My story
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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As long as it's something healthy or positive, yes. For instance, if I started writing obsessively, or, as I said, exercising. This is the approach my therapist used- finding a new, productive obsession to fill my time.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Obsession is a term you will see a lot if you continue reading about addiction. Broadly defined, addiction is a compulsion to acquire and use a substance despite escalating negative consequences. Time not spent consuming or recovering from use is spent obsessing over how and when it can be acquired again.
I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose you but it sounds like you don't want to drink any more but still find yourself doing it - that's a hallmark of addictive behavior.
Now, I think what throws you off is that you may not be in the late stages of alcoholism, yet. The stages you read about, in which you experience severe withdrawals. But many don't reach that stage at all. Doesn't mean it's not alcoholism. Just an earlier stage in the progression. Your rising tolerance and cross-use of benzos is also a textbook symptom.
Best to quit now before you start experiencing some of the more drastic physical, social, mental, financial, familial and legal consequences of an addiction once it reaches the loss of control stages. If you continue escalating amount and frequency of drinking, there will be a point that you lose control. That's when things get really scary.
Wish you the best, stick around and keep educating yourself. There's many people trying to recover from addiction.
I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose you but it sounds like you don't want to drink any more but still find yourself doing it - that's a hallmark of addictive behavior.
Now, I think what throws you off is that you may not be in the late stages of alcoholism, yet. The stages you read about, in which you experience severe withdrawals. But many don't reach that stage at all. Doesn't mean it's not alcoholism. Just an earlier stage in the progression. Your rising tolerance and cross-use of benzos is also a textbook symptom.
Best to quit now before you start experiencing some of the more drastic physical, social, mental, financial, familial and legal consequences of an addiction once it reaches the loss of control stages. If you continue escalating amount and frequency of drinking, there will be a point that you lose control. That's when things get really scary.
Wish you the best, stick around and keep educating yourself. There's many people trying to recover from addiction.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
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Welcome PirateP!
Occasionally we have discussions on this forum about why we are alcoholics. My own view on such a debate is that it doesn't matter why I'm an alcoholic, I was killing myself with drinking so the main thing is to stop.
In your case, it seems to me, it is important to both know why you're an alcoholic and to stop drinking. The first because, as you say yourself, it allows you to work on stopping "within" that system of the OCD diagnosis and the therapy that is accompanying it, and the second because, like many of us, if you don't stop you'll die of alcoholism.
I don't understand why your therapist was not more active in working with you to stop. But regardless, you have identified the need to stop. As others have suggested, you need tools to do this. When you discuss stopping "within" the system of your OCD diagnosis, this should not remove the need to stop your drinking relying on tools as any alcoholic would, not simply "stopping". That includes preparing a sobriety plan, considering AA, getting honest with your mother, your doctor, your therapist and people around you, coming onto SR and posting regularly etc.
But all of that then within the context of your OCD diagnosis. Perhaps part of your plan would therefore include the gym - as someone who describes herself as "obsessive", and not to downplay your diagnosis of OCD, that's been very helpful for me. And working with your new therapist on seriously stopping.
You can do this. Isn't it an irony that the night you drank 6x24oz cans, a 16 oz can and 8 shooters, you drank just as much as the 4x40 oz you mistakenly told the doctor, WITH the shooters on top? That's alcoholism for you. What you think is a lot to drink now is down the road waiting for you if you don't stop.
Occasionally we have discussions on this forum about why we are alcoholics. My own view on such a debate is that it doesn't matter why I'm an alcoholic, I was killing myself with drinking so the main thing is to stop.
In your case, it seems to me, it is important to both know why you're an alcoholic and to stop drinking. The first because, as you say yourself, it allows you to work on stopping "within" that system of the OCD diagnosis and the therapy that is accompanying it, and the second because, like many of us, if you don't stop you'll die of alcoholism.
