thomas11

I think you are selling yourself short 2c, you can do so much more than you think you can. I won't sit here and tell you its easy, but it can be done. It sounds cliche, but "how bad do you want it"? Are you willing to do anything? If so, it will happen for you. First and foremost, just don't drink. It could be something as simple as reading some self help books, or it could be some professional counseling. But you have it in you, you just need to bring it to the surface.

Bird615

You've said things like and Note the words seems and I don't think. Think about them. Those may be your beliefs, it might look that way right now, but consider that maybe they're not reality.

August252015

2c - I have read through these responses, and yours, and have a few things to say. I will mainly stick to my ESH.

I am just a few months ahead of you in terms of sober time, at 8mo tomorrow. At about your stage, on Jul 10 to be exact, I had what turned out to be my first date...with my high school boyfriend. Cutting to the chase of the wonderful second chance fairytale we are building - he is in recovery, too. The absolute basis of our relationship is our spiritual growth, individually and together. Everything stems from that and our trust is complete. This means everything from handling little issues- I needed a new cell phone badly and it made sense for me to go onto his phone plan, we now share all accounts like Spotify, Amazon, whatever....to huge ones, such as his 14 yr old daughter's suicide attempt and his ex-wife's continued alcoholism. And everything in between. We have a shared Bible app with daily reading plans; he now goes to AA meetings with me- that is my anchor and he began with just a counseling and life-overhaul and faith focused plan; we communicate about, well, everything.

My first sponsor told me not to even have a coffee date for two years. For unrelated reasons I had gotten my current sponsor when I was starting to date my boyfriend, and she had a different take on it. I work a VERY hard program and that was a big part of her guidance for me. Without going into all the ins and outs of our intitial (and ongoing, for the record, as I navigate this relationship) conversations, her biggest concern is for my EMOTIONAL sobriety and making time our friend. There is no hurry in the recovery for life way of going.

*This is the only kind of relationship I could possibly have* The deal is on the table that if one of us drinks again, it's over. No matter how much I adore him, my sobriety will always come first. "At any cost," as we say in AA.

One of the promises coming true in my life is God bringing him back into it. I am incredibly blessed.

There is absolutely an entire world out there with sober people. I do not allow a single person in my life who is not a positive factor. I've said on many other threads that perhaps this seems ruthless, and maybe it is - but this is my LIFE and there is zero room for anyone who doesn't support my sobriety. And I can tell you that there is not one single person who isn't amazed at how different and good my life is. I came back from the brink of death- a yr to 18 mo to live and I made the choice to live.

To the "average" person making friends and dating (with friends, I am quite fortunate to be "bringing back" people into my life that I had run away from, shut out or, in some cases, am making amends to so I can hopefully have them back- some have declined and that is ok)....there are countless things to do sober and as you look for it and if you watch people, you will see that, too. I can also vouch for this as a server in a very busy restaurant- not everyone drinks, period. It seems like that when we alcoholics drink- largely because we look for it for various reasons, one being to justify that it's the norm.

Ultimately, I agree 100% with Dee- perhaps it is not the "popular" suggestion ("sure, go date! just be careful and don't drink!" etc) but focusing on YOU needs to be top priority. Bottom line - no one else (the "last time I relapsed" line of thinking puts that responsibility on another/others) can get or keep you sober.

Finally, ALL of us- yes, every single one- have issues. We wouldn't be here and we wouldn't be trying to recover if we didn't. That is just fine. And it is figureourtable as we say around here - if you don't drink. I can promise you that.

Stay sober. Work a program. Everything else will come. Good luck.

tomsteve

maybe, just mbe the problem is that YOU are trying to fix your problems- using the same thinking that gets ya drunk?

maybe, just maybe a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist would be wise?

my best thinking got me drunk. it wasn't going to help me get sober,stay sober, and find solutions for my problems.

also, since you are typing about moderation in your other thread, maybe you have bigger fish to fry other than dating.

are you doing anything other than not drinking to work on you?

2complicated

I am interested in casual sex and the allure of that is definitely tempting me to go the alcohol route. However I am also open to something serious. And I'm currently in a college town so it's hard since everyone parties.

Also, I am a pretty introverted person. I have relied on alcohol heavily my entire life to make it through social interactions, it give me a lot of social energy, but it also makes me an *******, gets me into fights and gets me arrested, etc etc. So I see my chance of failure on dates as very high without alcohol because I won't have the social energy.

2complicated

I'm in therapy and taking it very seriously.

EndGameNYC

One of the first things I destroyed when I was drinking was my sense of perspective, the little I may have had when I decided to pick up a drink again. As tomsteve suggested, it seems that there's a lot more going on than just feeling awkward on a date.

Getting into fights, getting arrested, and the etcetera parts that you haven't written about...that's all very serious stuff. Are you willing to risk all that all over again just to feel "social energy" while you're on a date?

It seems that this is more about stopping your life from falling down all around you than about moderating your drinking and having a good time on a date.

ScottFromWI

I was you exactly about 25 years ago. A lot has changed since then of course but I can tell you from experience that you cannot be open to casual sex and be open to a serious relationship at the same time. And you are correct that alcohol is very intertwined with casual sex...because most people wouldn't do it if they weren't drunk to be blunt. And for good reason.

So at some point you may have to find other activities outside of the ones that you did while you were drinking - AKA - stop hanging around the casual sex/drinking crowd. Sobriety requires substantial lifestyle change, and it's not always comfortable.

2complicated

Yeah I know it's sort of whiny to say and doesn't help. Thanks for the encouragement. I want it badly because my happiness is at stake. But I havent been happy sober for 5 months either and I feel very restless and isolated. Basically I just need to relearn how to act socially without drinking because I havent done it since 7th grade. It's just going to be really hard.

Delizadee

Besides therapy and SR, are you working a program/recovery plan, and do you have some other decent face to face supports in place?

The only reason I ask is that I spent almost two months sober and for the most part, I was not a happy, cheery person. I wanted to disappear.
This time I am pretty immersed in my recovery and the difference is amazing to me. I feel much happier and more confident. Which gives me more confidence in the decisions I make and respectful of my own and other people's boundaries.
Just some thoughts... maybe you are not ready and that's ok. But I can tell you if you feel like you are missing out on something by not dating, to me that's kind of like missing drinking. You're trying to fill a gap in you that you should be filling up for yourself, know what I mean?

That's why a lot of people are saying put your sobriety first. When you hit recovery mode, you'll know the difference. It's when you start learning to fill your void yourself and those things you start attracting or going after in your life become complementary to you and where you are, not a need. Then you have a healthier attitude towards the inner and outer states of yourself and others.
Once you get to that point, you won't have that thought that dating is impossible sober. You will just think, dating will happen when the time is right, and I'm ok with waiting even if I get a bit lonely here and there, and hanging out with myself cause i'm pretty cool.

Just my thoughts on the matter, everybody's paths and feelings are a little different.

Dee74

It's not actually that hard. You just need to be yourself

What is hard is letting go of expectations 'where is this going' and and worrying about things like 'will they like me' etc

Getting sober gave me a chance to get comfortable with myself.

My validation had always been external - I measured my worth by how people responded to me.

My validation is internal now - it's not that other people don't matter, but I know my worth.

Sober, and for the first time ever as an adult, I accepted that some people may not like me - and that was not necessarily my fault.

There are people who like and respect you, and want to be friends with you, and some may want to date you....you'll find them if you're ready

D

tomsteve

have you mentioned your thoughts of moderation and the things you say here about dating during therapy?