Tired of alcohol and the feelings it brings
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Tired of alcohol and the feelings it brings
Hello,
I haven't been around much, but I've lately been having feelings of loneliness and something that verges on horror/anxiety/total numbness. Surely, this is the result of my 'under control' alcohol (ab)use.
For the summer, I have been on and off with alcohol. Having a beer here and there, sometimes going on a bender. It is no way to live, really, but this is where it gets sad for me. A boozer like me - and this is also a question - feels 'human' after two beers? A horrible way of perceiving things, but that's how it feels to me. Being dry, the first 2-3 days, feels kind of numb and then I pick up the beer again. Rinse and repeat. And I'm absolutely exhausted by this.
Recently, I got some good news. I got into a PhD programme. Awesome personal achievement, right? Or, at least, a noteworthy occasion even for a by-stander. I got the confirmation on Monday and this is exactly how I felt afterwards (for 3 days, tbh) - I was completely numb, didn't want to share the news with anyone other than the people who knew I was going in for the final interview, I just lay in bed in silence, feeling utterly sad and sort of mortified.
This is something to be super excited about, it's a chance for a new start (and, for me, those do not come along that often) and all I could feel was complete emptiness. Like I was totally barred from feeling any joy. Some facts: I drank 12 beers on Sunday, which made Monday and the interview a total nightmare for me - all that bum-sweating, nausea, nervousness, elevated anxiety. I think, this is the mental reason I felt like I felt afterwards - that even though I got the chance for something new, in the back of my mind, I was convinced that it/the experience was going to eventually turn out like all those that came before - drink for that second of delusional happiness, mess something important up, feel sad and depressed, deal with the consequences, recover. And then repeat until you finally either get to where you want to be (PhD programme) or fail. Which I came close to doing at the start of summer in the final part of my master's.
I'm so tired of this cycle, yet feel too weak to make the commitment of staying away from alcohol completely. I feel to open to all kinds of influences that drive me towards the bottle and make it seem as if this current state is somehow better than 'what might be otherwise' aka sobriety.
I'm sorry for the long post, I needed to write this out to people who might relate. I have been sober for 1 day. I thought I felt the feeling of joy over the achievement come around yesterday, but then I 'congratulated' myself with 12 beers.
I know it's different for people time-wise, but when did that genuine ability to feel happy return after stopping with alcohol?
I haven't been around much, but I've lately been having feelings of loneliness and something that verges on horror/anxiety/total numbness. Surely, this is the result of my 'under control' alcohol (ab)use.
For the summer, I have been on and off with alcohol. Having a beer here and there, sometimes going on a bender. It is no way to live, really, but this is where it gets sad for me. A boozer like me - and this is also a question - feels 'human' after two beers? A horrible way of perceiving things, but that's how it feels to me. Being dry, the first 2-3 days, feels kind of numb and then I pick up the beer again. Rinse and repeat. And I'm absolutely exhausted by this.
Recently, I got some good news. I got into a PhD programme. Awesome personal achievement, right? Or, at least, a noteworthy occasion even for a by-stander. I got the confirmation on Monday and this is exactly how I felt afterwards (for 3 days, tbh) - I was completely numb, didn't want to share the news with anyone other than the people who knew I was going in for the final interview, I just lay in bed in silence, feeling utterly sad and sort of mortified.
This is something to be super excited about, it's a chance for a new start (and, for me, those do not come along that often) and all I could feel was complete emptiness. Like I was totally barred from feeling any joy. Some facts: I drank 12 beers on Sunday, which made Monday and the interview a total nightmare for me - all that bum-sweating, nausea, nervousness, elevated anxiety. I think, this is the mental reason I felt like I felt afterwards - that even though I got the chance for something new, in the back of my mind, I was convinced that it/the experience was going to eventually turn out like all those that came before - drink for that second of delusional happiness, mess something important up, feel sad and depressed, deal with the consequences, recover. And then repeat until you finally either get to where you want to be (PhD programme) or fail. Which I came close to doing at the start of summer in the final part of my master's.
I'm so tired of this cycle, yet feel too weak to make the commitment of staying away from alcohol completely. I feel to open to all kinds of influences that drive me towards the bottle and make it seem as if this current state is somehow better than 'what might be otherwise' aka sobriety.
I'm sorry for the long post, I needed to write this out to people who might relate. I have been sober for 1 day. I thought I felt the feeling of joy over the achievement come around yesterday, but then I 'congratulated' myself with 12 beers.
I know it's different for people time-wise, but when did that genuine ability to feel happy return after stopping with alcohol?
