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I need help again

Old 03-24-2017, 03:37 AM
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breathe
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Old 03-24-2017, 03:38 AM
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I'm trying. They said she would be here between 11 and 11:30. What if she doesn't come?
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Old 03-24-2017, 03:39 AM
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Old 03-24-2017, 03:43 AM
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Ok, they just called, they got lost.
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Old 03-24-2017, 03:45 AM
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I think reading and rereading Dee's post #13 is a good idea.
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Old 03-24-2017, 03:59 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Yes, I will read all the posts as often as I can. The nurses just came. They were nice, gave me the shot. I wish they had stayed to talk some but they just gave me the shot and left. I'll be ok. I'll be ok.
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Old 03-24-2017, 04:01 AM
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Hi Mera. I also think that Dee as usual has been very observant and wise.

Everything you need to stop drinking is within you. Trust yourself. Know that you are capable and wise already. Know that you can do this.

You are not being stupid, or crazy, or a baby, or ridiculous. You are just human.

It is normal for humans to have serious doubts about themselves. But it is also true that humans (all humans) are extremely capable and wise within themselves. If only we would believe it and trust and respect and love ourselves.

You are a creature of the universe, created to be here and with every right to be here. And like every creature of the universe, you do not have to be some other thing. You only have to be yourself. The flowers growing in your garden don't ask themselves what they have to be or do, they don't worry about being stupid or ridiculous or that others will be tired of them. You, Mera, also need not worry about how to be a better Mera or a stronger Mera, you can just trust that you are everything you need to be.
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Old 03-24-2017, 04:45 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Hi Mera,

Sorry you are drinking. Following your posts over time, I agree that you may be picking up on a key problem here about dependency and relying on these people you mention and others probably too much. Isn't it, in some ways, perhaps another manifestation of addictive tendencies for you (seeking something but it never truly provides lasting solution and relief)?

In any case, what I thought of is perhaps you could really cut down on the variety of these people and focus on recovery-related connections. Attend recovery meetings regularly (if there is none locally, can do online) and talk about that with others primarily. I generally feel, and I think I am not alone with this, that trying to address our psychological issues (dependency included) is never going to be very effective while in active addiction. This is why perhaps the best would be to address that seriously, not distract yourself with all these relationships, and focus on learning to find internal resources for coping with challenges.

I think rehab can be great but as you know it's short term and you would be facing the exact same long term challenges again when out.

I don't remember, have you tried working with an AA sponsor or other specific peer support recovery program? That is probably what I would engage in instead of multiple psychologists and with others that do not focus on your drinking problem as a primary concern.
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Old 03-24-2017, 06:18 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I have tried AA but because I am unable to get there regularly due to the hour of the day it is held- at night- it was not very useful. I am here completely alone- no family, no friends, no babysitters (I have tried to find a sitter). I did ask someone to sponsor me and then nothing happened. She didn't tell me anything to do, suggest anything, it was just "ok" and then that was that.

I will try online meetings. Can you find a sponsor there?
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Old 03-24-2017, 06:24 AM
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I don't know if this is allowed, but would anyone here be wiling to sponsor me via online methods? Skype or something?
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Old 03-24-2017, 06:48 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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I did something really good. (now I am just writing to write and stay connected) Remember the work I was doing with the refugees? Well I really like the couple that was involved with that. They are two Americans who live a couple of towns over. I had told her I was an alcoholic one time. In any case, i reached out to her and said I was having a hard time. She is so kind, so so so kind. She offered to come to my house this evening, with her husband (who coincidently worked at a center for addicts and alcoholics in NYC) and help me clean my house, keep me company while we work on that and have a pizza. I am proud of myself for reaching out and for accepting her help.
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Old 03-24-2017, 06:50 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Maybe try to post the questions about online meetings/sponsor in a separate thread (perhaps in the 12 steps forum?). I have seen ways to find online sponsor mentioned on SR before but unfortunately I don't remember. Here on SR people would often respond suggesting that you do it face-to-face, but there are cases like yours when it's not feasible.

Also, I found the tools covered in SMART Recovery very helpful specifically for coping and relapse prevention. I think they also have online meetings that you can probably find via google.
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Old 03-24-2017, 06:50 AM
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Old 03-25-2017, 08:32 AM
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I'm thinking of you, Mera. I'll echo Dee and others. Everything required to kick this is contained within you.

At some point, you've got to realize there's not a single answer or good thing in a bottle for you.

