dating and understanding a newly sober man

Old 03-26-2017, 06:39 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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dating and understanding a newly sober man

Hello, I am new to this group and i am looking for support, advice and education into this subject. My reason for joining and posting is over a recently sober man ending our relationship abruptly and out of nowhere.. but my whole life has been affected with alcoholism as my father was an A and passed away when i was 13 from driving drunk. soooo, this is a good time (34 years later) to really get some understanding and educate myself on this subject as i have been with two men in sobriety now and it has not been good. I was seeing someone recently who was an amazing man.. smart, funny, sweet , honest etc.. a true gentleman. It was magical , we had such a great connection right off the bat.. I knew all about his 4/5 month sobriety and was willing to be the support he needed. He was honest about an ex in which he said he was still friends with, which is fine...but as the day unfolds...the message becomes clearer.. His first reason for ending it is because he said it was taking away from his main focus of sobriety...I totally understood (even though I was sad ) i still understood and thought maybe later when he is further along, we can re-connect.. then all the mixed messages started coming in..the following reasons were... he had nothing to give and didnt want anything serious, wanting to do whaterever he wanted, didnt want to hurt my feelings, and then the EX reason came along.. he didnt want to feel bad for talking with her and me not liking it... rewind to the past... we talked about our future ALL THE TIME..things we would do together, places we would go, he would send me the nicest, sweetest messages about being so happy to have met me blah blah.... now this!! it came out of nowhere. Now I am soooo confused. Is this what an A does? Is this normal behavior? I feel like I was totally played and havent said much to him, as I want to get a better understanding on what is going on with people in sobriety... I really hope someone can shed some light on this... It really threw me for a loop

Thank you
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Old 03-26-2017, 06:52 PM
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Hi, arizona. Welcome to SR. I don't think you were played. I think that we are all over the place in early sobriety. Takes a while to sort things out.
I agree, though, that he could have been clearer about not seeing you anymore. Lots of excuses. But, again, early sobriety.
I have heard it said that alcoholics aren't the best relationship material, drinking or not. The longer I am on this site, the more I agree.
Anyway, sorry for your hurt. Things will feel better in a while.
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Old 03-26-2017, 07:19 PM
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Being an alcoholic male who is 5 years removed from drinking, I think you should look in another direction. Particularly because of the past with your father. Can an alcoholic be a good husband? Sure, but it takes years to balance your moods back out. Alcoholics are also very prone to relapse. If I was a single guy and just became sober, I could see it taking years to straighten myself back out to where I was ready for commitment. Why put yourself through that with so many guys out there to choose from?
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Old 03-26-2017, 07:47 PM
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That is good advice... I think its a "I can help him" kinda thing.. my nature is to make things better, but I usually end up with hurt feelings and confusion.. I have to keep telling myself that he is struggling with the newness of being sober and he is all over the place right now... Thank you for your insight
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Old 03-26-2017, 07:50 PM
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I'm sorry for your situation. I don't know if you've been played but it's probably best for you to distance yourself.

You might find that AlAnon is helpful for you, helping you to focus on caring for yourself.
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Old 03-26-2017, 08:03 PM
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Newly sober individuals can be emotionally unavailable because so much energy is spent on first breaking our addiction, then finding the selves we had lost or never gotten to know, there's a level of emotional maturity we never reached... We spent a long time numbing feelings with alcohol so now we don't know how to navigate the confusing waters of having developing feelings for somebody new, and having left over feelings for somebody else.. I am not sure that's easy for anybody..
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Old 03-26-2017, 10:44 PM
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Originally Posted by arizonadawn33 View Post
That is good advice... I think its a "I can help him" kinda thing.. my nature is to make things better, but I usually end up with hurt feelings and confusion.. I have to keep telling myself that he is struggling with the newness of being sober and he is all over the place right now... Thank you for your insight
Codependency is a pretty big problem as well along the lines with alcoholism. It sounds like you're seeking out people in recovery? Personally I don't think this is a good idea.
Like mentioned I think alanon would be a good idea to start attending.
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Old 03-27-2017, 02:26 PM
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Newly recovering addicts are advised, "No new relationships for at least one year". Reason being they are still trying to get their thinking straightened out and can sort of be all over the road map, have some confusion. If you're confused by this? Well, take that as a sign. He is probably confused too. Do you really want to have a relationship with someone this confused? When you never know what's really going on? As much as you are attracted to him and all, think about what is really BEST for you. You deserve the BEST. Sounds like the 'ex' is still a factor too that could be bothersome and create a bit of love triangle drama. You don't need that, you really don't. Take care, sweetie and check out the Friends and Family Forum here. You are on the right track trying to get some help for co-dependency.
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Old 03-27-2017, 03:03 PM
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I personally know that a relationship this early in my sobriety would likely lead to relapse, and it has nothing to do with the other member of the relationship.

Relationships can get complicated, and it's way too easy to go back to our cure-all for complication: alcohol.
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