I don't understand why your therapist was not more active in working with you to stop. But regardless, you have identified the need to stop. As others have suggested, you need tools to do this. When you discuss stopping "within" the system of your OCD diagnosis, this should not remove the need to stop your drinking relying on tools as any alcoholic would, not simply "stopping". That includes preparing a sobriety plan, considering AA, getting honest with your mother, your doctor, your therapist and people around you, coming onto SR and posting regularly etc.
But all of that then within the context of your OCD diagnosis. Perhaps part of your plan would therefore include the gym - as someone who describes herself as "obsessive", and not to downplay your diagnosis of OCD, that's been very helpful for me. And working with your new therapist on seriously stopping.
You can do this. Isn't it an irony that the night you drank 6x24oz cans, a 16 oz can and 8 shooters, you drank just as much as the 4x40 oz you mistakenly told the doctor, WITH the shooters on top? That's alcoholism for you. What you think is a lot to drink now is down the road waiting for you if you don't stop.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Replacing one habit (drinking) with another is typically what happens when we quit drinking anyway. Many people just dont see it that way. Recovery programs, exercise, shopping, working, various hobbies...all can replace the habit of drinking.
Just be careful with the next habit.
Theres the tendency to become addicted. I dont have true OCD, but Im obsessive, and sometimes compulsive, still. It is something I monitor. I overdid the distance running at first, then it was shopping. I am currently shifting to creative writing, but that is a good choice for me. And because theres not much instant gratification while writing, rather, loads of hard work, it likely wont ever be a true addiction.
You can do this. This is a great place for support. Welcome.
Just be careful with the next habit.
Theres the tendency to become addicted. I dont have true OCD, but Im obsessive, and sometimes compulsive, still. It is something I monitor. I overdid the distance running at first, then it was shopping. I am currently shifting to creative writing, but that is a good choice for me. And because theres not much instant gratification while writing, rather, loads of hard work, it likely wont ever be a true addiction.You can do this. This is a great place for support. Welcome.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Meant to call it a night around the time some of these last responses came in. I was getting really sleep-deprived and wanted to go to bed. Then, my mother left for about fifteen minutes, and it triggered me to secretly go up and buy two more 24oz's. I feel like an effing pathetic moron. I spent all of today telling you my story and how I want to quit, but I don't think it's that bad of a problem, etc. And look what I did.
I want to start anew tomorrow. I have so many reasons to stop drinking. I need to lose weight severely. I used to be skinny as a stick, but now I'm obese, just from beer alone. My liver HAS to get better.
Tomorrow should be a good day to get on it. My mother will be home all day, and then I'm going to see a movie at around 6 (normally a time I would drink). After I first posted on this forum earlier today, I've realized how badly I need to quit. This is deadly serious.
I can do this. Thanks for all the words of support. I'm going to hang my head low and hopefully get to sleep within an hour or so.
I want to start anew tomorrow. I have so many reasons to stop drinking. I need to lose weight severely. I used to be skinny as a stick, but now I'm obese, just from beer alone. My liver HAS to get better.
Tomorrow should be a good day to get on it. My mother will be home all day, and then I'm going to see a movie at around 6 (normally a time I would drink). After I first posted on this forum earlier today, I've realized how badly I need to quit. This is deadly serious.
I can do this. Thanks for all the words of support. I'm going to hang my head low and hopefully get to sleep within an hour or so.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Well, my mother ended up going out anyway about an hour ago. I'm doing this, though. Trigger or not, I'm not letting myself go up. After the first fifteen minutes, I'm gradually becoming less and less tempted. I'm positive I'll be able to make it today and tonight without drinking. Which will finally be an objectively good step in the right direction. Whether or not I can sustain that is something that I'll have to wait and see. But I plan to be extremely proactive and have this mindset tomorrow, too. If I can't, then I'll have to start looking into different recovery plans (something I should have done by now, anyway).
I'm going to try to reply to a lot of these comments at once, so sorry if I don't quote you directly (still haven't figured that out completely yet).
