Placing blame for your drinking or drug use
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Placing blame for your drinking or drug use
We have all done this, in fact addicts are very skilled at it. We place the blame on people around us; our boss, our spouse/partner parents, family members, kids, friends, enemies, drug dealers or doctors. We place the blame on situations we are in; unemployment, marital issues, legal problems, divorce/break ups. We place blame on our health, chronic pain or disease, mental health. We place blame on places we go; work, school, jails, hospitals, sporting events, restaurants, weddings, vacation spots.
What we find hard to do is place the blame on ouselves. It is just easier to say we use because our boss is hard on us, our parents are strict, our spouses are demanding, we have depression, we got dumped or cheated on by a lover, our kids are out of control, our friends are using, or our bank accounts are empty.
By placing blame on people, places and things we are shifting our control to them. We are therefore not responsible for our drinking and using.
How many times did you drink or use because someone drove you to it or something happened or because you were somewhere that it was expected of you? Probably a lot. But what we need to learn is that there is usually an action to be made on our part that we are just not doing. And because we didn't do it, we create an excuse to use.
My boss is mad at me and is going to dock my pay for being late again because of traffic and I might get fired and now because of it my rent is going to be late. So I blame my alarm and the other drivers for going slow, my boss (that jerk) and then my landlord for demanding his money when I have a very good reason why I won't be able to pay. So I get drunk and forget about it, show up late again with a hangover and get fired and then get evicted. Now, instead of getting wasted what could I have done? Set my alarm for an hour earlier so that I can be there on time the next day? Find anouther route with less traffic? Plan to talk to the boss about staying late tomorrow to make up for lost time? Eat Ramen noodles for dinner, cut back on smokes, sell the X Box to make rent? Instead of using we could have solved our job problem and our money problem by being proactive instead of reactive and we would have another clean day.
As we sober up in recovery we need to assume personal responsibility for ourselves and take care of what has to be done. So we dump that cheating husband, we start disciplining our kids, we get a job and move put of our parent'so basement, we skip out on the Bachelor party before everyone gets drunk, we go to the doctor for meds for depression, we stay away from Aunt Sally the drunk enabler. Etc etc etc.
If we don't grow up and deal with the people, places and things that drive us to alcohol or drugs we are not going to have a shot at attaining sobriety.
What we find hard to do is place the blame on ouselves. It is just easier to say we use because our boss is hard on us, our parents are strict, our spouses are demanding, we have depression, we got dumped or cheated on by a lover, our kids are out of control, our friends are using, or our bank accounts are empty.
By placing blame on people, places and things we are shifting our control to them. We are therefore not responsible for our drinking and using.
How many times did you drink or use because someone drove you to it or something happened or because you were somewhere that it was expected of you? Probably a lot. But what we need to learn is that there is usually an action to be made on our part that we are just not doing. And because we didn't do it, we create an excuse to use.
My boss is mad at me and is going to dock my pay for being late again because of traffic and I might get fired and now because of it my rent is going to be late. So I blame my alarm and the other drivers for going slow, my boss (that jerk) and then my landlord for demanding his money when I have a very good reason why I won't be able to pay. So I get drunk and forget about it, show up late again with a hangover and get fired and then get evicted. Now, instead of getting wasted what could I have done? Set my alarm for an hour earlier so that I can be there on time the next day? Find anouther route with less traffic? Plan to talk to the boss about staying late tomorrow to make up for lost time? Eat Ramen noodles for dinner, cut back on smokes, sell the X Box to make rent? Instead of using we could have solved our job problem and our money problem by being proactive instead of reactive and we would have another clean day.
As we sober up in recovery we need to assume personal responsibility for ourselves and take care of what has to be done. So we dump that cheating husband, we start disciplining our kids, we get a job and move put of our parent'so basement, we skip out on the Bachelor party before everyone gets drunk, we go to the doctor for meds for depression, we stay away from Aunt Sally the drunk enabler. Etc etc etc.
If we don't grow up and deal with the people, places and things that drive us to alcohol or drugs we are not going to have a shot at attaining sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Watford
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by Soberwolf 
I've never blamed anyone but myself for my drinking - no one had a gun to my head so to speak I take full responsibility for the choices I made nobody made me do it
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by Soberwolf
I've never blamed anyone but myself for my drinking - no one had a gun to my head so to speak I take full responsibility for the choices I made nobody made me do it
I never thought I drank for any other reason than it was fun. As it turns out I probably did have factors that contributed to me using but I didn't know that at the time. I just thought I was extra indulgent or lazy or something.
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Inglind
Posts: 610
I don't blame anyone either. I have reason WHY I became alcohol dependant, and that was because I drank the wine the man I was living with at the time used to have waiting for me after work.
He later died from alcoholism. I became dependant upon alcohol
No, he didn't hold a gun to my head. But I was very niaeve drinking without thinking "this is an addictive drug I am taking into my system" And I slid into it without even thinking.
I think (don't just think, read a lot of research on it) that anyone who drinks enough alcohol, often enough, for long enough will become addicted.
