Endeavor

We don't all have plans Dee. Perhaps, I'm just not as structured. It's hard for me to commit to a plan outside of what I love. Yet it's easy for me to do what hurts, clearly. I'm kinda f'd up like that, but I guess that's just me; I don't have a path.

I think it's why I'm here.

Avenues of support, well, I believe I let myself down today and I plan to get over it. I do hear myself, ears and eyes are open. It's like being stuck in a room with a reverberating echo. I will beat it; but I will have a few slips.

Thank you for listening and I appreciate the advice.

Endeavor

This meant a lot to me EGNYC. Your words seem to come from the heart. You seem to be a person of character I think, we would both benefit by knowing each other. Yet I disagree that "Perfectionism is a euphemism for self-hatred and it's a lesson that we learn only after a great deal of suffering."

Striving to do and be our best is reason for being for most. It is a perfectly achievable goal for those with verve who own it. In light of our self described forum posted limitations and despite the double edged sword you did so profess. Perfectionism is a lofty goal no-one seriously tries to achieve. Just because one strives to do better; doesn't mean they're shooting straight for the sun. It can't just be learned, after totally burning oneself.

It's only harmful to others or self destructive if we allow it to be. I was a complete a-hole today because I allowed myself to be, I kinda have to own that.

Oh man, how I wish my mandates actually stuck past my intention. I'm just a person in that way, still coming down, still listening and I appreciate your time and thoughts.

Put down the drink though bud, it resonates.

Dee74

The opening paragraphs in that plan link explains why you need a plan.
I'm all for people doing it their way but I don't believe you can do recovery on the fly. Believe me I tried.

btw, this isn't about me wanting you to do it my way.

I just know you can't break a diamond with spaghetti, no matter how awesome you are.

If you want change, you need to make changes.

D

Endeavor

That is a golden quote & makes me laugh. Thank you for that.

We shouldn't get into the philosophical, we're just different birds all shiat'n out our own versions of diamond.

One thing is for sure, Dee. I will not be picking up a drink for quite awhile after today,

Dee74

I don't see it as different philosophies - to me if recovery is the car, a recovery plan is the gas that keeps it going.

You don't have to use my brand, but you need something...

but ok.

You're gonna do what you're gonna do, Endeavour.

I was like that too.
I really genuinely hope your way works for you this time

D

Endeavor

This time only mattered because I made it, here & now. That in itself is why it's important. I am willing. I may not yet be totally capable, but I will try again to be a better man.

So if I get shitted 12 times a year, regret it and post it here on SR. What exactly does that mean? Well, I'm not sure. I know it could be worse because frankly I've been there, but when I bring it down to 2-3 times a year and still feel a little regret. Maybe that's progress. I guess I will see how that feels.

Endeavor

Back to the point, I think my wife was impressed by the work I did but was disappointed by the half bottle I killed, which I did not hide and she clearly noticed. Considering the kids are in bed and so is she so early tonight, we noticed. Dammit.

We usually have time to talk but I guess tonight I just wasn't willing or able. I will likely hear of this tomorrow morning, a reminder of what I did today. For the second time posting, I just tossed another half bottle down the drain. I will not soon forget the impact of my transgression. Hopefully next time, my ambitions will last longer than just a month.

To those of you reading, we can do better; I know it. Find the strength within you to overcome the terrible need. However it came to be, it can be beaten and doesn't need to cost you your future.

rahrah

BRILLIANT.... and 100% true.

Recovery....real recovery....requires work... action...constant vigilance against the AV.... HOW? With a plan...and then a backup plan...and a then a safety net and then....whatever it takes to keep yourself sober!

No Plan = No Recovery

And.... Recovery and 'just not drinking' are 2 totally different animals....only Recovery will give you true sobriety.

Try it...you'll love it!

Dee74

Not sure what this means to be honest.
This time is different because you posted during your drinking, you mean?

Progress is a relative thing. Once I would have seen progress in cutting back from every week to every month.

From this perspective tho my progress began when I stopped drinking entirely.

Again with the change - but I couldn't get anywhere new without change.

Before then I was still like the dog tied to the clothes line - still going in a circle.

