I need help again
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
It took time for me to trust myself again too...it's not an event but a process...
staying sober (and having strategies and support in place to help that) is absolutely the right way to help make self-trust and self-determination bloom again Mera
staying sober (and having strategies and support in place to help that) is absolutely the right way to help make self-trust and self-determination bloom again Mera
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Mera....glad you had a good couple of days. Any drinking in there (curious, not judgmental)?
Just one note....you have a big heart, clearly, and do a lot of things for others. Perhaps a gentle reminder that - even including your kids- you need to (I'd dare say, must) focus on yourself first. For me, sobriety had to and still has to come before everything else. Including my darling bf. Including having a job that is not 9-5 (I work in a restaurant so my hours vary) and as that darling bf remarked the other day - "you couldn't have a 'regular' hours job and lead the kind of life in recovery and participation in AA that you do." Spot on. I am creating and working to maintain a life where everything I choose, do, allow, etc supports my sobriety.
We're here. Take care today.
Just one note....you have a big heart, clearly, and do a lot of things for others. Perhaps a gentle reminder that - even including your kids- you need to (I'd dare say, must) focus on yourself first. For me, sobriety had to and still has to come before everything else. Including my darling bf. Including having a job that is not 9-5 (I work in a restaurant so my hours vary) and as that darling bf remarked the other day - "you couldn't have a 'regular' hours job and lead the kind of life in recovery and participation in AA that you do." Spot on. I am creating and working to maintain a life where everything I choose, do, allow, etc supports my sobriety.
We're here. Take care today.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
I am not saying I should reach out for help- I am doing that, but it is the dependence that scares me. That if something happens to my support system I crash.
I put that down to a sponsorwho helped me get connected to the god of my understanding, who has been totally reliable 24/7, and allowed me to break all other dependencies, even on AA. I can see I would have been in so much trouble had I relied on people. As my sponsor used to say, people have feet of clay.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
No, no drinking August. Just a lot of water! Thank you for asking though.
Gottalife, Thank you for your message, it really feels good to have those feelings of mine validated. What happened was really crushing for me. But I will use it to learn. Thank you again.
Gottalife, Thank you for your message, it really feels good to have those feelings of mine validated. What happened was really crushing for me. But I will use it to learn. Thank you again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Hi Mera, no I don't think anyone's getting tired of you. The whole point of sr is to support one another.
I always think that when something isn't working for us in sobriety, then we're not working something and we need to double our efforts. Have you looked at, and worked at adding on to your recovery plan?
I agree that reaching out and getting good support is so essential but I also think you need to really work on how you feel about yourself.
Have you read Codependent No More?
I started reading it because I never understood the concept and was told I was very codependent where I always thought I was merely the problem and I blamed myself for everything and felt a lot of self-loathing- which usually made me tell myself because I was a failure- basically it was 'ok' to fail because that was my norm, and the chaos that I lived in was all I knew and was easiest to revert back to.
You gotta stop beating yourself up and perpetuating the shame where it keeps you stuck or backsliding to what your brain or AV tells you is the norm. That it's ok to beat yourself because you are less than.
Now's the time for action- which you are doing. But the important part is the follow through on your part. Make a choice, take some action.
You are not the first to choose to pick up again.
You won't be the last. We're not so unique but there is a solution to our problem- the final decision to not pick up ever again and do whatever it takes for that to become the norm that we maintain.
Everyone has a their own path they must take to sobriety. But it is up to each person whether or not they make the choice to be and stay sober. Some will, and some won't. You're not a failure or less than anyone or anything. You are enough. You are more than enough. You deserve to be happy.
Feel the fear and face it anyways. I know you can do this. And I Know you are a wonderful, warm, caring, strong and loving woman. You've already come a long way- don't discount that.
love Del
I always think that when something isn't working for us in sobriety, then we're not working something and we need to double our efforts. Have you looked at, and worked at adding on to your recovery plan?
I agree that reaching out and getting good support is so essential but I also think you need to really work on how you feel about yourself.
Have you read Codependent No More?
I started reading it because I never understood the concept and was told I was very codependent where I always thought I was merely the problem and I blamed myself for everything and felt a lot of self-loathing- which usually made me tell myself because I was a failure- basically it was 'ok' to fail because that was my norm, and the chaos that I lived in was all I knew and was easiest to revert back to.
You gotta stop beating yourself up and perpetuating the shame where it keeps you stuck or backsliding to what your brain or AV tells you is the norm. That it's ok to beat yourself because you are less than.
Now's the time for action- which you are doing. But the important part is the follow through on your part. Make a choice, take some action.
You are not the first to choose to pick up again.
