madgirl

Allow me to play devil's advocate here on the issue of emotional maturity and aging. I am in my 40s, son is 17 and yes, it is strange/unchartered territory.

As alcoholics, we used to deal with emotions by drinking which in my case augmented them. Ok, now we are sober and learning how to balance, stay on an even keel which we all assume normies learn over time.

I think emotional balance is hard for everyone, normies and sober alcoholics alike.

Regarding aging, we all have a ton of false images in our heads - a mental picture of what we thought we would feel like once we arrived at midlife and beyond and guess what? Haha we are still just - whoever we are.

To OP I say embrace your fun self, your love of music. Turn it up loud in the car! Fun and passion and music and dreaming are not the exclusive province of the young. They are all still ours to have.

thomas11

I read your post yesterday and it got me thinking...a lot. It was also somewhat reassuring to find out that I was not alone in this department. I know for a fact that my social growth was stunted by years because of my life in my 20's and early 30's. I was trying to become a professional athlete at the time so I had no idea how to use a computer or how to act in a meeting of professionals...it was pathetic when I think back on it. Its never too late to change our ways in my opinion. I wish you the best.

Dee74

I think I had the longest adolescence in history - but I also think I grew up pretty quick once I decided to be sober.

I don't feel like I'm developmentally or emotionally stunted anymore

D

SWTPEA61

Thanks Dee.....good to know there is hope for me.

Aellyce

Would someone mind describing what this emotional immaturity and feeling like a child/youth entails exactly? I hear and read similar also in other mental health contexts, people saying they feel like a child inside or have immature, insecure etc "child parts" but I never see a detailed, descriptive report of these states and feelings in everyday life. Also, immature relative to what or whom? I've read quite a bit about inner child concepts and such in the past but never liked it or felt relatable. There are unmet and unexplored childhood or young needs in pretty much everyone, I think... as well as occasional childish or overly youthful emotional reactions... does that constitute immaturity?

For myself, as I said I don't because I am not sure what this means. If anything, when I was a kid and younger I tended to feel much closer to people a lot older than me, found it easier to communicate with them and to have things in common. Most of my good friends throughout my life have also typically been 10+ years older than myself. I used to feel more like an old soul and was also told I thought and behave like an older person. I'm early 40's now and now I don't feel that way, more like age appropriate... but I don't really know what that means in a more objective way?

thomas11

Sure, I'll do my best. Between the ages of about 24-30 in addition to my athletic endeavors I was living a life similar to the characters Jules and Vincent in the movie Pulp Fiction. My life was SO out of the norm. No job, no "normal" friends, no structure, no goals in life, just living the life. When I finally got out of it, it took me almost 3 years of isolation to get my head right. I finished up my 2nd college degree and got a job at a large corporation. When I finally did socialize with normal people, I was like a fish out of water. I was "stuck" in this childish mindset of no rules and outlandish behavior. Then of course there was the basic stupidity of headbanging to hard rock and roll, imitating professional wrestlers, being a bad dancer...ya know just sophomoric stuff. Its hard to explain. Any occasion with alcohol was a reason to revert to behavior of that of a college party. its not cool when your 30. I probably didn't do a good job of explaining it.

I'm embarrassed even discussing it on an anonymous forum at this point. But its what I did.

Dee74

Hi Aellyce

I had a great sense of entitlement, & a very low threshold for boredom.

Altho I was capable of altruism, I was also inordinately selfish and self centred - and totally invested in the concept of immediate gratification.

I was totally unskilled and unlearned in managing adult emotions or relationships. I was ruled by hormones.

I had a fear of responsibility and was terrified of change- and loved doing things I could get away with.

Those are things off the top of my head - there really wasn't that much change in me from 15 to 39.

D

madgirl

Thanks, Dee - very specific list.

Mklove

Me too. But it took me to 55 to attempt to change...............

Avra

I think Dee you have described me. I definately feel immature emotionally and cognitively. I feel like i lack some very basic life skills. I live in a small town with very little choice for therapy. I need to start working on this, perhaps there are some good reads out thete i dont know, but i definatly feel like i missed a whole lot of growth.

Dee74

for me just dealing with life - from the mundane stuff like paying bills and keeping appointments to the really hard stuff of losing friends who've passed - all of that helped me grow up.

D

SWTPEA61

I think not being able to handle responsibility of paying bills and a mortgage and raising a family it can cause stress and make some people want to numb out with alcohol drugs whatever they favor.

Dee74

Yeah I should have mentioned it means looking at other ways to Cope with and deal with stress

D

Ringo123

SWTPEA,
You're newly sober, which is awesome, but give yourself a break. Emotions can be all over the map in early sobriety.

When I'm out of whack (self will, run riot; not being spiritually fit), my emotions, feelings, and my physical health are all adversely effected.

That's when the 10th Step comes in handy and the AA tool of 'starting my day over' is useful. Good luck!