My ultimatum and my guilt, please help
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 8
My ultimatum and my guilt, please help
Hey everyone,
I'm new here but I'm so glad I've found this. I'm 32 but I've been doing drugs since I was a teen. I was introduced to crack cocaine as at 14 by my mom's abusive bf. I've done it on and off ever since but it's never really been a problem till now. I've used for the better part of the last 2 years but I'm usually never the one to initiate it.
I live with my mom who is also an addict and she usually buys it. I can't say no when it's around but I never have the urge to get some, especially when she's out of town or gone for awhile.
Here's where my current desperation and guilt comes from: Two days ago I decided to give myself a hypothetical ultimatum. I told myself, and my mom and sister, that if I use again, something bad would happen to my 11yr old son. I'm not religious or superstitious but this really had an impact on me. I've never put his life on the line or dragged him into my failed vows to quit. I did it thinking that this would somehow help scare me into real change.
It worked. Last night my mom started using but I fought temptation so bad and even fell asleep with my son instead. I woke up and she was still going. I could smell cigarette in the house. So I left home and ran errands in hopes that she'd be done by the time I got home. She wasn't. That's where my willpower broke. I used a little. Now, because of my ultimatum, my guilt is heavier than I've ever felt. I don't know what I'd do if anything were to happen to my son. I know I'm overthinking, being irrational, and not giving myself credit for at least winning the battle last night but now I'm scared that there's no going back.
I just really need help talking myself out of this guilt and perhaps a little push of encouragement. Not using last night was a huge accomplishment and I'm confident I can do better now, I just need to know it's going to be ok and that my son will be ok even if I did slip a little.
Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time to help.
I'm new here but I'm so glad I've found this. I'm 32 but I've been doing drugs since I was a teen. I was introduced to crack cocaine as at 14 by my mom's abusive bf. I've done it on and off ever since but it's never really been a problem till now. I've used for the better part of the last 2 years but I'm usually never the one to initiate it.
I live with my mom who is also an addict and she usually buys it. I can't say no when it's around but I never have the urge to get some, especially when she's out of town or gone for awhile.
Here's where my current desperation and guilt comes from: Two days ago I decided to give myself a hypothetical ultimatum. I told myself, and my mom and sister, that if I use again, something bad would happen to my 11yr old son. I'm not religious or superstitious but this really had an impact on me. I've never put his life on the line or dragged him into my failed vows to quit. I did it thinking that this would somehow help scare me into real change.
It worked. Last night my mom started using but I fought temptation so bad and even fell asleep with my son instead. I woke up and she was still going. I could smell cigarette in the house. So I left home and ran errands in hopes that she'd be done by the time I got home. She wasn't. That's where my willpower broke. I used a little. Now, because of my ultimatum, my guilt is heavier than I've ever felt. I don't know what I'd do if anything were to happen to my son. I know I'm overthinking, being irrational, and not giving myself credit for at least winning the battle last night but now I'm scared that there's no going back.
I just really need help talking myself out of this guilt and perhaps a little push of encouragement. Not using last night was a huge accomplishment and I'm confident I can do better now, I just need to know it's going to be ok and that my son will be ok even if I did slip a little.
Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time to help.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I think you should concentrate on quitting on your own volition. Your ultimatum is not something you could predict anyway, you cannot control fate or others lives. You can make tangible choices that will help things be OK though....have you considered joining a recover group locally?
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
All we can do is the next right thing. You gave it a good shot- what would you do differently if you had your time again to lead to a different outcome?
In my experience feelings like guilt and shame can be used by the addiction to support ongoing use e.g. whats the point? I don't deserve anything better etc
Keep at it !
In my experience feelings like guilt and shame can be used by the addiction to support ongoing use e.g. whats the point? I don't deserve anything better etc
Keep at it !
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 32
The reality: Well, bad things are already happening to your son, his Dad and Grandma are Crackheads. If you don't use when Mom isn't around and supplying, get a job and move out, your 32 years old. I've never seen a crack house that was appropriate for kids to live in.
The encouragement: You can change, and have a very good reason to do so.