You won't be the last. We're not so unique but there is a solution to our problem- the final decision to not pick up ever again and do whatever it takes for that to become the norm that we maintain.
Everyone has a their own path they must take to sobriety. But it is up to each person whether or not they make the choice to be and stay sober. Some will, and some won't. You're not a failure or less than anyone or anything. You are enough. You are more than enough. You deserve to be happy.
Feel the fear and face it anyways. I know you can do this. And I Know you are a wonderful, warm, caring, strong and loving woman. You've already come a long way- don't discount that.
love Del
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
I'm glad too, but I'm scared. I just don't trust myself much anymore. I feel so great and then end up letting myself down. I'm really, really scared.
So I am old, a man, never had a sponsor and have some views which might be considered unconventional or even unacceptable by more traditional AA folks, I think I mentioned that I have set forth my views elsewhere and would be glad to give you any information on that.
So do send me a PM if you like. I think I sent you a one awhile back and have been thinking of you ever since. The one in which I said that if you find yourself visiting the U.S. again with or without your kids, I'd be happy to make a special trip like down to New York for the day.
You are strong, you are in recovery. You have slipped a bit on your journey up the mountainside but such slips are common. I had several myself prior to 1988. I had two antabuse implants. These are no "cure". They only buy time and may be detrimental if they postpone for too long the hard business of resuming recovery. Like all mountain climbing the more people you have on the rope the better, to catch you if you fall. That's the key thing in success. That, and confidence in oneself and self forgiveness. There is nothing to "forgive". We have all been ill. "To thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day thou canst not then be false to any man.”..."
Fondly, Bill.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by Delizadee
Hi Mera, no I don't think anyone's getting tired of you. The whole point of sr is to support one another.
I always think that when something isn't working for us in sobriety, then we're not working something and we need to double our efforts. Have you looked at, and worked at adding on to your recovery plan?
I agree that reaching out and getting good support is so essential but I also think you need to really work on how you feel about yourself.
Have you read Codependent No More?
I started reading it because I never understood the concept and was told I was very codependent where I always thought I was merely the problem and I blamed myself for everything and felt a lot of self-loathing- which usually made me tell myself because I was a failure- basically it was 'ok' to fail because that was my norm, and the chaos that I lived in was all I knew and was easiest to revert back to.
You gotta stop beating yourself up and perpetuating the shame where it keeps you stuck or backsliding to what your brain or AV tells you is the norm. That it's ok to beat yourself because you are less than.
Now's the time for action- which you are doing. But the important part is the follow through on your part. Make a choice, take some action.
You are not the first to choose to pick up again.
You won't be the last. We're not so unique but there is a solution to our problem- the final decision to not pick up ever again and do whatever it takes for that to become the norm that we maintain.
Everyone has a their own path they must take to sobriety. But it is up to each person whether or not they make the choice to be and stay sober. Some will, and some won't. You're not a failure or less than anyone or anything. You are enough. You are more than enough. You deserve to be happy.
Feel the fear and face it anyways. I know you can do this. And I Know you are a wonderful, warm, caring, strong and loving woman. You've already come a long way- don't discount that.
love Del
I always think that when something isn't working for us in sobriety, then we're not working something and we need to double our efforts. Have you looked at, and worked at adding on to your recovery plan?
I agree that reaching out and getting good support is so essential but I also think you need to really work on how you feel about yourself.
Have you read Codependent No More?
I started reading it because I never understood the concept and was told I was very codependent where I always thought I was merely the problem and I blamed myself for everything and felt a lot of self-loathing- which usually made me tell myself because I was a failure- basically it was 'ok' to fail because that was my norm, and the chaos that I lived in was all I knew and was easiest to revert back to.
You gotta stop beating yourself up and perpetuating the shame where it keeps you stuck or backsliding to what your brain or AV tells you is the norm. That it's ok to beat yourself because you are less than.
Now's the time for action- which you are doing. But the important part is the follow through on your part. Make a choice, take some action.
You are not the first to choose to pick up again.
You won't be the last. We're not so unique but there is a solution to our problem- the final decision to not pick up ever again and do whatever it takes for that to become the norm that we maintain.
Everyone has a their own path they must take to sobriety. But it is up to each person whether or not they make the choice to be and stay sober. Some will, and some won't. You're not a failure or less than anyone or anything. You are enough. You are more than enough. You deserve to be happy.