In terms of the word 'obsession,' you're almost entirely right. There is another meaning specific to OCD, but there's a lot of overlap with the definition as it pertains to addiction. With OCD, obsessions usually start as bad thoughts (which I'm way too embarrassed to talk about) that make you feel like you have to act out compulsively to make them go away. That's a lot of what the problem is for me, but when my obsessions and compulsions start including an illicit substance like alcohol, it does start to severely overlap (if not entirely take the form of) 'obsession' described in the context of addiction. Thanks for the information! It's a good step to understanding what's really going on and how much I have in common with other drinkers.
My therapist was a little more helpful than I'm probably doing him justice. Yes, his suggestion was 'Stop drinking,' but this was after three years of us discussing the problem and him helping me understand what my motivations might be and how irrational it is. He used to ask, "So what do you do about it?" and I wouldn't have an answer for him. Eventually he brought me around to "Don't drink. You've shown that you're capable of it. You know you won't have any problems." This was followed up by talking about how I need to replace the obsession with something healthy. Writing (I dabble in writing screenplays) and exercising were always the big ones. I still think that's my best bet. I was always extremely forthcoming about my problem and never downplayed it. He had a really good grasp on it and we worked on a CBT approach. I just really hope my new therapist will at least be able to understand it as fully as he did. Maybe she'll take a different approach that may prove more helpful, but getting on the same page will be the first step.
Just a few stray thoughts (it's helpful to share these things, so thank you so much for bearing with me)- I think a HUGE part of the problem is that I live 30 seconds away from a convenience store. So if I'm sitting here, obsessing over buying a beer, I'm there and back within two or three minutes. I go up every day anyway to buy cigarettes (I need to stop, I know), so it's always tempting to buy some while I'm there. I've recently started buying cartons, so I have no reason to go up. But, for instance, if they run out of Fireball, I just don't have Fireball. I could make a ten minute drive somewhere and get it, but it's not worth it. If they run out of beer I like (I only like one or two different beers, and that's constantly changing), then I don't get beer. I have to wonder if I didn't live right next to it, if I would have gotten this far with this problem. It also enabled me with scratch-offs and magazines, too. It's rough having immediate access to my problem.
And, lastly, something I'm sure you can all relate to. Last night, when I drank three 24oz's, it seriously didn't feel like I had a problem. It felt normal and non-problematic. I didn't really binge drink them. It took me about eight or nine hours to drink all of them. I went at least an hour or more between cans. I wasn't building up alcohol in my system as a binge drinker would. The entire time, I couldn't shake the feeling that everything was under control. Until I woke up today and realized- I drank three 24oz's. That's a six-pack. I drank a damn six-pack last night. That cognitive dissonance is just so strange. And maybe it would be normal for a guy to drink three 24oz's in a night in that period of time. But when I look at the fact that I've done it every day for the past three years, it's indicative of a very serious problem. A lot of you folks have been on this earth longer than I have- surely you've encountered this feeling, right? Feeling like just because you're not buzzing up or drinking as much as you think you could, that you're making progress. It's hard to put that in perspective.
Again, thanks again to everyone! Here's looking to an afternoon and evening of sobriety!
I'm going to try to reply to a lot of these comments at once, so sorry if I don't quote you directly (still haven't figured that out completely yet).
In terms of the word 'obsession,' you're almost entirely right. There is another meaning specific to OCD, but there's a lot of overlap with the definition as it pertains to addiction. With OCD, obsessions usually start as bad thoughts (which I'm way too embarrassed to talk about) that make you feel like you have to act out compulsively to make them go away. That's a lot of what the problem is for me, but when my obsessions and compulsions start including an illicit substance like alcohol, it does start to severely overlap (if not entirely take the form of) 'obsession' described in the context of addiction. Thanks for the information! It's a good step to understanding what's really going on and how much I have in common with other drinkers.
