Tired of alcohol and the feelings it brings
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by kkik5 
There's such a difference between knowingly deciding to take a break from things and being forced to take a break, because you can't stop your bumsweating and nausea. Essentially, it's that powerful feeling of deciding for yourself, not letting the drink decide for you.
Keep on going.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Originally Posted by kkik5
And one thing got confirmed (okay, for no jinx sake, I'll say 90% confirmed) today - I'm going to Australia for two weeks in January. Given that the winters where I live are on average -25 C/ -13 F, an escape to Australia? To do the science I really like? With awesome, like-minded people (albeit from a different discipline)? What has two thumbs and is over the moon? This guy, typing the text.
I'm from a poor family, essentially - single mother who's a cashier and people don't respect what cashiers do to pay them what their work is worth, two kids to take care of. Never lacked anything due to my grandparents helping out when needed, but never got to travel either. But I've been to all of the places in the world by reading books, reading about the history, culture and traditions, cooking their food. And now I get to (90% sure) visit one of my dream destinations?
I'm so happy I could cry right now.
But I'll still take it one day at a time. Today was just a great day.
I'm from a poor family, essentially - single mother who's a cashier and people don't respect what cashiers do to pay them what their work is worth, two kids to take care of. Never lacked anything due to my grandparents helping out when needed, but never got to travel either. But I've been to all of the places in the world by reading books, reading about the history, culture and traditions, cooking their food. And now I get to (90% sure) visit one of my dream destinations?
I'm so happy I could cry right now.
But I'll still take it one day at a time. Today was just a great day.
Occasionally I will find myself in a situation that not in a million years would I have thought would happen to me. And my thought process goes something like this: gee, if you'd told me when I was a kid I'd get to do this, I'd never have believed you. But wait, I almost threw all of this away. But wait again, I didn't, I managed to get sober. Phew, thank heavens. Thank heavens I got sober.
Make your mum proud of you.
You will love Australia.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Thank you for all the good wishes.
Calling it an early night. End of Day 18.
I have a cold, the ceiling of my mouth is tender, the throat is itchy and uncomfortable. Weirdly, as the symptoms progressed, I had these facepalm flashbacks.
I used to drink even when I was sick like this. And not a thimble of whisky in the tea - 6-packs of cheap beer, multiple ones. Beer aggravates the infection, but gotta drink it right... What a horrible way to treat myself. Not to mention that a cold for me (without anything external making it worse) is that 'get the priest' sort of illness with watery eyes, stuffy nose, painful throat and the worst one is the inability to focus. So work or reading is out the window.
But I got my Coldrex, going to drink the tea and go to bed. Did not have any cravings today either and even though a bit ill, I'm calm(er) about things.
I wanted to post something earlier, but I thought it maybe too extreme or too easy to be misunderstood by people. I'll just ask the question, go to bed and if anyone replies, I'll read about it in the morning, so here goes: For those who have been sober for a longer period of time, looking at your life now and comparing it to what it was like when you were still drinking - since the drinking drove you to stopping and that in turn led you to sobriety, a new lease on life - have you ever thought that the drinking problem, in a twisted way, was a blessing in (deep deep) disguise?
The way you appreciate waking up without a hangover or feeling raw emotions in an unaltered way. Things like that. You've been through the storm, maybe almost drowned even, but now you are making the weather. The level of appreciation is, I would think, quite different?
Taking it one day at a time.
Calling it an early night. End of Day 18.
I have a cold, the ceiling of my mouth is tender, the throat is itchy and uncomfortable. Weirdly, as the symptoms progressed, I had these facepalm flashbacks.
I used to drink even when I was sick like this. And not a thimble of whisky in the tea - 6-packs of cheap beer, multiple ones. Beer aggravates the infection, but gotta drink it right... What a horrible way to treat myself. Not to mention that a cold for me (without anything external making it worse) is that 'get the priest' sort of illness with watery eyes, stuffy nose, painful throat and the worst one is the inability to focus. So work or reading is out the window.
But I got my Coldrex, going to drink the tea and go to bed. Did not have any cravings today either and even though a bit ill, I'm calm(er) about things.
