MythOfSisyphus

When I first found SR I was at the end of my rope with drinking. It wasn't one thing that made me want to stop; there wasn't just one single "come to Jesus" moment. It was just the accumulated toll that drinking was having on my life.

My life is pretty good now. Not perfect and there are still trials and tribulations but that's all part of being alive. I would have none of the good stuff in my life that I currently enjoy if I was still drinking. Also without melodrama, it's fair to say I might be dead by now if I hadn't stopped.

BruceSA

We've got very similar stories, Myth.
I think I'd be in the cask next to you!

BruceSA

Sadder than not staying sober?

QUOTE: Oh the love I feel for them! Isolation. I dont know you. But the sadness...

When I first got sober a lot of my friends drifted away because we found we no longer had something in common. They were gradually replaced by new friends who I think, on balance, have a much richer contribution because it's not based around drinking anymore. And I really think we have a lot more fun.
B.

Daucuscarota

BruceSA,
Thank you for starting this thread. It is a very important issue and I learned a lot from it. I didn't realize that I was not alone, and that others with an alcohol problem experience the same.

I have to admit that after days of feeling great, I had terrible cravings last eve and the thought "maybe one day I will be able to have a glass of wine once in awhile. " Yes, that AV is very very cunning.

I have been using wine to treat my anxiety for much of my life. Last week I had a major anxiety attack, and my blood pressure went sky high. My doctor wants me to start an antidepressant, but I am afraid of all the side effects, and don't want to be a slave to medication, as I have never taken any before. I am researching inositol, vitamins, etc. as possible substitutions.

kevlarsjal

I had a phase last summer when I didn't drink for a couple of weeks. That only happened cause I had problems with my kidneys and had to get surgery done twice. I didn't know I was addicted yet, well I didn't wanna know. In hindsight i think I experienced some milder forms of withdrawal which I didn't notice as such. I thought it was side effects from my medication and even complained to my doctor about it who was very confused as he never heard of people having hallucinations and shaky hands and all the other symptoms from that medication.

After the surgeries where done and I didn't have to take my meds anymore I went back to drinking and made it to much more than were I left within a single week. I think my physical addiction became so much stronger.

Another thing that I noticed was once I new I had a problem with drinking I drank more in one go when I did. I think it's because I knew I had to stop eventually, so I wanted it even more. That's also one of the things that scare me most about relapsing. Somehow I feel that if I relapsed I'd drink much more, just cause I know I can't. Total AV logic. So I better make sure that never happens.

BruceSA

Hi, Daucuscarota,
Thanks for the kind words. It's by sharing these experiences that we realise that we're not that unique or alone as we initially thought, and there are others out there in the same boat as us.

Regarding starting this thread, I was in two minds as to whether to post it or not. I wrote it anyway for my own benefit and journal, but actually PM'd D for advice as to actually putting it up here as I was unsure if it would be appropriate. I'm glad I took his advice!

When I first joined SR I was amazed reading the posts, saying "Hey that's me" to a lot of them. Made me feel less of a solo sailor.

Regarding antidepressants - I was on one for a while and drinking at the same time. I was all over the place. My Dr had a fit, saying it's either one or the other and she refused to write any more scripts till I had cleaned up. That was one of the reasons that I stopped the first time. That combination certainly didn't go well together and once I had stopped, the medication actually started to work and I felt miles better. It's no shame to be under trained, supervised treatment with a Dr.

As D would say, Daucuscarota, do you have a Recovery Plan? Willpower for me is never enough. I need a plan to back it up.

Keep close to SR, it's a fantastic place. I don't think I would be around if I had not accidentally stumbled on this site.
Please keep us all posted with your progress?

Wild Carrots? - Nice!

Best wishes,
Bruce.


Hi, kevlarsjal,
I understand, it's like cramming for exams. You know the end is approaching so you want to get as much in as possible before the final whistle. It's crazy, right? Tomorrow, you'll still be hungover, and was the extra damage worth it?
The only cure is not to pick up. With some of us, it takes a bit of practice and fine-tuning. Thanks for the insights,
B.

Daucuscarota

Hi Bruce,

I was more thinking about Queen Anne's lace
as it reminds me of a happy time in my life.

I only have a beginning plan ( I am 25 days sober today, and as I said before, this is my 3rd attempt) , but am working on a Big Plan.