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
If I recall, it was somewhere in between the 3 to 6 month point I started feeling better. Until then, I just had to ride it out, but it's been steady improvement. Alcohol definitely messes with your brain chemistry and for me, I also have to be careful about what I eat.
Looking for things to feel grateful for each day makes me feel better, and one of the big ones is waking up without a hangover. Being in a recovery program also helps me to deal with life on life's terms without having to drink to cope.
Looking for things to feel grateful for each day makes me feel better, and one of the big ones is waking up without a hangover. Being in a recovery program also helps me to deal with life on life's terms without having to drink to cope.
Catch 22
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 327
You are at the right place. Lots and lots of people on this site with experience of happiness in sobriety. Me, I am too early in the journey and I am still looking for that elusive fun I used to have. Congratulations on being accepted for the PhD. That is truly a great achievement.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 518
Being accepted into your PhD programme is amazing and half the battle to attain your doctorate.
This is a great opportunity to change your life for the better.
Dont fret about not being over the moon with excitement - I had several emotions go through me when I got accepted to Masters programme - but some of it was fear for the daunting task of completing it. And a PhD can take what 7 years? So ofcourse you have a big change coming.
Now would be the perfect time to make that change to lead a sober lifestyle.
This is a great opportunity to change your life for the better.
Dont fret about not being over the moon with excitement - I had several emotions go through me when I got accepted to Masters programme - but some of it was fear for the daunting task of completing it. And a PhD can take what 7 years? So ofcourse you have a big change coming.
Now would be the perfect time to make that change to lead a sober lifestyle.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
It's day three. Still feeling tired and getting these bouts of anxiety/anger throughout the day.
Thoughts of drink also circle like sharks. In a way, guess it's good that I don't have money for it. Things at school have not kicked off yet, total silence on any info, so that adds to the dread.
Utterly pointless three days. Most active parts of it have been trying to figure out whether or not I should get out of bed.
At least I'm sober.
Thoughts of drink also circle like sharks. In a way, guess it's good that I don't have money for it. Things at school have not kicked off yet, total silence on any info, so that adds to the dread.
Utterly pointless three days. Most active parts of it have been trying to figure out whether or not I should get out of bed.
At least I'm sober.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Day 4. Went to the store, had some money left after the grocery shopping was done. First idea to pop into my mind? 'Get some booze, it'll be great'.
And I almost did. Walked away cursing under my breath. I was super agitated for some hours after that. Wanted to snap the spatula in half whilst cooking, because the metal clanking sound of utensils, pots and pans seemed 'too loud'.
Denying my brain what it yearns for seems to have consequences that turn me into a semi-monster for a time. Ticked off at everything for no apparent reason. That's alcoholism, alright.
And I almost did. Walked away cursing under my breath. I was super agitated for some hours after that. Wanted to snap the spatula in half whilst cooking, because the metal clanking sound of utensils, pots and pans seemed 'too loud'.
Denying my brain what it yearns for seems to have consequences that turn me into a semi-monster for a time. Ticked off at everything for no apparent reason. That's alcoholism, alright.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
It was a year before I really began to truly, deeply feel "better".
After two years.... I felt pretty solid, pretty good, like life was a gift.
Creeping up on three years, I feel really great.
And it gets better... and better.... keep at it.
After two years.... I felt pretty solid, pretty good, like life was a gift.
Creeping up on three years, I feel really great.
And it gets better... and better.... keep at it.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Originally Posted by kkik5 
Wanted to snap the spatula in half whilst cooking, because the metal clanking sound of utensils, pots and pans seemed 'too loud'.
Denying my brain what it yearns for seems to have consequences that turn me into a semi-monster for a time. Ticked off at everything for no apparent reason. That's alcoholism, alright.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Congrats, truly, on your PhD candidacy. That's an enormous achievement and you are right: you should be celebrating.
I understand your feelings, and I'm not a person who can answer your initial question, about when those feelings will go away. I have 19 days. But I know that if you work it, they will come. You took a long time to get to the negative space you're in and it will take some time to get out. But I'd be wiling to bet that NOT working it won't help you feel better. It's even likely that continuing a path of active alcoholism will affect your performance as a PhD candidate and that would be a shame.
You have an opportunity to achieve so much! Go you! Have you posted in the August group? (Forgive me if you have; the group is HUGE.) It's been helpful for me to get out of the dumps a little, and to maintain a focus of positivity which for me makes for a good firm ground to stand on to get to a better place, one day at a time.
Again, congratulations!!!!