I wanted to post something earlier, but I thought it maybe too extreme or too easy to be misunderstood by people. I'll just ask the question, go to bed and if anyone replies, I'll read about it in the morning, so here goes: For those who have been sober for a longer period of time, looking at your life now and comparing it to what it was like when you were still drinking - since the drinking drove you to stopping and that in turn led you to sobriety, a new lease on life - have you ever thought that the drinking problem, in a twisted way, was a blessing in (deep deep) disguise?
The way you appreciate waking up without a hangover or feeling raw emotions in an unaltered way. Things like that. You've been through the storm, maybe almost drowned even, but now you are making the weather. The level of appreciation is, I would think, quite different?
Taking it one day at a time.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Morning of Day 19.
I feel horrible. My ear is aching, my nose is congested and I'm on borrowed time as to when my throat will start aching as well.
What's more, I'm starting to get these 'suggestions' from my family that I really should just put some vodka in my tea, kill the bacteria and help me sleep. Now this is one of the things I will probably never get - they know other alcoholics and talk about them like those people are the worst; they know I cannot stop when I start and I've proven and reiterated this fact to them many times over; yet, they still come up with these 'superb solutions'. How come they STILL do not understand that there's no difference regarding why or how much alcohol is involved - it's STILL alcohol. The brevity of their memory span is quite amazing.
What makes it ridiculous is that I don't keep vodka at home, I never have. When I wanted to drink vodka, I just bought some and drank it, this wasn't a household item. The actual alcohol-free medicine from the pharmacy costs less than vodka ... yet I've received no suggestions on that...
I feel horrible. My ear is aching, my nose is congested and I'm on borrowed time as to when my throat will start aching as well.
What's more, I'm starting to get these 'suggestions' from my family that I really should just put some vodka in my tea, kill the bacteria and help me sleep. Now this is one of the things I will probably never get - they know other alcoholics and talk about them like those people are the worst; they know I cannot stop when I start and I've proven and reiterated this fact to them many times over; yet, they still come up with these 'superb solutions'. How come they STILL do not understand that there's no difference regarding why or how much alcohol is involved - it's STILL alcohol. The brevity of their memory span is quite amazing.
What makes it ridiculous is that I don't keep vodka at home, I never have. When I wanted to drink vodka, I just bought some and drank it, this wasn't a household item. The actual alcohol-free medicine from the pharmacy costs less than vodka ... yet I've received no suggestions on that...
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
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To answer your question kikk, I think any addict who's sobered up and been enlightened properly can't help but help but to have gratitude for their path no matter how hard it was. It makes us more compassionate and able to help others like us. What a great gift to get and be able to give, no?
Not only that but when we really commit to getting better, we dig down deep and deal with the monkeys on our back to be able to lead a richer, healthier life than most people. Might not be the case for all, but I am certain is the case for many.
I am sorry you are feeling so ill, I hope you feel better soon. (I'm sick right now too. Boo!) And good job on the time put in. Hang in there.
Not only that but when we really commit to getting better, we dig down deep and deal with the monkeys on our back to be able to lead a richer, healthier life than most people. Might not be the case for all, but I am certain is the case for many.
I am sorry you are feeling so ill, I hope you feel better soon. (I'm sick right now too. Boo!) And good job on the time put in. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Originally Posted by kkik5
I wanted to post something earlier, but I thought it maybe too extreme or too easy to be misunderstood by people. I'll just ask the question, go to bed and if anyone replies, I'll read about it in the morning, so here goes: For those who have been sober for a longer period of time, looking at your life now and comparing it to what it was like when you were still drinking - since the drinking drove you to stopping and that in turn led you to sobriety, a new lease on life - have you ever thought that the drinking problem, in a twisted way, was a blessing in (deep deep) disguise?
The other thing I've become increasing grateful for, which other people might not agree with, is that, because of my experience as an alcoholic, I now recognise alcohol as a very powerful cell-damaging toxin that I am far better off avoiding. In this sense, I am quite happy not to be a "normal drinker".
I'm sorry your family does not understand, but I'd try not to be frustrated by it. My family still grapples with it. Only my father truly gets it because he's also an alcoholic. Which is why places like AA and this site are so important.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 937
Hi KKik,
Thank you for this wonderful thread.
