Returning
Hi SR,
I leaned on you guys a few years ago and quit drinking for a year and a half. Of course, life got much better--marriage problems smoothed out, got a new job, felt better. I stopped coming here because I thought I was okay. Not that I felt that I was better, but I felt pretty independent in maintaining a sober life. Then one night I was having trouble sleeping and got up for some water. There was a full glass of wine on the counter (my wife still drinks). I drank it. And it was strange because it felt like the absence of the AV was what allowed me to do it, if that makes sense. Anyway, you know the story from there. Now I'm back.
Here is where my drinking is right now. I use alcohol to get to sleep. I have this glass that holds exactly half bottle of wine. About 20 minutes before bed, I fill this glass and slam it. Then I fill it again and slam it. Right as it kicks in, I go to bed. However, this past Sunday evening, a few hours before bed, I had to go out for some groceries. I got a little extra wine to drink while I folded the laundry. Monday morning, I saw what was going on. The slow slide was continuing. And it only gets worse. Next thing I know it will be 2 bottles a night. My biggest issue with starting again is that I get really bad insomnia, and I fear not sleeping. And since I have to get up at 4:45 for work, I panic if I'm not sleeping. When I was sober for a year and a half, I started taking sleep aids 3 months in because I was so sick of being tired.
So here I am. Another night one. I have been doing the "it's not the right night" routine for a while. Yeah, I have to work tomorrow, the holidays. . . But there is no ideal time--that's the work of the AV. Drink some tea. Hot shower right before bed. Focus on my breath.
My last thought as I start this machine again: last time I was sober, I operated from a position of anger. I was pissed at alcohol. I was pissed at how our society and culture normalizes, promotes, and markets alcohol. I was pissed at myself. I was pissed at the sight, sound, and smell of alcohol. And I used this anger to stay sober. I don't want to do this again. There is too much to be angry about in this world anyway, and I want to shift to a more positive consciousness, focusing on having compassion for myself and the world around me.
So thanks for reading and listening. I'll be around tonight and in the days to come. I'm going to post tomorrow morning, hold myself accountable.
Onward!
Malcolm