FreedomCA

So I was having a bad day on Day 23. I called her earlier in the day and it went to voicemail. An hour later I tried calling her again and she texted back the automatic message, "Sorry, I can't talk right now." So 3 hours later I texted her and asked if she was up, as she has told me I can call at any time. And she texts back, "I'm busy with a friend and can't talk the rest of the night. Get the picture?"

What a nerve! I was so pissed! She could have just texted that she was busy and could not talk the rest of the night. So I texted her that was very rude and to not call me again. This is why I just have AA accountability people and not official sponsors. I so felt like texting her this as well but practiced restraint of pen and tongue. I wanted to tell her to get rid of the Oxy that I believe she abuses and prevents her from achieving true sobriety.

Oh well, life goes on. I guess I'll now go to some AA meetings to find other AA accountability people. Now on Day 24 and feeling strong otherwise. Also have lost 5 of the 20 pounds I am looking to lose before my 2 week Caribbean cruise in April with my husband.

Meraviglioso

Wow, people are very rude. The message would have been fine with simply "I am busy with a friend and can't talk the rest of the night" leaving off the "get the picture" Geez. Of course people get busy sometimes or cannot help you every single time (though if they agree to be an accountability friend I would think a brief check in to see how bad the situation is would be nice) but to be so rude is not nice.
Do not let this fester in your mind. You did the right thing reaching out and she responded poorly. That is her stuff and you can't control it. Do you have someone else you can call? Can you hang out here for a while to bring yourself down from the event? You are smart not to respond and escalate the situation.

Dee74

If you're going to rely heavily on AA accountability people, I'd have more than one Freedom.

I'd also be clear about the relationship.

I'm not trying to be critical but I have to say it reads like you were kinda treating her like a sponsor just without the name?

I'm not excusing her rudeness, but she may have not known you had this expectation of her?

D

Yogini1603

I cringed at "get the picture". Rude.

I do a similar thing to you - I have a bunch of friends in recovery and we talk and text everyday, not necessarily about recovery, but just checking in with each other. Most of them have longer time than me in sobriety but that's not really the point, it's just having friends who happen to be in recovery.

One thing I would say is I'd recommend trying a sponsor. I have one and they're different to my friends in recovery because I can call her if I'm close to picking up a drink and feel like I can emotionally rely on her sometimes as she gives me advice and guidance knowing my history of addiction. Plus she helps me with the steps!

FreedomCA

Thanks for the replies. The day just gets worse and worse with something my husband just did, and I don't even feel like talking about it. I just need this day to be over!

My friend just apologized and said she loves me dearly and would never hurt me. She said she was busy having sex for the first time in 17 years. So i told her that I forgive her, but that next time she can just say she is busy for the rest of the night.

I really get a lot out of SR, but I also really like to talk over the phone. This episode has just shown me I need to reach out at AA and get more friends to talk to rather than just 1. I would really like a sponsor and it is true that I was not being clear about her role. I am just so tired from all the drama today and am going to go to bed.

Dee74

I'm glad you sorted it out with your friend. I agree with Yogini tho - sometimes someone's who not a friend can actually be more of a help in early recovery - there's less of a tendency to take the other for granted or to lose the focus on recovery?

D

Berrybean

Yes. Get as many aa friends and spread your network of support as wide as possible.

The reason our higher power is so important is that humans are fallible and do let us down.

I'd also suggest that if you really suspect that your friends is using and not being honest that you start aligning yourself with people with solid sobriety who work the programme in all areas of their life. When we do that we give ourselves the chance to learn and grow.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

FreedomCA

Thanks everyone. I feel better. By the way, the irritating thing my husband did was bring 2 pies home knowing that I am on a strict diet. Not a big deal, I know, but still bothered me.

I do realize that it would be in my best interest to find a sponsor and develop more recovery friends. And this will only happen by actually going to meetings, which I am so lazy to do. I would rather do an hour run than go to a meeting. Really bad, I know.

On the bright side, however, at least I am working the steps (albeit myself), reading AA literature, and reading and posting on SR. I just have to cognitively remind myself that life is difficult at times, but that I can get through it sober.