Feel the fear and face it anyways. I know you can do this. And I Know you are a wonderful, warm, caring, strong and loving woman. You've already come a long way- don't discount that.
love Del
I'm hanging in there, doing everything I can to stay the course. I am not giving up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by wpainterw
Hi Mera! Sorry you are still having anxiety and say you are scared. What can I do to help? I'm glad you found someone to sponsor you. And that you have two friends to help you in other ways, like cleaning your house. I didn't think it right to offer to be your sponsor because (1) I'm a man and a woman, I am told it works better with another woman, (2) the enormous age difference. I shall be 90 in a little over a month, and (3) I never had a sponsor and my approach to the "Big Book" has been influenced by Bill W's interpretation in his later years, such as that all of the "steps" are strictly voluntary and the only qualification for membership is the desire to stop drinking. I believe Bill W's views, as set forth by the late Ernie Kurtz, the author of one of the very finest histories of AA, are worthy of great respect.
So I am old, a man, never had a sponsor and have some views which might be considered unconventional or even unacceptable by more traditional AA folks, I think I mentioned that I have set forth my views elsewhere and would be glad to give you any information on that.
So do send me a PM if you like. I think I sent you a one awhile back and have been thinking of you ever since. The one in which I said that if you find yourself visiting the U.S. again with or without your kids, I'd be happy to make a special trip like down to New York for the day.
You are strong, you are in recovery. You have slipped a bit on your journey up the mountainside but such slips are common. I had several myself prior to 1988. I had two antabuse implants. These are no "cure". They only buy time and may be detrimental if they postpone for too long the hard business of resuming recovery. Like all mountain climbing the more people you have on the rope the better, to catch you if you fall. That's the key thing in success. That, and confidence in oneself and self forgiveness. There is nothing to "forgive". We have all been ill. "To thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day thou canst not then be false to any man.”..."
Fondly, Bill.
So I am old, a man, never had a sponsor and have some views which might be considered unconventional or even unacceptable by more traditional AA folks, I think I mentioned that I have set forth my views elsewhere and would be glad to give you any information on that.
So do send me a PM if you like. I think I sent you a one awhile back and have been thinking of you ever since. The one in which I said that if you find yourself visiting the U.S. again with or without your kids, I'd be happy to make a special trip like down to New York for the day.
You are strong, you are in recovery. You have slipped a bit on your journey up the mountainside but such slips are common. I had several myself prior to 1988. I had two antabuse implants. These are no "cure". They only buy time and may be detrimental if they postpone for too long the hard business of resuming recovery. Like all mountain climbing the more people you have on the rope the better, to catch you if you fall. That's the key thing in success. That, and confidence in oneself and self forgiveness. There is nothing to "forgive". We have all been ill. "To thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day thou canst not then be false to any man.”..."
Fondly, Bill.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: California
Posts: 2,722
The healthiest dependency I have is a power greater than myself. I am very grateful to having accepted a higher power early in my sobriety because early on my work sent me to Korea.
Wow, did I need my HP! No cell phones, no email back then, meetings were in town and being newly arrived, I was confined to a military base for the first 30 days in country. I didn't drink! I had cassette tapes, books and I wrote letters to a sponsor in the States.
I hope you can draw strength from a power greater than yourself in addition to the many things you are doing to help stay sober.
Wow, did I need my HP! No cell phones, no email back then, meetings were in town and being newly arrived, I was confined to a military base for the first 30 days in country. I didn't drink! I had cassette tapes, books and I wrote letters to a sponsor in the States.
I hope you can draw strength from a power greater than yourself in addition to the many things you are doing to help stay sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hey fini, thanks for checking in. I am doing well I think. No drinking, marked 2 weeks last Thursday. A very nice woman on here offered to sponsor me online and we have been messaging which has been very helpful. I am also working on taking care of my own issues- loneliness, dependency on medical professionals, etc. I have weaned out some of the professional help and am focussing on maintaining just a few relationships there. I have gone beyond being crushed by the end of my previous work with my old psychiatrist to being angry, which doesn't sound good on paper, but is a step in the right direction. Thinking of that helps me in karate when we do our punches and have to scream out "kai!" at the end of certain moves. I am definitely the loudest and most aggressive!
