Returning
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: against the grain
Posts: 746
Returning
Hi SR,
I leaned on you guys a few years ago and quit drinking for a year and a half. Of course, life got much better--marriage problems smoothed out, got a new job, felt better. I stopped coming here because I thought I was okay. Not that I felt that I was better, but I felt pretty independent in maintaining a sober life. Then one night I was having trouble sleeping and got up for some water. There was a full glass of wine on the counter (my wife still drinks). I drank it. And it was strange because it felt like the absence of the AV was what allowed me to do it, if that makes sense. Anyway, you know the story from there. Now I'm back.
Here is where my drinking is right now. I use alcohol to get to sleep. I have this glass that holds exactly half bottle of wine. About 20 minutes before bed, I fill this glass and slam it. Then I fill it again and slam it. Right as it kicks in, I go to bed. However, this past Sunday evening, a few hours before bed, I had to go out for some groceries. I got a little extra wine to drink while I folded the laundry. Monday morning, I saw what was going on. The slow slide was continuing. And it only gets worse. Next thing I know it will be 2 bottles a night. My biggest issue with starting again is that I get really bad insomnia, and I fear not sleeping. And since I have to get up at 4:45 for work, I panic if I'm not sleeping. When I was sober for a year and a half, I started taking sleep aids 3 months in because I was so sick of being tired.
So here I am. Another night one. I have been doing the "it's not the right night" routine for a while. Yeah, I have to work tomorrow, the holidays. . . But there is no ideal time--that's the work of the AV. Drink some tea. Hot shower right before bed. Focus on my breath.
My last thought as I start this machine again: last time I was sober, I operated from a position of anger. I was pissed at alcohol. I was pissed at how our society and culture normalizes, promotes, and markets alcohol. I was pissed at myself. I was pissed at the sight, sound, and smell of alcohol. And I used this anger to stay sober. I don't want to do this again. There is too much to be angry about in this world anyway, and I want to shift to a more positive consciousness, focusing on having compassion for myself and the world around me.
So thanks for reading and listening. I'll be around tonight and in the days to come. I'm going to post tomorrow morning, hold myself accountable.
Onward!
Malcolm
I leaned on you guys a few years ago and quit drinking for a year and a half. Of course, life got much better--marriage problems smoothed out, got a new job, felt better. I stopped coming here because I thought I was okay. Not that I felt that I was better, but I felt pretty independent in maintaining a sober life. Then one night I was having trouble sleeping and got up for some water. There was a full glass of wine on the counter (my wife still drinks). I drank it. And it was strange because it felt like the absence of the AV was what allowed me to do it, if that makes sense. Anyway, you know the story from there. Now I'm back.
Here is where my drinking is right now. I use alcohol to get to sleep. I have this glass that holds exactly half bottle of wine. About 20 minutes before bed, I fill this glass and slam it. Then I fill it again and slam it. Right as it kicks in, I go to bed. However, this past Sunday evening, a few hours before bed, I had to go out for some groceries. I got a little extra wine to drink while I folded the laundry. Monday morning, I saw what was going on. The slow slide was continuing. And it only gets worse. Next thing I know it will be 2 bottles a night. My biggest issue with starting again is that I get really bad insomnia, and I fear not sleeping. And since I have to get up at 4:45 for work, I panic if I'm not sleeping. When I was sober for a year and a half, I started taking sleep aids 3 months in because I was so sick of being tired.
So here I am. Another night one. I have been doing the "it's not the right night" routine for a while. Yeah, I have to work tomorrow, the holidays. . . But there is no ideal time--that's the work of the AV. Drink some tea. Hot shower right before bed. Focus on my breath.
My last thought as I start this machine again: last time I was sober, I operated from a position of anger. I was pissed at alcohol. I was pissed at how our society and culture normalizes, promotes, and markets alcohol. I was pissed at myself. I was pissed at the sight, sound, and smell of alcohol. And I used this anger to stay sober. I don't want to do this again. There is too much to be angry about in this world anyway, and I want to shift to a more positive consciousness, focusing on having compassion for myself and the world around me.
So thanks for reading and listening. I'll be around tonight and in the days to come. I'm going to post tomorrow morning, hold myself accountable.
Onward!
Malcolm
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
You've been struggling to get sober a while. SR is a great resource, but is it enough for you to get and remain sober? Would a structured program of recovery help keep you sober? Cause doing it alone isn't.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Malcolm,
They tell me part of maintaining recovery is helping folks.
Your testimony helped me today.
I am trying to forget that i am an alky all the way.
Addict for life here.
Never drinking again.
Thanks,
They tell me part of maintaining recovery is helping folks.
Your testimony helped me today.
I am trying to forget that i am an alky all the way.
Addict for life here.
Never drinking again.
Thanks,
Rehydrating to Oblivion.
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,332
Hi Malcolm and welcome back to SR 
Funnily enough, the thing that first led me to drink was insomnia. I would drink 1 beer every night to help get me to sleep. After a while it turned to 2, then 3 etc etc. By the end I Was so convinced that I couldn't sleep I could not even imagine life without a drink before bed. It got to the point where I woulnd't go stay at someone's house, if I knew I wouldn't be able to have a drink before bed.
