning everything I'm doing and it is maddening. Doing it all alone makes me feel sad and will it ever stop this being alone. I've lost drive and motivation. And now my breast feels like it hurts. I hope it's just scar tissue. All happening at once again. Flying out. Maybe moving, maybe not. I just want to be settled and feel safe. Especially for my cats. Really feeling I should have kept this last job, but it seemed as if I rushed into it. idk. Feeling panic about the flight and all the driving. I've become a recluse. I need to get over the divorce and loss of the house....and loss of friends.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,298
Hi LuLu. I'm praying for you right now! I'm sorry everything is messy. So many emotions swirling around in your heart and so many thoughts too. It does sound difficult and scary. Of all the many things swirling around, pick the thing you must do and focus there first. The things you could or might do are second. For example, taking care of your health is something you must do, but you don't have to move at this moment. You can if you chose to, but it is something you can control and set your schedule to. If you separate the must do things from the could do things, it may help relieve some of the urgency and confusion.
I think your last sentence was very insightful. You are still mourning the loss of many things in your life. I totally get that. It might be helpful to read about the 5 steps of mourning. It certainly was, and on many days continues to help me stay on center with loss of people and relationships in my life. No matter where you go, your heart is with you, so love yourself, encourage yourself and be around loving hearts as much as possible. Blessings my friend!!
I think your last sentence was very insightful. You are still mourning the loss of many things in your life. I totally get that. It might be helpful to read about the 5 steps of mourning. It certainly was, and on many days continues to help me stay on center with loss of people and relationships in my life. No matter where you go, your heart is with you, so love yourself, encourage yourself and be around loving hearts as much as possible. Blessings my friend!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 504
Thanks for all the words. I know my number one must do it to stay sober. I read 40 pages of 'Empowering Your Sober Self' (LifeRing) on the plane, and plan on finishing it tomorrow after the interview. I'm gonna just sit on the beach and read. Maybe the first time in a long time I didn't order a drink on a flight. Still not sure what the heck I'm doing, but I guess it's all for a reason. I think it's PEACE that I am looking for. And if I have breast cancer, I can always stay with my brother while I have the surgery. He said he would give me his master until I get it all worked out. Glad to be sober today.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi Lulu prayers hope and hugs from Wisconsin.. I know what you are going thro.. when we were in Florida and Ed got sick to bad.. I had to make that big decision and get us and cats home .. in a uhaul... took what I could and left the rest.. at least I had my Son and his big house.. to move too.. prayers Dear Heart so many prayers... funny I was a sample in stores for high end scent.. one got me drunk just spraying it on people had to stay with a manager for a weekend .. they were so nice. and I was a silly drunk.. but sold a ton of Liz Taylor White Diamonds.. ekekek.. I carry my home grown lavender in my pockets now. ahahahahahah
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