I really appreciate your openess and your very cerebral approach to your sober journey.
My own sobriety is still very much in its infancy but already I've had many moments where I've felt grateful for becoming an alcoholic.
So in answer to your question, I don't believe it would have been possible to have as much appreciation for the smallest of things if I hadn't have succumbed to the addiction first.
Every sober day I have is a gift. Whether I'm up or down, I try and remember this.
Good luck to you on your own journey & please keep posting.
Thank you for this wonderful thread.
I really appreciate your openess and your very cerebral approach to your sober journey.
My own sobriety is still very much in its infancy but already I've had many moments where I've felt grateful for becoming an alcoholic.
So in answer to your question, I don't believe it would have been possible to have as much appreciation for the smallest of things if I hadn't have succumbed to the addiction first.
Every sober day I have is a gift. Whether I'm up or down, I try and remember this.
Good luck to you on your own journey & please keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 937
Hi KKik,
Thank you for this wonderful thread.
I really appreciate your openess and your very cerebral approach to your sober journey.
My own sobriety is still very much in its infancy but already I've had many moments where I've felt grateful for becoming an alcoholic.
So in answer to your question, I don't believe it would have been possible to have as much appreciation for the smallest of things if I hadn't have succumbed to the addiction first.
Every sober day I have is a gift. Whether I'm up or down, I try and remember this.
Good luck to you on your own journey & please keep posting.
Thank you for this wonderful thread.
I really appreciate your openess and your very cerebral approach to your sober journey.
My own sobriety is still very much in its infancy but already I've had many moments where I've felt grateful for becoming an alcoholic.
So in answer to your question, I don't believe it would have been possible to have as much appreciation for the smallest of things if I hadn't have succumbed to the addiction first.
Every sober day I have is a gift. Whether I'm up or down, I try and remember this.
Good luck to you on your own journey & please keep posting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
End of Day 19.
The cold got a bit better during the day, but now it's night-time and it's back at its most uncomfortable. Still tea and then off to bed.
No cravings to mention.
I wanted to expand a little on my previous question - not that I'm awfully worried about the health of my 'non-alcoholic' friends who drink, but what I meant was that for many of them, the wall never comes up. The way it used to be was that we'd drink together, way too much, but they slept it off, whined about the hangover and then got on with their life (and it is pretty much the same now, just less frequent). However, what I did, was to go on sprees + I'd always be the one who'd voluntarily walk off a cliff with booze. And because of all that, I had a clear-cut choice in front of me - want a life, stop drinking; don't want one, keep on drinking. The appropriate characterisation of this particular choice is 'Simple, but not easy'. And that's the thing, people who drink to excess (mostly weekend warriors), but for whom the alcohol doesn't carry such a stigma and they tend to mess things up fairly rarely, just keep poisoning themselves. That's what made me wonder about the 'simple' choice as a blessing in disguise.
Essentially, none of this is my problem and I don't pretend it to be so. I'm just figuring things out for myself. But it does feel awkward when people (aka normal drinkers) complain to me about their hangover. It's mostly from habit, I guess, but it still leaves me divided - on one hand, I want to (and I certainly can) relate to their 'horrible experience called hangover', for the sake of empathy. On the other hand, however, I want absolutely nothing to do with those talks. Sort of 'You made the bed, now sleep in it.' Why this is even a thing that's on my mind, is because I don't know how the first version would play out with my own brain, i.e. giving it signals that feeling emphatic about someone's hangover, in a way, makes you closer to those people. (As if there were no other viable options in terms of connecting with people). These are still the drinker habits I'm carrying around with myself and want to be rid of. The only way I'll be rid of them, is by my example, not my words - I just no longer want to hear about a normal drinker's hangover. And I want none of my own.
Another aspect about addiction having the potential to be a hidden blessing, is the way it has forced our hand. I believe recovering addicts to be one of the most (if not the most) spiritually open-minded people out there. The wealth of collective knowledge available here on SR is astonishing. Obviously, addiction is not the sole way to a spiritual wake-up, but it seems to be the path many must take in order to reclaim control over their lives. Alcoholism acts as a long term cast on your stronger hand, forcing you to learn how to write with the other - that is, if you're willing to learn. The end-result could be ambidexterity, if we let it.