FreedomCA

Thank you. I still want to be her friend because this is the first time we had a "disagreement." And she was being truthful when she asked if she had ever been rude before, which she hadn't, but that is why I was so shocked. She just explained herself wrong with the "get the picture" comment. She was probably just nervous and communicated in the wrong way. But, yes, it does seem to me that she uses her oxy quite a lot for pain, and I do think this prevents her growth. But that is not my area to judge, but it is true that I should meet people with stronger recoveries. Thank goodness I didn't impulsively say something that would have hurt her feelings, especially since her comment was harmless according to her. I feel bad for her though, because she is a nice person who is lonely and just lost her car. We both enjoy talking to one another as friends, and o enjoy helping her as well. She has told me I have taught her so much. The "get the picture" comment was just totally misunderstood by me. But I forgive her for that and will just make sure she understands in the future to just send me a text stating that she is busy for the rest of the night if she is feeling hounded by me.

SeaOfSerenity

sounds like they were done with you as well but yeah that's a rue way of ending it

entropy1964

Hey Freedom

I'm no pro but I think the program of AA has a method for working it for a reason. I have tried working it, and other programs, MY way and that has not 'worked'. I cringe when I hear people say "AA didn't work FOR me" because it never does. I work for it. And I have to work it the way the program is meant to be worked, if that makes any sense.

So my HP is my number 1 source of support. She is always there and never having sex (haha) or taking drugs. My sponsor is number 2 but she is human and fallible. Not always available, period. Fellowship is 3 and I must make the commitment to attend meetings. Not only for my own recovery but to be there for others, and newcomers. The ISM in active alcoholism is 'I Sponsor Myself' which I don't believe is the true path to recovering from alcohol addiction. If you are really needing support (and its great that you pick up the phone. I never have. Not once) whats the resistance to getting a sponsor?

The steps are in order for a reason. Step 1 being the most important. But Steps 4-9 are also incredibly important. I have lots of character defects....so many that I can't even recognize them. Resentments, expectations, judgments, selfishness, entitlement.....and on and on. I need another person to help me work through these so that I can move on and help another alcoholic when I'm ready. I believe that is the key to the success of the program.....giving freely what was given to me. Being lazy or selfish won't yield the results I am hoping for. Happy, joyous and free. That's what I'm looking for.

Good luck with those pies! I know how hard that is. I got rid of the Halloween candy, then baked cookies the next day. Oops. But if I don't have 1 I can usually resist...sounds familiar huh?

Forward12

I would try looking for a true sponsor rather than trying to rely on just another person in AA that's also just trying to get their footing as you've found out they may be unreliable when you need help. Also don't forget about this forum, you can always post here. Most local AA's also have a 24/7 call center number as well.

january161992

great job freedom on 24 days

MIRecovery

Pages 59 - 62 of the BB are recommended reading. Expectations are unplanned resentments.

wpainterw

FreedomCA: I must confess that I've been familiar with AA for at least 28 years of sobriety, have attended countless meetings and have never heard anyone refer to an "accountability person". Could this be like an "emotional support dog?" Suppose you are unfamiliar with mountain climbing but want to climb a fairly high mountain and need a bit of help. So you ask an "accountability person" to tie on the line with you. Soon you're going up a stiff pitch and a rock breaks off in your hand and you find yourself hanging on with only one hand and swinging in midair over what seems a bottomless abyss. So you yell, "HEY ACCOUNTABILITY PERSON! WHAT DO I DO NOW? HELP!" And she answers back, or her message service answers back, "Don't bother me for the rest of the afternoon! I'm having sex right now and I haven't had sex for seventeen years!" What do I say to this, "See ya later, consummater"? Seems even odder if she's chewing on a few oxy's or benzos.

Back to the Drawing Boards maybe?

W.

entropy1964

"See ya later, consummater"? AWESOME!

PennyLane76

Freedom, reading this thread start to finish seems like you mentally worked it out Really good.

And Bill, thanks for the belly laugh, BWAH HAHA. I'm going to giggle about that all day.

thomas11

She said "get the picture".....yes I do, and I wish I didn't! Some things are best kept a secret.

Ariesagain

I'm no kind of expert, but if someone is 1) texting and/or 2) taking the time to add three unnecessary words...they're doing it wrong.

Just sayin.

FreedomCA

Thanks for all of the support, as I am now on Day 24. I had a long talk with my friend today, and she said she cried when she read my text not to call me again, and that she could not understand why I would give up a yearlong friendship over this. I was able to explain to her that I ran her text across several people, and that they all thought, "get the picture," was offensive and not funny like she said she was trying to imply. I guess she even ran the text across the guy she slept with, and he even told her that it comes across as, "get the picture Lady!" Leave me alone and stop calling me. So she now understands and was apologetic. We both agreed that I do call her a lot, which she is fine with, and that next time she can just let me know she is busy for the night and can talk tomorrow, which I am fine with. Or if she is being funny, she can leave a funny symbol or something. So everything is all well now, and our friendship remains. And I am still sober.