I understand your feelings, and I'm not a person who can answer your initial question, about when those feelings will go away. I have 19 days. But I know that if you work it, they will come. You took a long time to get to the negative space you're in and it will take some time to get out. But I'd be wiling to bet that NOT working it won't help you feel better. It's even likely that continuing a path of active alcoholism will affect your performance as a PhD candidate and that would be a shame.
You have an opportunity to achieve so much! Go you! Have you posted in the August group? (Forgive me if you have; the group is HUGE.) It's been helpful for me to get out of the dumps a little, and to maintain a focus of positivity which for me makes for a good firm ground to stand on to get to a better place, one day at a time.
Again, congratulations!!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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It seems as if there are two different people that somehow fit into one body (mine). The builder and the destroyer. And alcoholism can be referred to as a 'constant restructuring'.
Sorry for the rant. The brain is tiring me out, trying to constantly convince me that tomorrow is a great day to consume alcohol. Which it is not. No days like that exist in the calendar. Feels like in this 'particular section of alcohol related thoughts and constructs', I'm too smart for my own good. You can always argue both sides (technically). I simply wish the issue which started 'the argument' never came to be. And to sleep
Sorry for the rant. The brain is tiring me out, trying to constantly convince me that tomorrow is a great day to consume alcohol. Which it is not. No days like that exist in the calendar. Feels like in this 'particular section of alcohol related thoughts and constructs', I'm too smart for my own good. You can always argue both sides (technically). I simply wish the issue which started 'the argument' never came to be. And to sleep
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Apparently I wasn't 'too tired', as empirical research tells me. Need to restart the clock again. What a total mess.
This inability to stay on the right track is deceptive and unbearable. I don't know, is what I can say, just don't know.
This inability to stay on the right track is deceptive and unbearable. I don't know, is what I can say, just don't know.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,367
hi kkik
I found I couldn't get sober either - not for many years. I kept drinking around as an option - and as I couldn't control my drinking, that was an option that just led to more drinking.
I needed to take the option of drinking completely off the table, for good.
To do that I needed support, I needed to use that support, and I needed to make changes in my life - either in how I solved problems or how I related to others socially - or both.
Whats your recovery plan look like? What do you do to try and stay sober?
D
I found I couldn't get sober either - not for many years. I kept drinking around as an option - and as I couldn't control my drinking, that was an option that just led to more drinking.
I needed to take the option of drinking completely off the table, for good.
To do that I needed support, I needed to use that support, and I needed to make changes in my life - either in how I solved problems or how I related to others socially - or both.
Whats your recovery plan look like? What do you do to try and stay sober?
D
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Well, it's day 4 again. Thanks for the advice, but I must admit that I do not have a plan.
The past 3 days I've just been working, sleeping, eating, working, working, sleeping. Work and effort is a way for me to validate myself in a way (mostly job related, I do translations and they get to be a frustrating endeavour from time to time).
And as such, I have understood it when someone offers up the term 'a functioning alcoholic'. I mean, we all function to some degree, drinking or otherwise, but when drinking, I think the 'best' one can do (work-wise) is still maybe (big maybe) a half-measure. That's been my experience - either I get into the drink and then brush aside everything else as much as possible or I'm sober and can make a considerable effort. The times when deadlines interfere with the drink, I've been lucky to get through.
Where should I start with the plan?
The past 3 days I've just been working, sleeping, eating, working, working, sleeping. Work and effort is a way for me to validate myself in a way (mostly job related, I do translations and they get to be a frustrating endeavour from time to time).
And as such, I have understood it when someone offers up the term 'a functioning alcoholic'. I mean, we all function to some degree, drinking or otherwise, but when drinking, I think the 'best' one can do (work-wise) is still maybe (big maybe) a half-measure. That's been my experience - either I get into the drink and then brush aside everything else as much as possible or I'm sober and can make a considerable effort. The times when deadlines interfere with the drink, I've been lucky to get through.
Where should I start with the plan?
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Originally Posted by Hevyn
It's so good to see you posting kkik. Congratulations on your 4 sober days. You can do it this time.
I read about a book called This Naked Mind and I think I'm getting it, because it promises help with the subconscious part of the addiction. Anyone know anything about it?
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Originally Posted by MIRecovery
I was reminded today of a very true statement, "If nothing changes nothing changes." Sobriety is about creating a new life not trying to make your old life work without alcohol."
But, if I'm being completely, utterly honest with myself and others - I will most likely have 'hiccups' as I try and create the plan, go over every detail and then implement it. I know this does not inspire much confidence or can even be considered a letdown (as in 'what are you doing here, then?'), but unless I'm totally honest, I won't succeed in this.
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