1 week sober and terrified
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Dowagiac mi
Posts: 2
1 week sober and terrified
I don't even know where to start so, Here goes.
It's been 7 days since I've had a drink. I started drinking 5 years ago after my husband and I hosted our first large family Christmas party and 80% of our guests ended up with Noro Virus (awful stomach flue type bug). Someone brought a sick kiddo to the party and wishing 48 hours everyone pretty much was sick. I felt awful even though it wasn't anyone's fault, I slipped into an anxiety panic attack spiral and that large crockpot of mulled wine was going to waste. So I had a glass (a big one) and that's where it started. In retrospect - it's so stupid.
Started having a glass before bed, then it was 2-3 before long.
I had been diagnosed with a sleep disorder earlier that year and my dr had me on Ambien every night and it worked well, but my husband didn't like me taking it, he thought it made me weird (I did have a couple of sleep talking bits and fell asleep during a conversation as I was learning how the med worked with my body). So the wine at night was letting me sleep without taking the ambien and in my head, that was one less thing my husband could be upset with me about.
Nine years ago we welcomed beautiful twins into the world, the pregnancy reeked havoc on my body - by abdominal muscles tore and never went back together ( Diastasis recti) and requires surgical repair, the result is little to no core strength and lots of back pain. I also lost 150 pounds. We tried physical therapy for almost a year, but the muscle damage was to severe. Our insurance denied the surgery claiming it not 100% necessary as the pain could be treated with medication.
My physician prescribed me Tramadol, a non narcotic anti inflammatory drug that worked well. I was to take it three times a day. But, my husband didn't like me taking that either.
So this wine thing seemed to knock out more and more birds with one stone. (Yes, I know I was just coming up with excuses to make the drinking legitimate). We had 2-3 arguments about the wine, but he wasn't home when I drank 90% of the time (he worked 3rd shift). Over the course of 5 years, it just kept going. I'd convince myself I was like all my other mom friends who loved their wine, who could polish off a bottle in an evening.
About a year ago I started to try to hide it and that's when I officially admitted to myself that it was a problem. But I kept going. Every evening, after the kids were in bed, husband at work, lunches packed, clothes laid out....I got to escape. It was like a little bubble of peace.
Last week my husband and I had a huge argument. He was angry about the drinking and I knew that moment was coming. Once the arguing was over, the talking started. He was supportive and honest to God for the first time in a very long time I actually felt like he cared about me. He said he was going to get rid of all and any alcohol we had in the house (a bottle of wine and a handful of craft beers in the fridge.) . He assured me if we went out, we wouldn't go to a restaurant that served alcohol until I was ready. He's not a drinker anyhow, but if we did end up at an establishment with alcohol, he'd abstain, in a show of support and strength. I never asked him to do those things, he wanted to, for me. We talked about telling other people about my plans for sobriety and he agreed that I could/should tell people when or if it's comfortable for me. I don't really have any friends that I see (we recently moved and I'm fairly shy). We don't have local family, outside of my step-father who travels 75% of the year. I felt so strong and so empowered that I could make the changes. That was a week ago.
This past Sunday, my stepfather invited us out for dinner, we agreed to pick a place when we got there. It's a small town, only two options for dinner dining; a Mexican restaurant or the local brew pub. We have everyone in the car, stepfather announces he only wants to eat in town (pressed for time). I quickly suggest the Mexican restaurant (we all love the food), turns out they were closed. So we end up at the brew pub - to be honest, the food is out of this world.
Three days sober and I'm sitting in a bar. Addmittedly, I was pretty quiet, I told myself, I've got my husband, he's with me, I can survive the next 90 minutes and meal. Our twins were with us and they keep everyone on their toes, awesome distraction We all sit down, I sit next to my husband. Waitress comes for drink orders. I order water for myself and kids. Stepfather orders a beer (I fully expected that). What I didn't expect, was my husband also ordering a beer. I never asked him not to, that was solely his idea, but I was shocked.