Yes, I see that.
SR is the secret weapon that I did not have until now, and I think it might make the difference.

BruceSA

Sorry! Anything that reminds us of happy times can only have a positive impact on our lives. I'm starting a vegetable garden and watching it grow gives me peace.

Good luck with refining your plan, and keep it flexible, as you yourself change through sobriety.

All the best wishes to you,
Bruce.

Daucuscarota

Thanks BruceSA. Best wishes to you too, and to everyone here.

halfalife

This scares me quite a bit.

I have taken breaks from drinking over the course of the last six months only to return to increased levels, blackouts, the gammit.

Last 5 day binge left me with a 5 day hangover/withdrawals with headaches, terrible insomnia, stomach cramps, irritability...never felt some of the stranger symptoms before, it only subsided after 5 days of feeling awful.

I'm grateful for the fears I have now... It's keeping me moving forward and not drink.

CrackleLog

This is precisely me! I remember thinking to myself in my relapse that after a few years of sobriety I just didn't have the tolerance and it didn't make sense for me to be able to be drinking as much as I was. I was afraid that I was going to die because there was no way my body was going to be able to handle it.

That's definitely something I need to remember to think about in the future. I didn't know it had a name - kindling - but it's good to know now.

saoutchik

Someone once gave a good description of the damaged part of the alcoholics brain as being like a broken tap or non-return valve in as much as you can never turn it of or turn it down, only keep it at the same level or increase it.

BruceSA

Didn't mean to bump this up, but I've been away and wanted to respond to these posts.

halfalife - hope you get the full life. Drinking just makes it worse - the cleaning out from that two week binge felt infinitely worse than the first time. A disease that just builds on the previous plateau. It's relentless.

Crackle - the fear has subsided. It's there and reminds me of the consequences of drinking. Enough to keep me "sharp" but not paranoid. I just have to visit that memory to have all the sensations come back. I know I cannot experience that again.

Soa - The broken tap is a good one. In my case I needed to find the Municipality and get them to cut the stream off at the corner of the road. That way I got the stream to stop and was able to repair my own tap's washer. That Municipality was SR - just by reading (I'm not a great poster) I got the strength.

Thank you,
B.

BruceSA

Another thing that disgusted me - looking at the call log on my phone when I was drunk.

Some are just numbers, some are friends. What did I say, how did I behave?

I'm slowly returning the calls I received when I was drunk. Yes, it's taken me a couple of months to do it. The numbers I recognize and feeling my way back with them. The shame of calling someone back to ask what we discussed is real indeed.

The numbers I don't recognise? I'm doing that too. But it's really hard to cold call someone and say "I'm sorry, you called me, but I was out of my mind and I want to make it better."
B.

saoutchik

Good for you in making those calls BruceSA. It should help to bring a bit of closure to that particular chapter.

BruceSA

Thank you, Soa,

Most of them don't even remember the call !

But somehow, it's something I have to do. Unfinished business.

Leaving tomorrow morning for Katanga, I have some stuff to do on some of the mines. A quick 4 day trip. One of them is near Lake Tanganyika and I hope to get a paddle in. It's beautiful there.
So I'll be quieter than normal for the next little bit.
Thank you for the response,
B.

saoutchik

That's a fiesty part of the world so take care.

BruceSA

Will do, Sao,

The people are fantastic - real salt of the earth. Been there a few times but somehow prefer Northern Malawi. Just don't talk politics, and everything will be fine.
I'm going to take an extra day and spend it at the lake. The dogs are already in kennels here - they don't accept them over weekends so the house is VERY big and VERY quiet right now. No snuffles and grunts, which I miss.
My "hired help" is Malawian and I've met her family a couple of times. Good, decent people.
I might try and get across there before I head home. Maybe I should pop over to the weekend thread?
B.

saoutchik

OK, the part of Katanga I had in mind was Lubumbashi. When i went the country was still called Zaire (DRC now)

BruceSA

Hello, Sao,

Can't sleep.

I'm heading for Lumbumbashi!

The mines provide guides, though to get you through. I've been there a few times. It's getting better, I think? But it's not a place you want to hang around looking at the sights.

For once a mine is a place of safety.

Looking forward to when I'm done and going to the lake. Last time it was so clear and warm. It was like heaven.

Must get some kip now, it's 10PM .
B.