Hugs.
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Old 03-25-2017, 09:32 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Hi Mera,

Just catching up on your post. I am sorry you are drinking again, you mentioned trying to get back into rehab, you seemed to be doing really well when you were there, I think it will be really important for them to help you come up with a plan for after. Maybe they can help connect you with a female psychiatrist to follow up with.

Is your plan to stay in Italy? Do you think coming back to the US to be with family for a bit might help you? I know that your kids would be a big factor in that decision.

You have done this before, and you can do this again.

Keep posting!!

❤Delilah
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Old 03-25-2017, 04:15 PM
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Hows it going Mera?

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Old 03-25-2017, 04:37 PM
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Mera, I think you are stronger than you think you are. My Signature quote by the amazing Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine.
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Old 03-26-2017, 01:46 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Good morning,

Thank you so much for checking in and for the kind words, it really does mean a lot to me. I am feeling better today. Today starts day 3. I have my kids here with me and when they are here I am much calmer and happier. My ex says "don't use them" I said "I am not using them, I am being their mother"

It seems like a really small thing, but I am incredibly proud of myself for what I did Friday night. I always complain that I do not have friends here, and for the most part it is true, but I realised on Friday I have only reached out tentatively and shyly. On Friday I was in contact with the American woman who I met through the work I do with the refugees, she asked me if I could come with her on Saturday. I have felt a connection with her and as we have had a few dinners out together (and one night out bar hopping trying to collect warm coats from yacht crew members) I explained why I don't drink, I felt I could trust her. We don't see each other much as she doesn't live in the same town as me.
Anyway, I'm rambling with the backstory. So on Friday she contacted me about the refugees and I just told her that I wasn't doing well, I drank again and I needed help. I told her I felt overwhelmed and scared, the house was a mess, my head was a mess, i didn't know where to start or what to do. She asked me what I needed and I said "I don't know" She offered to come with her husband to see me and help me clean my house, have a pizza together and talk. I can't believe it but I accepted. And they did. We put music on, her husband ironed for two hours, she and I cleaned the house from top to bottom, even things like vacuuming under the beds and cleaning the baseboards (her idea!) We talked over pizza. Before they left they asked me very seriously if there was any alcohol in the house and should they take anything with them. There wasn't but I appreciated them asking. They told me to call anytime.

Yesterday morning I saw the new psychiatrist. We talked for about 30 minutes. It was at like a drop in center. He validated my feelings about the abrupt end of my work with my other psychiatrist which felt liberating. I told him I feel pretty good and safe when I have my kids with me, I used to drink even with them here, but I have contained my three relapses since rehab to days that they are not with me. He said I could come to the hospital for a "day hospital" check in on the days I don't have the kids. He would give me a check up, check my blood levels to calm me and give me any medication I might need. I can rest there if I need to and there are psychologists to talk to. I told him I was worried about my dependency on help but he said right now I need at least something to grasp onto to get me going.
don't know if I'll do that but the option is open. He also said that he would look into the antabuse implant. He said he has not personally given that to anyone but knows about it. He will inform himself on where and how it is offered. Apparently it stays in your system for one year. I know medication is not the full answer but I still appreciated him covering all bases. I'm not sure how I feel about an implant. it sounds scary.

After that I felt very weak and tired so my friends came to pick me up instead of me driving to them. We went to the supermarket and bought groceries for three families then delivered the food and some clothes and visited with each of them.

When I came back from that my kids arrived and we had a nice afternoon together. I made a good, healthy dinner then we watched a movie before bed.

I still feel a little bit depressed and not completely healthy today but that is to be expected.

For now my plan is to concentrate as much as I can on my kids. Go to my appointment with the rehab psychologist on Wednesday. Go on Thursday to the hospital if I feel I need it. I also have an appointment with a local psychologist on Thursday but I think I am going to quit seeing her, I've given her a fair shot and I don't really feel a connection. I am nervous about talking to her about that.

I asked on the 12 step forum here about online sponsorship and someone has offered.

I really sometimes feel hopeless, like some people like me are beyond saving, but I do always, always, always pick myself back up and do so relatively quickly, so there is that. Maybe there is hope after all.
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Old 03-26-2017, 02:00 AM
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I'm glad you're feeling more positive Mera

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Old 03-26-2017, 02:14 AM
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I'm glad too, but I'm scared. I just don't trust myself much anymore. I feel so great and then end up letting myself down. I'm really, really scared.
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