But I also know for a FACT, if I had never met that man , I wouldn't have become an alcoholic, because I would never have thought to drink at home. Hadn't drank at home ever, in the 38 years before I met him
And once I had gotton myself hooked, it has been very difficult to get unhooked
And I didn't drink for emotional reasons, I didn't drink for mental reasons or anything else, I drank, in the beginning, because I liked the feeling
He later died from alcoholism. I became dependant upon alcohol
No, he didn't hold a gun to my head. But I was very niaeve drinking without thinking "this is an addictive drug I am taking into my system" And I slid into it without even thinking.
I think (don't just think, read a lot of research on it) that anyone who drinks enough alcohol, often enough, for long enough will become addicted.
But I also know for a FACT, if I had never met that man , I wouldn't have become an alcoholic, because I would never have thought to drink at home. Hadn't drank at home ever, in the 38 years before I met him
And once I had gotton myself hooked, it has been very difficult to get unhooked
And I didn't drink for emotional reasons, I didn't drink for mental reasons or anything else, I drank, in the beginning, because I liked the feeling
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
My sponsor would say, to those of you who say you never blamed anyone else...look at that idea again.
I definitely used excuses. Avoidance of issues being a big one. I always KNEW deep down it was my fault; but when so actively sick, I let myself convince, blame, EXCUSE (to myself and others) insane behavior.
Now, it is often thrilling to be able to make the right choices. The examples above are great ones. Making the right decisions about even the basics- making the bed, eating regular meals, and such- leads to the good decisions about bigger and biggest stuff. God helps me to do that, since my recovery plan is spiritually based (AA).
A wise person in my big AA clubhouse explained the "f*ck its" to me. Passages in the BB explain this idea - which ties to excuses and justifications- when it tells stories. Ex- when Bill W decides that rather than deal with his business failures he would (f*ck it) and go to a bar, and (f*ck it) bathtub gin was the better solution to dealing. So, for us....I know I'm going to get in trouble at work, but (f*ck it) I don't have to leave yet. Etc.
My ability to deal with the daily junk has dramatically increased. I melt down sometimes (less often, and much less dramatically), but I deal. I don't like something or someone or circumstances, but I keep going.
I could not have the life I have now if I continued drinking.
I definitely used excuses. Avoidance of issues being a big one. I always KNEW deep down it was my fault; but when so actively sick, I let myself convince, blame, EXCUSE (to myself and others) insane behavior.
Now, it is often thrilling to be able to make the right choices. The examples above are great ones. Making the right decisions about even the basics- making the bed, eating regular meals, and such- leads to the good decisions about bigger and biggest stuff. God helps me to do that, since my recovery plan is spiritually based (AA).
A wise person in my big AA clubhouse explained the "f*ck its" to me. Passages in the BB explain this idea - which ties to excuses and justifications- when it tells stories. Ex- when Bill W decides that rather than deal with his business failures he would (f*ck it) and go to a bar, and (f*ck it) bathtub gin was the better solution to dealing. So, for us....I know I'm going to get in trouble at work, but (f*ck it) I don't have to leave yet. Etc.
My ability to deal with the daily junk has dramatically increased. I melt down sometimes (less often, and much less dramatically), but I deal. I don't like something or someone or circumstances, but I keep going.
I could not have the life I have now if I continued drinking.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Originally Posted by August252015
I definitely used excuses. Avoidance of issues being a big one. I always KNEW deep down it was my fault; but when so actively sick, I let myself convince, blame, EXCUSE (to myself and others) insane behavior.
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Inglind
Posts: 610
I had been in therapy for years and resolved all my issues before I even started drinking. I had PTSD and depression from being 14 to being 30.
I had been free of depression and the symptoms of PTSD for 8 years, had a good job and a nice life and a peaceful mind when I started joining with his nightly drinking, under his insistance. And I joined in, like I said, because I liked the feeling a few glasses of wine gave me, and because I couldn't see the harm in it, because at the time, there were no visible signs of harm. If I hadn't liked it I would have told him to bog off
Then before I knew it ...physically dependant!
Should I say symptoms of depression and PTSD from being 14 to being 26 when I went into therapy after a couple of years of therapy and lots of hard emotional slogging they started to ease off and were gone by the time I left therapy at 30
I had been free of depression and the symptoms of PTSD for 8 years, had a good job and a nice life and a peaceful mind when I started joining with his nightly drinking, under his insistance. And I joined in, like I said, because I liked the feeling a few glasses of wine gave me, and because I couldn't see the harm in it, because at the time, there were no visible signs of harm. If I hadn't liked it I would have told him to bog off
Then before I knew it ...physically dependant!
Should I say symptoms of depression and PTSD from being 14 to being 26 when I went into therapy after a couple of years of therapy and lots of hard emotional slogging they started to ease off and were gone by the time I left therapy at 30
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
My prime directive is codependant. I wonder if that has anything to do with the difference in attitudes. Because I'm telling you, EVERYTHING was my fault or responsibility to fix. It would never have occurred to me that another person was making me do something because I'm the one in control with all the answers you know. 
My brother is the middle child(I am the first born) and he was cast in the role of addict. He does seem to place responsibility for his drinking on external factors. I don't think he always believes it and sometimes it is just a ploy to get to drink but he has to know it sounds hookey when I give him the "really????" look.
My brother is the middle child(I am the first born) and he was cast in the role of addict. He does seem to place responsibility for his drinking on external factors. I don't think he always believes it and sometimes it is just a ploy to get to drink but he has to know it sounds hookey when I give him the "really????" look.
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