I don't know where the quote originates from, I know I heard it on a recovery podcast. It went like this: "Religion is for people who don't want to go to Hell, spirituality is for people who have been to Hell and don't want to go back". Not to spite people of any specific religion, of course, it's just that sometimes spirituality emerges from without.
To end my fever-driven rant, here's a quote I could have placed in the very beginning, by Rumi, which explains what I meant in far fewer words:
“Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure.”
One day at a time. Good night.
The cold got a bit better during the day, but now it's night-time and it's back at its most uncomfortable. Still tea and then off to bed.
No cravings to mention.
I wanted to expand a little on my previous question - not that I'm awfully worried about the health of my 'non-alcoholic' friends who drink, but what I meant was that for many of them, the wall never comes up. The way it used to be was that we'd drink together, way too much, but they slept it off, whined about the hangover and then got on with their life (and it is pretty much the same now, just less frequent). However, what I did, was to go on sprees + I'd always be the one who'd voluntarily walk off a cliff with booze. And because of all that, I had a clear-cut choice in front of me - want a life, stop drinking; don't want one, keep on drinking. The appropriate characterisation of this particular choice is 'Simple, but not easy'. And that's the thing, people who drink to excess (mostly weekend warriors), but for whom the alcohol doesn't carry such a stigma and they tend to mess things up fairly rarely, just keep poisoning themselves. That's what made me wonder about the 'simple' choice as a blessing in disguise.
Essentially, none of this is my problem and I don't pretend it to be so. I'm just figuring things out for myself. But it does feel awkward when people (aka normal drinkers) complain to me about their hangover. It's mostly from habit, I guess, but it still leaves me divided - on one hand, I want to (and I certainly can) relate to their 'horrible experience called hangover', for the sake of empathy. On the other hand, however, I want absolutely nothing to do with those talks. Sort of 'You made the bed, now sleep in it.' Why this is even a thing that's on my mind, is because I don't know how the first version would play out with my own brain, i.e. giving it signals that feeling emphatic about someone's hangover, in a way, makes you closer to those people. (As if there were no other viable options in terms of connecting with people). These are still the drinker habits I'm carrying around with myself and want to be rid of. The only way I'll be rid of them, is by my example, not my words - I just no longer want to hear about a normal drinker's hangover. And I want none of my own.
Another aspect about addiction having the potential to be a hidden blessing, is the way it has forced our hand. I believe recovering addicts to be one of the most (if not the most) spiritually open-minded people out there. The wealth of collective knowledge available here on SR is astonishing. Obviously, addiction is not the sole way to a spiritual wake-up, but it seems to be the path many must take in order to reclaim control over their lives. Alcoholism acts as a long term cast on your stronger hand, forcing you to learn how to write with the other - that is, if you're willing to learn. The end-result could be ambidexterity, if we let it.
I don't know where the quote originates from, I know I heard it on a recovery podcast. It went like this: "Religion is for people who don't want to go to Hell, spirituality is for people who have been to Hell and don't want to go back". Not to spite people of any specific religion, of course, it's just that sometimes spirituality emerges from without.
To end my fever-driven rant, here's a quote I could have placed in the very beginning, by Rumi, which explains what I meant in far fewer words:
“Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure.”
One day at a time. Good night.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
End of Day 20. Calling it an early night. Coldrex and coffee are apparently keeping me alive. No particular need to describe a bad cold to anyone.
What I figured, though, is that even though it feels pretty bad, it's tons better than a hangover.
Calling it an early night. Hopefully the illness has reached its peak and it's only going to get better from this point onward. (Really, I'm posting this for discipline purposes, even daily posting is a form of accountability for me - if I know I must post something at the end of the day, I sure as shiitake cannot drink during the day)
One day at a time.
What I figured, though, is that even though it feels pretty bad, it's tons better than a hangover.