It hit me that I was in this on my own and I was going to have to rethink my game plan on sobriety and adjust. I was being fairly quiet, trying to wrap my head around 3 three days sobor and how the f*** did I end up at a brewpub. (Sorry about the language). 20 minutes into dinner, my stepdad snaps 'you need to engage and be a part of the conversation' - so I fake it and try to turn my thought process off because having the 'I'm an alcoholic, I don't want to drink anymore, I'm doing the best I can but I'm scared, alone and I don't want to be here' in front of a restaurant and most importantly my nine year old kids was NOT on my list of activities for the day.
I have come to the conclusion that I really am in this alone and I think that's ok. I got myself into it, I want to stop, and that is solely on me. My not drinking has nothing to do with anyone else drinking, I'm the one with the problem. If my husband hadn't mentioned him not drinking around me, I never would have expected that.
I haven't been to a meeting, although I'd like to. The ones that are within 35 miles of me are in the evening. My husband is now on 2nd shift and is gone from 12:30-11:45 each day. We don't have family or neighbors to watch the kids for 2 hours so I can make a meeting, one of our twins has some developmental delays so finding a sitter has always proven to be a challenge.
So, it's officially one week sobor. I'm terrified and I feel incredibly isolated. My husband keeps telling me it's just willpower, if I want it enough I won't drink. So far, I like not drinking, ok, I like not feeling like garbage after I drink. But that's just today at this moment.
It's been 7 days since I've had a drink. I started drinking 5 years ago after my husband and I hosted our first large family Christmas party and 80% of our guests ended up with Noro Virus (awful stomach flue type bug). Someone brought a sick kiddo to the party and wishing 48 hours everyone pretty much was sick. I felt awful even though it wasn't anyone's fault, I slipped into an anxiety panic attack spiral and that large crockpot of mulled wine was going to waste. So I had a glass (a big one) and that's where it started. In retrospect - it's so stupid.
Started having a glass before bed, then it was 2-3 before long.
I had been diagnosed with a sleep disorder earlier that year and my dr had me on Ambien every night and it worked well, but my husband didn't like me taking it, he thought it made me weird (I did have a couple of sleep talking bits and fell asleep during a conversation as I was learning how the med worked with my body). So the wine at night was letting me sleep without taking the ambien and in my head, that was one less thing my husband could be upset with me about.
Nine years ago we welcomed beautiful twins into the world, the pregnancy reeked havoc on my body - by abdominal muscles tore and never went back together ( Diastasis recti) and requires surgical repair, the result is little to no core strength and lots of back pain. I also lost 150 pounds. We tried physical therapy for almost a year, but the muscle damage was to severe. Our insurance denied the surgery claiming it not 100% necessary as the pain could be treated with medication.
My physician prescribed me Tramadol, a non narcotic anti inflammatory drug that worked well. I was to take it three times a day. But, my husband didn't like me taking that either.
So this wine thing seemed to knock out more and more birds with one stone. (Yes, I know I was just coming up with excuses to make the drinking legitimate). We had 2-3 arguments about the wine, but he wasn't home when I drank 90% of the time (he worked 3rd shift). Over the course of 5 years, it just kept going. I'd convince myself I was like all my other mom friends who loved their wine, who could polish off a bottle in an evening.
About a year ago I started to try to hide it and that's when I officially admitted to myself that it was a problem. But I kept going. Every evening, after the kids were in bed, husband at work, lunches packed, clothes laid out....I got to escape. It was like a little bubble of peace.
Last week my husband and I had a huge argument. He was angry about the drinking and I knew that moment was coming. Once the arguing was over, the talking started. He was supportive and honest to God for the first time in a very long time I actually felt like he cared about me. He said he was going to get rid of all and any alcohol we had in the house (a bottle of wine and a handful of craft beers in the fridge.) . He assured me if we went out, we wouldn't go to a restaurant that served alcohol until I was ready. He's not a drinker anyhow, but if we did end up at an establishment with alcohol, he'd abstain, in a show of support and strength. I never asked him to do those things, he wanted to, for me. We talked about telling other people about my plans for sobriety and he agreed that I could/should tell people when or if it's comfortable for me. I don't really have any friends that I see (we recently moved and I'm fairly shy). We don't have local family, outside of my step-father who travels 75% of the year. I felt so strong and so empowered that I could make the changes. That was a week ago.