My therapist was a little more helpful than I'm probably doing him justice. Yes, his suggestion was 'Stop drinking,' but this was after three years of us discussing the problem and him helping me understand what my motivations might be and how irrational it is. He used to ask, "So what do you do about it?" and I wouldn't have an answer for him. Eventually he brought me around to "Don't drink. You've shown that you're capable of it. You know you won't have any problems." This was followed up by talking about how I need to replace the obsession with something healthy. Writing (I dabble in writing screenplays) and exercising were always the big ones. I still think that's my best bet. I was always extremely forthcoming about my problem and never downplayed it. He had a really good grasp on it and we worked on a CBT approach. I just really hope my new therapist will at least be able to understand it as fully as he did. Maybe she'll take a different approach that may prove more helpful, but getting on the same page will be the first step.
Just a few stray thoughts (it's helpful to share these things, so thank you so much for bearing with me)- I think a HUGE part of the problem is that I live 30 seconds away from a convenience store. So if I'm sitting here, obsessing over buying a beer, I'm there and back within two or three minutes. I go up every day anyway to buy cigarettes (I need to stop, I know), so it's always tempting to buy some while I'm there. I've recently started buying cartons, so I have no reason to go up. But, for instance, if they run out of Fireball, I just don't have Fireball. I could make a ten minute drive somewhere and get it, but it's not worth it. If they run out of beer I like (I only like one or two different beers, and that's constantly changing), then I don't get beer. I have to wonder if I didn't live right next to it, if I would have gotten this far with this problem. It also enabled me with scratch-offs and magazines, too. It's rough having immediate access to my problem.
And, lastly, something I'm sure you can all relate to. Last night, when I drank three 24oz's, it seriously didn't feel like I had a problem. It felt normal and non-problematic. I didn't really binge drink them. It took me about eight or nine hours to drink all of them. I went at least an hour or more between cans. I wasn't building up alcohol in my system as a binge drinker would. The entire time, I couldn't shake the feeling that everything was under control. Until I woke up today and realized- I drank three 24oz's. That's a six-pack. I drank a damn six-pack last night. That cognitive dissonance is just so strange. And maybe it would be normal for a guy to drink three 24oz's in a night in that period of time. But when I look at the fact that I've done it every day for the past three years, it's indicative of a very serious problem. A lot of you folks have been on this earth longer than I have- surely you've encountered this feeling, right? Feeling like just because you're not buzzing up or drinking as much as you think you could, that you're making progress. It's hard to put that in perspective.
Again, thanks again to everyone! Here's looking to an afternoon and evening of sobriety!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I promise I'll stop keep bumping this thread with updates about myself and start helping others in the forums more. But just thought I'd say I made it yesterday without imbibing. One day sober. (American) football is all day today, and that's a trigger, but I'm going to power through.
The more I reread my posts, I keep realizing how many excuses I keep making. Thanks for pushing back. I'll word it this way- having a convenience store a block from your house (so you don't even have to drive) is not particularly conducive to staying sober. At least in the early stages. Especially when you're used to daily visits (it's my only social interaction anymore- not just to buy beer, but for a soda or hot dog). But, yes, if my willpower is strong enough, and I truly do want to quit, it shouldn't be a problem. But if I can maintain this sobriety (and, believe me, I want to), I think it would be best to stay away from it for a week or two. Then gradually start going back and completely ignore the beer section.
Okay, I'm done bumping. Feel selfish. On to help others as best I can!
The more I reread my posts, I keep realizing how many excuses I keep making. Thanks for pushing back. I'll word it this way- having a convenience store a block from your house (so you don't even have to drive) is not particularly conducive to staying sober. At least in the early stages. Especially when you're used to daily visits (it's my only social interaction anymore- not just to buy beer, but for a soda or hot dog). But, yes, if my willpower is strong enough, and I truly do want to quit, it shouldn't be a problem. But if I can maintain this sobriety (and, believe me, I want to), I think it would be best to stay away from it for a week or two. Then gradually start going back and completely ignore the beer section.