I eventually realised this was BS and, although I had a good week or so of insomnia, afterwards (and since in fact), I have slept the best I ever have in my life.
In truth though, once I'd sorted the sleeping issue, I just looked for another reason to drink, which is I think where the current binge cycle i'm in came from. But all in all, alcohol actually inhibits sleep, rather than helps. Whilst it may help you 'nod off', the quality of sleep whilst intoxicated will never be as restful as sober sleep, as i'm sure you already know.
I wish you all the best
Funnily enough, the thing that first led me to drink was insomnia. I would drink 1 beer every night to help get me to sleep. After a while it turned to 2, then 3 etc etc. By the end I Was so convinced that I couldn't sleep I could not even imagine life without a drink before bed. It got to the point where I woulnd't go stay at someone's house, if I knew I wouldn't be able to have a drink before bed.
I eventually realised this was BS and, although I had a good week or so of insomnia, afterwards (and since in fact), I have slept the best I ever have in my life.
In truth though, once I'd sorted the sleeping issue, I just looked for another reason to drink, which is I think where the current binge cycle i'm in came from. But all in all, alcohol actually inhibits sleep, rather than helps. Whilst it may help you 'nod off', the quality of sleep whilst intoxicated will never be as restful as sober sleep, as i'm sure you already know.
I wish you all the best
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Good luck with starting over.
I did the same thing in 2013 after quitting for 4 months.
I started with one glass of wine with dinner. It was December so I would buy Christmas Ale. I would drink 2 or 3 beers a night. That turned into 4 or 5 a night.
Inside of a month I was back to my old ways of getting drunk everyday.
After you have had a problem with alcohol is has to be all or nothing - at least is is for me.
I did the same thing in 2013 after quitting for 4 months.
I started with one glass of wine with dinner. It was December so I would buy Christmas Ale. I would drink 2 or 3 beers a night. That turned into 4 or 5 a night.
Inside of a month I was back to my old ways of getting drunk everyday.
After you have had a problem with alcohol is has to be all or nothing - at least is is for me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Welcome back, Malcolm!!!!
I don't know if you worked a plan the last time you sought sobriety but a solid plan could be your key to permanent sobriety and recovery. There is a very good SR thread regarding Plans; I'll post a link in a minute.
I don't know if you worked a plan the last time you sought sobriety but a solid plan could be your key to permanent sobriety and recovery. There is a very good SR thread regarding Plans; I'll post a link in a minute.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Malcolm, as promised above:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...highlight=psst
We are here for you.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...highlight=psst
We are here for you.
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by malcolmsloan 
There was a full glass of wine on the counter (my wife still drinks). I drank it. And it was strange because it felt like the absence of the AV was what allowed me to do it, if that makes sense. Anyway, you know the story from there.
I recently go into a discussion on this very topic elsewhere on the forums, and there are some that disagree with me, but this thing cunningly boasts of its own silence, as in "I can go weeks without thinking of drinking", as if it could take it or leave it, just like the social drinker.
All such sentiments, or variations on that sentiment, especially the all-time classic, "I have no desire to drink", is the Addictive Voice itself. You simply did not recognize it as such, because everyone and their brother will congratulate you for having no desire to drink, as if it were a good sign.
Now that you know better, what is your plan for your future use of alcohol?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: against the grain
Posts: 746
Algorithm, for me the term/concept that works is a "lifestyle adjustment." Right out of the gate, the adjustment will focus on commitment and follow through, emphasizing playing the tape through to not just the next day, but to what a drink will lead to. Then all of the typical (for me) non-drinking evening wind-down tools: tea, read, shower before bed. And during the day, I need to focus on getting good nutrition, and squeezing in consistent exercise. And I need to focus on just one day at a time.
For me, the issues seem to come up about a year in. For a year, I get excited and motivated. Then I get complacent. Then I fall asleep and the AV goes sneaks in, wearing some strange disguise. This is a ways off, but it might require a new plan? Or a refresher?
For me, the issues seem to come up about a year in. For a year, I get excited and motivated. Then I get complacent. Then I fall asleep and the AV goes sneaks in, wearing some strange disguise. This is a ways off, but it might require a new plan? Or a refresher?
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by malcolmsloan
Algorithm, for me the term/concept that works is a "lifestyle adjustment."....
For me, the issues seem to come up about a year in. For a year, I get excited and motivated.
For me, the issues seem to come up about a year in. For a year, I get excited and motivated.
Have you considered a permanent lifestyle adjustment that removes alcohol from the equation in perpetuity? In other words, not just for today, but forever?
Yes, I am actually serious.
That would finally solve your problem, wouldn't it?
How does that sound? Scary, or exciting?
Originally Posted by malcolmsloan
Then I get complacent. Then I fall asleep and the AV goes sneaks in, wearing some strange disguise. This is a ways off, but it might require a new plan? Or a refresher?
It certainly does have a few disguises, which you can learn about, but they all still point to more drinking in the end, so you have multiple chances to catch yourself before swallowing that alcohol. If you learn about those disguises, you can catch yourself as soon as the AV pops up.
What do you think about all of this?
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