This past Sunday, my stepfather invited us out for dinner, we agreed to pick a place when we got there. It's a small town, only two options for dinner dining; a Mexican restaurant or the local brew pub. We have everyone in the car, stepfather announces he only wants to eat in town (pressed for time). I quickly suggest the Mexican restaurant (we all love the food), turns out they were closed. So we end up at the brew pub - to be honest, the food is out of this world.
Three days sober and I'm sitting in a bar. Addmittedly, I was pretty quiet, I told myself, I've got my husband, he's with me, I can survive the next 90 minutes and meal. Our twins were with us and they keep everyone on their toes, awesome distraction We all sit down, I sit next to my husband. Waitress comes for drink orders. I order water for myself and kids. Stepfather orders a beer (I fully expected that). What I didn't expect, was my husband also ordering a beer. I never asked him not to, that was solely his idea, but I was shocked.
It hit me that I was in this on my own and I was going to have to rethink my game plan on sobriety and adjust. I was being fairly quiet, trying to wrap my head around 3 three days sobor and how the f*** did I end up at a brewpub. (Sorry about the language). 20 minutes into dinner, my stepdad snaps 'you need to engage and be a part of the conversation' - so I fake it and try to turn my thought process off because having the 'I'm an alcoholic, I don't want to drink anymore, I'm doing the best I can but I'm scared, alone and I don't want to be here' in front of a restaurant and most importantly my nine year old kids was NOT on my list of activities for the day.
I have come to the conclusion that I really am in this alone and I think that's ok. I got myself into it, I want to stop, and that is solely on me. My not drinking has nothing to do with anyone else drinking, I'm the one with the problem. If my husband hadn't mentioned him not drinking around me, I never would have expected that.
I haven't been to a meeting, although I'd like to. The ones that are within 35 miles of me are in the evening. My husband is now on 2nd shift and is gone from 12:30-11:45 each day. We don't have family or neighbors to watch the kids for 2 hours so I can make a meeting, one of our twins has some developmental delays so finding a sitter has always proven to be a challenge.
So, it's officially one week sobor. I'm terrified and I feel incredibly isolated. My husband keeps telling me it's just willpower, if I want it enough I won't drink. So far, I like not drinking, ok, I like not feeling like garbage after I drink. But that's just today at this moment.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Your not alone no more this is a great sober community with lots of great people to meet & chat with the information here & the mods are top notch & I just want to say welcome nice to meet you
Can't wait for your next post x
Can't wait for your next post x
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
I was a wine drinker who in the beginning waited until the kids were in bed and then I could relax. But this disease is progressive. It may have started after the kids went to bed but it ended with Mom packing a bag and kissing those kids goodbye for 30 days.
Now I live alcohol free. It is great.
Now I live alcohol free. It is great.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Welcome to SR, ByTheWater!
Stick with us and keep posting.
Some people will never understand addiction and that it's not about willpower, but the people here get it. You're not alone.
Stick with us and keep posting.
Some people will never understand addiction and that it's not about willpower, but the people here get it. You're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
You are not alone, willpower alone won't keep you sober. Most of us cannot stay sober on our own. Stick around SR, make a recovery plan. Post often. Try to get to meetings if you can. Read lots and lots of recovery literature.
You are very fortunate to have such a supportive husband
So glad to meet you and you're doing great!
You are very fortunate to have such a supportive husband
So glad to meet you and you're doing great!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi and welcome to SR. You're doing really well but I found that added support, here and in real life, were SO important.
It sounds like your husband is in your corner. Even though you had the initial argument, you talked about it afterwards and he's trying to help. People who aren't dependent on alcohol don't understand that it isn't just a matter of willpower. There has to be an entire shift in day to day living.