Calling it an early night. Hopefully the illness has reached its peak and it's only going to get better from this point onward. (Really, I'm posting this for discipline purposes, even daily posting is a form of accountability for me - if I know I must post something at the end of the day, I sure as shiitake cannot drink during the day)
One day at a time.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Noon of Day 21. The fever broke and I feel like I'm about to rejoin the humankind once more. Still cough and keep handkerchiefs around, but it's getting better. Think the last time I was ill, was in January - and took me a lot longer to recover even though it was the same thing. If you combine heavy drinking and the fact my fitness/health level is akin to that of a 90 yr old solitaire enthusiast, you get really long recovery times from the smallest of ailments.
Since early nights have given some time to think about things, I've recently noticed that in my mind, when certain scenarios which would usually include drinking pop up, I have started to diffuse them.
Case in point, my best friends live in the UK, so we see maybe once a year in person. It has always involved drinking. Now when I think about it, I've been consistent in injecting the 'I don't drink' sentence in there. Playing the scenario through in a manner that could involve them having a drink, but me simply being happy for the opportunity to spend time with them. The thing about alcohol is that it numbs the brain to the point where things and events which used to bring excitement, just don't anymore. I mean, I used to be over the moon if I could go to the movies or have McDonald's every three months or so (I know, this is 'kid stuff', but it's relevant to show how low the threshold for excitement and fun can be if I don't poison myself). And in this vein, getting that one opportunity a year to spend time with my best friends should be the greatest thing ever! The booze mind, however, keeps repeating it'll be crap without a proper drink. Have to keep repeating again and again 'I don't drink', so the brain would start getting the message on all the levels.
Since early nights have given some time to think about things, I've recently noticed that in my mind, when certain scenarios which would usually include drinking pop up, I have started to diffuse them.
Case in point, my best friends live in the UK, so we see maybe once a year in person. It has always involved drinking. Now when I think about it, I've been consistent in injecting the 'I don't drink' sentence in there. Playing the scenario through in a manner that could involve them having a drink, but me simply being happy for the opportunity to spend time with them. The thing about alcohol is that it numbs the brain to the point where things and events which used to bring excitement, just don't anymore. I mean, I used to be over the moon if I could go to the movies or have McDonald's every three months or so (I know, this is 'kid stuff', but it's relevant to show how low the threshold for excitement and fun can be if I don't poison myself). And in this vein, getting that one opportunity a year to spend time with my best friends should be the greatest thing ever! The booze mind, however, keeps repeating it'll be crap without a proper drink. Have to keep repeating again and again 'I don't drink', so the brain would start getting the message on all the levels.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Don't worry it's your av time to play the tape of yourself drinking start at the end and then bring it back to the point you were sober & remember starving the craving will lessen the intensity over time & also try this
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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End of Day 22. The health is almost back, just have a nasty cough now.
Managed to slightly exceed the work goals I had set for myself for today. Even managed to do some light prep for a seminar tomorrow, but the schedule is pretty tight.
The freak craving yesterday totally blindsided me. Didn't evolve into something so acute that I would act on it, but the feeling was thoroughly unpleasant. Almost felt like a panic attack of sorts. The tools have to always be sharp and support close by, which is why I greatly appreciated Soberwolf's quick reply.
Also mentioned that craving to my mother, but she brushed it off, which left me feeling a bit dumb-founded, but who knows - maybe I have run those wells dry with my past antics, so others in my family don't take my 'attempts' too seriously anymore.
Any case, going to watch a Ken Burns documentary and go to sleep, busy day tomorrow, packed with different obligations and errands.
One day at a time, good night.
Managed to slightly exceed the work goals I had set for myself for today. Even managed to do some light prep for a seminar tomorrow, but the schedule is pretty tight.
The freak craving yesterday totally blindsided me. Didn't evolve into something so acute that I would act on it, but the feeling was thoroughly unpleasant. Almost felt like a panic attack of sorts. The tools have to always be sharp and support close by, which is why I greatly appreciated Soberwolf's quick reply.
Also mentioned that craving to my mother, but she brushed it off, which left me feeling a bit dumb-founded, but who knows - maybe I have run those wells dry with my past antics, so others in my family don't take my 'attempts' too seriously anymore.
Any case, going to watch a Ken Burns documentary and go to sleep, busy day tomorrow, packed with different obligations and errands.
One day at a time, good night.
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