But the kid won't be ok if you don't change, but not due to your hypothetical ultimatum, but the environment he is being raised in.
The encouragement: You can change, and have a very good reason to do so.
But the kid won't be ok if you don't change, but not due to your hypothetical ultimatum, but the environment he is being raised in.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,671
Thanks for your share Rob. 'Just a little?' Your words.
I am a nurse by trade- and we used to say to people 'you cannot be just a little bit pregnant'. I think your home environment sounds unsafe- if there is active use there. Keep posting, reading and enquiring. You are still young- and having this awareness now means you can make a significant difference for you and then your son. For you first. Be proactive.
I did not- when I had that awareness at a similar age (booze) but chose to rationalise it away.
I am a nurse by trade- and we used to say to people 'you cannot be just a little bit pregnant'. I think your home environment sounds unsafe- if there is active use there. Keep posting, reading and enquiring. You are still young- and having this awareness now means you can make a significant difference for you and then your son. For you first. Be proactive.
I did not- when I had that awareness at a similar age (booze) but chose to rationalise it away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by theDipsomaniac 
The reality: Well, bad things are already happening to your son, his Dad and Grandma are Crackheads. If you don't use when Mom isn't around and supplying, get a job and move out, your 32 years old. I've never seen a crack house that was appropriate for kids to live in.
The encouragement: You can change, and have a very good reason to do so.
But the kid won't be ok if you don't change, but not due to your hypothetical ultimatum, but the environment he is being raised in.
The encouragement: You can change, and have a very good reason to do so.
But the kid won't be ok if you don't change, but not due to your hypothetical ultimatum, but the environment he is being raised in.
My son doesn't live with me and I work from home. Also, there are current dynamics that are preventing an immediate move. The earliest would be a few months from now.
Life is more complicated than I've implied but recovery hopefully won't be. I'm clear on what needs to happen just needed a boost to initiate it.
Thanks again for your honest feedback.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
Thanks for your share Rob. 'Just a little?' Your words.
I am a nurse by trade- and we used to say to people 'you cannot be just a little bit pregnant'. I think your home environment sounds unsafe- if there is active use there. Keep posting, reading and enquiring. You are still young- and having this awareness now means you can make a significant difference for you and then your son. For you first. Be proactive.
I did not- when I had that awareness at a similar age (booze) but chose to rationalise it away.
I am a nurse by trade- and we used to say to people 'you cannot be just a little bit pregnant'. I think your home environment sounds unsafe- if there is active use there. Keep posting, reading and enquiring. You are still young- and having this awareness now means you can make a significant difference for you and then your son. For you first. Be proactive.
I did not- when I had that awareness at a similar age (booze) but chose to rationalise it away.
Thanks for the advice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by instant
All we can do is the next right thing. You gave it a good shot- what would you do differently if you had your time again to lead to a different outcome?
In my experience feelings like guilt and shame can be used by the addiction to support ongoing use e.g. whats the point? I don't deserve anything better etc
Keep at it !
In my experience feelings like guilt and shame can be used by the addiction to support ongoing use e.g. whats the point? I don't deserve anything better etc
Keep at it !
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
I think you should concentrate on quitting on your own volition. Your ultimatum is not something you could predict anyway, you cannot control fate or others lives. You can make tangible choices that will help things be OK though....have you considered joining a recover group locally?
Thank you
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Location: Australia
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The thing keeping me from signing up to a local group is the fact that I'm somewhat of a "public figure" with a fragile reputation.
D
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
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This thing about reputation is a common one.
Think of this. The mature people who matter will recognise it as a sign of strength. You admit you have a problem and you seek the right help. That makes you a positive person. A fragile reputation? Not so much.