Okay, I'm done bumping. Feel selfish. On to help others as best I can!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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There's nothing wrong with updating your situation PP - and yeah I do understand that early recovery is a lot harder to negotiate than it might be for me - what I was trying to do was show that it needn't always be a problem - we grow and change
D
D
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We want to hear how you're doing, PP. It's important to exchange thoughts, especially in the early days of trying to get sober. I remember walking through the wine section of the grocery store in my first few weeks - I was very emotional and sorry for myself. Don't know why, since it made me nothing but miserable in the end. Today I think nothing of that dreaded wine aisle. As Dee said, we grow and change. We go through many phases on our way to a better life.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
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Thanks for so much for your story! I was going to pick a story out of the Big Book because i've been slacking with the reading but i really am happy that i read your story instead. You deserve such an amazing life! I echo Forward 12's post in that alcohol to me was a slow growing monster. It want's you dead. Hang in there and seek out people that can help you. YOU ARE WORTH IT!
God Bless You
Garrison
God Bless You
Garrison
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Thank you, guys! Day 3 and doing well. No anxiety or cravings. I have no doubt I'll make it a substantial period of time, but it's probably inevitable that at some point, whether sooner or later, I'll relapse. Quitting has never been hard for me- it's just staying sober. A week would not be an accomplishment for me. I'd have to make it at least multiple months before I feel like I've actually accomplished something. So I need to be aggressive about this and make the inevitability go away.
Went to the convenience store today. Bought gum and an energy drink. Didn't look at the beer aisle, but I had to deal with checking out right next to the shooters. Either way, did it.
Thanks for listening to me, everybody, and comntnman740, I'm glad the story helped!
Went to the convenience store today. Bought gum and an energy drink. Didn't look at the beer aisle, but I had to deal with checking out right next to the shooters. Either way, did it.
Thanks for listening to me, everybody, and comntnman740, I'm glad the story helped!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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I have no doubt I'll make it a substantial period of time, but it's probably inevitable that at some point, whether sooner or later, I'll relapse.
I got to a point where I knew a relapse might mean death to me.
You might not be at that point yet but I think you need to see a relapse as something that can, and should, be entirely avoided.
I've not relapsed since April 2007. Before that I went back to drinking hundreds of times (no exaggeration) .
My point is....if we change, our outcomes change too.
The past need not be a determinant on the present.
Relapse is a part of my addiction - it's not part of my recovery.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston Ma
Posts: 980
I stopped drinking after my best friend died of liver disease. I have become almost obsessed with liver health, reading about the progression of liver disease, studying medical cases, diets. I've purchased lots of new foods etc. I recognize it as manifestation of OCD but so far productive.
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For some reason, I gave in last night. It was completely arbitrary. No triggers. No cravings. I just forgot about my sobriety and went up and bought beer. First, three 24oz's and five shooters, thinking that would last me all night. Then up again for another three 24oz's, a 16oz, and a shooter. Before I even drank the first batch. I was just collecting it, until it was late, and then I just drank it all. That's a dangerous amount.
Woke up this morning feeling absolutely terrible. Not really hungover. Just extremely ashamed. I can't convey to you how ashamed I felt/feel. I was bloated, I had diarrhea, I hadn't brushed my teeth or taken a shower, so I was disgusting. I went outside for my morning smoke, and I looked down at my shorts. At first I thought it was vomit. It was all over them. Then I came back downstairs, and I've been finding food in my bed ever since. Apparently I filled a bowl with cheese sauce and started eating tortilla chips. But I somehow managed to spill it everywhere. I still keep finding chips. So my shorts were just completely covered in cheese sauce. My sheets are covered in cheese sauce. In addition, my underpants were soaked. I apparently wet myself last night.
I had a text message from someone I didn't remember texting. Then I looked at my texts, and I texted 9 people last night. Most were innocuous, like, "Hey" or "Still up?" (these were all sent after midnight). Some were weird and gross, though. I was spilling secrets to people, even though no one was responding. I'm so ashamed. I'm depressed and almost suicidal just from the texts alone.
I sat here, feeling terrible about myself for about three hours. Then I showered, brushed my teeth, and changed clothes. I shut my phone off completely. At least I'm feeling better and not wallowing anymore.
So, back to square one.
