hpdw

All over the place right now . drank most of a 70cl vodka last night .

I'm firing rhetorical questions at my self .

I really need someone that knows .

Is it my body or mind that wants me back at the shop , yes I'm shaking feeling sick . The feeling is so strong to " get out of this " I hate this .

So many big family stuff going on and I failed by picking up the bottle I'm gutted .

Thanks

PhoenixJ

Prayers. Don't drink anymore. Stay safe. PJ

Sinderos

Vodka is my drink of choice as well. It has a very strong voice and pull. It will destroy you if you let it. It is so hard to put it down, especially when you feel like crap and know a drink will ease the shakes. However, that leads to a full day of drinking, getting drunk and starting all over. It's a vicious cycle.

The best thing to do is pour out any you have left over, drink plenty of fluids to rehydrate yourself and work through the first few days.

It will not be easy, but each day will get easier. Hang in there. You can do this.

BringingBackB

Hi Thomas, its the brain thats urging you to go to the shop, to get rid of the physical symptoms. Your brain is craving the very thing that made it sick in the first place. That is the nature of the drug, but you can break out of this. Starting by ignoring the AV, and making it through the day sober. I was in the exact same position 10 days ago.

Stay strong

doggonecarl

I don't think addict/alcoholics pick up out of stupidity. There are a lot of reasons we pick up. But if our goal is sobriety, and we're failing, I think we ought to look at what we are doing (or not doing) for our recovery.

So I'll ask you, what are you doing to stay sober, to learn to cope with life without running to the booze?

And if you aren't doing everything you can, what do you call that?

entropy1964

Is that your first night back since you stopped after your relapse? I can't really answer your explicit question, body or mind, because I'm not you. That's about 16 drinks so yes, it could very much be detox. But drinking again will guarantee that the detox will be worse when you do stop. And I believe you will because you have tasted freedom from this.

I know when I have relapsed in the past the mental obsession returns full force. Or the AV. Whatever one wants to call it. It has the upper hand and it knows it so its screaming. The only way to stop is to stop.

How about a meeting?

Dee74

Its your addiction - probably a little body and a little mind.

The real burning question tho is not whats compelling you - it should be what are you going to do to stop Thomas?

You've stopped before, You can stop again.

Things have been wonky for you since the holiday.

I think maybe you need to add some different stuff into your plan this time as well.
For the moment tho the task is stopping and getting a day one down,'

D

hpdw

Anna told me alcoholism is relentless and diabolical and she's right . As of 13:29 UK time I'm am struggling really struggling to NOT go and buy more . Im on the couch drinking lots of water which is a struggle . Fear is my main emotion besides the physical ones . Its sunny but dont want to move from my chair .

August252015

Thomas, like others, I relate to where you are. When I read your last sentence, I thought "so, don't get out of the chair." Meaning...stay where you are safe, away from booze, and get through the hours. Using the chair/bed/sofa/whatever as a haven for RIGHT NOW.

I know that at the beginning, there were days I didn't leave my apartment. I was very (VERY) sick as I have described many times around here, and beginning to make minimal efforts at "life" started with sleeping a lot, drinking fluids, beginning to eat and just "being." It sucked. And I know I will not go back there again- you don't have to either.

Is there anyone who can help you today? Bring soup or something you will at least take a bite of, make sure you don't go get alcohol (getting any kind of tiny "second wind" would send me out of the house in desperation for me, when I was still drinking! Uber loved me)....anything to get you through?

You can do it. Stay on SR. Make a plan - tomorrow for an AA meeting? Mental plan now, physical plan starting tomorrow perhaps.

Good luck.

Ariesagain

It's a biochemical addiction. Your brain cells now crave alcohol as the source of the feel-good hormones that we have on a base-level, survival level...we have them so we will pursue food and water and procreating even when it would make much more sense to stay in the cave and not go wrestle with saber-tooth tigers.

That's why it's such a powerful pull and that's why our lizard brains have hundreds of creative ways to override our higher brain and its logic and reasoning that is screaming, "This **** is KILLING you."

Fight it down. Distract yourself. Try to move a little, exercise always helps. Music. Binge watch your favorite series. Eat ice cream. Go to a meeting. If you start feeling too bad, call for help.

You can do this.

Bird615

Your question reminded me of his line out of the Big Book:

"We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body."

from Forward to First Edition

hpdw

Ive seen me in the past going at a taper . I still haven't went for more because I know i will bee back saying much of the same tomorrow as today ,probably worse
I want to be "just me " I dont want to talk to anyone at home . I am so hungry but can't eat .

dwtbd

Sorry you are having a rough time, but you know you need to just ride it, yeah ?

Make today the day, right now the right now. No illusions it wont be rough, for a time, but you will get past this. Have to starve the AV out, it's doable, rootin for ya, wish you well

ScottFromWI

How about a meeting or calling a counselor Thomas? It's great that you are coming here for help but isolating yourself locally can be counterproductive. You are absolutely correct that there are more problems in our lives that we need to solve than our drinking, but none of them can be fixed until we stop.

tomls

It says alot about you, coming here and spilling your guts to us so soon after the fact!You must be awesome! I don't know that I could have done that. But I'm so glad you did. You know what you have to do.Maybe you won't let your guard down any more. good luck and keep posting. Tom

Ooona

Hi Thomas. No poor me's ( self pity) or being stupid ( you know this has nothing to do with intelligence, you're a very smart person!) its all just the nature of the illness, the confusion and insanity all goes with the territory of active addiction.
Seems like this has all been coming to a head for you since early September with family illnesses and stressors and then trying to help your son get back on his feet too. The lesson in all of this is that you cant help anyone if you are struggling to hold on to your own sobriety yes?
Any chance you could go to an inpatient, get a break from all of the stressors, detox properly, do some work to get back to a stable place? If nothing else, reach out for support via 12 step meetings?
Addiction fights for its own survival and I fear for you that if you dont act in a drastic way against this relapse, that you may fall completely back into that rabbit hole, you may or may not make it back.
Im really praying for you today.

Behappy1

Aww man, sorry Thomas! BTDT. It really sucks. I would do every humanly possible to not drink again. Once you do for a few days, the cycle starts again and with each drink, your AV becomes stronger. Great job coming here, I was not as strong to do so. How are you feeling now? Drink lots of h20, eat what you can. Chicken noodle soup always helped me. Binge on netflix with a cozy blanket .

I have tested the waters as others have and the results weren't good.

Soberwolf

Just want you to know were here for you I havnt had a chance to proper catch up with you since returning but want you to know no more drinking pal it's not helping your going to have to go through it which I know your doing carry on drinking = carry on feeling like this & you obviously don't want to

Pour out any remaining get rid of any or all alcohol & glasses or favorite glasses etc

And like others have pointed out get to a recovery meeting or phone someone from the rooms

Keep posting & don't drink no matter what brother you can do this

Dee74

Hows it going Thomas?

D

AnvilheadII

you NEVER have to feel like this again, Thomas. You can punch your ticket to freedom from active addiction and alcohol will no longer have ANY power over you. but there is a "price" for that ticket....

Don't Drink
Trust God
Clean House

in that order.

yes you can.