Think of this. The mature people who matter will recognise it as a sign of strength. You admit you have a problem and you seek the right help. That makes you a positive person. A fragile reputation? Not so much.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Not using last night was a huge accomplishment and I'm confident I can do better now,
but you DID use. as a former crackhead myself, i can tell you it will be damn near impossible to quit and stay quit while living in a house where others smoke crack. that was proven out last nite when you did use....a little.
you say your son doesn't live with you, but you also said you went and laid down with him...in the house i presume? the house where crack smoking is going on. first order of business would be to NOT have that child over to that house EVER again. second would be to get yourself out of the house.
you are 32. you are worried about your rep. but you live at home with your crack smoking MOTHER. that just doesn't make any sense at all.
but you DID use. as a former crackhead myself, i can tell you it will be damn near impossible to quit and stay quit while living in a house where others smoke crack. that was proven out last nite when you did use....a little.
you say your son doesn't live with you, but you also said you went and laid down with him...in the house i presume? the house where crack smoking is going on. first order of business would be to NOT have that child over to that house EVER again. second would be to get yourself out of the house.
you are 32. you are worried about your rep. but you live at home with your crack smoking MOTHER. that just doesn't make any sense at all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by Rob150
Thanks for the advice. Hard truths are definitely appreciated. I'm not sure "crackhead" is the best term to use when trying to talk to someone about their problems with addiction though. It's more informal insult than professional term. .
Sorry about the crackhead term but A) I'm not a professional and B) I don't know the correct term for crackoholic.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Is it possible for you to think about moving out and living on your own? I'm finding your logic a bit confusing too. Living in a house with a known crack user doesn't seem any less damaging than seeking support for your addiction. I hope you make a choice to seek support and stop.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
While I agree with the sentiments of all the other posts, let's remember to be gente and welcoming to our newcomer friend.
I am sure some of the posts were hard to read rob, but everyone here just wants to help, I assure you. Their words come from experience and the hope that they might touch a nerve and get you headed in the right direction. Sometimes, and often when we are actively using, the truth hurts.
I am sure you feel great guilt over your ultimatum, I would too. But move past that. The best thing you can do for your son now is keep him away from further drug use, that is something positive and definitive that you can do to make your son's life better. The next best thing is to stop using yourself. Do whatever it takes- for you and for your son. This probably means reaching out for local support. I too was horrified at the though of doing that. I thought there was no way I could put myself in that position, but I did end up going to inpatient rehab for a month and lo and behold the world went on without me and no one really noticed or cared. You may not feel you need rehab but why not give NA a shot?
As for living with your mom, no shame in that buddy, a lot of people do. But start making a plan to get out of that toxic environment as soon as possible. You say you can in the next few months. Start lining up the details now so you are ready to go when the time comes. Look for an apartment, get your financials in order, all of that stuff.
Keep posting here. We are here to support you, and support it is, even when it is difficult to hear.
I am sure some of the posts were hard to read rob, but everyone here just wants to help, I assure you. Their words come from experience and the hope that they might touch a nerve and get you headed in the right direction. Sometimes, and often when we are actively using, the truth hurts.
I am sure you feel great guilt over your ultimatum, I would too. But move past that. The best thing you can do for your son now is keep him away from further drug use, that is something positive and definitive that you can do to make your son's life better. The next best thing is to stop using yourself. Do whatever it takes- for you and for your son. This probably means reaching out for local support. I too was horrified at the though of doing that. I thought there was no way I could put myself in that position, but I did end up going to inpatient rehab for a month and lo and behold the world went on without me and no one really noticed or cared. You may not feel you need rehab but why not give NA a shot?
As for living with your mom, no shame in that buddy, a lot of people do. But start making a plan to get out of that toxic environment as soon as possible. You say you can in the next few months. Start lining up the details now so you are ready to go when the time comes. Look for an apartment, get your financials in order, all of that stuff.
Keep posting here. We are here to support you, and support it is, even when it is difficult to hear.
Now what?
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by Rob150
I just need to know it's going to be ok and that my son will be ok even if I did slip a little.
I don't see that you won anything or that patting yourself on the back for not using one night while your kid is in the house is any kind of a major achievement.
You need to know it's going to be okay? WHAT? Do you have crazy brain turned on?
What are you going to do when someone discovers that your 11 year old son lives with his drug abusing dad and grandmother?
What do you need to do to get clean and sober?
How can you approach your mother to do the same?
Do you think your son deserves to live with a drug free family? How can you give him that?
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