It's too bad your stepdad yelled at you to join in on the conversation but I used to do what you did, in the beginning. Zoning out. Feeling apart from everyone else sitting there because I had this big Scarlet A on my forehead. It does get better.
Read around to learn. You can find a lot of support and helpful information here. Stick around. It does get better.
It sounds like your husband is in your corner. Even though you had the initial argument, you talked about it afterwards and he's trying to help. People who aren't dependent on alcohol don't understand that it isn't just a matter of willpower. There has to be an entire shift in day to day living.
It's too bad your stepdad yelled at you to join in on the conversation but I used to do what you did, in the beginning. Zoning out. Feeling apart from everyone else sitting there because I had this big Scarlet A on my forehead. It does get better.
Read around to learn. You can find a lot of support and helpful information here. Stick around. It does get better.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Good job on a week!! Great start........
I listened to many of these AA speakers online and find it very helpful when I can't make meetings. Perhaps you'd like to check them out......
5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
Glad you're here with us, keep coming back!
I listened to many of these AA speakers online and find it very helpful when I can't make meetings. Perhaps you'd like to check them out......
5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
Glad you're here with us, keep coming back!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
You are not alone, and many of us recover without AA meetings.
I totally relate to your restaurant experience. I had the exact same experience when we went to a neighbourhood get-together in the first week of me not drinking. I kind of expected my husband might drink a bit, but I was not
expecting how isolated and miserable I would feel. I stayed away from places with alcohol for many months after that. Ultimately, it is up to you to do this and trust me, you can do it.
Following is a link with lots of ideas for recovery:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
I totally relate to your restaurant experience. I had the exact same experience when we went to a neighbourhood get-together in the first week of me not drinking. I kind of expected my husband might drink a bit, but I was not
expecting how isolated and miserable I would feel. I stayed away from places with alcohol for many months after that. Ultimately, it is up to you to do this and trust me, you can do it.
Following is a link with lots of ideas for recovery:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Welcome to the forum. This place has been a massive support to me throughout my sober journey, as has AA. None of us are alone. We all have each other, and if you can find a way of sorting child care you can have the fellowship of AA as well. Where in the world are you. In the UK, if children have a statement then their parents can apply for respite. Some parents take that in bigger blocks and others just have some regular childcare (from people who work in the field and understand how to support properly). It might be worth investigating. I work at a special Ed school, so most of our parents are well informed about what they can apply for, but I know that parents who's SEN children and young people attend mainstream schools don't always find out so easily. I hope something is available for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Conifer
Posts: 3
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you are not alone in this fight. I have been amazed at how many people, that I interact with on a daily basis, who are actually in recovery. I was able to make it 1 year and 7 days so far without going to meetings, so it is possible.
And you've already made it 7 days, just think how amazing you will feel after week 2, month 1, etc. Everything gets better!
Please don't give up, you'll only be giving up on yourself and you're worth fighting for!
And you've already made it 7 days, just think how amazing you will feel after week 2, month 1, etc. Everything gets better!
Please don't give up, you'll only be giving up on yourself and you're worth fighting for!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,580
Hi ByTheWater, and welcome. Really well done on quitting! And great job getting through that dinner ... a lot of us know just how tough that can be. I felt really awkward at first in restaurants. It does get easier with time. You can definitely do this!
Look around, post, check out some of the resources here. There is a ton of support available, even if meetings don't work out for you. You're not alone in this.
Look around, post, check out some of the resources here. There is a ton of support available, even if meetings don't work out for you. You're not alone in this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Dowagiac mi
Posts: 2
Many, many thanks
I don't even know where to start.....the response, the support, the encouragement......I don't have enough words to express my gratitude.
I feel like I'm almost living hour to hour these last few days. I feel like making lists of tasks to complete is helping me, regardless that it seems a bit neurotic - it's working.
I feel like I'm almost living hour to hour these last few days. I feel like making lists of tasks to complete is helping me, regardless that it seems a bit neurotic - it's working.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
If you're wanting to make lists etc, then it might be worth looking through Dee's thread about making a plan and starting one for yourself. There are some fantastic links on there... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html
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