(last metaphor of the day)

D

MrPL

Hi Endeavor, Seems to me like you are aiming for some sort of moderated drinking which in itself is not necessarily unhealthy or damaging, but I think you will struggle to find any of us recommending it here. Still, if you can pull it off that would be great, but before you attempt that make sure you are being honest with yourself. And please consider some sort of plan, at least ask your self what you will do different this time round, I honestly think it'll help you. P

Endeavor

One thing is for sure, I would have woke up today feeling much better had I not started drinking yesterday.

Moderation? Seems like when I drink, I always drink too much; so it's better I just to avoid it completely. That much I'm learning.

I'm going to shoot for end of September starting today and will take it from there. Thanks all for your thoughts and advice,on this.

rahrah

That's a pretty flimsy plan....I hope it works for you...if you refuse to construct a plan, try to come here daily for support...like the Morning Gratitude thread. (Maybe someone can post the link for that here. )

LadyBlue0527

Take a look at your post. It "seems" like you drink too much? Wouldn't you say it doesn't seem that way, that it "is" that way?

Shooting for a point in time is a disguised plan to not quit. It's a start but in the back of your mind you're still leaving the door open.

How badly do you want this?

Endeavor

Not necessarily. I put a timeline on it to make it a reasonable goal, forever is just too much to think about it. For me at least. I try not to count the days individually and keep busy which also helps the time move. I have slowed down to about once a month, so for me, in general I am doing better. Yesterday, I failed myself.

In my mind it's like a tipping scale, the more time I spend without drinking the better off I am. I'm only here because at one point in my life I used to drink like a fish. Somewhere between 4-5 days a week, always hard liquor. To me, that means there is a part of me that has a potential for abuse.

You know, something in recent months has changed. I never used to regret drinking after or during that session, unless I was unusually overdoing it of course. These days, I feel like its a bad part of my persona, doing nothing but holding me back.

I'm working on it.

PurpleKnight

For me when the plan wasn't working, it was time to change up the plan, continuing to do the same things and expecting the results to change never seemed to work for me, and so I too would go round in circles, and did so for years.

I needed some kind of structure to change up my habits and routines to remove alcohol from my life, leaving things to chance, wishing or hoping, it would always end with the same outcome.

Draw a line, recommit back to Sobriety and get a plan together to sail past that 1 Month milestone with ease the next time!! You can do this!!

LadyBlue0527

That's good to hear, forward progress!!

Optimini

I'm not experienced enough to have an opinion on what you went through but I think the fact that you did not hide the mistake from your wife is very commendable, and I'm happy for you that you were honest about the mistake with her.

Pitty

Yea, you F'd up. It's done. It's over. Pick yourself up and begin again. One time is not a lifetime failure... but not getting up and pushing for the goal IS a failure. You recognized what happened and you learned from it.
Many hugs to you!

Endeavor

I think all of you are great people and I appreciate the comments and support. I am sincere in this, I will get to a point where living healthy is all I'm about. I've done a lot of drinking in my day and had some bad moments like most of us. It doesn't rule my life anymore, at least I can rely on the part of me that needs to assure my family, they come first.

I've never lost any jobs, I have not and would never drive and usually reserve the time to doing nothing but things around my house when I get tanked. I haven't performed as well as I could have of course, but yeah, that's kinda the point of all this isn't it. It's like a terrible habit that I used to abuse to a point where it woke me up but still need sometimes. I can say ENOUGH AHOLE and get my shint together for what needs to be done.

More recently, I've come realize even that isn't enough but we all have different levels of abuse, addiction and wacked out situations to deal with. Usually, it begins with our own decisions and that is where the problem resides.

I've read a lot here on SR and empathize with a lot of the circumstances many of us are dealing with. Though I realize this is not something we equally share because man, there are some real people suffering a lot worse with great loss which I have not experienced and it's crushing to read, much less have the strength to face the same.

So I had a f'd up weekend, in a way I feel like a kid complaining. Yet, I'm here because I need to be and I'm struggling a bit living up to the man I want to be. The words and experiences from all of us help people dealing with shint on all levels registered and posting. That much I know, before signing up.

I thank you all and think we are all helping more than we realize.

Here's to a productive September ahead, no toast needed.

Endeavor

She's my partner bud, I can hide nothing from her and she loves me anyway. The key I think is to shint on what you love.

I'm lucky in that way. Thanks for the nod.