I have really put myself out there in terms of trying to be more social. Karate has been fantastic for me. The group is about 10 adults, there is a whatsapp group for the class and I try to participate in that. Last week i posted a message on a night I didn't have the children asking if anyone wanted to go for sushi (major for me, I am not good at making invitations) no one could come but another woman from the group messaged me and said she belonged to a group of women who meet the first Tuesday of every month for an apericena (drinks and snacks at a different bar each month) This month it was at the little bar in my village! I decided to go (the bar also serves coffee in the morning, has a market, it is not just a bar/drinking hole) I went and it was very uncomfortable at first to meet all these new women, but also nice to practice being social. I ordered a ginger beer at the bar and some people asked me what I was drinking and were curious about it. I offered some a taste as they had never tired it and the girl who invited me offered me a taste of her drink. I asked if there was alcohol in it and she said vodka. I said "oh, no thanks, I don't drink alcohol" She offered again and the woman sitting next to her repeated "no, she doesn't drink alcohol" and the woman said "oh, sorry, I didn't hear you" and that was that, no big deal at all. The bar had prepared a big spread of prosciutto and other sliced meats, cheeses and fruit. It was nice. I wasn't the loudest or the most outgoing but had a nice conversation with the woman I was sitting next to.
I'm actually enjoying being single and not having to worry about the stress- even the good stressors- of keeping up a relationship right now.
I did get some really bad news yesterday and for a moment had a bit of temptation but drinking definitely would not have changed an single thing. A friend and I have worked so hard to find jobs for this group of refugees that we are helping. We finally found a job for one of them at a restaurant. He HAD to have a job to get his application for asylum approved, he was to start this coming Monday. Yesterday we found out his case was denied and more than likely he will be deported. The work came just a few days too late. It is tragic. I won't bore you all with the whole story, but he has one of the most tragic stories I have ever heard and this denial was devastating. Not only the fact that he has to go back to his now destroyed village in Nigeria, but we have grown very close to him and consider him a friend, it is horrible to think of him being handcuffed and taken away, probably to never see him again. But staying sober has helped me to keep a clear head and make phone calls and think properly. We have a meeting with another set of lawyers on Monday to see if there is anything we can do. We then will take him to the police station to re-apply for asylum where they will either accept his application or arrest him on the spot. It is a last, "hail-Mary" attempt, fingers crossed!
I have really put myself out there in terms of trying to be more social. Karate has been fantastic for me. The group is about 10 adults, there is a whatsapp group for the class and I try to participate in that. Last week i posted a message on a night I didn't have the children asking if anyone wanted to go for sushi (major for me, I am not good at making invitations) no one could come but another woman from the group messaged me and said she belonged to a group of women who meet the first Tuesday of every month for an apericena (drinks and snacks at a different bar each month) This month it was at the little bar in my village! I decided to go (the bar also serves coffee in the morning, has a market, it is not just a bar/drinking hole) I went and it was very uncomfortable at first to meet all these new women, but also nice to practice being social. I ordered a ginger beer at the bar and some people asked me what I was drinking and were curious about it. I offered some a taste as they had never tired it and the girl who invited me offered me a taste of her drink. I asked if there was alcohol in it and she said vodka. I said "oh, no thanks, I don't drink alcohol" She offered again and the woman sitting next to her repeated "no, she doesn't drink alcohol" and the woman said "oh, sorry, I didn't hear you" and that was that, no big deal at all. The bar had prepared a big spread of prosciutto and other sliced meats, cheeses and fruit. It was nice. I wasn't the loudest or the most outgoing but had a nice conversation with the woman I was sitting next to.
I'm actually enjoying being single and not having to worry about the stress- even the good stressors- of keeping up a relationship right now.
I did get some really bad news yesterday and for a moment had a bit of temptation but drinking definitely would not have changed an single thing. A friend and I have worked so hard to find jobs for this group of refugees that we are helping. We finally found a job for one of them at a restaurant. He HAD to have a job to get his application for asylum approved, he was to start this coming Monday. Yesterday we found out his case was denied and more than likely he will be deported. The work came just a few days too late. It is tragic. I won't bore you all with the whole story, but he has one of the most tragic stories I have ever heard and this denial was devastating. Not only the fact that he has to go back to his now destroyed village in Nigeria, but we have grown very close to him and consider him a friend, it is horrible to think of him being handcuffed and taken away, probably to never see him again. But staying sober has helped me to keep a clear head and make phone calls and think properly. We have a meeting with another set of lawyers on Monday to see if there is anything we can do. We then will take him to the police station to re-apply for asylum where they will either accept his application or arrest him on the spot. It is a last, "hail-Mary" attempt, fingers crossed!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
wow, Mera, you're in the stream of life!
that sounds weird, but it's what came to me, reading your post.
yes oh yes, being angry is way better than being crushed. anger does not include defeat the way crushed-ness does, and it can be a motivator, too. it has energy.
so great to hear you're being so proactive!
and handling things soberly...yay!
that sounds weird, but it's what came to me, reading your post.
yes oh yes, being angry is way better than being crushed. anger does not include defeat the way crushed-ness does, and it can be a motivator, too. it has energy.
so great to hear you're being so proactive!
and handling things soberly...yay!
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