Kyng

Feeling pretty bad today. I went 40 days sober, and drank last night. I showed up to work drunk, drank at work, then came home to a big fight with the fiance. I was angry because of my guilt, not at her. Looking back, my thinking changed a few days ago, and started snowballing in my head. I told myself "you've gone 40 days, try and have just one drink, and stop". I had a tall can, told the fiance about it, and then promised her I wouldn't have anymore. As soon as I left, I hit the liquor store. For the past 3 years I've been stuck in this cycle. I get around 30 days, and relapse. I'm so frustrated. Everything in my life is extremely close to falling apart, and I can't stand it. I'm scared. I can't trust myself. Day 1 again. Here we go.
Thanks

K

Anna

Hi Kyng,

So, you are able to stop drinking, which is great. I would ask you what changes you make in your life during the 30 or 40 days you are sober? What do you do to support your recovery? I had to change some people and activities in my life to stay sober. Maybe you could add something to your plan to help you remain sober.

DesertTraveler

It's never too late to give it up Kyng. It takes guts to keep trying. You can do it.

HTown

You tried to have one tall boy. What did that teach you? Could you stop like you planned? No, because you cannot stop at One anymore than I can.

You went to work drunk and drank at work. Your job is on the line here. How would you feel getting fired? Read some of the threads on here, it happens!

You made a promise you did not keep to stop drinking, I did that too. The guilt, you betcha I know that one.

Do you have a plan? Have you thought about AA or another type of program? What you are doing is not working. I am glad you are here, but you don't have to do this alone.

Kyng

I've been in AA, I was working the program and have a sponsor. As soon as I started feeling strong, and went a few days without a meeting, I drank. I've had this epiphany that I'm powerless over alcohol what seems like a million times. It really makes me feel alot of self loathing when I keep going back on my word. I feel like I haven't had any integrity my whole life. Ugh. This time I will make a sobriety plan.

hodor

I hear you. I've done the same a number of times and it is hard to acknowledge it.
However, you're sick and for us it's not a willpower process. There's no amount of willpower that I was able to apply to my drinking that would stop me, even when it was shameful (drinking at my desk in the office, drinking in the toilet), dangerous or when it was outright told to me by health professionals that it would be the death of me.
You can't beat yourself up about this any more than a person with a terminal illness can blame themself. What you can do is get back into it, take small and recommended steps and keep in close contact with the program, your sponsor and any other sober members that are willing to help.
I wish you all the best. You're being honest, acknowledging the problem and are walking a path that has absolutely worked for others.

Dee74

Yeah, I think it's important to do something different to get a different result

This is a good link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

tomsteve

have ya worked all of the steps,then start practicing the principles in all your affairs?

Kaily

Don't beat yourself up, think about the 40 days sober not the brief lapse you have just had.
Try and be kind to yourself.

Kyng

I need to remind myself not to beat myself up, because that is an endless cycle. Anxiety from last night is rampant, but I'm trying just to roll with it and keep it to a minimum. My appetite has been gone all day which I'm sure doesn't help. Ginger ale is the only thing I've been keeping down. Thank you all for your words of encouragement...it grounds me.

least

You can stay sober for good, you just haven't done it yet. I relapsed over and over but never quit trying. And finally it 'stuck'. I've been sober for seven years now and never been happier.

Change your plan, or get a new one, and start over with the intention of permanent sobriety. You can do this.

Ustacallmelola

Powerlessness over alcohol only happens when we are drinking. When we drink, IT has the power. When we don't drink, we do.

Gottalife

Hey Kyng,
How do you feel about the God bit in AA?

Gottalife

In terms of AA" that is a bit of a misconception. We lost the power of choice in drink... the absolute inability to leave it alone no matter how great the wish.... at certain times we have no effective mental defence against the first drink.

The whole AA program starts with finding the power to not take the first drink. The obsession of the mind puts a drink in our hand, and the allergy of the body ensures we will eventually destroy ourselves. The problem centres in the mind, just before the first drink.

Delilah1

Hi Kyng,

Glad you are back. Anna's question is a good one, and the link Dee posted can help you start to formulate a plan.

I joined here in 2012, and spent three years alternating between periods of sobriety, and failed attempts at moderation. I attempted to have just one way too many times, and it never worked.

Read through Dee's link, and read around on here for a bit, and start jotting down some supports that will work for you. I really like the 24 hour thread, and also check in with my January 2016 class every day. Why don't you jump on board with the January 2017 class.

You can do this, and sobriety is so worth it!!

❤️Delilah

D122y

Kyng,

40 days clean and then relapsing reeks havoc on your brain.

I had hellish paranoia, unsteadiness, audible and visual issues, exhaustion, sleep issues etc etc.

I knew they would quell w booze or rx meds, but I hung in there and suffered.

I would curl up in a ball on my bed and suffer through. The feelings would pass.

Most of them could be summed up with...being very uncomfortable.

It got better and better each day. But, the suffering I endured hardened me.

I will never drink again because I keep those memories. Like touching a hot stove.

I made it clean med free. For me, it was the only way.

I could not go to the dr. I would have lost my job.

Where I work, you can drink, you just can't have a drinking problem.

For me, no drinking booze ever again.

I hate the stuff. I have had enough brain damage from it.

Thanks.

Kyng

As far as the 'God' bit in AA goes, I was raised Christian, but decided I didn't need God in my life when I was around 13 or 14. I was reading some of the stories in the big book, and most of them seem to pray when they get to a month or so. I haven't done this yet but I'm sure the feeling of surrender would feel pretty comforting. Maybe I'm just not quite sure what my higher power is yet? I'm feeling a little better today, got a good sleep last night, made it to work (sober), and ate some food. My body feels better but depression is kinda dragging me down.
Thank you all again for your advice,
It keeps reminding me I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Bobbieka

I drank at work, at my desk, in the bathroom. One day I thought, "man, if I make it through this day without losing my job, I'm done." So, with AA, SR and a therapist and a lot of support, I haven't had a drink since. Not easy, but easier. You can do it. I'm praying to MY GOD, for you. Don't get stuck on the higher power bit. You know you are not the highest power, that there is something greater, isn't that enough? Let it go.

AnvilheadII

in NA it's referred to as "having reservations" and they don't mean at some posh hotel! altho you did very well accumulating 40 days, at no point did you make the decision to NOT drink again EVER, no matter what. and thus, you gave yourself permission to have that "one" tall boy. and all our disease needs is one door or window open the tiniest of cracks.

if you are serious, and i believe you are, there is no ONE MORE. no amount of sobriety achieved will ever make it ok to drink again.

Avra

removed thanks