MarkTwain

Taplow, may I be honestly direct with you? You have almost no chance of stopping drinking if you try to go it alone.

Take your self-pity and negativity and tiresome attention seeking to a group of people with a drinking problem.......they will understand.

Nonsensical

I was completely sure that no one else ever felt like I did. Then I sat and listened to a room full of alcoholics share for an hour. Suddenly I was not alone in the world.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

dwtbd

I line up with the idea that reality is objective and perception is subjective. You stated that perception creates the reality, but to me that is really putting the cart before the horse, there has to be something before it can be perceived yeah ?
One objective fact is that some chemicals alter our perceptions and influence our faculties of dealing with those perceptions intellectually and emotionally. We quite literally think differently under the influence.
Factually today can be day one, the maybe part is subjective, rootin for ya.

FreeOwl

You're far from the first person to say these things.

Many of those people went on to embrace sobriety, face into their 'flaws', take actions in their lives to address and deal with them, and move on into a much better life than they ever believed or dreamed possible.

I don't think you're any different.

You won't see or hear it while you're drinking, for sure. Maybe you'll come back here sober and consider it.

I care. Even if you don't.

Because I know what's on the other side of this despairing place you're in, if only you can choose to reach out for it.

PhoenixJ

If you do not care, why bother posting?If I did not care- why did I reply?

taplow

Everything said above makes sense. I really, really appreciate it. I'm glad that people seem to know exactly how I feel. It's great to know, as you've all shown, that you understand, that you inhabit or have inhabited the same world. It makes a lot of difference. Who wants to be marooned somewhere on their own.
Unfortunately, for me, today I've let myself down again. I haven't gone mad though. But even so, I've given in.
I just want to get that first day out of the way. It's the hardest one, I think you'll agree. I always find it difficult because I see at as the last drink ever.
Anyway, I've just read through these thoughtful and kind replies and something's clicked in my head. I've understood that this forum is about teaching and learning as well as being a mutual support group. I think I'd thought of it as a thing where peer pressure will help you along. Not that that's not part of it all. It may be obvious to everyone else but I never looked at it like that.
You've let me know, and I understand of course, that I'm not special and not hopeless. I'm unique, aren't we all?
Funnily enough I don't feel so depressed about it. I feel I've got something extra in my armoury. We'll see. Try again tomorrow.

Best wishes all.

AnvilheadII

actually you ARE very special.....but that doesn't mean you are EXEMPT! alcohol is the great equalizer - we pretty much all look the same drunk and puking on our shoes.

i found that THINKING about getting sober was a lot harder that actually GETTING sober. it's like when i was a little kid and terrified of taking that first step onto the escalator. once i was ON however it was really kinda fun!

NewRomanMan

I know for me part of my issue while still drinking was I felt worthless. And to tell the truth, I kind of was. I was very lazy and self absorbed. The thing about getting sober and embracing recovery is that now I can help ppl. I can contribute to other ppl's lives in a positive way. And yes, I imagine most of them are small, maybe insignificant ways, but the point is, that takes away that worthless feeling for me. Makes me want to keep trying and be a better person. I don't know if this helps. Just my little perspective.

Midwest1981

You do get tired of fighting yourself about it ...that is why it is easy to get going in circles. You drink...you have a hangover...you drink again and before you know it many years have passed by. The good thing is you can get on the sobriety merry go round too...don't drink...next day don't drink....next day don't drink and before you know it you are in sobriety and feeling great. It can easily start going that way.

JustTony

One of the best and most accurate things I've read on here. And I have read a lot of good stuff on SR.

Taplow - I hope you find a way. Let's be honest? You don't post on a recovery forum if somewhere deep in your soul you don't want recovery. I certainly hope that's the case anyway.

JustTony

100% - That's me right there.

Luckily my wife virtually made me (if you're interested look for my first post. I was so angry with her on night one. Now I couldn't thank her enough as tomorrow I will be on day nine.

I couldn't have started without her help this time. I was sinking too deep. Try and find a friend - a group (AA?) anything to get you past night one.

UK here too by the way.

dwtbd

Given all of our uniqueness and lack thereof, what percentage of people who actually take their last drink, mourn that event in say a year ?
Personally, I rather celebrate the day I took my Beast's precious supply away and locked Its cage door shut. I haven't given up one thing of value, I deprived IT and gave myself the freedom of not living through the consequences of indulging ITs insatiable appetite. Only my AV saw that last drink as too precious to ever name. Your Beast hates that idea, and your AV has you convinced you hate it too.
Make tomorrow day one and see if you stilll hate the idea a year from now, I'd wager you'll celebrate that decision sooner than that.