Except I know I'm going to drink Saturday. I'm not even going to pretend I can power through it. I was invited to a friend's bachelor party, but I RSVP'd no, because 1) it was going to be wildly expensive and 2) it was basically just barhopping all night. This morning, they sent out a mass text, asking if anyone wanted to be the designated driver. I almost volunteered, before realizing that there's no way I'd be able to barhop with them all night and not give in. I'd be way too tempted, and then suddenly they'd have no one to drive them around safely.
But my mother will also be gone the entire day and night, into the next morning that night. I'm not going to pretend I can even try to make it through that night without drinking. It's just not going to happen. Terrible attitude to have, I know. But just not going to happen. Self-defeating, but I'm just being honest.
That sort of thing is an anomaly, though (bachelor party/having the house to myself for an entire night). Rarely happens. So I'm just going to allow myself to drink Saturday and instead focus on keeping it to a minimum. Then after that, I'm going to try this again. Also, though, in the meantime, I'm going try this again. The rest of this week, no drinking. Saturday, I'll drink, get it over with, and then after that, I'll be done.
How did I ever start thinking that drinking was a good idea? It has no positive benefits. Everything it does is negative and potentially life-threatening. There's not a single good thing about it.
Ughghghghghghgh. Now that I've cleaned myself up and composed myself, I don't feel like drinking anymore. This morning, I was tempted to just say eff it and go up and buy beer and drink all of today to try to make my shame go away. I'm glad I went this route instead. Sorry, everyone.
Woke up this morning feeling absolutely terrible. Not really hungover. Just extremely ashamed. I can't convey to you how ashamed I felt/feel. I was bloated, I had diarrhea, I hadn't brushed my teeth or taken a shower, so I was disgusting. I went outside for my morning smoke, and I looked down at my shorts. At first I thought it was vomit. It was all over them. Then I came back downstairs, and I've been finding food in my bed ever since. Apparently I filled a bowl with cheese sauce and started eating tortilla chips. But I somehow managed to spill it everywhere. I still keep finding chips. So my shorts were just completely covered in cheese sauce. My sheets are covered in cheese sauce. In addition, my underpants were soaked. I apparently wet myself last night.
I had a text message from someone I didn't remember texting. Then I looked at my texts, and I texted 9 people last night. Most were innocuous, like, "Hey" or "Still up?" (these were all sent after midnight). Some were weird and gross, though. I was spilling secrets to people, even though no one was responding. I'm so ashamed. I'm depressed and almost suicidal just from the texts alone.
I sat here, feeling terrible about myself for about three hours. Then I showered, brushed my teeth, and changed clothes. I shut my phone off completely. At least I'm feeling better and not wallowing anymore.
So, back to square one.
Except I know I'm going to drink Saturday. I'm not even going to pretend I can power through it. I was invited to a friend's bachelor party, but I RSVP'd no, because 1) it was going to be wildly expensive and 2) it was basically just barhopping all night. This morning, they sent out a mass text, asking if anyone wanted to be the designated driver. I almost volunteered, before realizing that there's no way I'd be able to barhop with them all night and not give in. I'd be way too tempted, and then suddenly they'd have no one to drive them around safely.
But my mother will also be gone the entire day and night, into the next morning that night. I'm not going to pretend I can even try to make it through that night without drinking. It's just not going to happen. Terrible attitude to have, I know. But just not going to happen. Self-defeating, but I'm just being honest.
That sort of thing is an anomaly, though (bachelor party/having the house to myself for an entire night). Rarely happens. So I'm just going to allow myself to drink Saturday and instead focus on keeping it to a minimum. Then after that, I'm going to try this again. Also, though, in the meantime, I'm going try this again. The rest of this week, no drinking. Saturday, I'll drink, get it over with, and then after that, I'll be done.
How did I ever start thinking that drinking was a good idea? It has no positive benefits. Everything it does is negative and potentially life-threatening. There's not a single good thing about it.
Ughghghghghghgh. Now that I've cleaned myself up and composed myself, I don't feel like drinking anymore. This morning, I was tempted to just say eff it and go up and buy beer and drink all of today to try to make my shame go away. I'm glad I went this route instead. Sorry, everyone.
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